Me, I am bitches

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@son-justdont
Me, I am bitches
care and tenderness as violating and coercive acts. being forced into vulnerability for your own good by someone who does not actually see you as a person but as a symbol or a figure too valuable to let die. you have power over so much but not your own body. you have lost the right to risk. everybody cheered
via @gyrovagi
finally the algorithm finds me
@headspace-hotel
Worthy of consideration...
lessons with the soldier (young natasha and bucky)
i am an exit is finally complete!
It has been one year since I randomly became obsessed with the character Bucky Barnes and read an absolutely massive amount of fanfiction about him, becoming introduced to fanfiction as an art medium in the process.
After reading so many great fanfictions I had to take a crack at it myself, and i am an exit is what resulted.
Summary
A broken, disillusioned Steve Rogers is afflicted by a delusion that the mysterious assassin who nearly killed him is actually his best friend, who died 70 years ago. SHIELD wants to lock him up and return him to being a perfect, sparkling nationalist symbol as quickly as possible. Sam Wilson, who has wrestled with his own disillusionment and his own ghosts, knows that Steve needs compassion and the support of a true friend, not a forced regime of recovery that takes away what is left of his shattered autonomy. Meanwhile, as Natasha tries to track down the Winter Soldier, her discoveries get more and more disturbing. She uncovers footage of the Soldier being subjected to, and forced to commit, horrific acts to maintain Hydra's cruel hierarchy. What's more, his resemblance to Steve's dead friend is too close to be coincidence. Sam and Natasha grow determined to stop the Soldier from being recaptured by his abusers, but how will Steve react when he learns the true extent of the Soldier's torture, and the true horror of what he was twisted into? Is the Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes? Or is he a thing wearing Bucky Barnes's face? Which of those things is worse?
What it was like to write it
This fic is almost 200k words long. I wrote it in four months. Wow!
I'm convinced that writing this fic was what made all the difference for my final(ish) semester of college. To put it bluntly this was the first semester where I didn't feel like I was dying all the time. It put an end to the longest creative drought of my life and everyone's lovely comments gave me enough joy to carry me through.
I feel like I learned a ton about POV, plotting, and characterization while writing this fic. I'll probably talk about that more in the coming days.
My guiding questions/ideas
I don't really give a fuck about the MCU, but I do give a LOT of fucks about the fanfictional universe that has built around Bucky, and I had several ideas or questions that kept needling at me about this story and what people had done with it.
The whole story of Captain America, where a disabled kid in the 1930's is turned into a physically perfect superhuman, has "eugenics" written all over it. What if I explored that?
It doesn't really make sense that, in the movie Captain America: The Winter Soldier, it seems plausible to everyone that the Winter Soldier is Bucky. I mean, as far as anyone knows he died 70 years ago. What if the other characters assumed Steve was delusional out of grief?
I also really wanted to lean into Bucky/the Winter Soldier as an undead, uncanny-valley monster. A lot of Bucky fics deal with him being dehumanized and treated as a creature or a thing rather than a human, and I wanted to really dig into that, exploring the ways he is a machine and a reanimated corpse and a feral, terrified animal.
I had a craving for more medical horror. Bucky is the perfect character for it but not enough had been written about it thus far that really hit the spot for me.
I read a LOT of fanfictions that portrayed Bucky as a survivor of sexual violence and that compelled me a lot. I wanted to explore this as messily overlapping and entwined with all the other ways his body was invaded and taken away from him (as a lab experiment, living weapon, etc). I also wanted to explore what it would mean if Bucky was forced to commit sexual violence as the Winter Soldier.
What kind of story this is
The most common adjective I get on i am an exit is probably "visceral." I also get "gut-wrenching" a lot.
I do a lot of getting down and dirty with the Horrible Nasty. I went elbow deep digging in the back of my head for the things I don't want to think about.
BUT. I am also really intentional about satisfying softness and healing. The final 1/3 of the fic is the healing/comfort arc and I wrote a lot of self-indulgent fluff. Well, fluff doesn't seem right, because fluff implies something light, and every word is heavy with the horrors, but the healing is real. I was really, really serious about fully and sensitively acknowledging every part of the trauma the characters go through. Think hurt/comfort where both the hurt and the comfort are turned all the way up to the max.
I didn't feel confident writing about any of the canon locations in MCU so I basically sent all my characters to Kentucky.
Due to the person that I am, this fic is full of plants, and the plants are relevant to and intertwined with the plot and characterization. The Appalachian ecology is extremely detailed and realistic and thematically relevant.
Also, Bucky gets a horse.
The MCU doesn't have a lot of female characters, and I got mad about that, so Hawkeye, Thor, and Nick Fury are women in this fic.
I took heavy inspiration from a lot of the common themes and tropes of Bucky fanfiction. The way the narration reflects Bucky's dehumanization is indeed cool, but I can't fully take credit for it because it's a device a lot of fics use.
On content warnings
Each chapter has its own individual content warnings in the beginning notes. There is gore, there is fascism, ableism, and eugenics, there is a lot of medical horror, and there is sexual abuse and rape.
