*John Mulaney voice* I’ve been a Kingdom Hearts fan for the whole time. Holy shit, right? I got a trailer from Nomura, he said, “Hey Jade it’s Kingdom Hearts, you remember?” I said, “yes of course”. And then he said, let’s see, how did he phrase it, “GIVE ME SOME TIME AND MONEY” I found this peculiar. Because you see, what had happened, was that every so many years, I had paid him money and spent my time on his games. Every couple of years, for 18 years, I gave him about $30 - $60 and HOURS. So roughly speaking, I gave him 18 years of my life and money for several games. So you might say that I already gave him 18 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS. And now you have the AUDACITY to ask me for more time and money?! What kind of a cokehead relative is Nomura?! You SPENT it already?! I gave you more money than dental care costs and you fuckin spent it already?! “Where’s my time and money?! Where’s the money, you fat motherfucker. Stay down on the ground! Stay down on the ground, you motherfucker!” 18 years and hundreds of dollars. And I have friends who are like, “Aw you should buy the new game, and be a good fan.” And they wear shirts that say “I bottom for Xehanort”. And it’s like, look, if you’re an adult and you’re still playing Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts is a hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. Nomura is not going to do anything else for you. It’s done. In his trailer, Nomura was like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given me your time and money.” And I was like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you made a complete game that made any fucking sense. I thought our transaction was over. I gave you 18 years and hundreds of dollars, and you gave me like a weird fever dream Disney crossover AU fanfic with your OCs, and the first real heartbreak of my life, and we called it a day.” Also, what did I get for my time and money? What IS Kingdom Hearts? I- I- sksdfjlk?????? Stop playing Kingdom Hearts until we figure it out! Because I played all the Kingdom Hearts games and I have no idea what it was. I played the first game, I was a child, I looked like a weeb. I lived like a goddamn ninja turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time. I lived on Mountain Dew, trail mix, and Adderall. Kingdom Hearts was like an 18 year game show called, “Are my friends my true power, or do I just need to go to sleep?” But instead of winning, you lose Kairi’s agency. By the way, I agreed to give Nomura 18 years of my life when I was a CHILD. With no attorney present. That’s illegal. He tricked me! He tricked me like Maleficent making Riku doubt his bonds with Sora. He tricked me like poor Riku. He pulled me out of school, I was in Tripp pants all confused. Two guys in black hooded cloaks were like, “Come on, kid, do the right thing. Press Start, you’ll be a keyblade wielder.” I was like, “oOoOOOoOOkaaaAAaaAAAAaaAy”. Yes you heard me. A keyblade wielder. I paid 18 years of my life and hundreds of dollars to wave a key around. I paid to Nomura to tell me to go understand his plotline, and then I didn’t.
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