✧જ⁀ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒𑁤 none of this was supposed to happen. it was only supposed to be a one time thing. that's why you picked him. the embodiment of no strings attached and non-committal in the form of a 6'3, almost 300lb man whom proximity and access made the most obvious choice. turns out, it was also the worst choice. the wrong choice.
⚾︎ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𑁤 smut. age gap (14 years). infidelity. forbidden romance. minimal angst. unprotected sex. vaginal penetration. dirty talk. daddy kink. age gap (14 years).
✧જ⁀ 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒𑁤 eight thousand (8k)
✧જ⁀ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𑁤 mlbplayer!roman reigns x coachdaughter!plussize!black!reader
✧જ⁀ 𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓𑁤 photos from pinterest and instagram. title graphic by me. dividers by @/anitalenia
✧જ⁀ 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐏𝐎𑁤 ❝alone with you❞ by ashlee
✧જ⁀ 𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄｡⋆⚾︎ young ari was obsessed with derek jeter. thus, that in conjunction with them photos of roman...yeah. here we are.
His big hands roam down the length of your slick back, rough palms and coarse pads of his fingers digging into your skin. Palming the fleshy, meaty part of your ass followed by a slap that makes you hiss against his mouth.
The motion of his lips on yours altered. He's smiling. Your eyes don't need to be open to see what you already know. That smug, arrogant one he gives most, if not all. Including yourself the first time you two met. Thinking back, it should have been a sign.
Many things should have been a sign.
The rumble of his voice calls to you as he presses a kiss to the corner of your swollen lips, continued, heavy panting and moans slipping out every time he thrusts up inside of you. "You miss me, baby?"
Yes.
Ignoring him only serves as a detriment. You gasp when he grips the back of your neck, fingers digging into your skin. Your eyes flutter looking down at him, the motion of you grinding on top of his dick making you moan through pressed lips.
"Daddy asked you a question."
The slap to your ass is all that's needed to get you to give him the satisfaction he's looking for. The reassurance his ego seems to need when it comes to you.
"Yes," you moan. Your hands are planted on his chest, keeping you as steady as you can as you ride him despite the burning in your thighs and budding cramps you've narrowly avoided since a few strokes of his dick after the last round was all he needed to be sprung back to life. He was hot, ready, and pulling you right back on top. It's his favorite position, it seems.
With you, at least.
"Missed you so much," you admit, unprovoked and without much thought but all feeling as he starts to sit up, pulling you flush against him. He kisses you, and once more, you're moaning into his mouth, hands tangled in hair that's been down, wild, and free ever since you accidentally yanked the hair tie out when you were riding his face and on the cusp of your second or third orgasm for the night.
He makes a sound, hands back on your ass with a gentle squeeze. "I asked you to come with me," he reminds, lowly, against your lips. "Next time, I'm not askin'."
To be fair, the first "request" really didn't feel like one anyway, what with him essentially texting you what time to be at the airport. You're not sure you want to know what an actual demand looks like.
Knowing him though, it'll be something that you literally can't turn down. Even if you wanted to.
"Stop being quiet," he groans, returning his hands to your hips, speeding up your movements. "Actin' like you trying not to scream from how good I'm fucking you."
He's not wrong, and you hate that he's not wrong. Hate that you don't have a smartass retort, even if it would be out of character for you, especially when it comes to sex.
Once he gets you in whatever position he wants you in, you more or less become dumb and mute unless it's in reference to how he's rearranging your insides or eating you out until you have to physically push him away.
Insatiable.
The girls on TikTok weren't lying when they said older men are eaters.
Roman is living proof of that.
"We're—we're in a h—hotel, R—oh, fuck," your attempts to counter lust with logic are lost when he slaps your ass once more while lifting you higher, making the descent down on his big ass dick that much deeper and profound, tip of his thick dickhead brushing against that spot inside of you.
"And?" He dismisses. "Hotel, my place, jet, it don't matter, this pussy still grip me the same way every damn time." The last three words are enunciated with a precision that matches the way he fucks up into you, harder and with increased vigor."
"Shit, wait," you pant, hands dropping to his shoulders, squeezing. "Rom—wa—wait—I ca—"
"I don't wanna hear that shit." The dismissiveness continues as does the way he's fucking you, pain perfectly mixed with pleasure. "You said you missed me, right? So shut up and take this dick like you missed it."
You almost cream right then and there, but the ante is upped when he switches positions once more and no longer are you sitting on his lap, dick dug all up in you. You're on your back for the umpteenth time tonight, knees adjacent to your ears, his big hands on the back of your thighs, keeping you still, stuck, and at the mercy of the relentless, unforgiving strokes that have tears streaming down your face and your hands grasping and gripping for anything that can anchor you.
Not that it makes a difference.
"Look at this mess you've made," he taunts, your eyes fluttering so much that it's possible to make out the sight of him above you. But you don't need to see him to already know his gaze is focused and transfixed on the sight of him drilling your shit. He's obsessed with watching how he moves in and out of you, so much so that if the position allowed, he'd make you watch, too. Similar to how he makes you watch when he goes down on you. "Been making this pretty pussy cream on me all night, and you still can't get enough, can you?"
The squelching sound of your pussy being squeezed and stretched by his thick dick is all the answer needed.
"Can't get enough of daddy fucking you like this, huh?" He continues as you're once reminded that his shit talking isn't just reserved for the diamond. That shit carries over to most areas of his life, especially in the bedroom. It's as filthy as it is talented. "Always needing me to get you right and remind you where it's at."
Your whimpers, his groans, and the sploshing sounds are a sensual symphony that serve as background music for the latest round of this man making you come completely undone and lose all sense of self, sound, and mind.
"That's why it's mine. Ain't it, baby?" A loud gasp escapes your swollen, still wet and sticky with your juices, lips when he leans his body over yours. His hair waterfalls around your face as his hand glides between your slick bodies, the coarse pad of his thumb hovering over your clit.
"Shit," you curse, reaching for his wrist, but he ignores the way you wrap your hand around it and continues to push both physically and otherwise.
"This my pussy, Honey?" Your eyes clench shut at the same time your pussy pulses around him. It makes him groan and curse lowly, haughtiness slipping into a place of semi desperation. Like he needs to hear you say it. Hear you confirm it. "Say it's mine, Y/N." Your eyes open and lock onto his, each reflecting the same yet different things. "Tell me you're mine."
Minutes later, you're gushing and squirting all over his cock, your body an autonomous entity that offers an answer your brain cannot allow your mouth admit.
March 8th, 2024
The banquet hall was bathed in an array of familiar, appropriate colors. Tables draped in white tablecloths with a long, rectangular overlay that lined the middle of said tables. Silver centerpieces with flowers, blue Hydrangeas, and the famous two-letter monogram etched on any piece of item that could be monogrammed.
The live band was in the midst of changing sets when you found a chance to break away. Noticed that he'd finally broken away. Making your way through the sea of people, some known, most unknown, was actually the easy part. A small smile, quiet 'hi' that was lost among the chatter of the large group, and you were one step closer to your destination.
Though anxiety started to build when you briefly lost sight of him, hence the way you ignored the discomfort of your christian louboutin heels. You haven't the slightest clue how your mom and sister wear these things all the time. The blisters that must await you upon removal are bound to be something ugly.
However, exiting the ballroom and turning to the left allotted you a brief view of the back of him as he turned the corner. Naturally, you moved in haste to keep up with him, his long legs allowed strides that ate up 2x the distance you could in half the time. Except, anxiety jumped to a completely different level when you opened your mouth to call his name and he turned once more. Not down the hall or even to look back at you but instead inside of a room that immediately made you still and pause when you got close enough to see what it was.
"Crap," you cursed.
The men's restroom.
Of course.
You stood there, confused and wondering just what in the hell you were going to do. Truth be told, the plan that you'd jotted down in the notes app on your phone wasn't doing you much good. Especially and primarily since the initial steps you'd identified last night when you grew tired of twisting and turning with sleep continuously evading you to the point that you redirected your focus to plotting and strategizing.
But for one or more reasons, most of your better options hadn't panned out the way you hoped. Either your dad was dragging you around to network and become better aquatinted with the organization you now worked for, primarily the players you'd be working with one on one more than anything. As was the case for most team content creators. It was appreciated, sure, but none of the players whose hands you shook were the ones you needed.
But the one you needed had spent majority of the night either briefly engaging with folks, by himself, with his manager, Paul, or Swerve, another player and Roman's longtime friend, going all the way back to college where the shortstop and pitcher first met.
Even more, Roman carried with him an air that felt like an invisible barrier. One that you just knew not to cross for fear of getting on his bad side. Roman Reigns has never been known for being the most social, at least, not for things like this. You were surprised that he even attended. These sort of events, even if a celebration for the upcoming season and intended to get everyone hype for said season, weren't his thing.
Towards the beginning of his career, sure. He did all the things. Attended all the events. Shook all the hands. Did everything that he needed to in order to cement where he stands now, as one of the best to ever walk onto the baseball diamond, his HOF induction all but guaranteed. His accolades are endless, and his ranking has been said to be up there with some of the greats like Derek, Jackie, and Babe. You don't disagree with that.
So while he's stopped playing the game outside of the ballpark, hasn't for the past few years, really, you get it.
He's earned the right to do so.
10x All Star. 5x World Series Champ. 2x World Series MVP. Sponsorships on top of sponsorships. Deals on deals. The face of the Yankees, more or less, since he signed on with the team when he was 21, Roman has done almost everything one can do in this field.
Him showing up and doing what he wants when he wants just makes sense to you.
But putting all of that together just made you realize how crazy the whole thing was. Not only was the plan unhinged, but the man you'd picked to help you fulfill such plan had to be the most out-of-reach, are you serious selection one could choose.
And yet, there you were.
Doubt crept in as you shook your head and finally found a semblance of sense. Standing outside the men's restroom waiting for a man you'd never even said two words to, let alone a man like Roman, was actually just one step away from 5150 criteria.
Insanity that you couldn't act on.
However, you decided a few seconds too late to back out of a situation you should have never created in the first damn place. Or rather, you made the mistake of walking forward, opting to get some air, instead of turning back around to return to the ballroom. Because the moment you took a step forward was the same moment he took a step out. Outside the bathroom.
In front of the door.
In front of you.
Your eyes widened, and your mouth dropped ever so slightly, words escaping you. To anyone with two good eyes, Roman Reigns was about as attractive as a man could get. Tall, built, deep, sexy ass voice that could make any woman risk it all, and a confidence—ehh, arrogance—that he could 100% back up. Like most familiar with him, you'd always had a bit of a crush. Admired the older man from afar but never allowed or utilized your father's position as the Yankees Head Coach to secure a meeting. Admiration from afar worked just fine.
But standing in front of him was a completely different experience. He was even bigger in person, finer, features sharper, shoulders wider, beard as sharp and clean as the crisp outfit that was nothing more than a dark brown shirt, black dress pants, and some leather shoes that looked like they cost more than your first year of college.
What a fucking man.
It was noticing the way his warm eyes settled on you with a hint of intrigue and a trace of irritation that shook you from the trance stemmed from standing in front of this fine ass man. One of the finest men you'd ever seen.
"Hi," you squeaked, eyes closing as you shook your head and managed a small smile. "I'm Y/N. I, uhh, I'm the team's new content—"
"Coach K's daughter, right?"
