solsoreia

with so much left to say

[beetlebongos]

one day youll be face to face with whatever saw fit to let you exist in the universe and youll have to justify the space youve filled

[solsoreia]

leaving // artifacts

they say that someone else's presence in your mouth stays for about six minutes from the last time they kissed you, that bruises from teethed affection fade after two weeks, that the skin replaces itself every twenty-seven days, and that muscle memory can last a month or a decade or a lifetime.

there are some rules to leaving something, or someone. for starters, restrain from talking about it to everyone all the time, save it for your five best friends only. don't sulk around in public after the first month, after which, all sulking must be restricted to drunk nights, bed pillows, and the bathroom floor. do not agree on the whole being friends deal, especially if you were best friends, especially if you still love them. do not mistake instinctual care for a sign of mutuality, good people always care about others. and do not kiss the hand that lets yours go, do not make a fool of yourself in hopes of redemption.

always remember, whether you are the one that leaves or the one that is left, keep walking. let the distance grow before turning back around. let there be enough space in between for new flowers to breathe. a garden rebirths itself even if left forever alone. soil grows stronger roots in the after-events of death and decay. here, you may choose to frolic in the weeds in a few years, but its best advised to just sit and watch the bloom. remember to keep walking. do not overstay your in-between welcomes. leave politely and in peace.

the flight that i am leaving on has a weight limit to it. and here's is what i can carry with me.

a number. a passcode. about 98mb worth of storage in my phone. a single overpriced earring. thirteen seashells from your trip to the beach two years ago. a sunflower that never dies. a silver sliver on my wrist. my hands. my skin. my bones. a couple of tattooed kisses that are due to fade in twelve days. a lighter and some candles. a box full of bills unsettled. a few papers to write more shit on. a ghost. a bag full of anger and well wishes.

here's what i am forced to leave behind. a sweatshirt. a jersey. a wrist band. a pair of eyeglasses. a lipstick. a few papers with shit written on. a song. a passenger seat in a car now sold. your hands. your skin. your lips. your scent. your name. a fit of foolish hope. an occupied empty room in my heart. a bag full of anger and well wishes. a pipe dream. bells. a dog and bright large windows. a garden to sit in. you.

[solsoreia]

“Love is risky precisely because it undoes and redoes you.”

- Donna Haraway in Gane, 2006

[solsoreia]

question…?

“I have a question for you”

“What’s up?”

“How many times do you think we can do this before we ruin us irreversibly and hate each other forever?”

“I have no clue.”

“…”

“…”

“I love whales.”

“I know, I remember.”

[solsoreia]

resentment and henna

Fine.

I’ll do it. I’ll let you resent me.

I’ll put on henna in the centre of my palms so that you don’t have to hold my hand.

Fine. I’ll do it.

I’ll let you resent the scent of my hair and the sight of my smile and you’ll never have to hold my hands again.

Now just sit back down here with me and let’s finish this meal. It’s too much for just one person and it tastes delicious, so eat.

Fine. I’ll do it.

Just come back, sit down.

I know you resent the smell of henna, and so you resent my hands too because

I’ve put henna on the palm of my hands so you don’t have to hold them anymore.

Fine. You don’t resent me.

I know you don’t resent me.

I wish you would want to hold my hand.

I wish you would kiss the soft of my wrists.

[godlymiseryclub]

[solsoreia]

on the bathroom floor

On days when life knocks me down to new lows, I sit on the bathroom floor. I turn off all the lights, I open the window. I light a cigarette with a gifted lighter, I play my favourite song.

My first heartbreak got me onto cigarettes. My second heartbreak made me a smoker.

On the bathroom floor with just me and the breeze, I live through every three minute long song with my eyes shut close. The music and breeze and my cigarette and me, alone. Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. The only light being the golden glow at the tip of my lips. The only sight being your eyes right behind the screen of mine.

On the bathroom floor, I’m swept by the harmonies radiating from my phone. I think of Siken crying on the bathroom floor. On the bathroom floor, I bleed free with the breeze and a golden glow. On the bathroom floor for three minutes, I bleed to call. On the bathroom floor, I breathe till I feel the burn on my lips. On the bathroom floor, I bleed and think of yours once more.

[solsoreia]

your hologram stumbled into my apartment. hands in the hair of someday in darkness named CHLOE. OR SAM. OR SOPHIA. OR MARCUS. and i. just. watched it. happen. as the decade would play us for fools and you saw my bones out with somebody new who seemed like he would’ve bullied you in school and you. just. watched it. happen.

if you wanna break my cold COLD heart, just say, “I loved you, the way that you were.” and if you wanna tear. my. world. apart. say you’ll always. wonder.

you said some things that I can’t unabsorb. you turned me into an idea of sorts. you needed me but you needed drugs more and I couldn’t. watch it happen. I changed into GODDESSES. VILLIANS. AND FOOLS. CHANGED PLANS. AND LOVERS. AND OUTFITS. AND RULES. ALL TO OUTRUN MY DESERTION OF YOU AND YOU. JUST. WATCHED. IT.

