solis

19 | they/them | novelist

[solis-xxiv]

I started this story in 8th grade as a stupid self-inserted love story about my crush. It was based on a true story. True story meaning Candyapple was a real thing that happened.

Last year, I took a creative writing class for my option block. I decided to rewrite what I had already written and finish the story. And now, it’s finally finished. I decided to publish it on Wattpad (where it also happened to be published originally).

It would mean a lot if people would read it!

[solis-xxiv]

I didn’t know how beautiful love truly is until I was standing at work, looking at my boyfriend who had shown up to surprise me with flowers and a necklace.

I didn’t know how beautiful love truly is until my boyfriend handed me a jar filled with popsicle sticks that had date ideas written on each of them.

I didn’t know how beautiful love truly is until I was sat beside my boyfriend in front of a lake, watching the sun set.

I didn’t know how beautiful love truly is until I was gently woken up by a kiss on my forehead before my boyfriend left for work.

I didn’t know how beautiful love truly is until my boyfriend playfully called me mom when referring to his cats cuddling with me.

I didn’t know how beautiful love truly is until I met him.

[solis-xxiv]

somewhere between then and now, my black hair turned back to red. the mid-day alcohol turned to mid-day monsters. the full face of makeup turned to just eye makeup. the doubt turned to trust. the daily tears turned to daily laughs. the agony turned to euphoria. the wounds turned to scars. somewhere between then and now, I healed.

[solis-xxiv]

I never imagined in meet my soulmate on a dating app, but here we are <3

[solis-xxiv]

HAHAHAAHHAAH I THOUGHT

[solis-xxiv]

I’ve never felt happier

[solis-xxiv]

and if you have to leave… I wish that you would just leave…

[solis-xxiv]

I never imagined in meet my soulmate on a dating app, but here we are <3

[solis-xxiv]

I want you to color me blue… anything it takes to make you stay :(

[solis-xxiv]

you’re not mine anymore, but I’m still a little bit yours <\3

[solis-xxiv]

life feels like it’s slipping out of my grip, like nothing is in my control. i dyed my hair black because my hair is the one thing i can control but even that wasn’t enough.

i’m overwhelmed.

high school didn’t prepare me for the stress of college. old habits of procrastination are proving to be my downfall.

i’m lonely.

my best friend won’t talk to me because he “needs space”… but i know what that means…

i’m anxious.

my stomach is constantly churning yet i don’t know why. nothing i do is helping relieve the feeling of constant terror.

i’m tired.

i can’t sleep and the melatonin isn’t working anymore. i finally fall asleep at 3am only to have to wake up at 6:30. it isn’t healthy.

my life doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore.

[solis-xxiv]

if jesus died for all our sins,

he left one behind in the body i’m in.

same hands that made the moon and the stars

got carpal tunnel

and forgot some parts

[solis-xxiv]

did I drive you away?

I know what you’ll say

you’ll say

‘oh…

sing one we know”

[solis-xxiv]

I’m not going to beg you to stay. If you want to go, there is nothing that I can say that would change your mind. All I ask is that you tell me why. Tell me what I did wrong and give me a chance to tell you everything I should have but didn’t. Give me a chance to thank you for giving me true happiness after the most traumatic 7 months of my life. A chance to thank you for being my friend. A change to apologize for whatever I did to cause you to leave me.

Please. Just give me closure. That’s all I ask.

[solis-xxiv]

I suppose I should have expected this… in hindsight, it was too good to be true. I guess I just really wanted to believe that he wouldn’t leave me like everyone else. I trusted him. I opened up to him… I could almost call it love.

At the end of the day, I can’t blame him. He’s a 17 year old boy living a whole province away. It was stupid of me to even think he would want to stay. I knew it was a long shot to hope he would wait for me. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I had prepared myself for the “I understand that you don’t want to wait for me, but at least stay my friend” speech. Unfortunately for me, he didn’t even give me the chance to ask him to stay.

I guess I’m mostly hurt by the fact that it came out of nowhere. We talked in the morning. Everything was fine, he gave no indication that anything was wrong. That night, I thought about snapping him but his bitmoji showed he hadn’t been active in over 7 hours. Perhaps it had gone because he had already blocked me at that point, but I’m not sure. I went to see if he was active on Instagram to see if it was worth snapping him. It said around 30 minutes ago. Cool, I’ll leave him alone for the night. I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, the 30th, and went to snap him good morning. He didn’t show up in my best friends list. I looked and saw we had “lost” our streak. Weird. I clicked on his name and went to our friendship profile to see if he was active. Instead of the usual, it said “click to add friend”.