You should have known you were fucked when his referring to you as the relative of someone instead of acknowledging your position barely registered, a typical pet peeve, was something you didn't even address because you were too distracted by his sexy ass voice. Once more, like everything else with him, even better in person.
"The youngest," he clarified, and it snapped you from the trance that you'd somehow fallen in yet again. It was effective, however.
"Yeah," you confirmed what should have been obvious. Your two older sisters are also professional athletes, and you know for a fact he's crossed paths with both of them a few times over the years, and while you all inherited your mother's beauty, body wise, you couldn't have been more different. You being….the other daughter should have been something that didn't need to be stated. "It's—it's nice to meet you."
You offered your hand but immediately felt like the dumbest person in the world when he simply looked down at the gesture that seemed more like an insult than anything. He didn't move an inch, hence the way you all but awkwardly brought your hand back to your side, fingers messing with the soft material of your cocktail dress.
"I—"
"Look, I'm not up for filming any content tonight—"
"That's not what I'm here for," you interrupted, and it took even you by surprise. You didn't really consider yourself a passive person, but in a situation like that, standing in front of a man like that for the reasons you were, it felt uncharacteristic. Especially after his cold, rude refusal to accept what was objectively considered a normal gesture between people.
Once more, another sign you should have heeded to.
"Okay," he started, and you internally cringed. He no longer looked intrigued or even irritated. He was nothing more than a blank, uninterested canvas that made you feel even more unnerved than you already were. "So what do you—"
"I—I just broke up with my boyfriend. Well, just as in yesterday."
If his unchanged, indifferent expression wasn't an indicator of how uncaring he was, his monotone intonation certainly is. "Sorry to hear that."
He didn't sound sorry at all.
And you couldn't entirely blame him.
A part of you wished that you could borrow some of that indifference, cause Lord knew you were tired of crying and being hurt over the disclosure your longtime boyfriend shared with you the day prior.
Erik, the boy you'd been in love with since you were 15, who you'd been faithful to since officially becoming boyfriend and girlfriend during your freshman and his sophomore year of high school, who was your first in almost every most important way, had cheated on you. Disclosed that he'd hooked up with some girl he met at a club.
Well, you considered it a hook up. He, however, didn't.
"She just…she just gave me some head, Y/N. That's it."
You so badly wanted that to be the case. It would have dulled the sting of unexpected betrayal. You knew that long distance would be a challenge. Knew it the moment he signed his deal with the Dodgers, but you'd accounted for complications regarding aligning schedules, maintaining communication, and keeping the love thriving and strong.
Not infidelity.
And it fucking hurt.
Because Erik was the first and only boy you'd dated, it also meant that that was your first heartbreak.
A part of you struggled with feeling like you were overreacting, but another louder part of you knew that you weren't. The idea of cheating on Erik never ever crossed your mind. You loved and cared too much about and for him to hurt him like that.
Too bad he didn't feel the same.
So the apathy displayed by the man in front of you evoked a sort of jealousy within. If only it evoked the ability to shut up and silence the unsolicited backstory.
If only it stopped you from digging the hole deeper.
"Yeah, he—he cheated on me, and—and we'd been together since high school. Middle school, really—"
"Don't take this the wrong way, mama." And just like that, recounting the last decade or so of your life was insignificant in the face of Roman Reigns calling you mama. A shock that deepened as he continued to throw unexpected curveballs. His gaze slowly roamed over your figure, and you prayed he couldn't tell how your thighs instantly clamped together the moment he paused at your chest. "But even with how pretty you are, I'm about five seconds from walking away because I have no ide—"
"I want you to sleep with me." It came out in a desperate rush, like you knew if you didn't say it right then and there, you never would. Looking back, that probably would have been for the best. "I mean—" You closed your eyes. "I want—I want to sleep with you. Like—like sex."
And as you forced your eyes open, you witnessed, for the first time since you cornered this man outside the goddamn bathroom, an expression that wasn't one of irritation and indifference.
He smiled.
He fucking smiled.
Amusement imbued in his smooth, baritone voice. "You want to what?"
You took a deep breath, doing your best to remember the brief lines of fragmented dialogue you'd penned down in your notes.
A deep swallow preceded warmth blooming throughout your chest and up the tips of your ears. "I know—I know your reputation when it…when it comes to women."
His lips curved into a smug smirk, interest piqued once more. "And just what is that?"
You took a pause. So far, Roman was confirming everything that you'd heard about him regarding his alleged big appetite for women.
And sex.
"That you don't do relationships," you answered. "You just…you just do women." It was a horrible way to frame promiscuity, but an accurate assessment, it seemed, when he didn't correct you. "And that—that's what I want. I—I—" You started to struggle, the intense way he was focused on you, how he kept bouncing his eyes from your mouth to your chest, to your stomach, distracting as fuck. He was throwing you all off a game you barely knew the rules of. "I just—I've never—I've never had a one night stand, but—but everyone says that the best way to get over someone is—"
"To get under someone else?" He finished for you, and it was impossible to ignore the way his eyes dipped to your chest once more. Maybe your sister was right. The red dress was definitely the right call. "I don't know too much about under." The shift in his tone, lighter and less stoic than before, snagged your attention. But it was the way his lips slid into a small, smug grin—and what he said next—that had your throat suddenly dry, parched, and dehydrated. The exact opposite of what you were starting to feel between your legs. "Titties jumping while you bounce on it has always been a personal fave of mine."
Oh my God.
But the torture was only just beginning.
"Coach's pretty little daughter wants me to blow her back out to help her get over her cheating ex—" He said more to himself, hands stuffed in his pockets as he nodded slowly before meeting your eyes again. "You know that's a disaster waiting to happen, right?"
For a reminder of why said proposal was a terrible idea, he didn't sound opposed at all. Far from it.
"It'll only be one time," you bargained. As if that whole crazy idea of yours was nothing more than a sales pitch, and maybe….maybe it was. "And—and I'll leave as soon as we're done—"
He shook his head and roamed his gaze over your body for the umpteenth time and licked his lips. You could have came right there on the spot. "You come to my room, you're not leaving till morning, sweetheart."
Oh.
You started to point out why, while that might have been a dream come true for most women, for you, that probably wasn't going to be the case. But then you realized that telling him might make him reconsider, if he was even seriously considering at all. Though the fact that he hadn't walked away as well as the way he looked like he was already counting all the different ways he wanted to bend you over had you thinking he was most definitely considering.
If he hadn't already decided on an answer.
Hence you deciding to just keep your mouth shut.
You'd just….you'd tell him when you got there. Ask…ask him to….to go slow.
Be….gentle.
If he even knows what that means.
"I won't tell anyone," you continued to offer up as many incentives as you could conjure. The desire coming from a place unknown but something that had your stomach in all sorts of knots. "I mean….obviously. I—I wouldn't want to lose my job."
"I wouldn't let that happen."
His response came swift and sharp. A detour from the brief stretch of lighthearted flirting that you two had fallen into. The gleam in his eyes matched the serious tone of his voice as he crossed his arms.
You forced yourself to not pay attention to how the stretched material around his big ass arms seemed like it was seconds away from ripping. God, he's huge. "I mean, I—I appreciate that, but I don't think—" You took a deep breath. "You're the team's star player, and yeah, my dad is the coach, but I haven't even been here—"
"Y/N," he interrupted. "I'm Roman Reigns, sweetheart." A beat. "If I say you stay, then you stay."
Oh.
There was a commanding undertone to his voice that had you struggling with thoughts that were far too inappropriate for the setting you were in but every bit what you were starting to think was going to be a reality sooner rather than later.
"Y/N."
You flinched, realizing only then that he'd stepped closer. So close that you could now make out the light freckles speckled across his T-Zone and the few strings of gray in his dark hair that you thought were mostly limited to his beard.
He tilted his head to the side and smirked once more as you tried to ignore not only how close he was but how good he smelled. God, what was wrong with you? You hadn't even been this flustered with Erik before you disclosed your crush and you two became a couple.
"You always this jumpy and chatty?" He asked, that humor returned and reflected in his eyes. Another realization made as the fluorescent lighting of the hall highlighted subtle specks of gold in honey brown. "That's alright. I like to hear you tell me how good it feels when I'm in it."
At that, your eyes widened once more. You'd heard he was….straightforward, but this felt like something entirely different. It made you feel different in a way that was uncomfortable, especially with the way the throbbing between your thighs seemed to only intensify with each passing second.
"Go find your dad." His unexpected change in tone and subjects, thankfully, drew your focus and created a successful interruption to your body's autonomous, growing need for him. For…more. "Tell him you're not feeling and that you're leaving."
You frowned, the confusion deepened. "W—what?"
A small gasp escaped your lips when he leaned over and his arm slid around your body. Your hand naturally planted on his firm chest as his traveled down your back and slid over the curve of your ass.
"You want me to fuck you, don't you?" He whispered in your ear, and it took everything in you to not moan when he ghosted his lips over the side of your face. Especially when you turned your head and unintentionally made it so your faces—lips—were mere centimeters away from one another. Those same soft looking lips lifted up once more in a small smile. "So let's fuck."
Current
The silence that follows the final round is one that both suffocates and relieves. It breeds a sort of metaphorical asphyxiation that allots you the drive needed to pull yourself out of the destroyed bed. Sheets ruined, pillows flattened, and a headboard that no doubt left a dent in the wall behind it.
The room tells the story you never could.
All the while you work to gather your items, ignoring the throbbing between your thighs and making a mental note to pop an ibuprofen as soon as you get back to your room. Even after all this time, taking him in all the ways you have, it seems like your body can never seem to adjust for more than a few hours. Your pussy always sore the next day, as if toying and torturing you with a reminder you have to use pills to swallow away and silence.
Truth that can't be denied no matter how much you want to.
"Lemme guess." You stand up, ruined dress in hand, the already thin straps that were fighting for dear life holding up your big breasts nothing but hanging, tattered remains. You'll have to steal one of his shirts or something because what once was one of your favorite dresses is no more than a makeshift skirt at this point. It only makes sense. Most things that Roman Reigns touches outside of that diamond end up nothing more than a contribution to the destruction that follows him wherever he goes.
Including you.
He waits until you turn to face him. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, boxers tugged on—when did he do that?—looking more deity than man. Your eyes travel the length of his broad shoulders, and if you looked close enough, you'd see the small indents of your nails that dug into his taut skin as he pounded you out.
"You're not staying."
You swallow, reaching to tuck a tendril behind your hair. One of many reasons you'd shifted more towards embracing your natural kink and curls? The exhaustion and frustration at having a $200, three hour visit at the salon ruined by one night of no self-control or restrain. It wasn't worth it. From a monetary nor temporal standpoint.
"You know I can't."
While you work the dress-turned-skirt over your thick, chubby legs, utilizing said dressing as an excuse to break eye contact, his eyes remain fixed on you. "Can't or won't?"
Fuck.
"How long you gon' pretend to love that boy?"
Having turned around to head over to the bathroom and attempt to do whatever you can with your appearance, nothing stops you in your tracks faster than a question that hits you harder than any hardball he could ever throw.
You turn around, ignoring the way your chest thumps when he stands up.
"I do."
It kills you how you're fully aware of the fact that your answer is nothing more than a poor attempt at convincing yourself more than it is an honest, truthful answer. Disgusts you in many ways, and you pray it's subterfuge known only to you.