IF THE GLINT IN MY EYE TRACED THE DEPTHS OF YOUR SIGHS DOWN THAT PASSAGE IN TIME. BACK TO THE MOMENT I CRASHED INTO YOU LIKE SO MANY WRECKS DO. TOO IMPALED BY MY YOUTH. to know what to do.

so if I sell my apartment and you have some kids with an internet starlet, will that make your memory fade from this SCARLET MAROON? like it never happened.

could it be enough to just float in your orbit? can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses? cooler in theory but not if you force. it. to. be. IT. JUST. DIDNT. HAPPEN.

if you wanna break my cold COLD heart, say you loved me. if you wanna tear. my world. APART. say you’ll always. wonder.

cause I wonder. will I always? will I always? wonder.

[solsoreia]

yes babe that’s enough character development now go get your girl.

[solsoreia]

Whether I’m gonna be your wife or gonna smash up your bike, I haven’t decided yet, but imgonnagetyouback. Whether I’m gonna flip you off or pull you back into the closet, I haven’t decided yet, but imgonnagetyouback. I hear the whispers in your eyes I’ll make you wanna think twice you’ll find, that you were never not mine. You’re MIIIIINE.

I CAN FEEL IT COMING HUMMING IN THE WAY YOU MOVE. PUSH THE RESET BUTTON WE’RE BECOMING SOMETHING NEW. SAY YOU GOT SOMEBODY I’LL SAY I GOT SOMEONE TOO. EVEN IF ITS HANDCUFFED IM LEAVING HERE WITH YOUUUUUU. BYGONES WILL BE BYGONES ERAS FADING INTO GRAY. WE THREW ALL THE PIECES BUT STILL WANNA PLAY THE GAME. I TOLD MY FRIENDS I HATE YOU BUT I LOVE YOU STILL THE SAME. PICK YOUR POISON BABE IM POISON EITHER WAYYYY. *THUD THUD* WHETHERIMGONNABEYOURWIFEOR *THUD THUD* GONNASMASHUPYOURBIKEI *THUD THUD* HAVENTDECIDEDYET *THUD THUD* BUTIMGONNAGETTTYOUUUBACK

[solsoreia]

if I could fly over to you

If I could fly to you tomorrow morning, I’d pretend to have sent you a parcel from somewhere, and bait you to come to the door. When you open the door I’d say something clever and funny, something laid-back to hide the fact that I flew a thousand miles over to you. I’d throw my arms around your neck and I imagine you’d hold me by my waist too. My nails would trace Five imissyous in your hair and hopefully your breath on my neck would do the same.

At noon I’d cook something nice for us and you can sit next to the stove, chatting away. We can sit side by side or at opposite ends and pretend to enjoy another mediocre attempt at gourmet. There wouldn’t be a need to talk, you already know. I hope. You wouldn’t ask me to make an excuse for my sudden apparition, and I’d pretend to be comfortable in your space from far away.

We can watch your favourite films and dissect every frame like great artists who just couldn’t be. With bellies full and weary eyes, we can sleep away the midday sun. I’ll try to match my breathing with yours, hold in and slow down my heartbeat. We can play pretend and fall to dreams while I stare at your face and at the spot I kept my hands on.

At dusk you can pour me something golden in mismatched college glassware and follow it with an empty clink. Eight sips in, I’ll light a cigarette with the lighter you gave me, and catch you furrowing a brow at it. You’d count out the cons of burning tobacco leaves, and then take a puff when I offer you one without resistance anyway. We can sit and chat away about mindless things till Seven, and I’d laugh at all your jokes.

All throughout, I’d like to think, you’d want to close the distance between us too. Two grazing knees under the table at lunch and a rested head on the shoulder sipping whiskey and ice.

In slurry words and lazy tongues, I’ll confess how much I have missed you all this while. And under the translucent influence you can bury your head in my chest and say you missed me too. I’ll rub your back and kiss your forehead, and you can plant your ear on my skin. Listen to the fan stir air thickened with loss, I’d have to give in and say,

I’m sorry for how things worked out. We deserved better. I’m sorry I pushed you too hard. I know you loved me. I know you loved me very much. I loved you too, I will always. You need to let go of our mistakes, yours and mine both. You shouldn’t punish yourself for things you didn’t do. You were always so nice to me. So nice and kind and loving. I’m sorry that I exhausted you. I’m sorry I kept you running. Things don’t need to be as black and white as you want them to be. It’s okay. You’re doing the best you can and I am so proud of you. You’re going to make it. You will have everything you want and desire, I will pray for it. You can put the walls down. It’s okay. I’m here. You don’t need to severe every thread you stitched to me, you don’t need to strike my name out in your books. Please don’t categorise and computerise the sound of my voice. Don’t recalculate my place and my value in your life. Most of all, don’t be indifferent to us, don’t push me away. I’m here now. I’m here. I’m here. I’m here. I flew a thousand miles this morning for you. It’s okay. Nothing else matters right now. I’m here and there’s another to movie left to watch. I’m here until there’s another flight to catch. I’m here and I’m here and I’m here. For you.