My heart sank. He had blocked me. I went to Instagram, clicked on him in my DMs and sent a message. It didn’t send. I clicked on his profile and it said “this account could not be found”.

He blocked me on snapchat, instagram, and my number. No warning, no explanation. Out of the blue.

If he really doesn’t want to be friends, it’s fine. I understand. I just wish he would have told me what was going on. I’m hurt because he blocked me as if I meant nothing to him. I deserve at least an explanation, don’t I? A whole month of him being my best friend down the drain and I don’t even know why. Was it something I did? Did his ex come back into his life so he blocked me because he knows I like him? Did it have something to do with the fact that he felt like he was wasting my time, and even though I told him he could never be a waste of my time, he felt like it was best to end our friendship? I don’t know. And that’s what hurts the most.

I thought I had something good. I can feel my life slipping through my fingers again. I want to give up…

I just want answers…

[solis-xxiv]

okay, i feel like I should update. Saturday night I had messaged him on Instagram from an alt account with my birth name so he wouldn’t immediately block me and maybe actually read what I said. I sent him a paragraph basically saying that I was (rightfully) upset and that I deserved at least an explanation. I didn’t expect him to answer, but to my surprise he messaged me Sunday afternoon. Basically he said he felt really bad and explained that he needed space but he didn’t know how to communicate that, so his solution was to block almost everyone. It wasn’t just me that was blocked. Obviously was he did was kinda fucked up, but we talked and I told him that if he needs space, he should tell me instead. I’m not angry or upset anymore. If anything I’m just worried about him. But I’m gonna just kinda let him be for now and wait for him to reach out. He knows he can talk to me about anything so I’m not worried that he’s gonna go off the deep end again. But yeah. All is fine.

[solis-xxiv]

I suppose I should have expected this… in hindsight, it was too good to be true. I guess I just really wanted to believe that he wouldn’t leave me like everyone else. I trusted him. I opened up to him… I could almost call it love.

At the end of the day, I can’t blame him. He’s a 17 year old boy living a whole province away. It was stupid of me to even think he would want to stay. I knew it was a long shot to hope he would wait for me. It wouldn’t be fair to him. I had prepared myself for the “I understand that you don’t want to wait for me, but at least stay my friend” speech. Unfortunately for me, he didn’t even give me the chance to ask him to stay.

I guess I’m mostly hurt by the fact that it came out of nowhere. We talked in the morning. Everything was fine, he gave no indication that anything was wrong. That night, I thought about snapping him but his bitmoji showed he hadn’t been active in over 7 hours. Perhaps it had gone because he had already blocked me at that point, but I’m not sure. I went to see if he was active on Instagram to see if it was worth snapping him. It said around 30 minutes ago. Cool, I’ll leave him alone for the night. I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, the 30th, and went to snap him good morning. He didn’t show up in my best friends list. I looked and saw we had “lost” our streak. Weird. I clicked on his name and went to our friendship profile to see if he was active. Instead of the usual, it said “click to add friend”.

My heart sank. He had blocked me. I went to Instagram, clicked on him in my DMs and sent a message. It didn’t send. I clicked on his profile and it said “this account could not be found”.

He blocked me on snapchat, instagram, and my number. No warning, no explanation. Out of the blue.

If he really doesn’t want to be friends, it’s fine. I understand. I just wish he would have told me what was going on. I’m hurt because he blocked me as if I meant nothing to him. I deserve at least an explanation, don’t I? A whole month of him being my best friend down the drain and I don’t even know why. Was it something I did? Did his ex come back into his life so he blocked me because he knows I like him? Did it have something to do with the fact that he felt like he was wasting my time, and even though I told him he could never be a waste of my time, he felt like it was best to end our friendship? I don’t know. And that’s what hurts the most.

I thought I had something good. I can feel my life slipping through my fingers again. I want to give up…

I just want answers…

[solis-xxiv]

At this point, this isn’t even poetry or anything fancy. This is just me gushing over the guy i’ve been talking to.