But if Roman Reigns is nothing else, he's astute as fuck.
"Bullshit," he curses. "But let's say you do. Let's say you do love him. You love him but love my dick—"
"Don't talk about him like that," you attempt to defend, but like most things when it comes to the man who's slowly making his way towards you, it crashes spectacularly. You're not sure if it's the age difference, the power dynamic, your naturally docile personality, his inherently dominant one, or a mixture of all of it thrown together in a pile of mess, but regardless of the cause, Roman has always had a way of making you question things.
Even yourself.
Your eyes shut as his arm swings around your body, pulling you flush against him. Soft melting with hard. "I don't like liars, sweetheart." He murmurs, trailing his finger down your cheek. "Even if they are as pretty as you."
It takes everything in you to keep your eyes closed when he dips his head to your neck and inhales deeply. Your breath caught and voice whispered. "What—I don't know what you want from me."
Some days, you do. Others, you don't. Right about now, you're not even sure what you want for yourself.
And he knows it.
"I think you know the answer to that, love."
The room grows silent once more.
He's not wrong.
But he's not right, either.
When Katy Perry released Hot n' Cold back in the day, and you used to sneak and use your sisters' iPod touches to listen to said song that was deemed inappropriate because of the sole curse word, you had no idea it would end up being the perfect song to describe Roman Reigns.
He burns hot just as easily he runs cold. That charming, alluring smile can, in a matter of seconds, morph into a deep scowl or sneer right before he shuts down entirely, and his face reads just what he gives.
Nothing.
And the many faces and sides of Roman are what you lean on and choose to focus on rather than the alternative that leads to the road of recognition and acknowledgment.
You shake your head, heat starting to bloom up the back of your neck. The room suddenly much warmer than you remember, even in the midst of your sexual tryst that started the moment he pulled you into his room and had you up against the wall, mouth slammed onto yours, fingers already working to rid you of your clothes.
"I—I have—" Stammering accompanies you turning around to locate the rest of your items. "I have to g—"
Your eyes immediately shut in preparation for what you know you cannot avoid nor evade.
He breathes your name as you breathe in deeply, the scent of him. His cologne still lingering on his skin despite the exertion over the past few hours. A scent that instantly reminds you of the shirts and hoodie stored in the back of your closet. His. The ones that carry that same scent, hence why one of said shirts have been your sleep attire a few times over the past few months.
If not more than a few.
Your lips gradually part as he drops his hands to your hips and pulls you into him. "Stay with me, Honey."
If it wasn't the tone of his deep voice—beseeching and sincere—it's the usage of what was once a NSFW nickname, now so much more. Sometimes you wish the first utterance and first explanation that made you blush when you heard it was what came to mind. It'd be immensely preferred over the butterflies that flutter in your stomach now whenever he calls you that.
The butterflies that have your resolve already starting to crumble.
"Roman…"
"Don't leave," he continues. A slow, shaky breath seeping past your lips when he drops his head to your neck. His beard tickling your clavicle and top of his head brushing against your chin as your breathing grows heavy when he starts planting soft kisses across your shoulder and chest. Lifting your shaking hands, the thought and intention is to lightly push him away, but it's when his own hand lifts to palm and gently squeeze your breast that you falter.
Hesitation immediately noticed and taken advantage of, especially and primarily when your hand somehow lifts to the back of his head, his dark tresses spilling over and through your fingers. But it's when he drags his mouth back up to yours to kiss you, and the taste of you, still damp on his lips and beard, further depletes your resolve and causes you to slip into the danger zone.
You moan.
Moan into his mouth, and it's in that very moment, you already know how this is going to play out. Roman hikes you up onto his waist and carries you back over to the bed where he lays you down, never once interrupting the way your lips can't seem to get enough of one another. Disruption stemming from your end when you gasp into his mouth after he starts playing with your titties.
"Stay with me. Please." The same sentiment and request continuously expressed as he once against starts to pepper your body with kisses, working his way downward until he's tugging that dress right back off. Opening your eyes, you turn your head just in time to see how it's hastily tossed to the side. But it's Roman's hands shifting to the back of your legs and pushing them up once more that redirects your focus. Except the last thing you see is the glazed, hungry gleam in his eyes before all that's left is the top of his head as he finds his pleasure once more in between your thighs.
You curse lowly, head thrown back while he sucks your tender, throbbing clit. His thick fingers keeping your pussy lips spread as he explores the length of you. Precise, controlled, pleasurable laps, licks, and sucking of your most sensitive areas making you writhe on the bed for the umpteenth time tonight.
You sit up just enough to reach for his head as he ensures your placement remains exactly where it is. Exactly where he wants you. But desire and blind pleasure are often times unintentionally contagious, because one minute your intention is to steer him as he eats you eagerly, and the next, you're pulling. Manage to tug enough on his hair to pry his mouth from your pussy. Your wet, sticky juices smeared all over the bottom half of his face. It transfers onto your own when you smash your lips back onto his, naturally laying back on the bed. Hands pushing down on his boxers, an act he gladly assists you with. The last of his clothing joins the last of yours as you feel him against your stomach. Heavy, warm, hard, and throbbing. The pulsing sensation evoking another round of moans, heightening your need and lowering your logic.
It's all Id at this point, and nothing more.
You realize as such when he reaches his arm across, near the nightstand where the almost empty box of condoms sits in wait. The fact that it's the same box from the first night you two slept together, and that it still has condoms despite the X number of times he's been inside of you is something you intentionally choose to ignore.
Not like it makes a difference now anyway.
You cup his face and shake your head, meeting his prurient gaze that you'd bet your life matches that of your own.
Your voice whispered and pained, "I just wanna feel you."
But it's the way he looks at you, not with lust, not with the carnal hunger that's appeared in his warm eyes most times when you forgo protection, allow him to fuck you raw, it's something else. Something unnerving and far too intimate for whatever…..this is supposed to be. Especially when instead of making your body nothing short of a ragdoll as he fucks you hard and without mercy, making you cry from how good it feels. His movements are slow and deep, his hips moving in tandem with yours. His hands pinning yours above your head as you makeout with one another, tongues entangled in that familiar dance. His mouth trailing down the length of your neck, eventually freeing your wrists as your hands rake up and down his back, pulling him close and near.
His head buried in the crook of your neck, holding you just as closely as you're holding him. One hand hooked on the back of your thigh, the other gently holding onto your hip. The filthy, haughty sex talk replaced with his deep panting and other words and phrases of affirmation that he feeds into your ear.
Ones that make your eyes shut and that feeling that only seems to grow stronger the longer this goes on extrapolate and reach another level. And even when it's all over, when he makes you come for the 5th or 6th time tonight, your pussy tender, swollen, with his cum still leaking out from when he finished inside of you, that feeling remains. Feels rooted and locked in like the way he's got his big arm swung over you, keeping you against him, his soft snores in your ear as you stare at the wall in the dark, quiet room.
A part of you wants to try to leave. Knows that you should. But even if Roman wasn't such a light sleeper and would no doubt object at you leaving out in the middle of the night by yourself, you're not entirely sure if that would be the reason you'd stay.
Not because of his interference but your lack of wanting.
Of wanting to leave.
Sure, maybe some part of you does, but the larger, louder part wants you to stay exactly where you are.
With him.
And that terrifies you.
This has all gotten so out of hand. Every time you try to say that this time is the last time, you end up being made out to be a bigger liar than you were before the meritless oath was made. It's so out of character. All of it. This isn't who you are. You're not a cheater. Yes, Erik's cheating is, in a way, what started all of this, but the moment you decided to give him another chance was also the moment you should have kept your one night stand with Roman just that.
One night only.
Because now it's turned into countless nights. Even more, sexual trysts in the sheets have become, in the strangest of ways, the least of the things that connect you to the man beside you. Perhaps it'd be easier to walk away if it was just the sex. If Roman was still that older, whorish man who had a single purpose. This man so far removed from what you go for—from Erik—that it seemed almost inconceivable you'd even had the gall to initially approach him.
But you did, and that one decision has almost entirely changed the trajectory of your life.
Because Roman Reigns is no longer this….entity. He's a person. He's just Roman, and Roman, despite his public image, is a quiet, almost introverted man who has a low tolerance for most and a no bullshit policy for all. He's as charismatic as he can be an asshole. But peel back the layers of an arrogant playboy, and you'll see that there's more to him than meets the eye.
So much more.
Most of which—if not all—you've seen and learned firsthand over the past few months.
Loyal. Caring. Considerate. Generous. Selfless. Roman, the man, is someone who does any and everything he can for his family. Everything he does is for them, and he'd said as such one night during the many pillow talks you two engaged in. Growing up in such a large family and losing his father when he was only thirteen in a robbery gone wrong created a sort of pressure for and on him. Some from within. Some external.
With his father's murder and him being the only male in the house, he was forced into a role no young boy should have to take on.
He was the man of the house and carried that burden with him all the way into adulthood. He's a provider. Did odd jobs around the neighborhood to earn some extra cash that he gave to his mom until he was old enough to get a "real" job that he held for all four years of high school, even while still being on the baseball team. Decided to leave college just one year short of graduating as almost any and everyone around him at that time kept reiterating how he was a "sure pick" for the draft. That there was no question he'd get drafted. He was too damn good not to. Racked up a number of accolades that'd drawn the attention of the MLB before he even finished his freshman year.
They were right.
He ended up being the number one pick in the draft, and while most of the world believes he chose to not finish school because he just wanted to kickstart his career, education be damned, you know that couldn't be father from the truth.
Not finishing college, is, as he'd shared with you that night as you sat next to him on the porch of his mom's home, is one of his biggest regrets. It was part of the reason he was so career driven and focused, only cared about being the best and succeeding, even if it cost him personally. Because he carried the weight of needing to support and take care of his family.
Just as his father would have.
You wonder if he knows how proud his dad would be of him. Wonder if he'd believe it. Believe you.
As confident he is in most areas of his life, peeling back the layers has also revealed certain vulnerabilities you'd have never guessed the man next to you struggles with. Again, humanization of the man behind the brand.
The same man you've seen in such a different light over the months, and perhaps it's that man that's kept you where you are. Like a boomerang that only knows how to return because anything else just isn't an option. Goes against the nature and order of things.
And as you turn over in bed and study his sleep face, reach to trace the outline of his features, glimpses flash through your head like a slideshow in a presentation intended to educate.
To defend and prove a point.
The curve of his smile, and not the one he flashes for photos and even when he has to turn on the charm, but the one you noticed he uses when talking with Swerve, with you, and especially and predominately, when he's with his family. The laugh that's somehow both quiet and a cackle that's almost always accompanied by him placing his hand over his chest or stomach. The hilarious reaction driven facial expressions that emote more than anything the public has seen, especially, again, when he's with his family.
And then you hear it.
As if standing in the yard again.
The sound of his nieces and nephews laughing, yelling, and shouting out all sorts of commands as Roman runs around with them. His niece on his back, his nephew with a mitt in one hand and ball in another. You see the way takes his time, explaining and instructing, offering both guidance and support. The way he holds his niece who lays her head on his shoulder and whispers in his ear things that make him smile and wink as he tickles her stomach.
The way he held his latest niece. Not even six months, little legs kicking and loud babbles coming from her mouth as if she was communicating with him.
The way he look—
You stop and close your eyes. Shift so that you're laying on your back.
Too much.
Too close.
