The words his mother told him replay on repeat in his mind — one of the closest people in his life who knows him better than Sam even knows himself. There were always these unspoken feelings — love in his eyes while gazing over at his best friend over the years. They became close almost effortlessly when they were teenagers, like all those laughs with Roberto slowly started meaning something more. His heart beating faster when they were in the same room, and they got the chance to be alone. Even if it was just going to a baseball game or sneak a few beers when their professors weren’t looking.
His relationship with Isabel Kane was sudden, but those feelings were just as genuine as the ones felt for Roberto. They had a lot in common, she was born and raised on a farm too. They both quit school to take care of their families and the farmland. It was like they were the same person sometimes, but maybe that’s where they went wrong. Izzy tried to be around often as she could. but her job meant being away in space as Superguardian of the Shi’a Empire. They made the arrangement work, but when Josiah came into the picture Sam moved out to another planet to be closer to Izzy. This was lonely — missing his old life that was left behind. They eventually decided it was best to remain just friends, and Sam moved back to Earth with their son because it was too dangerous out there anyway. Sam doesn’t care if Josiah was invulnerable like him — he doesn’t want his boy exposed to such things. He never regrets the time they had together because the most precious boy came out of it.
His feelings for Roberto never left, but came back even stronger when they started spending time together again when Sam moved back to Earth. He remembers how excited his best friend was to find out that he wouldn’t be in space anymore — they’ve missed out on too much all those months of being gone. What the blonde wouldn’t give to make sure Roberto could be that happy all the time. He deserves to smile every day, the genuine type where it didn’t have to be forced and reaches your eyes. There were more things that Sam wishes he could do with Bobby. He aches to hold his hand while they’re out in public or curled up in bed at night. He ACHES to be able to kiss him and come distract him while he’s at work. Sam wants to go on dates with his best friend, and take him back to Kentucky to visit the farm. Bobby gets along with his family, and his mother adores him. She was even supporting this, and there goes her words replaying in his mind again.
‘AH’VE SEEN THE WAY YOU TWO LOOK AT EACH OTHER.’
This is what she said to him, and maybe his whole family can see it. They could just be waiting for them to figure it out. This could be quite risky, won’t it?
His lips form a grin, moving to sit on the edge of Roberto’s bed. They had the time to figure this out and have an important conversation while Josiah is with the rest of the Guthrie family. “Ah appreciate that, mah two youngest siblings have fallen asleep on your chair.” There’s a laugh filling the room, a fond one as the twins have really tuckered themselves out with the party. “Ya succeeded, nobody plans parties quite like you do. He really loved th’ ponies. They let him feed ‘em with his friend, and it was quite adorable.” Sam knows mentioning this might mean Roberto is going to actually buy him one. Where would they even put a pony in the city?
“No, ah’m not movin’ back t’space. Ah don’t know how ta say this. Ah’ve replayed this conversation in mah head thousands of times.” His hands nervously pull at a thread coming off of his jeans before continuing. “You’re mah best friend, Roberto. Your friendship is so important ta me. Ah’m just going ta say it. Ah’m in love with you. Ah’ve been in love with you since we were kids, but ah never knew how t’tell you. You’re so beautiful, ah mean it you always take mah breath away. You’re the funniest person ah know, always making me laugh.” He inhales for a moment. “Ah love you so much. Ah really just needed you ta know how ah feel. Please say somethin’ ah’m so nervous.”
How many times have you been in love? It was a question everyone got sometimes, one that was almost expected. Bobby had been asked more than once, and his answer changed by the hour. He fell in love three times a day, sometimes, just for moments. He fell in love with a man he saw dancing on a street corner to stay warm, a man he saw once and never again. He fell in love with a woman at the bar who's skin sparkled with glitter as she sang his favorite song in karaoke. The barista at Starbucks who always drew a smiley face on his cup, the men who played football in the park and smiled with gleeful joy as they kicked the ball back and forth, the woman behind him in line at the bank who smiled at her phone wide and unapologetic. Bobby fell in love often, and each time it was thrilling. Each time it was exhilarating.
