TW suicide
hi guys, didn't think I'd post anything on here again but I didn't wanna just dissappear and I thought maybe typing this out might help so I'm gonna have a wee rant
Almost 2 years ago I got my best friend in the entire world into supernatural. He wasn't my best friend to start with, I don't really have a lot of friends never mind a best one but he was my boyfriends best friend and in a very short period of time became my best friend too, bc of spn. He started watching it so we would have something to talk about and because he knew how much it meant to me and with the announcement of S15 being the last season I was blindsided and nostalgic so started speaking a lot about it. He watched seasons 1-14 in a matter of months so when S15 started airing we could watch together and I wouldn't have to go through the end of something that meant so much to me on my own.
Some of the best memories I'll ever have come from going upstairs at 1am in my pjs (he lived on the floor above me) with my laptop so we could hook it up to his TV and watch the episodes live to avoid spoilers. We sat on his couch and we laughed, we screamed, we cried. I'll never forget the experience of watching 15x18, I'm so glad I got to share it with him. A lot of my favourite memories of us exist around spn and sitting on his couch.
Two months ago I found him dead on that couch. Losing your best friend is fucking gutting. Finding him, having to live with being so close but too late is unbearable. I don't know how I'll ever cope with that. I hope I'm stronger than I think.
My sister bought me a Samulet for my 13th birthday. For 10 years I've worn it, almost every day of my life for a decade. In less than a month it'll be buried in a box with my best friends ashes. As I take it off I'll think of Drew, I'll think of what it means to me, to our friendship. I'll think of the couch, I'll think of laughing so hard at the bad storylines until I cried, I'll think of crying so hard until he'd make me laugh. I'll think of us sending each other storyline theories and how they were always wrong but better than the ones the show used. I'll think of friendship and love and how I know first hand that family don't end with blood.
I don't feel sad about it, this feels right. It's the end of this chapter. I hope the next one is good.
I'm writing all this out bc it's the end of the line for me and spn. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch more than a few eps since Nov and now I don't think I ever will. Spn was our thing, even though I watched it for over a decade on my own, in such a sort period of time it became OUR thing. I wouldn't change that for the world and I'm so glad we had it for the time we did, but now the shows over, Dean's gone, Drew's gone and the couch is in a charity shop. It's doesn't feel right. I don't think it ever will. I can't come on here without getting upset or feeling angry and I know that's not healthy. So I'm signing off and I'm saying goodbye to spn. A dumb little show that got me through what I once thought to be the toughest time in my life, a show that I've cherished for over a decade, a show that gave me the best friend I'll ever have, a show that I have to let go now to start healing.
why does this sound like a goodbye? because it is. i love you
