online journal v1 / lv

I'm waiting for my spaceship to come back for me.

[spacedbabe]

Reading and learning about C-PTSD has really opened my eyes to a lot of the trauma I’ve dealt with in my life.

[spacedbabe]

I’ve been noticing myself spiral down and feel worse and worse and I feel like I’m trying to feel better and trying to do the things that are good and better for me to help me heal, but I just get bothered when I share things with people. I want to share things with others, but I hate it when people try to mansplain things to me.

I’m sorry. I’m just really really sad.

[spacedbabe]

drunk and cheese.

Really drunk right now. It’s 4:19 PM. I love it. This is early for me.

Eating cheese and crackers. So fresh, so good. Mozarella and ibireco and other spanish cheeses with some San Francisco fresh sourdough, mmmmm I may be running my mouth thinking this is divine, a 27 year old who hasn’t lived, but yes, I am enjoying it, every second of the salty yet fresh bread and cheese.

[spacedbabe]

I haven’t written a real post in a hot second, so here goes nothing.

Here are things I really want to do:

Meditate more

Learn Spanish

Get a job

Take accounting classes/independent study

Keep writing

I guess I can narrow it down to these two categories: self-improvement and work/fun. 

Self Improvement                Work/Fun Meditate                                Job Spanish                                 Accounting Classes Writing                                   Writing

Kewl. I feel better writing that out.

Now let’s break it down more. Self-Improvement Meditation: I want to meditate more because I do notice a difference when I meditate. I learn how to breathe. I can be more calm. My mind is at ease. I can release tension easier when I notice it. It’s amazing, it feels amazing, and it’s only going to bring amazing things into my life. Plus, I love guided meditations, and a lot of them do bring me happiness, calmness, and a sense of loving-kindness toward the world when I’m not feeling so hot. Spanish: I’ve always enjoyed the Spanish language and I really do want to get in touch with my roots more. I want to speak more to people as I learn more, but I first want to get more of the basics down. I know quite a bit, but I just can’t speak it, and I don’t want that to be an issue anymore. I want to learn, so I’m going to learn! Plus, it would be great to be able to speak to my family back in Nicaragua and Los Angeles. Maybe I can even find a job easier.

[spacedbabe]

1:28 PM

This last week has been such an awesome week. Reunited with my love after several months long distance and have been catching up and organizing our new living space. It has been rad. It has been rad.

[spacedbabe]

8:25 PM.

Tonight is my last night sleeping alone. 

Ry comes back tomorrow. Actually, Ry comes back in approximately 15 hours. I am more than excited. I don’t know how to keep myself calm other than enjoying music and a few glasses of wine. Perhaps I’ll dance myself to an exhaustive sleep, maybe I’ll find a movie or a new tv show to watch. We’ll see. The night is young. It is only 8:25 PM. 

[spacedbabe]

7:28 PM

I wish I was the daughter you wanted and the daughter you kept wanting to pamper well into her life. I used to be your everything, but now you’re just a shell; blaming me for things that were out of my control and disowning me for things you could not believe were true.

I wish I didn’t feel the strong urgency to leave, and I wish I felt comfortable around you. I wish the love I feel as an adult was the same love I felt from you as a child. But that love is no more.

[spacedbabe]

8:29 PM

R,  I’m so excited to see you again.

I’m so excited to close the gap

I’m so excited to be with you again.

I’m so excited to be your partner. 

I’m so excited to have this apartment with you.

I’m so excited to share my life with you.

This is it, hunny.

I love you.

[spacedbabe]

6:11 AM

soulmates. I love that word. 

I love the Ariana Grande song Pete Davidson where she sings, “and I know you know that you’re my soulmate and all that,” and you know when to play that song when I’m putting my makeup on in the bathroom to come out and surprise you with a little sexy somethin’.

I love that you cheer me on everysingleday ever since we met. I love that I was able to be open with you about my then-work issues and you didn’t judge me- you cringed when I cringed, you winced when I winced, and you weren’t mimicking me. You were feeling what I was feeling. and I was feeling what you were feeling. I think we were really feeling each other. I know I’m still feeling you and will for the rest of my life.