This fic does NOT use the Hydra Trash Party main tag, because the sexual violence is (mostly) "offscreen"/in flashbacks or memories instead of happening in the present in the characters' POV, but the sexual abuse themes are heavy and recurring. I think there are more individual chapters that have a warning for rape, than chapters that don't have that warning.
There is comfort and healing and ultimately a happy ending, but the warnings aren't fucking around.
Conclusion
If this sounds like your kind of thing, you should read it (even if you're completely unfamiliar with the fandom; i am told the fic works great for a fandom-blind reading). See for yourself why the Guy captured my heart and mind so.
むぎゅ
I think (why is everyone letting me think)
Bucky used to love winter. Especially snow, frost in windows, getting cozy near the fire, using the cold as an excuse to cuddle a bit closer to Steve
Steve, who hated winter bc the cold triggered his asthma. His weak immune system always made him catch colds. He frequently got fevers. He was hard to warm up. He couldn't go out. His joints ached extra bad and he was rendered useless most of the time
And now I think
Bucky hates winter. Like, loathes it. Well, for one, it's associated with his alias Winter Soldier, but that ain't the actual reason. Bucky hates winter and cold because whenever he feels that chilling breeze and feels the frost on his flesh fingertips, it reminds him of that flash of intense, painful cold right before the cryo stasis hits him. He prefers not going out when it's snowing or it's below 0°
Steve on the other hand, loves winter now. He can play in the snow without his lungs seizing, he doesn't get colds, has fevers, joint pain or anything. He can finally enjoy it
And
Steve's the one keeping Bucky warm now. Holding him close with no need for excuses, warming him up, making him hot drinks and making Tony install a fire place to the tower and the compound for the sole purpose of the ambiance of it for Bucky. Seeing the fire makes him feel much better than natural gas or heaters or anything else, call him old fashioned
Steve had held Bucky through many panic attacks during winter, minding none of it, warming him up with his furnace of a body. Calling Bucky a cat with the way he loves warmth when he's calmed down a bit to make him chuckle
It took long years but sometimes, when he's feeling good, Steve takes Bucky to take a walk in the snow so they can appreciate it together. Because they couldn't before, didn't get to for several reasons besides Steve's illnesses as well
And if Steve throws a stray snowball at him while Bucky is preoccupied, well, then it's not Bucky is fault if Steve is about to be put into a natural cryo stasis under the snow for the second time in his life
I will NEVER be over the gentle little "shh, you're okay" + a hair stroke from one character to another who's feverishly and fearfully mumbling in their sleep
no matter how bad it gets it cannot possibly be as bad as it was this time last year when i was using all my free time to replace the music in captain america the winter soldier with 2000s pop hits
@headspace-hotel
This is awesome but also
I am well familiar with the kind of mental breakdown that prompts a person to create a certain kind of strange creative outputs.
such a very specific experience and feeling
this is an excellent edit
@headspace-hotel watching this (and Bucky in that mask generally) hits so much harder having been following your fic. You're breaking me I stg
i have had ENOUGH
i have had ENOUGH
since chris evans is ripped and cut again and the rumors of him being in doomsday are in full swing, i imagine he'd be playing a different character since they already have rdj doing that. and if marvel liked us (they don't) we'd get a bucky "steve?" and a chris evans "who the hell is Steve?"
if marvel liked us they'd give us a sam+bucky confession and first kiss scene that's interupted with steve showing back up
Bucky
“i should take a walk for my mental health” boring, tired, i don’t even really wanna do it tbh
“i need to check the perimeter” i need to check the perimeter
“Nice boots, Tinker Bell!”: Steve Rogers as an allegory for the impossibility of performative masculinity.
There’s nothing new about the consideration of male superheroes as icons of masculinity. Superman representing the pinnacle of wholesome, idealised masculine power, or The Hulk as an allegory for the angry, repressed male id. And these types of masculinity are not innate or inevitable. Masculinity, like all gender roles is a socially constructed performance.
But performative masculinity has a tension to it that performative femininity does not, because performing itself is seen as innately unmasculine. You cannot learn to be a real man, you are or you are not. You can’t make one or learn to be one. Because our story about masculinity is that it just is. It is an ur state of being. The most natural way for a human to be.
Steve Rogers came out of a bottle.
And Steve Rogers’s weapon is a shield. Steve does not attack, he defends. Steve Rogers is the only Avenger who does not thrust forward with a phallic weapon. From Loki’s staff to Clint’s arrows, Black Widow (who pairs so well with Steve because she is a phallic woman) has guns, Tony essentially is a giant penis (sorry, friends, that’s all I see), and of course no one would even pretend that Thor’s hammer isn’t Thor’s penis.
But Steve has a shield. And a shield isn’t particularly feminine. It is not a cup or a sheath or a hole. It is just anti-phallic.
And that is Steve. the non-phallic man. Because you can’t make a man in a machine. Only a strange kind of monster.
Keep reading
dammit, hit the wrong button
anyways this is brilliant even though the bit about ironman being a giant penis made me laugh
~ Don't mess with the Soldier ~
A feral WS from my patreon 🖤
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(Ah! I changed my handle from annafacose to @alfafacose)
SEBASTIAN STAN as BUCKY BARNES in CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER (2011)
sambucky sticker sheet made haphazardly in a fit of madness