A shaky, uneven exhale escapes your mouth when you manage to open your eyes, met with a blurred view of the ceiling. Tears managing to roll down your cheeks as you swallow the lump in your throat.
This has to stop.
You can't keep doing this.
To Erik.
To Roman.
To yourself.
To—
Again, a forced stop. Your mind protecting you from what you still haven't allowed yourself to fully process.
It's all too much.
Erik. Erik. Erik is the one.
The one who gave you your first kiss.
He gave you your first orgasm.
The only who's always made you laugh.
He makes you smile.
The one who you always wanted to be around.
He's the one who you can't not be around.
The one who checks all the boxes.
He's created and checked boxes you didn't know were boxes.
The one who's always just wanted to make you happy.
He does make you happy.
The one you love.
He's the one you're in—
And once again, you manage to silence that voice in the back of your head. Strip from her that voice that's far too loud and far too jarring.
Roman…Roman was a chapter, but he was never meant to be the final chapter.
Erik holds that spot. The safe one.
Roman is far from safe. The epitome of risk and unstable. There's no foundation with him. Nothing that's solid and foolproof, anyway.
Erik is.
The book started with him, and it has to end with him.
If only you could stop the way your heart hurts and mind wanders, the desire to turn the page and see if there's a secret epilogue. Or a sequel that follows.
A different sort of ending.
If only.
a/n: idk. this one is....interesting to me. can't put my finger on why exactly, but whatevs. lmk if you'd be interested in seeing more of them. my brain created a whole ass layered lore for them smh some of which which hinted in here, so it shouldn't be terribly difficult to put two and two together.
𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒𑁤 most, if not all, things about your relationships easily fall under the category of unorthodox. a unique love story, to say the least. and the ending....well, that remains to be seen.
𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒𑁤 angst. thorough themes, references, and discussions pertaining to mental health topics and pregnancy. brief reference to domestic violence.
𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒𑁤 five thousand, eight hundred, and some change (5k+)
𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𑁤 roman reigns x plussize!black!reader
𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓𑁤 photos from pinterest and instagram. title graphic by me. dividers by @/cafekitsune
𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐏𝐎𑁤 ❝how will i know❞ by sam smith
𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𑁤 this was originally a 2k outtake that didn't fit the timeline for the first part. thus, it was scrapped. decided to post it, but i needed to "finish" it off, and it somehow ended up almost 6k....hate it here.
For the first time since you two boarded his private jet, Roman flits his gaze from the ceiling over to you. His eye contact has been everywhere and elsewhere for the past almost hour, but this time, he’s not looking at the obsidian bottle you're holding. Fingers spread and splayed over the cream wrapping. What it is, you haven’t a clue. You’d just asked for something “good,” and the nice flight attendant with a pointed nose and freckles spackled over her T-zone honored your request.
The shit is very good.
Or maybe you’re just that bored.
You can fully understand why Roman asked you almost three times if you were sure you wanted to attend this PLE with him. International travel wasn't unfamiliar. You’d traveled overseas—Jamaica—the summer before your senior year of high school, and while it wasn’t a super long flight, it was the longest one you’d been on. Not the easiest, but not the worst, either. Stupidly, you’d put two completely different examples juxtaposed and were now paying the price.
Not even an hour in, and you’re already over it.
Doesn’t help that it was such a short turnaround time, either. Granted, the initial plan was to stay an additional day or two. Do some exploring. Despite politics you find egregious, sexist, and misogynistic, Saudi Arabia, geographically speaking, is a beautiful ass country.
It’s also a country Roman was eager to get the fuck out of following the disaster that was Crown Jewel.
Hence the sour ass mood he’s been in since he walked into gorilla, his cousin, Jimmy, flanked on his side attempting to butter him up with toxic positivity that only earned him a glare and silence that extended all the way to their ride back to the hotel.
Even now.
A part of you wishes that you knew what to say to help him feel better, but on top of still not being completely clear on the full backstory of how his family ended up so fractured and divided, you’re just….not good with that shit anyway.
Blind leading the blind.
The almost squeaking sound from across drags your eyes from your lap to the man now leaning over and reaching for the bottle. You chuckle and oblige, handing it to him, studying the way he reclines, head tilted back, liquid swimming down his throat. The slight scowl from the aftertaste and brief shake of his head followed by him falling back into that funk.
It’s gotta be the therapy you’ve been surprisingly consistent with the past month paying off that gives you a ridiculous, sudden boost of confidence. A fleeting desire to at least try to lift his spirits.
“There’s always next time.”
He waits until he’s downed his second swish, glare set on you, the same tone he’d used with his cousin. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“I think we both know there’s nothing that could make you feel better right about now.” You roll your eyes, pulling your legs up to your chest. The sleeve of your shirt—his shirt—hanging off your shoulders, exposing your hot pink bra strap. “You lost that chance when you took that pin.”
Regret immediately fills you at your unfiltered, unintended shot at a man who was already down. Has, in many ways, been down since the night you both met and married him. Some of that down, no doubt, a result of your own actions.
Though the same could be said for the other way around.
He snorts, placing the bottle down on the tray beside the cream, leather seat. “Surprised you got the terminology right.”
Him not snapping and slinging that mud right back at you is…surprising but appreciated. Maybe those therapy sessions as part of your overall treatment have been helpful for him, too. Or maybe not because if that were the case, his other cousin, Jey, wouldn’t still hold such a level of animosity towards him. So much so that it ultimately played a large role in the disaster that was this match.
But also….if anyone knows that some bridges are burned beyond the point of repair, it’s you.
You know it all too well.
It’s what shifts the tide. Makes something turn in your stomach as you mush your lips, doing your best to string words together in a way that’s helpful vs harmful.
Lord knows you’d played your role of villain far too well over the past few months.
“You’ll figure all this out.” Roman once again looks over at you. That same guarded, irritated expression unchanging. “The fact that he agreed to even team with you and Jimmy has to mean something, right? He could have just told you to fuck off.”
Roman's reply is almost instantaneous. “He did.”
Despite the indirect rejection of what’s probably a poor attempt at comforting, it doesn’t deter you. Confuses you initially, sure. But then you realize he’s referring to Jey’s conduct throughout the match. The lack of cooperation. “Maybe.” You shift in your seat, shrugging your shoulders. “But he still showed up. Still tried. In his own way….and so did you.”
That’s when you see it. The subtle softening of his harsh, sharp features. The flick of his tongue to the corner of his mouth. It encourages you in a way that you can’t quite explain. “Trust me. If anyone knows about this whole fucking everything up and then trying to fix it shit, it’s me.”
Another quick reply, this one with a less austere tone. “Line starts behind me.”
And for the first time in a while, you smile. Not forced for the camera, a post or video to upload, perpetuating and maintaining a fraud that felt like it’d become your norm. A genuine, fucking smile.
“Well, make room for me next to you or something.”
And for the first time all night, he smiles.
You bite down on your bottom lip, lowering your legs to the ground. Eye contact locked as you close the distance between the two of you, assisted by the way he reaches and tugs you onto his lap. Your arms wrap around his neck as his do around your waist, big hands dropping to palm your ass through your thick, gray sweats.
“It’ll all work out,” you repeat, voice softer. “It sucks right now, but….” The swipe of his tongue over that soft, thick bottom lip is all the encouragement that you need with the thought that crossed your mind the minute he pulled you close to him. “Then again….”
Th lines around his eyes make an appearance, deepening and creasing as you climb off his lap. Dragging your palms down his chest, you drop to your knees. A flash of something in his iris when your fingers toy with and snap the band of his own sweats before smoothing over his thighs, gentle force making them part just enough for you to shuffle between them. “Not everything that sucks is bad.”
May, 2026
Your lips pressed together as you hum quietly to Mari's latest single clashes with the dark flooring as you make your way into the kitchen. But it's a sound that ceases when you’re met with the surprising sight of your husband’s broad back as he stands near the island.
“Hey, babe.” You kiss him on the cheek, sauntering past and depositing your Gucci bag onto the counter. “I thought you’d still be at the gym.” Because Lord knows this man’s gym sessions are already long as hell, but ever since he won the WHC, they’ve been even more ridiculous. Twice, sometimes up to three times a day. His morning and evening ones are typically done at home, but the afternoon one he gets in at Paragon. The elite, private gym he’s a member of that has a ridiculous monthly membership fee and perks that seem like something out of a movie.
It still blows your mind sometimes just how wealthy he is. You weren’t exactly living in poverty before meeting him, having been one of the luckier ones who makes a decent amount of money off your various platforms. But your manic episodes often included reckless spending, so much so that it’d greatly depleted what was, at one time, a hefty savings account. You’ve built it back up, and then some, since being with Roman. But if not for him….
You shake your head, willing the thoughts away.
It’s best you not go there.
“Finished a lil’ early.”
In the midst of opening up the refrigerator to pull out the cranberry juice, it’s his tone that immediately ceases your actions.
Something…something is off.
Bumping the door closed with your hip, bottle in hand, you turn your attention back towards him only to instantly still, ajar mouth frozen in place.
He’s still standing near the island, black, sleeveless Nike fitted shirt clinging to his chest, and while your eyes start to travel the length of his sculpted arms, something else takes precedent.
The bag.
And not even the large TJ Maxx bag on the counter in as much as it is the contents that you immediately make out via the brief, exposed portion of a striped, pink and white onesie sleeve.
Fuck
But if there’s one thing you’ve always been good at, it’s saving face.
Your hand tightens around the bottle, condensation dripping and melting between your fingers. “Oh.” You clear your throat, opening the closest cabinet to pull out a glass. “That.” You shake your head, back towards him while you fill the cup to the halfway mark. “Yeah, I was clearly in an episode. Hence why it was in the donation pile.”
“Y/N—”
“What? You going through my stuff now?” The teasing tone of your voice is intentional, a smirk on your face as you turn around and take a sip. Licking the rim with a wink. “Making sure I’m not getting rid of any of your memorabilia, old man?”
One look at his unchanged expression, however, tells you everything you need to know. You can’t charm your way out of this one.
A heavy sigh precedes the way you shake your head and place the cup back down on the counter. “Come on, Rome. It’s not a big deal.” Walking over, something tightens in your chest when you reach for the bag, hand hovering over the exposed item. It takes a second for you to push through it. Your eyes lift to his as you shove the onesie back with the rest of the pieces. “Seriously. It’s—”
“Y/N.” His deep voice cuts through your poor attempts at damage control once more. His eyes focused on you, peeling back every protective layer you’d attempted to frantically and desperately create. “This wasn’t just from one episode.” He gestures with a head nod, reaching to open what you wish nothing more to shove and throw away. God, something told you to load up your car before you left for your nail appointment. His hand messes around with the countless number of brand new, tag still on em’ baby clothes before he looks at you. “You’ve been buying this stuff, haven’t you?”
Lying has never done you any good, and you’ve worked so hard to be honest with him. But you also are in no mood to have this conversation.
“It’s not—“
The hand not gripping a 3 to 6 month white shirt with a rainbow on the front grabs the back of the bar stool. He drags it across the floor and motions with his eyes. A part of you wants to protest, find a reason to leave, to deflect. But you also know your husband. Know that look.
It’s why you decide to not drag this out any longer than need be.
You sit down.