Throughout the day, I keep thinking of things like, “Can my ‘something blue’ be the heels I bought from Ross one day to wear for date night that night but ended up wearing them everywhere for several weeks?” and, “Are we both going to just fall in love with the stray cats in whatever neighborhood we end up in next, and what are we going to name them?” I’m personally gunnin’ for Spears and Britney, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

I’m still torn on whether or not I should invest in a Keurig for when you get here... I mean, you like pour-over and I have no taste buds, so why would I invest in something when pour-over is fun and still convenient for us? You’re teaching me about the finer things in life. Philz > Starbucks.

I loved our first kiss. I’ve never wanted someone to kiss me so bad. You were just so kind, so thoughtful, so funny, so intelligent. I loved talking with you and the hours seemed to pass so quickly- we missed our midnight kiss and kissed passed 1am or something, but we were just having that good of a time just talking. I think it was natural. I loved it. I can’t wait until this next New Years Eve, something tells me we’re just going to have a wonderful, low-key celebration full of love and kisses.

I love you. And I’m going to love you forever. 

[spacedbabe]

9:15 PM

You make it very hard for me to love myself when you continue to drag me down everyday. To pretend to be my friend, then say something untrue and ready to start a fight with me if I argue. I walk away and you still get mad. There’s no winning.

I wish to grow, and I wish to not be angry at this anymore. I need to let go and trust in all the love I have in my heart. This is all I’ve ever known and I no longer want to live this way. I will get better.

Here is to love, healing, and growing.

[spacedbabe]

7:10 AM

I don’t know how to thank my boyfriend for helping me during this hard time I’m facing. I wish I could do the same, but I know I can “repay” him by just being my honest, best self.

He’s the most genuine soul. I know it’s not a monetary thing, as we simply just want enough to live our simple lives, but I sure will pay him back. I know it’s truly about the love. I guess that’s another reason why I’m so speechless.

I’m not used to the love and support. I want to be, and I sure as hell hope I’m also supportive and loving to him, as well. It feels nearly impossible to be there sometimes, when all I know he wants is a big hug, or a massage for his jaw on his bad days. Watching a movie. Drinking hot cocoa. Heating up leftovers. I know I want a big hug, I want to massage him, and I want to watch a movie. I want that cocoa. I want those leftovers. I want that life with him, and I know that love is plenty. 

The way he comforts me when I’m stressed out over my medicine, or when I’m having an off day with family, or am bored out of my mind. Some days I feel guilty that he does so much for me. I want to give him everything, too. 

It’s funny, I never actually felt this way until he left. In this case, yes, distance does make the heart grow stronger, but fuck that noise-- I want my boyfriend back.

[ggsbsbdbd-deactivated20191015]

[evilmoved-deactivated20240213]

[spacedbabe]

Well if this isn’t my cat.

[spacedbabe]

1:22 PM

I want to see these things as challenges.

It’s not being too depressed to eat, it’s intermittent fasting/OMAD

It’s not unemployment, it’s taking a much needed break into a career change.

[spacedbabe]

10:06 AM

I’ve been living in what I call “temporary housing” for these last few months. I’ve had about five addresses within the last 2 months and I’m still unsure of where I’ll be living. I’d like to know. I’d like to figure it out. I’d like to get a job. I’d like to see employers give me a chance. I’m trying. I’m trying my hardest.

I’m just so exhausted.

[sh0e-gazer]

may i be happy. may i be safe and protected. may i be healthy. may i be at peace. may i live with the ease of well being.

may you be happy. may you be safe and protected. may you be healthy. may you be at peace. may you live with the ease of well being.

may we be happy. may we be safe and protected. may we be healthy. may we be at peace. may we live with the ease of well being

[spacedbabe]

[spacedbabe]

7:41 AM

A useless thing about depression is the inability to do things that you should be doing on a daily basis. Brushing your hair, taking a shower, and eating three meals a day are all big maybes in my book during my episodes.

I couldn’t tell you the last time I showered. Last Tuesday? Hopefully. Any longer and I’ll cry. Weed’s almost gone, my biggest crutch. Got enough for one last good high before one of my infamous naps.

Sometimes I wish someone would take my hand and just tell me “no.” and drag me out of this. I literally need someone to help me out of this, and I know once my boyfriend’s back from the East Coast, he’ll be able to help me more.

I guess that’s also a big part of my depression. Long distance. Possible, but not really nice when you’re unemployed and broke.