Youâre gonna die. Itâs alright to.
T:âYes, I suppose you are, but we all are, arenât we?
S:âYeah, itâs just...itâs just thatâs a thing to be aware of I guess, it kind of makes sense to act the way you do if youâre going to die.â
T:âDo you think it justifies how you act towards your peers, your friends, your family, the etcetera that persist in your daily life?â
S:âI mean somewhat, it definitely gives you incentive to act certain ways rather than othersâŠâ
T:âIn what capacity, elaborate, please.â
S:âWell, I mean, if I was unaware that one day I would stop...being...so to speak I might be more focused on all the things Iâm told to focus onâŠâ
T:âLike what for instance?â
S:âWell Iâm told a lot to be courteous I guess, to an extreme, one that I donât really get. The other day I stopped talking to a girl who had been texting me non-stopâŠâ
T:âWhy did you that? Were you not enjoying her company or conversation?â
S:âNo I wasnâtâŠ.and thatâs just it, I told her that exactly, then I told her I didnât want to talk anymoreâŠâ
T:âGenerally people donât bring something up unless theyâre hoping to elicit some response from the audience, did telling her this make you feel any particular way?â
S:âKind of relieved I guess, I mean I feel bad I led her on as I did, but at the same time I felt better knowing I wasnât doing that anymore.â
T:â How did she react to such sentiments?â
S: âNot well, obviously, as you might expect, she was very angry. Called me worthless as you might when youâre angry and spiteful, but I was kind of just okay with it. Itâs like a kid when theyâve gotten into trouble but they have some time before their parent finds out. By the end of it, youâve kind of just accepted the repercussions.â
T: âThat seems healthy thus far, but please inform me how you think this relates to your initial statement. How does this pertain to seeing everything while knowing you will die?â
S: âWell I probably wouldnât have done that if I didnât know I was gonna die, I might have just let it go on longer until she grew bored of me or something.â
T: â So the idea of death propels you towards action in a way that not being aware of it wouldnât?â
S: âI guess you could say that, but at the same time, it can function kind of like a point of reference, or maybe like a final answer...I donât know itâs difficult to make what I say sound like anything but nonsense. Iâm sorry.â
T: âIâm not here to badger you on your grammar or tell you your articulations are boorish. Please go on, youâre doing fine.â
S: â...okay, youâre right. So if Iâm going to die, and it could arguably happen at any instant then I ought to pursue whatever I think is worth the effort then and there. Not like some violent or sex-crazed person though, you know, just the things that matter.â
T: âDo those things not matter? Violence? Sex?â
S: âWell...yeah I guess they do, everything is necessary in moderation maybe. I donât know if I could be happy if I werenât ever angry. I donât know if I could enjoy really being alone if I werenât ever with someone intimately. But having that limited scope of time, that very restricted possibility, Iâm going to live in some way that makes the most sense to me.â
T: âThat sounds sensible.â
S: âSo why lie? It doesnât make any sense, maybe you just donât want to deal with the responsibility of what not lieing gives you I guess? Iâve heard all those dumb kidâs stories you always here with loud blaring life lessons, and not lieing was always one of them. But if you just think about the fact that youâre going to die, itâs all the reason you need, just tell people what you need to. If they donât like it theyâll leave...which theyâre going to do anyway eventually, if they do like it, theyâll stick around until one of you has to leave.â
T: âWhat about those who lie to get ahead as such proverbs have a tendency to speculate?â
S: âWell why do you think they lie? Whatâs so great about getting ahead? If Iâm gonna die, my moneyâs not going with me, Iâm going to go to some spiritual place Iâll be barred from for not having practiced worship, or Iâll rot in the ground.â
T: âYes but you could provide for your family.â
S: âThey could provide for themselves too, Iâm not trying to say Iâm a lazy fuck, but they should know how to do that at some point. Because Iâm gonna die Iâd rather die knowing theyâre not stepping into the casket with me, obviously Iâll try my best, but making their lives easier through lieing seems bad on its own.â
T: âHmm, I guess thatâs a fair point, living with a poor but attentive father seems better than a rich deceitful one.â
S: âItâs also easier to just embrace the shit I guess, when youâre gonna die, and if youâre only gonna live once the shit is just something that you were born to deal with I think. Which is why itâs easier to just pursue what I want, if I know shit might come my way doing what I want will be its own justification for dealing with it. Iâm gonna die, so if this isnât death I still have stuff I want to do rather than shit I have to deal with you know?â
T: âSo how do you ensure that this information doesnât leave you cold or detached from others?â
S: âI think itâs really easy to be good to people but that just goes back to being courteous, people think youâre a monster when youâre being honest or sincere. Knowing Iâm going to die makes it easier to recognize other people are gonna die, it seems selfish or egotistical because thatâs the perspective youâre dealing with. When Iâm the one talking, itâs from my perspective, it seems self-centered, but knowing Iâm gonna die makes it easier to be brief and genuine. I didnât talk to that girl anymore because I didnât want to take time from her potentially being happy with what she will eventually want. As much as itâs for me too, I donât think I wouldâve been the happiest I could be with her, I wanted her to be happy as often as she could too, that meant making her unhappy for the time being...or I donât know maybe Iâm just a bad human being. Being okay with sadness seems like a defective qualityâŠâ
T: âNo, this is progress, youâre doing good today I hope you donât feel too exhaustedâŠâ
S: âI feel kind of good I think...still weird, but weird is better than upset or uncomfortable, weird isnât terrible, itâs just a different place to be..thanks doctor.â