Ramona

A human shaped blobb trying to breathe.

[sometimesi-needtobreathe]

Well since no one knoes me. Part-2

Surprisingly as soon as I wrote that first post, which in all honesty I know I struggled with. I was confused what to write about and if I should even start in the first place.But now i have a small idea that I got excited about, before I realized how scary this actually is. Putting yourself out there, if people will even like it or relate to it. They might relate to this post a little though.

I don’t really know the theme to this blog, so bear with me if it’s a little scattered.  I think another part about me is, my constant need for approval or constant need to be liked and to fit in.

Though I don't think I fit in exactly. Certain parts of me do. But me as a whole, completely without having to worry or be afraid that parts of me will not be accepted. Being made fun off doesn't count, people will always find something to tease you about. Friendly banter as people know it, I do it. Though I'm probably not the friendliest about it. Which if you do know me and i did this to you, I apologize, I have no excuse. Just know that I'm working on it and I mean no harm. 

I think it plays out in the part of me picking up parts of people around me. Me trying to learn more and get more involved. Everyone likes to be liked right? Or is this just me desperate and seeking attention? I think eventually what I’m looking for most of the time is someone just like me, someone who likes the same things I do or does the same things I do, feels the same way about everything. I think this just lacks originality. But part of just wants this to see how things go  and someone else is like this, then maybe I’m doing alright for now? That maybe I am doing things right and maybe I can completely fit in.

[sometimesi-needtobreathe]

Well since no one knows me.

This might just be the first of many or this might just be the only one. Let’s see how this goes anyway.

Well since no one knows me, makes it a litte easier to rant or well just talk. Even if it just my laptop or one stranger who might end up reading this. 

I’d start by introducing myself but I’ve realized i don’t really know who I am well enough to say this is me. This is not a post about identity crisis or maybe it is, we’ll figure out as ths goes along. 

Well I know for sure I can be confusing or confused a lot. I’m both uncertain and sometimes super sure of my decisions, though a lot of them might not be the best ones out there. That’s what’s lead me to be uncertain of a lot of things I do or say now. If i say or do the wrong thing, how do i know before i do? Certain people seem to know. Maybe it’s an illusion, maybe it’s years of practice. For right now I sure don’t have it down. To me it’s confusing, I feel like I’m either too ‘me’ or not enough ‘me’

I think the way I am or the person I try to be changes with the people around me. I’m me right? But different versions of me. Different versions of me meaning a mix of the people around me. Not that I’m trying to be someone else, because then I’d have to understand who i was to change things right? It’s more parts of people around me that I want be like or things i wish i did. Things that i think that will help me feel more like me. Does that not make me my own person? 

Well i know one thing for sure, that I’m confused and maybe everyone is. But for right now confusion is a big part of me and the things I do.

Well since no knows me, I might just stick to this. I might just help me try and figure out who I really am. This is one step to the ‘goal’ perhaps or just a bigger step into the confusion.