But some times were deeper than others. Some people made a home in his heart and stayed there, voices bouncing around in the walls of his chest and settling in deep. Those people were the ones who changed him, the ones who made him what he was. He loved the people he loved, but only a select few of them became tattoos beneath his skin, a part of him forever.
He’d loved Juliana. He would always love Juliana, loved her even now, years after her death. His chest still ached for her, sometimes, for that girl with the messy blonde hair who’d seen a lonely boy with too much money and made a person out of him. When his mother had been away and his father too busy to remember how to parent, it was Juliana who sat with him on the bed in his room and helped him with his homework. It was her who’d come to every last one of his football games, her who’d commissioned an embarrassing cardboard cutout of his face to wave around in the stands, her who held his hand tightly when kids on the street narrowed their eyes and glared accusingly at him for existing with skin too dark and clothes too nice. It didn’t compute for them, didn’t make sense. They didn’t believe a young black man should have money. Juliana called them out frequently, used her fair skin as a weapon on his behalf. He’d loved her so much more than he’d ever loved himself.
He loved Sam, too. He always had, even when he was fifteen and terrified. He remembered coming back to America with the New Mutants, more afraid than he’d ever let anyone see. He remembered speaking English that was better than most anyone’s in Brazil but still not as good as everyone’s in America, remembered feeling so self-conscious about his accent that he’d often clam up and say nothing at all, and he remembered Sam slapping him on the back with a grin and encouraging him to speak up anyway. He remembered Sam laughing at his antics when everyone else rolled their eyes, remembered Sam ducking to meet his gaze when he looked away, making sure he was okay when everyone else was content to let him slip beneath the radar. He loved Sam the same way he had loved Juliana --- completely, entirely, consumingly. He loved Sam so much that he started seeing him in that man dancing on the street corner in the snow, in the girl with the glitter on her skin singing his favorite song, in the barista and the football players and the woman in line at the bank. He loved Sam so much that all a stranger had to do to win Bobby’s heart was remind him of him.
And Sam deserved better, he did. Bobby had always known it. He’d ached when Sam was with Izzy, hurt so much he thought he might burst with it, but Sam had been happy. Sam had been loved by someone with less sharp edges than Bobby, someone with a quiet smile and things in common. And Bobby had been jealous and heartbroken and so happy for Sam because Sam deserved that, he did. He deserved so much more than Bobby could ever give him.
But god, with Sam sitting on the edge of his bed like this, like Juliana used to, with a grin on his lips and a shine in his eyes, Bobby was so glad it hadn’t worked out. That was selfish, he knew, but Roberto da Costa was a selfish man. He always had been. “Aw, we should move them to a bed,” he laughed, fond expression on his face. He had extra beds, guest rooms everyone quietly accepted were reserved for the New Mutants. “He deserves a good party. Your kid, Sam, he’s... He’s amazing.” One of the best things in Bobby’s life, along with Sam himself.
Sam continued and, for a second, Bobby’s breath caught in his throat. The paranoid, self-conscious part of his mind heard the nervousness in Sam’s tone, the way he was gearing up to something and assumed the worst. I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t like you anymore, his mind offered, jumping to ridiculous and terrible conclusions. It was something Sam would never say, because Sam was kind. He was kind and caring and generous and so much more than Bobby deserved.
And then he got to his point, and the world came screeching to a halt.
Bobby’s mouth went dry, eyes wide as his brain short-circuited with the information. He didn’t realize he’d been silently gaping until Sam begged him to say something, and Bobby blinked. “You love me?” He said quietly, as if trying to puzzle it out. “Like --- Like love me love me? Since we were kids? That’s...” And then he laughed, so sudden it surprised even himself. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling light and giddy. “You mean --- You mean we could’ve been making out for, like, ten years now?”
