Some Saints

For each post, I consult the calendar of saints' days of the Catholic Church and I drag these unsung heroes back into the limelight.

[somesaints]

St. Arbogast

Arbogast was an Irish monk who was educated at Slane monastery together with the Austrasian prince-in-exile, Dagobert.  The two of them became fast friends, and during their adolescence, they were known for playing good-natured pranks.  

When it came time for Dagobert to return to Burgundy to take the throne, he had grown quite accustomed to life in the British Isles, so he and Arbogast devised a plan: the Irishman would take his place and rule in Austrasia.  It was thus that Arbogast served for two years as king of Austrasia, during which time he brought several pre-occupations of Ireland into the Frankish domain.  Chief amongst them was the mysterious concoction known as uisge beath, which he served at court functions much to the approval of the Frankish nobles.  They called it eau de vie.

After a while, Arbogast grew tired of playing at kingship, and he retired to a monastery near Strasbourg.  He invited Dagobert to return to his kingdom, but the nobles would only accept him on one condition: that he bring with him a hearty supply of the Irish drink.  That he did, but with dire consequences: when, a few years later, the supply ran out, so did the goodwill of the Frankish nobles.  Not long afterward, Dagobert was killed during a hunt, which shows that he who brings with him whiskey is remembered as a saint, but only for as long as the whiskey lasts.

[somesaints]

St. Kirdjun

Kirdjun was perhaps one of Egypt's most notorious robbers, who started a long and venerable tradition of converting to Christianity in prison.  In the third century, converting to Christianity in prison did not carry with it the cachet of public penance that it does now: it had rather the air of joining a secret society, or falling in with a gang in prison.  Much like secret societies, certain churches, still reeling from the effects of recent persecutions, required new members to prove their bona fides by performing acts of daring.

Kirdjun's skills as a thief perfectly qualified him to complete such a trial.  After consulting with the other Christian inmates at Alexandria Prefectural Penitentiary, he decided to escape the prison and prove his faith by performing one last heist: stealing the golden headdress from the statue of Sol Invictus in Ptolemy Forum.  The escape from the prison happened easily enough, and he spent a day praying and fasting to ensure his success.

He entered the Forum at sunrise, and he tried the most direct route, which was to walk up to it as if he belonged there.  He grabbed the headdress and strolled away, miraculously attracting no attention at all. The crown itself became a gift for Dionysos, the Bishop of Alexandria, who wore it to begin a long tradition of golden headgear for men of the Church.  Alas, Kirdjun and Dionysos were eventually apprehended, but thanks to their martyrdom, bishops of generations hence would adorn their heads like sun gods of ages past.

[somesaints]

St. Arnulf of Metz

Arnulf was a Frankish potentate who sought to cement his legacy among the Franks for a long time.  By 605 AD, he had spent a few years in the service of King Theudebert II of Austrasia, and he came to the realization that kings came and went, but that he would most likely be remembered if he assumed a role with a rather unique title.  On the other hand, Arnulf wished to show restraint in his designation, that he would not be seen as putting on airs or trying to usurp the God-given power of his king. 

For this reason, some of the titles prevalent in the sixth and seventh century would not be appropriate, like "Grand Vizier", "Keeper of the Flame", or "Falconer General."  It was after one of Theudebert's rowdy parties that Arnulf was tasked with the unpleasant work of asking the guests to leave, and he did it with such tact and vigor that even Salo, the King's cousin who hardly left before breakfast the next day, was headed home in a haywain by half past midnight.  The next morning, the King told him, "You know what?  From thenceforth I will call you the Master of the House."

It was thus that "Master of the House" became the title for the men who held the power behind the throne in the kingdoms of the Franks, and Arnulf's descendants held the title for generations hence.  

[somesaints]

St. Magnus Felix Ennodius

Ennodius was a Gallo-Roman aristocrat and bishop of Pavia who worked hard to preserve the linguistic traditions of the Latin world.  To that end, he sought to restore Latin usage to as "pure" of a state as possible, which required doing a great amount of etymological research.