17/03/26

[solsoreia]

to care

I want to smash my head into the wall

I want to shatter the mirror I stare at 

I want to show up to your house 

And scream my heart out 

Hit your head with something heavy and pink

Instead

I will wash my face and moisturize it

I will bathe myself with boiling water, purify every inch 

I'll rub off all my layers,

Every part of me you ever touched 

And i will scrub you out of muscle memory 

I will put lotion on my skin and 

I will brush my hair gently

I will wear that sweater and keep myself warm 

I will paint my lips and smile bright

It'll hide the stains of your left over kisses

And then maybe

Maybe I will forget how bad it stings 

I will face all of my despair 

And I will not succumb to it

I will take all of my despair

And make something beautiful of it

(March 2023)

[graveofscars]

[solsoreia]

how do I grieve this?

Frankly speaking, this was a long time coming. You could just sit there and tell. Both your friends and mine would agree and perhaps would heave a sigh of relief. But what do I say? How do I grieve you?

For someone who never expressed how much they loved me, for someone who never said all three of those words together and without a nudge, what do I have to look back at? No letters, no prose, no words to affirm, no words to reassure. No tuxedos and no balloons in the trunk of your car for the someone who wasn’t the one.

But it’s never that easy is it? It would be merciless for me to claim that you never loved me. Almost as crude as your reluctance to express it. Because I know you and your effortless charm. I know you and your careful deception. I know you, and I always will.

There’s love in the first bite of everything eaten, which was always mine, from your fingers to my lips. There’s love in the hand on the wheel that drove alone because its companion was intertwined with mine. There’s love in the kisses blown from 1400 miles away reflecting off from glass screens and helplessly never reaching.

There’s love in your teeth forever engraved on the top of my right shoulder, and the left one. There’s love in my back arching itself for your arms to find the gap to fill in. There’s love in my hands holding your face in them for the last time, full of grief and longing.

There’s love in my empty hands.

[solsoreia]

keeping

I keep broken things 

Save the single earring whose other was lost 

Store the necklace with a broken clasp, reduced to mere chains

I keep your letters and I keep the notes 

I wear the jewellery and the hair clips

I save the stones and pebbles and flowers

I fold your shirt, nice and warm 

I shove it to the end of my closet.

I worship the scars on my body from when we tripped and fell out,

Because we were laughing too hard

And our eyes were full of tears.

I keep the ring tucked safely in its case,

Placing its edges together right where it's broken in the middle

And with it I keep you as well, down on your knee and smiling  

Taking up all the of space my heart, body and soul

I keep broken things

(January 2023)

[solsoreia]

cheaper and more

Cheap cheaper cheapest-

Get whatever you want in its cheapest possible price except it’s made of plastic now. The product, the box, the package which it comes in. The product, the contents, the ingredients that make it. Cheaper and more and more and more. Buy one and get three and all that for free. Here’s some water to quench your thirst except the bottle is plastic and the water is contaminated with underground water pumping machines that suck up and dry out the ground beneath your feet. Buy this water for cheap in this bottle and the label and the cap and the ad that comes with it. Cheaper and more and more and more, except it’s just little bit of plastic. A little bit of plastic in your hands and your mouth and a little bit of plastic in your blood and your balls. In your children and in your infants and the fetus and the eggs and there’s plastic in your mind and soul but for cheaper cheaper cheaper and more.

[jennyjaffe]

Captcha Needs You to Prove You Are Human

Re-type the phrase in the box. Select every picture that contains a motorcycle. Can you spot the difference between a photo of your best friend where she’s pretending to be mad at you and a photo where she’s actually mad at you? Select every picture that contains a coworker you secretly find attractive. You’re running out of time. Take a very satisfying dump. Have very unsatisfying sex. Re-type the phrase in the box in a way that won’t worry your mom. Can you spot the difference between a good cry and a bad cry? Captcha needs you to prove you are human. Cheer when the DVD logo hits the corner. Pretend that fart wasn’t you. Re-type the phrase in the box until it loses its meaning. Select every picture that reminds you of home. Tell your best friend your most toxic thought and have her say “shut the fuck up me too”. Describe a sneeze. Can you spot the difference between who you are now and who you used to be? Select every picture that contains multitudes. You’re running out of time.