Smoothing your hands over your exposed thighs, the desire to tuck and play with the hem of your skirt is a hell of a lot more interesting and desirable than focusing on the way he pulls out the chair opposite of you. Places it so that he’s sitting directly across from you. Your attention only subtly shifting to him when he leans over just enough so his elbows are on his knees, hands clasped together. As much as you really don’t want to have this conversation right now—or ever—something about the way he won’t look at you, stares at the ground, is unsettling.
Especially since you know he’s not upset.
Roman’s anger is never quiet. It’s loud and always makes itself known. Any emotion similar or adjacent to that short, red creature is always visible and never hidden. Even in the early stages of development.
This is none of that.
Truth be told, you don’t know what this is.
You just know that you don’t like it.
Shifting in your seat, raking your nails over your thighs, you muster up the courage to break the silence. “Roman—”
“I want to have a child with you, Y/N.”
Acrylic tips wedged into your soft skin, toes curled against the bottoms of your YSL flip-flops, any non-verbal actions that you were in the midst of are immediately paused. Thinking, feeling, existing, and everything else in between also immediately halted to a sudden, abrupt pause in production.
Did he….
No…
He couldn’t have.
But reality is suddenly turned upside down when he lifts his head, looks you dead in the eye, and doubles down on what you’d thought was imagined. “I want us to have a child together.”
All you can do is blink. Once. Twice. Thrice. Stare and wait for the other shoe to drop. For him to cut the bullshit on this cruel joke.
He doesn’t.
Not even close.
He licks his lips, gaze collapsing once more. His jaw shifting before his words come out slower, quieter even. “You were right when you said I go back and forth. I do.” He shakes his head, rolling his neck. “But it’s not because I don’t know what I want. I do.”
“Roman…”
“I just….” He swallows. “I can handle when you’re manic. It’s not easy. Hell no, but….I’ve learned now what to do. What you need.”
And you don’t disagree in the slightest. Like many other individuals living with Bipolar 1, when you’re in the midst of a manic episode, one of your symptoms includes a heightened sex drive. And for a man who possesses just that without a mental health diagnosis in his medical chart, that worked just fine for him. Everything else—the lack of sleep, impulsive spending, risky behavior—he’d created parameters to protect you. Ensuring to essentially stay with you at all times, taking and hiding your wallet and car keys. Even your phone during earlier, more extreme episodes.
Essentially holding you hostage from the dangers that are you when you’re not in the right frame of mind. At the beginning, at the time, you hated it. Hated him. Told—screamed—at him just that.
Now….now, you’ve never been more grateful.
“What I can’t handle….” Your eyes hone in on the way his voice falters and something indecipherable flashes in his eyes. “—is the other one.” He looks at you once more, displaying it all without any reservation. “When you’re depressed.”
Your lips press together, hands shifting to the side of the stool. Cool metal under your palm, closing and tightening.
Despite only knowing him for a few years, you’ve probably talked to and with Roman more than anyone else in your life. And not once has he ever expressed anything like this. Despite there being a what and what with your manic and depressive episodes, because the consequences of the former have always been more….drastic, the latter hasn’t really been a thing touched on.
Not like this.
“You completely shut down,” he continues, licking his lips, voice even but strained. “Shut out everything and everyone, including me, and I don’t know how to get through to you when you get like that.” It’s not until then you realize that the reason the sight of him before you is suddenly blurred is because of the tears forming and brewing in your eyes. Even with the distorted image, there’s no mistaking the frown on his face. “I don’t know how to help you, and it freaks the fuck out of me.”
For whatever reason, it’s not until then that it hits you. Perhaps for the first time since he started speaking, you see it. Hear it, even. The uncertainty. The anxiety, almost. It’s….disarming, in some ways. Roman has always been the definition of confidence. Arrogance, really. Even the night you met when he looked like he’d just been kicked while already down, and he had in many ways. But he still held this….regality about him. It was always so attractive. Admirable. Seeing someone who was always so…..so sure of himself.
Thus, him sitting in front of you and openly speaking in such a vulnerable way….it’s the last fucking thing you expected him to say.
But he’s not wrong.
As chaotic and erratic your manic episodes are/were, you’d always said that you’d take those over your depressive episodes any day. While manic, you feel any and all the things. While depressed, you feel nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing.
Anhedonia, as you’d learned through therapy. The inability to feel pleasure or joy. Or anything.
You’d lay in bed, sometimes days at a time. Unable to move. Unable to speak. Completely and totally quiet. If you weren’t crying, you were sleeping. And if you weren’t doing that, you were offering nothing more than a soft shake of the head and small shrug to any and all of Roman’s questions.
And there were always plenty.
He bent over backwards, offered anything and everything he could, but nothing pierced the dense veil of depression.
The worst of which resulted in a 5150.
“The fact that you can get so low, and I can’t pull you from it scares the fuck out of me.” The bombs continue to drop, as does the feeling in her stomach. He pauses again, swallowing deeply. “How am I supposed to help you if you have an episode while pregnant? And if I can’t help you, how am I supposed to help our kid if he or she needs it?”
The corner of your lips twitch, tears briefly piling before spilling past your jaw. “Roman, I—”
“And you know me. You know that I don’t like talking about this shit. Admitting shit like this.” It’s true. He doesn’t, and now knowing what you know, you can understand why his mood would always fluctuate so quickly around the subject. Like most things, it was easier for him to lash out, say mean shit, than it was to be honest.
You can sort of relate.
Can understand.
“But seeing the baby clothes today,” he continues, standing up and moving towards you. It’s only then that you sniffle, quickly wiping at your eyes that are soon fixed on him when he cups your face. His frown has deepened, his voice whispered. “The fact that you’ve been buying them…” He thumb swipes away another roll of fresh tears. “That you were trying to get rid of them—”
You shake your head, refusing to allow him to take on anymore guilt that he already holds. “I didn’t—I shouldn’t have purchased them in the first place.”
It was such an unintentional thing. Started out so small. Out at the store, casually walking through the aisles. You’d always felt something stir within whenever you had to walk past the kids section. Especially when passing racks of adorable baby clothes. Would sometimes allow yourself to look, to peruse, but the goal was never to purchase.
You weren’t being completely dishonest with him. Some of the many, various items of baby clothing were, in fact, being purchased in the midst of a manic episode. Where you truly believed that it was a necessary purchase given it being only a matter of time before you conceived. Had already envisioned and imagined how adorable your baby boy or girl would look in the three piece outfit.
But other times…..perhaps most of the time, you weren’t manic, and you certainly weren’t depressed. You were in that sweet, safe spot in between. And somehow, that seemed to hurt the most. Holding the items, sometimes with tears in your eyes because while they ended up being scanned and bagged as part of your overall purpose, each quiet drive home was driven with a single thought.
It’s never going to happen.
By the time you’d get home, you’d have changed your mind. Reflected and thought on comments and conversations where Roman referenced your future children. It’s what led you to keep them. To keep buying them. On the hopes of a what if. But gathering clothes to donate to local shelters in conjunction with the most recent, hardest conversation regarding children had finally carried you to the realization and acceptance that seemed like the most likely to occur.
And it wasn’t a pregnancy.
Thus, you ignoring your tears and the throbbing in your chest as you bagged up all of the items you’d purchased and ordered, forcing yourself to stop believing and waiting on a dream that was never intended to be anything more than that in the first place.
A dream.
“But you did,” he counters, softly. “And that means something, Y/N.”
Again, all you can do is look at him, stare and continue to be stunned and floored by words you never could have anticipated hearing today. If ever.
But if your husband, one of the most emotionally stunted men you’ve ever met, is capable of pushing past discomforts and knocking down walls, then you can, at the very least, do and offer the same.
You look down, covering your hands over his, gently dragging them down so you’re holding them in your lap. Brushing your own thumbs over his coarse knuckles. One of your fleeting thoughts being that he must have hit the bag today only for you to realize that of course he did.
It’s always been one of his favorite stress relievers.
“Do you….do you remember the big fight we had?” For the first time since you entered the home, humor briefly entangles with intensity. Specificity for a thing that was the norm for far too long is most definitely a requirement. “The first one regarding pregnancy.” Where you said no. “You—you said something to me that night. Something that….” Your tongue darts over your dry lips, voice hoarse, his eyes focused intently on you. “At the time, I hated you for.”
One could argue this sentiment has been felt several times over in the span of two years, mostly in the early, turbulent stages. But none more than that night.
“Fine, if you don’t wanna fucking say it, then I will,” he’d snapped. Anger and frustration painting his face and the tips of his ears red. The room around you two in disarray. Shattered glass littered across and meshed within the Persian rug. Both from the lamp you’d thrown and the one he’d shattered with a single swipe of his arm. A chair flipped over in the corner, and the TV still running in the background. The only sense of normalcy in that moment. “You know why you wanna have a kid so fucking bad?” He’d stepped closer, your fingers tightening around the neck of the half drunk bottle of wine in hand. Seconds away from joining the other broken, irreparable things. Much how you felt about your marriage in that moment. “It’s not cause you actually want to be a mother.” In that moment, you knew. Just knew what he was about to say. And even that level of preparation in the face of his stoic expression and sneer didn’t spare you the cascade of emotions. “It’s cause you just wanna prove to yourself that you’re not her. That you’re not your own mother.”
Your eyes shut, the memory reigniting another set of emotions, an evident revisiting given the way he attempts to pull his hands from you. To comfort you, you’re sure.
“I shouldn’t have—”
“You were right,” you whisper, allowing yourself to voice for the first time a realization you’d had in therapy a few months prior. “I hated you because….because you were right.” His subtle movements and efforts to comfort you are temporarily halted in the midst of a truth you know he didn’t expect to hear.
“Y/N….”
“My biggest—” Shutting your eyes once more, you’re taken back to a different time and place. The soft cushion behind your head and under your body. Hands clasped over your stomach, eyes still shut, the soft, soothing voice of your therapist walking you through a mindfulness exercise grounding you in a moment you’ve never needed it more. Keeping you on two steady, metaphorical, and literal feet. “My biggest fear in life was—is—ending up like her.”
“That’s why....” Another thick swallow, emotion stirring for another heavier round. The swipe of your tongue over your bottom lip met with a salty taste on the tip of your tongue. Tears. “That’s why I pushed back on getting help for so long. I felt like—like that made it real. That it made me her.”
If someone told you a couple years ago you’d ever be confessing this aloud to your husband who’s 16 years your senior and someone you met and married in under twenty four hours, well, you’d perhaps not not believe them. But it’d 100% be the actions that were contained within a manic episode. However, you’ve never been more sane and regulated than in this moment. A weight unloaded in the most unexpected of ways.
“But I know now that just because we shared the same diagnosis doesn’t mean we’re the same person. She made her decision. She chose not to live anymore.” A beat. “And I chose to finally start living.”
He takes a small breath as you manage a small smile that’s dimmed seconds later by the reminder of additional truth that you’d prefer to keep to yourself. It’s not an option though. It’s not an option because it serves no purpose other than to self-sabotage. There has never been a better moment than now to acknowledge even the most uncomfortable, heartbreaking of truths.
“I, uhh, I went to the doctor before we left for Italy. Just…” Once more, the burden of truth causes you to stammer, but you manage to power through. Slightly aided by the way you intermittently allow your gaze to focus on your still conjoined hands. A metaphorical representation of union and togetherness that’s saved you in so many ways. “Just wanted to know where I stand, fertility wise, if we were….”