Ever concerned with the laxity of speech that had overtaken the inheritors of the Roman world, Ennodius undertook the sacred duty of uncovering ancient grammatical cases which he believed had fallen out of currency in the past few hundred years.  Examples include:

Locative: indicating place or subject.  cogito bovis - "I think about a cow"

Essive:  indicating role.  vivo bovitis - "I live as a cow"

Permissive:  indicating having been granted the ability to do something, often grudgingly. ludo bovatis - "I (am allowed to) play at the sufferance of a cow"

Abusive: indicating usage as an instrument for achieving an end, only to be discarded later when convenient. lucro bovabis - "I profit with the aid of a(n unwitting) cow"

Preventative: indicating the preclusion of something. canto bovitatis - "I sing without the possibility of the appearance of cows". see also Prophylactive: canto bovitatibis - "I sing having taken great pains to prevent the participation of cows, but it is by no means guaranteed."

Survective: indicating a fashion of appearing like something, but only particularly from a distance. ambulo boviis - "I walk the way a cow would appear to walk if seen from a great distance (but not especially from up close)"

Suffusive: indicating having been imbued with something, almost in an adverbial fashion. NB this case brought Ennodius much approval in the Church, as it would often be used in conjunction with the Holy Spirit or at least a feeling of tremendum. laboro bovatibis - "I work whilst filled from head to toe with cows"

While Ennodius' disquisitions were often close to unreadable, their opacity was understood to convey a profound spiritual element for centuries to come. 

[somesaints]

St. Helier

Helier was a priest from Normandy who was often considered an eccentric.  However, we was just one of a tide of clerics who centered their ministry on the sea in the wake of St. Wulfram's work in Frisia.  Where a new generation of bathers, no longer afraid of dark sea gods, would dare to venture out into deeper water, Helier was there to chide them on their immodest choice in bathing attire, or even liken the dark water to another spiritual domain: the hell that awaited them if they wished to stray from grace.

A formidable tactic of Helier's was to walk out into the water at the very lowest tide and wait for potential souls to harangue.  His great asceticism endowed him with a tolerance for darkness and cold which allowed him to wait hours for the arrival of bathers.  One of two scenarios would typically play out.  The first was a swimmer in over his head, showing signs of drowning.  Helier would come seemingly out of nowhere and save the wretch, who would naturally be quite receptive to the word of the Lord.  If the swimmers of a day proved to be stronger, Helier would creep just underneath them, jumping out at a moment calculated to cause fear.  The effect would be similar to saving someone from drowning, and a religious lesson would ensue.

It so happened that Helier's zeal led him to push farther and farther from shore, and he ended up swimming to an island in the English Channel, now known as Jersey.  There he found natives who, like the inhabitants of Frisia generations before, remained uninterested in bathing in the open water, and ignorant of the Church.  Helier converted them all, and now lends his name to the capital of the Isle of Jersey.

[somesaints]

St. Veronica

Veronica was a Judaean woman with a rather interesting habit: she sought to make imprints of the faces of famous people.  To that end, she prepared rags imbued with a secret mixture of ingredients (thought to be the Judaean equivalent of a ratatouille), which was soluble in human sweat and would come off to make an image of a person's face.  On especially hot days, she would stand by the side of the Via Praetoria near Golgotha and wait for her subjects to pass by.

She had already captured the images of a few worthies:  Pontius Pilate had passed by, and she had hustled up to his carriage and offered some relief from the heat.  He was so delighted with the novelty of this picture that he invited her back to his villa, where she was commissioned to use an entire banner to make a group image of his family.  Another subject was Itai the Charioteer, who was as graceful as the governor.