He checks up on me everyday. The first day he snapped me and basically told me he was worried about me. When he gets high or drunk, his first thought is to snap me. Last night we snapped for three hours. He opened up to me a bit, told me I made him feel comfortable and that he bet I’d be soft. He asked me to keep him warm (even though we live in different provinces). He gave me his number and we facetimed for another hour before we went to bed. At one point we made an agreement that if he dies, I would die. That agreement also extended to sleep - he insisted I go to bed (“Solis it’s so late for you! it’s midnight you gotta go to bed!”) to which I told him I would only go to sleep if he did as well.

This morning he sent me a good morning message. We talked about everything he said last night (he was a bit drunk last night). We hung up briefly so he could eat. While he ate, I started doing my makeup. He facetimed me back before I could finish. He asked me what I was doing, I told him. “Why?” he said. “Because I look ugly without it” I replied. He looked at me, “I disagree…”

I had gotten coffee and had to end the facetime. When I was finished we just snapped for a bit. I sent a snap with my coffee and he jokingly said “spit some in my mouth” so I said “sure”. He wasn’t expecting that to work. I laughed and said that there wasn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do. He sent a reply with Desire playing in the background. I sent a video basically telling him that song is on my 😈😩 playlist. To be honest I can’t remember exactly what was said next but he sent me a video of him with his shirt pulled up. He unsent the video and said “oops”. I said “you say oops like i’m complaining”.

Later on, around 2, my mom got mad at me. I was super upset and this guy (his name is Jordie btw) snapped me “ARE YOU CRYING????”. I was like yeah i am and he told me that as soon as my mom left my room he was gonna call me. We facetimed again. We didn’t even really talk. We didn’t need to. Watching him play his video game distracted me more than enough.

Every time he would look at me, I started blushing and laughing. He kept looking at me with this cute smile and it made me melt. He’s just so sweet and ugh. If I could hop on a flight right now, I would. A plane ride from Calgary to Victoria isn’t THAT bad…

This man is making me simp and i’m really really hoping this shit works. I’m falling 😍

[solis-xxiv]

so I definitely did not expect him to tell me he’s falling for me last night. we aren’t official yet but when we call tonight … fingers crossed

[solis-xxiv]

At this point, this isn’t even poetry or anything fancy. This is just me gushing over the guy i’ve been talking to.

He checks up on me everyday. The first day he snapped me and basically told me he was worried about me. When he gets high or drunk, his first thought is to snap me. Last night we snapped for three hours. He opened up to me a bit, told me I made him feel comfortable and that he bet I’d be soft. He asked me to keep him warm (even though we live in different provinces). He gave me his number and we facetimed for another hour before we went to bed. At one point we made an agreement that if he dies, I would die. That agreement also extended to sleep - he insisted I go to bed (“Solis it’s so late for you! it’s midnight you gotta go to bed!”) to which I told him I would only go to sleep if he did as well.

This morning he sent me a good morning message. We talked about everything he said last night (he was a bit drunk last night). We hung up briefly so he could eat. While he ate, I started doing my makeup. He facetimed me back before I could finish. He asked me what I was doing, I told him. “Why?” he said. “Because I look ugly without it” I replied. He looked at me, “I disagree…”

I had gotten coffee and had to end the facetime. When I was finished we just snapped for a bit. I sent a snap with my coffee and he jokingly said “spit some in my mouth” so I said “sure”. He wasn’t expecting that to work. I laughed and said that there wasn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do. He sent a reply with Desire playing in the background. I sent a video basically telling him that song is on my 😈😩 playlist. To be honest I can’t remember exactly what was said next but he sent me a video of him with his shirt pulled up. He unsent the video and said “oops”. I said “you say oops like i’m complaining”.

Later on, around 2, my mom got mad at me. I was super upset and this guy (his name is Jordie btw) snapped me “ARE YOU CRYING????”. I was like yeah i am and he told me that as soon as my mom left my room he was gonna call me. We facetimed again. We didn’t even really talk. We didn’t need to. Watching him play his video game distracted me more than enough.

Every time he would look at me, I started blushing and laughing. He kept looking at me with this cute smile and it made me melt. He’s just so sweet and ugh. If I could hop on a flight right now, I would. A plane ride from Calgary to Victoria isn’t THAT bad…

This man is making me simp and i’m really really hoping this shit works. I’m falling 😍