Breathe
Roman says something, or starts to, and while you hate to interrupt him once more, you know yourself well enough to recognize that if you don’t get this out now, there’s a good chance you’ll find a way to keep it to yourself.
As you’ve done since you found out.
“My….ovarian reserve is significantly lower than it should be for someone my age. Like….a lot.” A forced, inauthentic chuckle accompanied by another wave of tears that stream down your reddened cheeks. “Like….’the chances of me conceiving naturally and without medical assistance is slim to none’ a lot.”
And while your doctor, the sweetest woman with a gentle disposition, warm and maternal, approached the conversation with a cherished delicacy, it wasn’t difficult for you to read between the lines. To decipher what she didn’t want to say for fear of crushing what she knows to be your dreams of motherhood.
That IVF is your best bet if you ever wish to have and carry a child.
And even that’s not guaranteed.
Revisiting the conversation takes a heavier toll on you than expected. It’s when you lift your hand to wipe away at the tears that seem to be coming with increased frequency and flow is when Roman takes advantage. Moves his hands to your waist, attempting to pull you into him. Sympathy, empathy, and everything else floating between the two of you.
“Y/N—”
“I think it’s just a sign, ya know.” Shaking your head, eyes naturally closing, it’s hard to tell who you’re trying to convince. Him or yourself. God knows it’s nothing you haven’t repeated a dozen times over. Sometimes it feels as though it’s working. Other times, it feels like nothing more than pouring waning hope into a bottomless cup with a hole so far deep that you don’t even realize your efforts are nothing more than a waste of time and energy.
“Y/N—”
“Motherhood clearly isn’t in the cards—”
“Y/N.”
Roman already has a commanding voice. Deep and smooth. It’s almost impossible to not be lulled in. But the way he says your name, needing and demanding your attention, easily snaps your eyes open onto his. Your lips part softly when he lifts one hand to the back of your neck. Leans in closer to where his cologne mingles with your perfume. Just another form of connection.
“Do you want this?”
For a moment, you’re taken back. Same place. Same people. Different environment. Destruction, broken, ruined items surrounding the shattered mess that was the both of you. Defeat never so prominent. He’d asked you the very same thing, just with a completely different meaning, exhaustion painted over his handsome face. The faint bruise under his eye similar to the one he had when you met, but that one was received via valiant efforts to retain. This one….this one was the one you’ll never be able to truly forgive yourself for.
“Roman—“
“Do you want this, Y/N?” He repeats himself, the hand on your waist squeezing and pulling just enough to where you stand up. Your hands naturally rest on his stomach, hardened and sturdy under your shaking, sweating palms.
There’s an initial attempt to protest that dies out in the face of acknowledgment.
Do you want this?
It’s the same question you asked yourself on the drive home from the appointment. Especially as you laid in bed that evening, scrolling and researching for hours on end about what options might exist. The top of most lists being IVF, and with that, as many horror stories as there were successes.
Countless attempts before successful implantation.
Countless attempts that never bore any results.
Women who’d tried every treatment option known to medical science only to have nothing to show for it except empty pockets and a broken heart.
You know that first one would never be the case. Not with the tax bracket Roman is in. But that second one….
It’s dangerous. In a variety of ways. What would it do to you mentally? To try, get your hopes up, only for nothing to come of all your efforts? Just imagining the scenario is heartbreaking enough. But for it to be your reality…
And then there’s the other side of it. The one where, at the end of it all, you have a beautiful, healthy baby boy or girl. It makes your chest fill and bloom with warmth and joy.
All things you’d expressed and discussed in your most recent therapy session, an extra that you’d, wisely, requested after finding out the news.
News that, now you think of it, also largely contributed to your ultimately deciding to discard of the baby clothes.
It was….too painful of a reminder.
However, the situation feels almost entirely reversed as you stand before your husband who’s finally and truthfully expressed his stance on this. Confirmed what you’d deep down wanted so badly to believe was the truth but also couldn’t verify in the face of countless objections and otherwise expressed sentiments.
A what if morphed into an actual possibility.
The process of trying to conceive is a journey and experience for most women, and many, as you’d learned through research, do require at least some form of assistance to actually achieve that conception. In that, you weren’t unique. The added layer of navigating that and your mental health struggles just put you in a slightly different category. A riskier one.
But a statement and unanswered question posed by your therapist returns to the forefront of your mind.
“This isn’t a matter of what’s the best option, sweetie.” You’d kept your focus on your lap, picking at your nails as she probed into your mental in a way that was both unnerving and appreciated. Necessary, especially. “It’s a matter of what decision, long-term, do you foresee negatively impacting you the most.” You can still feel the way you chest tightened moments before she laid it all out in no unclear terms. “Never trying and having to live with that ‘what if’ or trying and having to accept the possibility of it not working out the way you wanted it to.
Unknown vs Disappointment.
You didn’t have an answer to give then.
You have one now.
“Yes.”
And maybe it’s your own subconscious desires playing a cruel, mean trick on you, but you could almost swear there’s a brief flash of relief in his expression.
Like….like he’s happy.
“Then we’ll do it,” he announces, that thumb caressing the nape of your neck a soothing, gentle gesture. “We find out whatever specialist you need to see, whatever treatment you need, see what it specifically entails, if you’re mentally and physically up for it, and take it from there….alright?”
There’s something immensely comforting about the way he emphasizes and includes the tentative nature of it all. Highlights that consenting to trying does not equate consenting to doing. Learning the specifics, the risks, and everything else is truly where the hardest decision will need to be made. And as much as he has a say in it, too, at the end of the day, it’s your call to make. Your body that will have to undergo and sustain all the prickling and prodding.
Your mental that might be tested in ways you’ve never experienced before.
It’s frightening, for sure. Daunting and terrifying. Yet all of that fright and fear is readily eased by the reminder that you don’t have to face it alone.
Not even a little.
It’s what makes you lean up, arms secured around his neck as he hikes you up onto his waist. You smile and laugh into his neck, sniffling and whispering, “I love you.”
His quiet chuckle and the kiss to your temple accompanying a light squeeze of your ass and quiet but equally heartfelt, “I love you, too.”
a/n: if you've read some of my other content, you know i'm a whore for fleshing things out. in reality, and as reflected by the dates in this one and the first part, this "conclusion" would take time. even longer than what's reflected in these two pieces. but for the sake of answering the biggest question most of ya'll have, i gave you this.
was very very tempted to reveal at the end that it was all a dream. reader was just dreaming roman's confession, and it ended with them essentially realizing there's no way they can make this work. her wanting kids and him not. implied separation/divorce being the outcome. but i didn't want ya'll to cuss me out lmao
lastly, i almost wrote the first part being completely different in that reader shared with roman she was pregnant, and he wasn't happy. him wanting her to get an abortion because she knew how he felt. her not wanting to, especially when he knew she wasn't on birth control. thus, this super complicated, controversial scenario where it's, 'is he wrong for considering walking away even though she knew how he felt?" idk. that just seemed too complex and layered for a oneshot.
deadass I’ve been reading some of ur shit && I just think it’s HILARIOUS that you made a fic where you are the main character. I can’t think of anything more self centered. Oh wait??? Adding yourself to each fic. NCITW, Through The Collar, Pumped Up Kicks… need I go on? Grow up and write something worth writing. Also not everyone is a fan of Usocest so I’d take that shit down if I were you.
Look, most of us that write, write with ourselves in mind. That's just the nature of writing. You can deny it all you want but there is usually a little bit of yourself in every character.
author’s note: my deepest apologies for how long this took. life be lifing. i'd read this one carefully. certain things are revealed and/or inferred indirectly.
pairing: roman reigns x black!oc x jey uso
warnings: angst. strong themes regarding infidelity, domestic violence, and death. psychological elements. some scenes may be triggering and difficult to read. reader discretion is strongly advised.
words: 5k+
song inspo: ❝ somewhere only we know❞ by keane
credit: photos from pinterest and google images. fic and chapter title graphics by me. mdni divider by @strangergraphics
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Heaven feigns a loud sigh and blows out a dramatic breath, making the curls spilling over her face to fly forward before tossing down against her cheek. She pushes back a tendril and tucks it behind her ear. Shrugging and another feigned exhale accompany the way she looks at her nails. Short, almond, painted the perfect shade of white that matches the loose dress with flowy sleeves, a cinched waist, and brushes the top of her knees.
“I guess I won’t be able to find her…”
Her intentional announcement is accompanied by the way she carefully, slowly, and methodically takes step by step, the blades of forest green grass tickling the portion of skin exposed on her feet from her sandals. “I can’t believe she really beat me….” Continuing to lean into the performance, it’s only when she catches the the glimpse of an arm with a complexion several shades lighter than the tree she hides behind that Heaven makes her grand reveal.
“There she is!”
The shout comes seconds after Heaven jumps forward and attempts to grab her. Happy, loud giggles as she breaks free from Heaven’s loose hold and starts to run away. Her little legs only taking her so far before Heaven grabs her again, this time the two of them falling into the ground.
The pasture absorbs their bodies like a memory foam pillow, molding around the curves of Heaven’s body as the little girl lays on top of her and continues to laugh happily from the way Heaven playfully tickles.
“You found me!”
“I did,” Heaven’s smile deepens, her eyes narrowing from the fleeting glimpses of sun that rains down on her, peaking through the head of dark curls every time she writhes and wiggles from the tickle session.
It’s when she rolls over, however, and Heaven can feel the full strength of the sun that her smile settles, her shoulders sink deeper into the grass, and her eyes shut. There aren’t enough words to adequately describe the level of…peace she feels in this moment. The sun is bright but the heat is almost nonexistent. The aroma of fresh flowers that don’t crush under her weight but instead bow almost in reverence around their bodies. Faint whistles and swishing sounds of the wind brushing against the most beautiful example of God’s finest work that Heaven has ever seen.
Never an outside person, there’s nothing that she can list off as a con for the space that feels less like a pasture and more like a safe haven.
Rolls and valleys of endless greenery and forestry. There’s an aura that feels almost too good to be real. Like it contains and conveys a level of peace that defies and contrasts reality and what exists in the realm of capabilities.
Heaven feels so….light.
She feels free.
The sort of free that one prays for but rarely ever achieves.
At least….not in this life.
The laughter once more draws her focus as mischief flashes in her pretty eyes before she jumps up and starts to run off once more. Heaven’s smile deepens as she too sits up and starts to give chase when she stops. Turns her head just enough to where the breeze brushes past her hair, whipping it against her face as her brows start to cave inward and the smile falters.
Something…..
Something’s not right.
She continues to turn around, the peace that encompassed is now one that unsettles. It’s all so perfect. Too perfect.
And then she hears it. Hears the sound that makes her entire body still and toes dig into the ground that suddenly feels impossibly softer than before. As if it's adapted. As if it’s molding itself to her feet to keep her planted when her knees begin to wobble and balance falters.
Giggles.
That of a child. A little girl.
And not the one a few feet away.
“Macy…”
Heaven turns around, eyes foraging the vast plains as if trying to seek out the voice. Seek her.
She starts to step forward when a small tug on her dress forces her to turn around. Heaven looks down to see the little girl staring up at her with that same gaze of excitement and with that happy smile that reveals a top and bottom row of small, perfectly straight, white teeth. Impossibly white, almost.
A recurring theme of this place, it seems.
Impossibility.
Releasing the fabric, she instead makes a beckoning motion with her fingers before reaching for Heaven’s hand, all five wrapping around and giving a light squeeze.