It was one day in 33 AD, then, that Veronica would truly make her name.  She took her place by the road because she had heard rumors that Jesus would be coming by later that day.  She was much dismayed to see him being driven to the place of his crucifixion, but she was glad that she could give him comfort in the form of a cool, wet towel.  The result was a lasting image, and Veronica is remembered as the patron saint of photography.

[somesaints]

St. Swithun

Swithun was a bishop of Winchester, which was under the dominion of Lord Wulfric, a potentate of questionable interest in the occult. Wulfric considered himself a master of the weather, and he resented any efforts to deny that control. It so happened that Swithun's closest friend was Robert, a natural philosopher whose interest lay in predicting the weather. Robert found himself subject to persecution by Wulfric, who sought to monopolize all discussion of weather; upon witnessing one of Robert's disquisitions in the square, he imprisoned him. In addition to feeling concern for his friend, Swithun saw heresy in Wulfric's stance, and he had the lord excommunicated for sorcery. Before long, Wulfric was disgraced and exiled, Robert was free, and the people of England would once again be able to speak freely of the weather.

[somesaints]

St. Benedict of Nursia

One of the most beloved of all saints, Benedict is known for having founded the Benedictine order, and the degree of admiration he enjoys is expressed through an immense number of patronages: eight hundred twenty-seven (320 occupations or plights, and 507 places), second only to St. Paul among all Roman Catholic saints.

Some of the lesser-known patronages of St. Benedict:

bear trainers

bathroom attendants

topiary artists

teams that have been relegated from Serie B of Italian football

people who respond to Internet comment threads to correct others' errors

people who sew clothes for animals

people who have stubbed their toes

people who have extra fingers on their left hands

the gas station at the base of Via Marconi in Spoleto

the South Pole

[somesaints]

St. Amalberga of Mauberge

Amalberga was the wife of Lotharingian Count Witger, a strong and compassionate but also hard-headed man. Unlike other Frankish nobles of the day, he did not rely on servants for many day-to-day tasks, preferring to do them himself. In fact, when he and Amalberga visited their relatives and made pilgrimages, he would drive the wagon himself.

In the year 670, there was one particularly harrowing trip to Strazburg, where they were to visit Witger's cousin Ludger. A wrong turn on a narrow, hilly path meant that they would have to stay the night in the Vosges Mountains, and Amalberga was rightly frustrated with her husband for not having stopped at the nearest inn to ask for directions.

Though the cold night passed without incident, Amalberga resolved to learn to read, so that she could decipher a map and have something to say about their travels. That she did, and her new passion for the written word persisted through the rest of her life.  She joined a convent where she taught the other nuns to read, and is always pictured with an open book.

[somesaints]

St. Everilda

Everilda hailed from the Kingdom of Wessex, whose pagan society was riven by a terrible feud in the early seventh century.  At the time, religious practice in Wessex revolved around the creation of iron objects which were endowed with spiritual power.  In fact, blacksmiths played the role of priests in the kingdom, and they were feared and respected in equal measure.  Alas, their hold on the spiritual lives of the people in Wessex was loosened by a terrible power struggle over who would lead the Smiths in the wake of the departure of their previous leader, Lewis the Masked Pope.

One candidate, who went by the name of Marrissey, had dark, slicked-back hair, and he often wore a vest with no shirt underneath.  A sensitive sort, he possessed a flair for the dramatic that meant he had no shortage of followers.  The other candidate to lead the Smiths was Morr.  While unprepossessing physically, his renown came from his talent:  no other Smith could craft sacred objects of such beauty.  Given the great stature and the opposite natures of the two men, it is no surprise that they would eventually clash, and indeed they grew to hate each other.

A natural peacemaker, Princess Everilda resented the vitriol and violence that erupted between followers of Marrissey and Morr, and she sought a third path.  Her disgust led her to renounce her adoration of the Smiths altogether and to adopt Christianity, which she insisted was the Cure to Wessex's problems.  Everilda had the ear of a third prominent Smith, Robert, and she persuaded him to convert to Christianity as well.  It would not be too long before the people of Wessex adopted the religion, and the Smiths lost their power.

