he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@somuchfattitude
The aftermath
This time next week I’ll be in surgery. Tummothy’s great departure will have begun. And I am so in my head. The anxiety of the surgery has come and gone. The anxiety of recovery has come and gone. But now I’m in my head wondering, “Have I done enough?” Have I lost enough weight? It’s a weird thought, honestly. My surgeon says he doesn’t think he’ll be doing any lipo. He assures me this is all…
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What If
I have always battled anxiety and craved control. The lack of it is frustrating for me. I have had to learn to relinquish the need for control since having children. Some days better than other. My eldest has an autoimmune disease (PANS) that presents behaviorally, as well as physically. Unbeknownst to her, she has given me the greatest opportunity for growth in my life. I am forced to look at…
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3.5 Years Later
It's been awhile...
I always return to writing. It feels good. I’d be remiss if I told you I don’t have reservations about how raw and vulnerable I am at times, especially since my body is most of my content, but if I can make literally one person feel not so alone, I have accomplished my mission. In my last post three and a half years ago, I said I’d make a come back soon, and holy shit…I actually did it. Ok.…
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If you had told me I wouldn’t write for over two years when I published my last post I would have called you a liar. I love writing. It’s my therapy. It’s cathartic for me, yet here I am – not having written for over two years. This feels good. Effortless.
Lily Ann was born on January 29, 2018 and she is simply delightful. She is the happiest, easiest, sweetest baby ever. AND she happened the first month we tried. Like, my IUD came out and I was pregnant in a month. WHOA. I had the pregnancy from hell (puked til nearly 30 weeks and had shingles.. da fuq?)
I had another C section, this time by choice. After my rough pregnancy, I was so over it. At 14 days post C my incision line busted open and I had developed an awful internal infection. They had to reopen my incision and leave it open for it to heal. Kevin had to clean the wound, irrigate it, and pack it twice a day for 57 days. It was the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced. I had to sleep sitting up for the duration of it ,too. They gave me pain killers for it it was so bad. It was absolute insanity. But she is SO worth it. I’d do it a million times over again for this sweet girl. Lily is 10 months old in 13 days. She’s breastfed and it’s been SO much easier this time. Effortless, really. She’s been pretty effortless, in all reality. She’s that easy. She sleeps well, eats well, plays well, and is 99% smiles and giggles. I
Brooke will be 3 in less than a month now. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met. She is an absolute firecracker. She potty trained at 22 months and never looked back. She is fiercely independent and doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s beyond smart and carries on conversations effortlessly. She negotiates like a professional lawyer.
She’s still terrible at sleeping, but we found out back in April that she had sleep Apnea. She stopped breathing every 20 minutes in the night. They did a sleep study on her and we ended up taking her tonsils and adenoids out in May. The recovery was absolutely horrific, but well worth it. She now usually sleeps through the night. Which is great, because for a bit, she was waking up more than her newborn sister. We are actually seeing an ENT tomorrow because she still constantly clears her throat alllll day and night long and allergy meds don’t do shit for her.
These two pics sum her up perfectly. On the left, wildly independent, dressed herself, taking the world by storm. On the right, infuriated that I made her get on my back and ride since she was being a jerk on our walk. She is pretty much the best thing ever, y’all.
And me? I’m good. I’m tired, but I’m good. I’m loosely on WW with the intent to just not gain until I’m done breastfeeding. I’m down about 35lbs since having Lily. Overall, I’ve gained 60 pounds since my first miscarriage in 2013. I feel every pound of it in my hips and back that ache near constantly. I’ll start taking this off with some passion in my work when Lily turns one (10 weeks) but for now, I’m protecting my breast milk supply.
We built our dream home and moved about 30 minutes North of where we were living. We moved rural and have farms on all sides of our neighborhood. It’s pretty amazing. I’m still working two days a week and the girls go to daycare twice a week. My parents moved up here too and they now live about 10 minutes from us. My mom is retired and we spend a lot of time with her. It’s perfection. I was able to quickly recognize my postpartum anxiety this time and quickly hopped back on Zoloft.
I hope you’re all doing so good. I hope that everyone that was TTC is either rocking a sweet baby or has made peace with the fact that they aren’t. And I hope that every pound I’ve gained has come from one of you lovelies that’s busted your ass to take it off. I will make a comeback soon.
Also, I’m still VERY active on Instagram if you’re interested in keeping up there. ❤ IG: somuchfattitude
Life If you had told me I wouldn't write for over two years when I published my last post I would have called you a liar.
Signs you might be ready to get back to that low carb life. Fried egg over Parmesan spinach. #lowcarbhighfat #lowcarb #breastfeeding #soonenough #yolkporn
Priority level: pie. #brookiemonster2015 #firstthanksgiving
She insisted on a PJ day. She's now saying "e-i-e-i-o", here, mama, dada, ticka ticka (tickle tickle), dog, and a few others. She's walking more than crawling, too. 😭😭😭 #brookiemonster2015 #50weeksold
Yep. That little black furry thing next to her is the cat...that she is sitting on. #brookiemonster2015 #kittysnuggles
Oh sweet girl, it feels like just yesterday we had you. How has it already been almost a year??? #brookiemonster2015 #rainbowbaby #1yearphotos
49 weeks. She was wildly annoyed that I made her stop and take a picture. #brookiemonster2015 #49weeksold
An indicator of my night. And I'm the only one in my house that drinks coffee. #teamnosleep #mommyrunsondunkin #dunkindonuts #bronchitissucks #teethingsucks #leapssuck
EVERY.DAMN.DAY.
Donuts for days #donutbaby #brookiemonster2015 #🍩
I'm dying. 😂😂😂 #birdleaf
She is such a talker. She talks all day and clearly all night. (This is from last night). It'll be interesting when these are actual words. #chatterbox #chattycathy #babybabbles #brookiemonster2015
Y'all. I ate a blueberry. It wasn't even on her tray. I ate it from the carton. Apparently all of the blueberries are hers. #brookiemonster2015 #blueberrymonster #opinionsandshit #somuchsass
All in about 3 seconds. She suddenly has opinions and shit. #brookiemonster2015 #peanutbutterandjealous #misssassy #moodymonster