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I'm so irritated right now. I just had the chance to adopt a foster pup and all I can hear in my head is my dad telling me I should really wait until I've been settled in. For a year. At least. Are you goddam kidding me. All I have wanted these past two years is to have a dog, a best friend or a boyfriend down here with me in North Carolina. And currently I have nothing. And it is killing me inside. Yet I still can't make the dog thing happen bc my dad is just so fucking set against me having a pet and it's buried deep in my brain and I'm incapable of doing anything that my parents disapprove of. Fuck this

I'm writing this while waiting for my life to pick back up. I'm waiting for things to get better again, to not have the giant hole in my heart that makes getting through the day so difficult. I'm waiting for work to get busy enough that I don't have the time to think about anything other than work, especially not about you. I'm waiting for my knee to get better so I can start running again, waiting to not feel like the laziest person to ever sit at her cubicle staring at the computer screen. I ended it so I wouldn't be doing this, waiting around for things. I wanted to be able to live my life and not be worried about leaving you behind. But now this is a whole different kind of waiting game. And it feels just as shitty.

I regret to say this, but Ariana Grande’s song Dangerous Woman is now one of my favorite songs of 2016.

missiinq

So I apologized, something I’ve been meaning to do since I was a massive bitch. I don’t expect a response, but I really want one. I feel so pathetic for still caring about this. Why do I care so god damn much???????

I am not in a good place right now. Emotionally and mentally, I feel like I’ve been bull dozed multiple times in a row and there’s no coming back from that. My brain is mush. I only have 3 weeks until I’m home for family time but then I’m back down in this godforsaken place for another like 3 months. I don’t want to be done here anymore and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve made better friends, I’m happy about that. But romantically, I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust anyone at this point and I feel like I keep trying to go backwards because I don’t see any hope in going forward. But going backwards is even more dangerous and bad for me because lets face it, those guys are in the past for a reason. I’m just so tired of feeling this shitty all the time. I don’t get why guys just don’t want to date me. What is so unappealing about that idea? And no I do not count my 31 year old roommate wanting to date me, because seriously that’s not even a remote possibility. And I’m so over this semester of school. I’ve never felt so burnt out from school as I have these past two semesters. I can no longer make myself care about studying or doing really well on exams. I’m over it. Like right now, I should be studying for the weekly quizzes we have but I literally couldn’t care less. I’m so damn out of sorts, ugh.

shitmystudentswrite

Paradox

A paradox is a statement that appears self-contradictory but reveals a truth, ex. women

It is a miserable feeling when after you invest your time and emotions in someone and are still not sure where you stand.

This always happens. I need to stop getting my hopes up because they always end up crushed. This is such bull shit.

Grad School is my friend

My grades for my first semester of grad school were the type of grades I got in high school. Fuck yea straight As.

I can always tell when I'm about to fuck myself over in some way when I start to get bored. Boredom is the 1 ingredient recipe for my destruction.

That awkward moment when One Tree Hill is making me bitter af when it should really just be making me happy.

#bitterestbitch

whatshouldwecallsinglelife

When I started swiping right on Tinder more often than I used to

Running

I've set a new goal for myself. When I was younger, I wanted to hike the entire Appalachian Trail but now I'm not as sure how I feel about that. My dad is currently trying to hike all of the peaks in the Adirondacks, so someday he'll be a 46er. But I think I have a new goal that I'll try to get in during my lifetime. I don't think I need to set a time goal for it, just that I get it done.

I'd like to run a race (5k, 8k, 10k, half marathon, whatever) in all 50 states and DC (or at least the 48 accessible ones). I've already run in NJ, NY, VT, NC, and hopefully by mid-November I can add VA to the list. Maybe I'll see if Alex would want to run something in DC next year. But I think it would be a fun goal to accomplish and it would give me incentive to continue to train.

"Bad Intentions" EP available at http://smarturl.it/badintentionsep Lyrics by Niykee Heaton Vocal Produced by Kuk Harrell

She's just so damn good.

I think my hypochondria is getting bad again. The anxiety isn't yet, thank god, but I can feel the hypochondriac thoughts getting worse....

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