[somesaints]

St. Sunniva

Sunniva was an Irish princess whose beauty, charm, and compassion attracted a lot of attention from suitors.  When she was a teenager, she fled Ireland (with close friends in tow) to prevent an invasion by one such suitor, Ekke Yellowbeard, and ended up on a remote island.  It did not take long for word of her location to spread, however, and a new suitor came calling: Flokke Greenbeard, whose odor and capacity for pillaging in the name of arranged marriage even exceeded Ekke's.

It was so that Sunniva and her friends ended up in Selje in Norway, where she once again attracted the attention of a local king, Hakon Redchin (a moniker that typically referred to the clean-shaven).  She hid out in a cave, where she prayed for protection from Hakon and the other heathens.  God's protection manifested itself in the form of a rockfall, which sealed off the cave and resulted in Sunniva and her followers' deaths.  Later, when Norway converted to Christianity, Sunniva's piety was recognized and her relics venerated, and so she became the nation's patron saint.

[somesaints]

Some Saints on Vacation!

Some Saints will be taking a break the next two weeks, but fear not!  These magical tales of feats great and small will return to the Internet on Monday, July 8th.

Some classics you may have missed:

St. Brioc invents the brioche.

St. Augustine of Canterbury strives to succeed the Kentish Pope.

St. Walpurga christens the nascent metal scene.

St. Wulfram teaches the Frisians to enjoy living by the seaside.

St. Melito helps edit the Bible.

[somesaints]

St. Aloysius Gonzaga

Aloysius was a promising young priest who was born into one of the lesser noble families of Mantua, and he came from a line of men who always wished that they would be recognized as one of the major families. To gain prestige, Aloysius’ father and uncles entered him in a Mantuese debate tournament where he was up against stiff competition indeed: the Della Roveres and Sforzas who had traditionally dominated the field.

Aloysius entered the first round against a country lad named Luca Vercelli, who was rather satisfied with the mere invitation to the tournament. To boot, the first topic was one for which young Aloysius had prepared well: “Ought stockings with colored stripes to be legalized?” He passionately trotted out the negative consequences of such a break in the social order, and young Luca could not match his rhetorical flair.

It was when Aloysius advanced to the third round of the tournament that he was drawn against Leo Sforza, who had finished second the year before. The bookmakers in Florence refused to even post odds. Aloysius more than rose to the occasion, storming to a lead against his opponent, this time on the topic of whether the Pope ought to be allowed to annex any country he wished. (He came out in the affirmative). Sforza made a mess of the opposite side of the argument, and Gonzaga came out ahead in a dramatic upset.

While Aloysius did not prevail against one Emilio Della Rovere in the final round, his family was nonetheless proud of the performance.  They knew that, for years hence, the Gonzaga name would indicate major talent.

[somesaints]

Pope St. Silverius

What was truly miraculous about Pope Silverius is that he was the only recorded Pope whose father (Horsmisdas) was a Pope! Of course, Silverius was conceived well before his father became a priest, but what is absolutely amazing is that, according to Church archives, his mother was pregnant for over twenty-five years! This means that Silverius was born while his father was the Pope, but without any impropriety whatsoever!

It was truly wonderful that a child who was conceived and born in completely appropriate circumstances could nonetheless grow up at the feet of the Pope! And to be sure, there was no nepotism whatsoever involved in Silverius’ climb in the church hierarchy, as he was selected by the King of the Goths himself! The story of St. Silverius, the only Scion of a Papal "Dynasty," is truly a wonder to behold!

[somesaints]

St. Juliana Falconieri

Juliana was a sister in the Servite order of nuns in Florence, who inspired a profound transformation in their mode of dress.  Throughout the Middle Ages, many orders of nuns dressed in habits that were extremely restrictive in the range of motion, providing no more freedom than was strictly necessary to pray.  The founder of the Servites in particular, Juliana's great-uncle Alessio, instituted one of the most stringent dress codes in all of monasticism: nuns' habits did not even have armholes, so nuns resembled nothing more than bells that would waddle from prayer service to prayer service.