It’s a grasp that the older woman allows, but it’s the extent of permission granted as Heaven plants her feet in the ground. The crumble of the young girl’s smile evokes a heavy lump in the back of Heaven's throat and births a weight that sits on her chest. Anchors her body down both physically and metaphorically, as she drops to her knees, hands to the child’s shoulders.
She swallows, feeling that familiar burning sensation that’s intensified by the way the sun beams down on her. “You are an amazing little girl, sweetie.” Words that comes from a place she can’t identify, but it’s a place that feels familiar. Natural. Innate. “But I know another amazing little girl, and she needs me. She—she needs me more than you do.”
And Heaven needs her. Perhaps more than the other way around.
It’s a realization spurned simply from the sound of her daughter’s laughter. One of the best sounds in the world, and one that she can’t push from her head. Hears on repeat at a volume that feels like it only knows increase.
But the space reserved for her sweet Macy is shared with concern for this girl in front of her who reminds her so much of her daughter. Heaven expects the disappointment that flashes in her eyes, but it’s when she briefly breaks away that the guilt forms.
“Honey—”
Heaven stops when she realizes the girl isn’t going far. Just quickly scuffles a few feet away to a strip of flowers and picks two before quietly returning to Heaven who observes them with marvel and curiosity. It’s such a strange variation of which she’s never seen before. A crossbreed of roses and tulips.
One pink and one blue.
But the curiosity travels when the girl reaches with her free hand and pushes past the swell of the material to touch Heaven’s stomach. It’s a touch that makes her gasp from the memory that instantly slams into her.
The baby…
For the first time since awaking in this sort of paradise, dread begins to seep in. But it’s monetarily paused when she watches the girl’s smile revive as she lifts her eyes to meet Heaven’s and offers the flowers that are easily and naturally accepted. Even as the confusion remains.
“I don’t….” She stumbles. “I don’t und—”
Her small fingers rubbing gently against Heaven’s belly as she drops her eyes once more before lifting them and nodding happily. But once more, another unexpected act when the child lunges forward and hugs her.
Heaven’s shoulders instantly relax, the flowers still gripped in her hand as she returns the embrace. She closes her eyes, another wave of ardent emotion overtaking her. A sense of despondency and regret.
Like she doesn’t want to do this.
Like she doesn’t want to leave.
Like she doesn’t want to leave this little girl. Because leaving her almost feels like….it feels like she’s leaving Macy.
But she’s not. She’s leaving her because of Macy.
So why does it feel like there isn’t much of a difference?
If any.
“It’s okay.” Heaven gasps as the child breaks her silence. Her small voice, light and pure, sounding and reminding her so much of Macy. “And it’s okay you didn’t keep me. I know you wanted to.” The quietest intake of breath is followed by the way Heaven's eyes shoot open, electricity dancing up her spine. Her fingers both somehow tingling and numb concurrently.
What….what did she just say?
The little girl presses her body closer, as if wanting to mold the two of them together, to soak in and capture this moment as much as she possibly can.
To never forget.
“Bye, mommy.”
——————
A multitude of senses are triggered almost immediately and simultaneously, but the first thing that Heaven can detect in this new realm of consciousness are the sounds. A variety of them, most of which are sounded out by a consistent, regulated beep that’s both familiar and disconcerting. That discomfort is exacerbated by the way she struggles to open her eyes, several flutters and focused efforts needed to lift and maintain. An uphill battle similar to that of pushing a large boulder up the steep heel of setbacks but one she overcomes and largely because of the new sound that’s added to her immediate environment.
“Heaven?”
Another familiar sound that's partially drowned out in the midst of Heaven also becoming more aware of her surrounding. The sounds. The sterile, non-existent smell in the room. The heaviness of her body and cool, foreign sensations up and down her arms. A throbbing one near her right shoulder. She manages a deep breath through her still closed mouth when the view of the still slightly blurred television is replaced with a set of eyes similar to her own.
Her mom’s.
“Oh, thank God.” Heaven groans lowly as her mother reaches to caress the top of her head, watery eyes locked on her. “My beautiful girl.”
Blinking several times over, Heaven continues to work to reach the point where she can communicate, but the grogginess is consistent and persistent. Awareness intermittent, to a certain extent. Enough to where she hears and sees the way her mother briefly turns her head and calls for a nurse before she’s focused on her daughter once more. “Heaven, do you know where you are?”
Heaven offers a small nod, and it might be the easiest thing she’s done. A hospital. She’s in a hospital.
But why?
And because Shelia Jackson is nothing short of sharp—if not psychic—she reads the question that doesn’t even need to be asked.
“Honey….” Heaven observes the subtle motion in the middle of her mother’s neck, a small bulge forming and disappearing. A swallow. A deep one. “You were attacked—”
Perhaps additional words follow the word ‘attacked,’ but it’s all incoherent mush that’s barely audible amidst the rush of memories that slam into Heaven with enough force to send her back if she wasn’t already lying down.
The fire.
Macy.
Jey.
The hotel.
Roman.
Macy.
Whatever time has passed since her entire world began to crumble before her very eyes is suddenly filled with horrifying remembrance of what initially brought her to the hospital.
And she doesn’t mean her own admission.
“Macy,” Heaven croaks, a sting in the back of her throat as she forces herself to speak for what must be the first time in—how long has she been asleep? “Where—where’s Macy?”
An attempt to sit up brings about a sharp, sudden pain in her shoulder as Shelia drops her hand to Heaven’s forearm.
“Careful, baby. You—” She stops, Heaven’s furrowed brows lifting to meet her mother’s eyes once more. “You were shot.”
Once more, a stillness that halts her movements and attempted efforts at answers. Heaven….remembers it. Remembers being at the hotel, at hearing a knock at the door, expecting to see the woman in front of her on the other side.
It wasn’t.
It was someone else she thought she knew. Someone she thought she loved. And maybe she did. But whatever love existed for the man she’s spent the better part of her life with died the moment he left her baby inside that burning building.
And once more, Heaven casts aside any thoughts and considerations for herself. She can work through that later.
She needs to get to her daughter.
She needs to get to Macy.
Heaven attempts to snatch her arm away from her mom, ignoring the stinging sensation of the IV in her arm shifting from the sudden movements. Shelia presses her lips together as Heaven continues to find her voice. “Where’s Macy?”
Shelia opens her mouth, her own sympathetic expression unchanging when rushed footsteps draws the focus of both mother and daughter. Shelia straightens as Heaven remains steadfast in her efforts to, one, get up, and two, get up to find her daughter. Regardless of the nurses and doctor moving towards her.
The doctor, an older man with a balding head and crows eyes but a seemingly genuine disposition, steps closer. His voice calm and soothing. “Mrs. Uso—”
“I want to see my daughter,” she interrupts, uncaring of feigning pleasantries for the sake of it. Being nice and displaying manners is the last fucking thing on her mind. “Where—”
An additional set of hands and the feeling of being surrounded and overwhelmed heighten Heaven’s anxiety, as words and fragmented sentences continue to float in and out.
“….bullet missed the heart and lungs….”
“………significant blood loss…..”
“……hemorrhagic shock……”
“………..emergency surgery….....”
“……,…babies are stable….....”
“……..two days……”
All of it is relevant information, of that, Heaven is certain, but it’s the last portion of shared information that sticks with her and answers just one of her many questions. One that is near the top of the importance list.
“Two days?” She breathes, realizing only then on top of administering information as the nurses inspected her, he was also asking her a set of basic questions she’d apparently answered in the midst of growing internal panic. “I—I’ve been out for two days?”
Shelia, standing closely, hand on the railing of the hospital bed, opens her mouth to speak but is interrupted by her daughter once more as another realization returns to Heaven.
“Macy….we—we’re supposed—supposed to know—” She shakes her head, ignoring the rising level of physical pain and discomfort in her body and face as certain facial motions evoke a stinging, throbbing sensation in her cheek. “Where’s Macy!”
Because Heaven remembers. Recalls the conversation with Macy’s medical team. If she’s been unconscious for two days now, then that means it’s either time or close to the time where they should have a better understanding of Macy’s status.
If she sustained any brain damage.
And if so….how severe.
Determination and resilience sometimes result in success, as is the case when Heaven finally manages to sway the doctor. Her mother’s cosign in the form of a whispered statement to the doctor also being a helpful additive. If the situation were different, Heaven would perhaps press on what was said, but it’s inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
The only thing that Heaven cares about, the only thing that matters, is seeing her baby girl.
That’s it.
It’s what remains the constant in the back, front, and all over her mind as she’s helped out of the bed and into a wheelchair that’s brought in a few minutes later. The journey from her room to the pediatric ward of the ICU includes the accompanying of her mother, two nurses, one who pushes her in the wheelchair and the other who guides the IV pole. Assisted ambulation eventually guiding Heaven to her destination.
Energy shifts the minute she’s wheeled into the room as if making way and place for her arrival. Dread rebuilds and returns with a startling vengeance as the discomfort that’s floated through her body in a variety of ways since her return to consciousness is no longer germane in place of a greater calamity. The room, roughly the same size as the one she was excerpted from, suddenly feels so much smaller with the congregation of bodies. White coats. Scrubs. Machines galore making the same sounds she awoke to. All surrounding the bed to where the only thing she can make out is the thin, white sheets, faint outline of short legs, and slightly elevated feet. Hushed whispers and a set of eyes that land on her, wearing a variety of expressions. But it’s two in particular that capture her focus longer than the rest, that briefly distract her from attempts to obtain a better view of her baby.
“Heaven….”
Roman is the first to speak, Nathan only a few feet away, but Heaven locks gazes with the elder of the two, and her stomach twists into an abundance of knots. Flashes of their last interaction—the hotel, Jey, the gun—once more another flood of memories. Ones that she briefly remembered when she came to but shoved aside for the sake of her child. But only a few feet away from the man whose last statements to her were ones of disgust and hurt is another story. She can’t look way nor can she ignore how…..tired exhausted he looks. Deep, dark bags under his eyes. Frizzy hair lazily pulled back unlike the neat but he’s always ensured to perfect before leaving the house. Even his attire, the wrinkled fabric of his shirt and sweat pants, visibly thrown on in haste and with little regard for appearance, it’s so….unlike him. But it makes all the sense.
He’s exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Truth be told, Heaven wouldn’t be surprised if he’s simply a reflection of herself with marginal differences.
Roman steps forward as Heaven squeezes her mom’s hand and holds onto the nurses forearm with her other hand while they help her to her feet. He gaze flicks between the two of them, unspoken communication as she naturally reaches for him, fingers snapping around his forearm. She swallows, an array of words needing to be spoken, truthful, honest communication never having a more appropriate time to be had. But once more, it’s a necessity that must be shoved to the back burner.
Her eyes water as he lifts one hand to her face that Heaven is almost certain must be slightly swollen, on top of bruised, given the flashes of intermittent pain that accompany her speech. “Macy…”
He mimics her motion, a prominent bulge and disappearance in the middle of his neck. “They’re about to wean her sedation to see….”
His inability to continue is all the answer she needs.
Heaven can’t allow herself to think about the reason why for his difficulty in completing his answer.
She motions with her chin towards the bed where Macy lays, offering a small smile to her nephew who simply returns the gesture with a small nod and a flash of regret in his warm eyes. Heaven recalls her last interaction with him, too, and mentally adds him to the list of people she needs to speak with.
