It’s been 5 years since it’s happened, but it still haunts my dreams and controls my life. So, tonight as I lay awake crying, I have decided to tell my story.
The story about how I was used for child porn at the age of 14. You hear that things like this happen to everyone and you’re told it’s normal, but I’m realizing it’s not. Nothing of what I went through was normal.
Today I am telling you what I haven’t told anyone, not even my fiancé. He will see this on here and he will most likely be upset for me that I went through this and he will respond with love and support. I know him, I know how he is, and I know I trust him. But he’s asleep right now, so I’m going to tell you.
His name was Shaun. I was 13 when he started messaging me on Facebook (we had a mutual friend who was my friend from Australia. Her and I both liked art, so we added each other. She was 21 but it wasn’t weird, we just really loved painting) he told me I was cute and asked how old I was, but my age was on my page. I had the correct age, unlike everyone else. I proudly displayed that I was 13. He was 25.
We got to talking because I was bullied and fat so I thought it was amazing that someone was finally paying attention to me. After a few weeks he said he loved me and my little heart raced. I started to brag about him at school and no one cared. I flaunted the fact that he was 25 and no one told anyone. No one tried to save me from what was to come.
He eventually asked for nudes and I said no. I had no sexual drive until I was 17, so nudes just weren’t my thing. I didn’t like sex and I didn’t feel horny ever.
So I decided to do it just to make him happy. I sent him a picture of my boobs. He said gross things about what he did while looking at the picture and I was dryer than ever. Again, was never horny before age 17. Sex didn’t make sense to me.
He described what he wanted to do to me, most of which was rape. He never said he wanted to ‘have sex’ with me. It was always either ‘fuck’ or ‘rape’ and he described my body with the most terrifying terms.
We continued ‘dating’ for 2 more years. He made me happy except for when he would ask for nudes then send me nudes without asking (if he had asked, I would say no. Dicks were gross)
I kept sending nudes only to make him happy, but then one day I woke up to a message from him. He said he never loved me and he was only using me. He was worried about me telling people about him and he didn’t want anyone to know. He blocked me before I could reply. At first I was sad, but then he unblocked me just to send one last message,
“I’m going to keep your pics forever. I wish I could have raped that baby pussy”
I felt disgusted and although it was just an online relationship, I was scared for my life. He knew my address because he had sent me a letter before. He knew my school. He knew my last name. He knew my mom’s name. He knew too much
I deleted my Facebook and told everyone I forgot my password, but I remember it. I blocked him on my new Facebook before he could add me. I deleted the email he reached me by and I got a new phone number. I begged my mom to let us move, but she refused. I never told her why I wanted to move or she may have. To this day I wake up to noises and expect to see Shaun standing over me. I have nightmares of him trying to kill me. I remember him jacking off on skype while I sat in my Jonas Brothers shirt. I have flashbacks to our messages and all the signs I missed. I remember the times I sent him child porn, where the star was me.
To this day I have lived with this story just existing in my head, and I have refused to release it into the world in fear of being called stupid for what I did. Trust me, I didn’t want to do it. He had threatened to murder me and my mom a few times and I couldn’t let that happen.
So that was my story. The story of Shaun. The story that is the birth of my fear. The reason I can’t send my own fiancé nudes and would rather show him in person. The reason I’m terrified of my own body. The reason I tried to kill myself.
I will never forget what you did to me
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