gewitterwolke

Search me on IG sophia_la_exploradora

[sophias--things]

I always imagine myself as beautiful and good looking. But then I remember what I look like.

[sophias--things]

Ich stelle mir so oft vor wer ich wäre ohne die Depression.

Aber diese Person existiert so nicht. Diese Person hat es nie gegeben.

[sophias--things]

So I am supposed to talk about my feelings with friends.

But I don't wanna talk about my suicidal thoughts all the time.

I wanna talk about normal stuff.

People looked weird at me when I tell them I want to kill myself

[sophias--things]

The way people have talked about me makes me wanna cry.

Like what do you mean people put up bets about what I would be doing with who?

I feel so deeply disgusted.

[sophias--things]

Everyone's life got better when I wasn't in the picture. So maybe I am actually the drama to avoid i guess.

[sophias--things]

I only ever made friends when I was drunk. I was normal when I drank. Then I became an alcoholic.

People only ever build up a relationship to me when we shared a joint.

I got the most compliments when I was deep into my eating disorders.

I knew how to control my emotions through vaping.

I stopped it all. I don't know who I am anymore. I barely have friends.

I don't feel better. I am still a mess. Trying to function with some random medication that is supposed to help with my depression, headaches, sleeping and so on. An all in one. Doesn't do anything.

I still have the urges to drink, smoke and accidentally forgetting to eat. Atleast I was a someone.

Not that i liked the person I was. It became worse over the years.

Drinking alone. Not being able to control myself. People talking.

Yeah, no. I don't know.

[sophias--things]

"Girls are usually better at masking" but I didn't even try?

Its just that nobody cared. I even tried to act on some days, to make it look even worst, but nobody cared.

I really needed help. So desperately needed it.

[sophias--things]

Ich möchte einfach jemand sein. Ernst genommen, für voll, nicht ignoriert, mit Wert.

[sophias--things]

If god has a plan for me, he better tell me now, so I can get over it and walk out of this.

[sophias--things]

I know them all. Everyone of them. I have at least seen them before. Maybe even spoken to them.

But I could not just walk up to them. I am not part of them. I am alone. I am weird with people.

[sophias--things]

Lying that you do not actually want to die, because you don't like not sleeping in your bed. And even though, I think about it daily, I wouldn't actually go through it. Right?

[sophias--things]

Ich glaub, ich bin das falsche Anders.

Komisch halt.

[sophias--things]

Ich dachte immer ich will was für die Nachwelt hinterlassen. Etwas dass die Welt bewegt. Das Bücher über mich und mein hinterlassendes geschrieben werden.

Aber wen würde das denn interessieren? Dauernde Melancholie und Pessimismus. Wut im Bauch.

Diese Arroganz das andere denken würden ob ich was hinterlassen habe. Da würde doch niemand nach schauen.

[sophias--things]

Niemand ist unersetzlich. Ich kann gehen.

[abusedpixie]

𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐝𝐢𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐞𝐝.

[to0needy]

not being able to kill myself is the worst feeling

[sophias--things]

I am the Drama. Not as fun as it sounds