This inspired much consternation in sisters who wished to help the less fortunate:  attempts to cook food and tend to the sick often resulted in embarrassment, as a nun trying to grasp a ladle through her thick burlap habit would often spill scalding soup, or a nun would accidentally smother a plague patient she was trying to soothe.  One day, during Speaking Time at her convent, Juliana resolved to seek change.  It took a while, as Speaking Time took place but once a month, during which each sister was allowed one word.  Juliana was patient, however, and over the course of a spring, she uttered, "We. Need. Sleeves."  Luckily, to drive home her point, she had prepared a sample garment: it was a habit with sleeves, allowing for an unprecedented range of motion while still enforcing total modesty.

Juliana's revolutionary idea spread rapidly: the majority of the nuns used their allotted word to say "Yes!" and the new habits were adopted right away.  Before long, the sisters could go out into the community and no longer cause fear and confusion wherever they went: they used their arms to feed the hungry and tend to the sick, and Juliana would always be remembered for her service to nuns across Italy.

[somesaints]

St. Calogerus the Anchorite

Calogerus was a Greek hermit who attained renown as an exorcist.  Like many future saints, he preferred a life of quiet contemplation, but the times demanded that he go into the wider world to exercise his talents.  He achieved prominence in the year 453, when he was living in a cave near Salonae, and his peace was disturbed by the clattering of hooves. 

A horse had squirmed its way through the narrow opening to the cave and was thrashing and foaming at the mouth.  Calogerus backed into a corner and prayed, and before long the horse had calmed down entirely.  The two became fast friends, and it was not long before the horse's owner, a military officer by the name of Rictus, came looking for the beast.  He was impressed by the change in the horse's demeanor, and pleaded that Calogerus join him in the cause of exorcising the rest of the horses in his legion: it was the only hope for saving the Empire (and, he implied, Orthodox Christianity) from the Vandal hordes that were threatening to strangle it.

Calogerus took up the cause with zeal: before long, he had criss-crossed the Empire, exorcising horses and soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder, and his appearance could be counted on to provide a boost in morale.  Alas, it proved to be too much for one man, but Calogerus will always be remembered for buying time in the battle against the barbarians and their off-brand Christianity.

[somesaints]

St. Botwulf

Botwulf was an English abbot at a time when clergymen offered services that went far beyond the spiritual: farmers who were experiencing problems with their crops would visit his monastery at Ikanhoe in Suffolk seeking a blessing.  It turns out that the abbot had a great head for agriculture, and his practical guidance turned many a farmer's fortunes around.  Before long, he started traveling to more and more far-flung domains to give advice, and his ministry evolved into something like a seventh-century consulting business.

Botwulf's services were so much in demand that the logistics of efficiently traveling from place to place taxed his genius at least as much as aiding farmers did.  In particular, he devoted a great deal of effort to deciding, given a roster of clients' farms and the distances between them, what would be shortest path to stop at each farm and still return to Ikanhoe.  Thus, it is recognized that Botwulf was the first to formulate the computationally hard traveling salesman problem, and, even more tantalizingly, surviving fragments of his journals imply that he had a rather ingenious method for computing a solution.  While the algorithms are lost and Botwulf is recognized as a patron of both farmers and travelers, scholars of Ecclesiastical Combinatorics have debated their nature ever since.

A breakthrough in solving the mystery appears to have happened in 1992, when archaeologists excavated a part of Botwulf's chambers, finding small clay models that appear to represent the landscape of East Anglia.  Further analysis revealed that specific paths on the models had been heavily populated with ants, meaning that Botwulf had effectively used an ant farm to simulate the optimal paths between farms; this was an implementation of the so-called ant colony optimization algorithm, thirteen centuries ahead of its time.