Just one of many. But as Roman assists her to Macy’s bedside, her mom and the nurse guiding her IV pole close behind, the emotion that was already brewing reaches its boiling point.
A sharp intake of breath when she looks down at her baby girl, eyes closed, face still scuffed up, arm still wrapped, far too many wires connected to her. Far too many medical personnel surrounding her. She shouldn’t be here. In this bed. In this sterile room. In this situation.
This should have never happened.
“Mrs.—”
“Heaven,” she corrects, hand trembling as she reaches to stroke Macy’s cheek before flitting her gaze to the doctor. “It’s just Heaven.”
He nods before offering a gentle explanation as to the steps seconds away from commencing. Similair to what Roman said, just verbalized in a mixture of medical and regular terminology. But it’s when the actions are initiated that Heaven’s chest feels like it’s about to cave in on itself. Seconds that feel as if they’re being stretched into hours. Announcement of each task accompanied by Heaven’s grip on Roman’s forearm tightening, her eyes, as well as his, never once leaving Macy’s peaceful expression.
They’re paralyzed and frozen in time waiting and watching with a shared level of trepidation mingled in with burning hope.
Because in that moment, it’s all they have.
“Macy,” Heaven whispers, stomach clenching as she works to find her voice. It doesn’t matter that Macy’s hair, pulled back and tucked under her head, reveal the absence of her hearing aids. Heaven isn’t speaking to Macy for her to hear. She’s speaking to Macy for her to feel. “Baby, you gotta wake up. Mommy…mommy and daddy are here waiting for you.” Though her focus is on her child, her eyesight doesn’t need to be set on the man beside her to know that he has a visible reaction to her words. Barely an hour out of her own sedation, Heaven also doesn’t need to have regained control of all her faculties to know that this is the first time she’s ever openly referred to him as such.
As Macy’s father.
She continues, ignoring the pain from her shoulder as she bends over, the arm of the bed digging into her stomach. “I came back for you, May May.” Her voice cracks. “Now I need you to come back for me.”
Another reaction to poignant words, from both her lover and mother, are lost in the sea of irrelevance at the sight of something. Subtle. So so subtle and minimal that Heaven is partially surprised she can make it out through her blurred vision. And for a moment, she questions herself. Questions if her desire is overpowering her sense.
And then it happens again.
That same motion with increased visibility that’s caught by others as well, Roman’s deep voice whispering from beside her.
“Macy?”
Once more, voices are drowned out as Heaven feels the weight in her stomach dropping and caving when visible progression results into fluttering. Macy’s eyes begin to flutter, each motion evoking sounds from around but none more than her parents who stand her bedside.
“Macy?” Heaven cries and watches as her little girls eyelids fully lift and remain open, granting the room with a set of soft brown eyes that haven’t been seen in almost three days. Heaven has to grip Roman’s arm once more to keep from fainting. The shock of her awaking temporarily halts what would be the most logical next step for her parents as the doctor says something that's lost in the midst of endless relief.
Her lips press together, lines creasing in her forward, the faintest hint of a scowl similar to that of when she’s awoken premature from a nap. Confused. She looks confused, and understandably so.
But as a nurse begins to sign what would be the start of a basic line of questioning, Macy’s eyes instead flick to the left where her teary eyed parents stand beside her overcome with joy.
Joy so overwhelming that Heaven can barely make out what Roman says as he shifts just enough to lean over and kiss Macy’s forehead. But it doesn’t stop her, nor him, from following the length of Macy’s non injured arm as her fingers flex. Similar, small baby steps that lead up to the way she lifts her arms just enough to sign with her hands. Slow, laggard movements, tension in her fingers from days of non-movement causing her to take longer than usual, but the result is so so worth it.
Mommy
Another heartfelt sob erupts from Heaven’s mouth right as Macy’s eyes shift to the left, to Roman, and her fingers makes a different motion. Her fingers move a smidge quicker than before.
Daddy
Heaven places her hand over her heart, issuing an abundance of silent prayers as the tension of the room immediately melts away to make way for immense gratitude. If not for the vast amount of relief felt at Macy awake and coherent, perhaps Heaven would have focused more on it. Sensed the swell of emotion from beside her at Macy's acknowledgement.
The acknoweldgment of her father.
Her real father.
But it’s the final signing she does that allow humor to mingle in with gratefulness.
Cookie.
Only then as several of the adults in room break into light laughter does Heaven start to tune back into the conversations at hand. The nurse who was signing with Macy cracks a small, meaningful smile. She talks while signing. “I definitely think we can see about getting you some cookies, sweetie.”
At that, Roman clears his throat, still caressing the top of Macy’s head as Heaven reaches for her hand. “No. It’s….it’s her stuffed animal.”
“She doesn’t go anywhere without it,” Heaven finishes. Nathan and her mother move closer, attempting to interact with Macy whose hands have returned to her side, her expression unchanged. But the mere fact that Heaven is looking into her baby girl’s open eyes instead of them closed and indicating an outcome from the worst sort of nightmare is more than enough for her.
The doctor begins to task the nurse with signing a set of basic questions for Macy, most of which, Heaven is sure, is standard protocol. Most likely to gauge her level of awareness, though her being able to identify her parents is more than enough for Heaven.
Macy simply being awake is more than enough for Heaven.
With everything transpiring, the array of voices filling the room that’s suddenly far less morose than when she initially entered, Heaven is moderately surprised when she overhears a set of footsteps. Perhaps it’s the almost rushed pace, or maybe it’s the lingering essence of always being daddy’s little girl that has her turn around to see her father enter. But it’s the way he stands closer to the door, away from Macy’s bedside and how he beckons over her mother that gives Heaven pause. Especially when she watches the way her mother’s smile dips and transitions into a confused frown as she walks over.
Her attention is especially secured when her father angles his and Shelia’s body away, not once seeming to pay attention to the fact that Macy, his only grandchild, is awake. Ignoring her is one thing, but Macy?
Concern spikes, however, when, even without seeing their faces, Heaven can infer from their tense postures that something….something is wrong.
That nagging, uncomfortable feeling dancing up her spine as she speaks up. “What is it?”
And the feeling intensifies when her parents turn to her and cook up the quickest, most insincere “nothing” that she shoots down immediately. “What is it?”
Shelia presses her lips together. “Heaven.”
“Tell me.”
Heaven doesn’t intend to raise her voice as much as she does. She especially doesn’t intend to snatch away the focus from Macy via Nathan and Roman’s confused expressions, but Macy’s lack of her hearing aids leave her oblivious to the conversation at hand.
Thus, Heaven pushing once more. Something in the base of her stomach tells her that she needs to. That she can’t and shouldn’t accept whatever excuse or lie her parents want to feed her for the sake of avoiding whatever fallout the truth may carry with it.
That’s what caused all this mess in the first place.
But the truth that’s disclosed is a truth she could have never anticipated.
“They found him,” her father answers. “They found Jey.”
Something about hearing his name sends chills up Heaven’s spine. Evokes a myriad emotions. Anger dominating them all. But the anger is shoved aside in favor of clarification. “What—what do you mean they found him?”
Heaven remembers Jey attacking her. Recalls the struggle for the gun. Everything after that is nothing more than a blank page, but in her mind, Jey should be locked up somewhere. He attacked her. Tried to kill her. Almost killed her daughter.
He should be buried under that damn jail.
“He went on the run after….” Shelia trails off, her husband taking her hand as he offers a small nod.
“They located him though. Received an anonymous tip,” he continues. The pause, however, increases Heaven’s anxiety. The omission of what she would guess is a key piece of information having her press once more.
“What—”
“He was shot, Heaven,” he finally answers, voice void of any emotions and the concern in his eyes undoubtedly reserved for her and Macy. But primarily her and having to share such jarring news. “They found him unconscious. Beaten and shot. He’s apparently in critical condition. It doesn't look good. They don’t think he's going to—”
She’s unsure if it’s the way she turns her head away, staring at the ground, working to process the information, that makes her father pause in his explanation. Most likely. It’s certainly not from being choked up or holding any ounce of remorse or grief.
Jey’s sins are far too great and grave for her to extend any sort of compassion. Empathy has limitations, and Jey reached his the moment he left her daughter in their burning home. Perhaps the shock of what occurred has her in a state of emotional paralysis, but him attacking her, trying to kill her, isn’t even what drives her fury with him. It’s Macy. His crimes against Macy are unforgivable.
Though lack of empathy doesn’t deprive her brain from springing out several thoughts, most of which circle around a single word.
Who.
Who attacked Jey?
It’s an unasked question, however, that still has little to no emotion attached to it.
Nothing that Heaven actually feels. Truth be told, she’s not exactly sure what she feels. At least not until she happens to look behind her, wanting to ensure that Macy, though not physically possible, has not overheard news Heaven hasn’t the slightest idea how she’s going to break to her sweet little girl.
Especially if….
But it’s halted when two other expressions snag her focus.
Roman and Nathan. Twins in so many different ways, their personalities and dispositions almost identical. The first few seconds reveal brief, minor distinctions that, if not for how well she knows both father and son, she could have easily missed. The subtle tick of Roman’s jaw and motion of his bushy brows, weary eyes flashing with something unidentifiable. Similarly, there’s a discreet rise and fall of Nathan's shoulders followed by his mouth shifting before his expression lands in the same place as his father’s. Identical, nonchalant, calm, stoic look on their faces. And while she certainly wouldn’t expect either to emote any sort of despair or sorrow, it’s the lack of something she would expect to see that makes her still.
Shock.
They don’t….they don’t look shocked.
Not even a little.
And there’s something unsettling about that for completely different reason. Something that has her stomach in knots and spurns widespread disquiet. “What—“
An interrupted, unasked question lost in the midst of another sound inserted into the commotion of the room, voices layered over one another, but that consternated tone overpowering the rest.
“Macy?”
Her daughter’s name being called is what forces Heaven to return her focus to her child, the sight of which immediately makes her stomach churn.
“Macy.”
Macy doesn’t respond though, and her silence isn’t due to the lack of her hearing aids and thus inability to hear. It’s because of the sudden, jerking motions of her body as medical staff swarm around her right as several of the machines connected to her baby start alarming loudly and frantic, some slow and intermittent, some speedily and with urgency that matches that of the team around her.
“She’s seizing.”
“Her oxygen is dropping.”
“She’s coding.”
“Clear the room now!”
All sentences that whip past Heaven as she attempts to close the distance between her and her innocent baby, the view completely obscured by scrubs and a white coat. Arms and hands moving and reaching with purpose and necessity, some of which, however, serve as barriers.
“Macy!”
It’s an out-of-body experience, the heartfelt sound of her baby’s name ripped from her mouth. From Roman’s. Both of them being restrained and forced away from a scene neither can look away from. Their efforts valiant and without respite, even as Heaven feels the sharp pain of the IV ripping out from her arm what with her desperate flailing and swinging of her arms against the nurses holding her back. Her and Roman's voice nothing but heartbreaking echoes of the deepest sort of terror as they scream for their child.
“MACY!”
And similar to the same sight that haunted her that night, as she once more poured every ounce of energy in her body to get to her daughter, Heaven. continues to push. As does Roman. They continue to fight and resist. Tenacity undeterred as the cacophony of noise is usurped by a single, continuous, uninterrupted sound.
