what’s your deal?
I cant quite pin it, you’re very smart, I’ll give ya that. But was this all for naught? I know I am not yours, I never claimed to be. But don’t treat me well and then rip the rug from under me. Don’t make me laugh and kiss me gently in the secret moments we share at work. And then treat me like I am not special. It’s like you cant help yourself. You’re constantly teetering between loving me and letting me know I am not wanted or needed. You’re so cold sometimes. so icy. Just today you said that you’d rather me not say anything at all because “apologizing doesn’t do much”. First of all, fuck you. I wasn’t apologizing when I said I was sorry that you were restless, asshole. I was offering my condolences. Because I can’t imagine how miserable it must be sometimes to have to work yourself to death in order to sleep at night.
I realize that condolences aren’t as effective as you (nor I) would like them to be but as I said earlier, words are usually all I have to offer you. I don’t want you to feel alone. And although I am not experiencing the same things you are, I recognize how they affect you and I care enough about you to ask questions such as; have you had a sleep study, do you take medication, what does your mom think of your work habits? It’s like...you never stop to smell the roses because you’re too busy cutting mine in half. And by the way, I find it really ironic how you told me in the stillness of your car how much you love that I am always in a good mood and always happy, when you do nothing to contribute to my happiness. You never say hi to me at work but you don’t mind yelling “look at that ass” after me when you’re with your friends. You’re 24. What the fuck are you doing? Where are you going? and why am I still so into you? your smile makes me smile and I can always tell when you’re extra tired. I love that you’re sour and call me out on my bullshit. But everything in between has been hurting me. I am always attracted to guys you don’t give me their all, because that only makes me want to work extra hard and be extra good so that I can get it. But I never do. The effort is never reciprocated.
And by effort, please dont get me wrong, I acknowledge that you and I have been texting for the majority of our days, everyday for the past two months. And all three times we’ve hung out you have picked me up in the town over and paid for my meals. And for that, thank you. But unfortunately, my love, that is the bare minimum. And even I, a love-blind idiot, can see that.
So I am making another unspoken deal with you right here, right now. I am willing to let you go. I dont want to, obviously. But I think that I need more than you’re able to give me. And that’s ok. I have already emotionally prepared myself for you to pretend not to care when we finally part ways. If we ever do completely. Which, over course, I hope we dont. I want to stay friends. I like you as a person, I might even love you. But it just...doesn’t seem like you like me all that much :/ you’re not that nice to me. And maybe that’s just who you truly are, in that case, I will feel even better and more at ease with letting you go. But if there is any shrivel of realness and love and vulnerability that you have to offer me, fucking GIVE IT TO ME. I deserve it. I am not saying give me your all, at once. But what I am asking is for you to handle my emotions with care the same way I do yours. And for you to give me credit where it’s due. You’re not the easiest person to bond with or get to know. You say some genuinely hurtful shit sometimes and I have already accepted the fact that you just will never be as pleased to see me as I am to see you.
I don’t really know what the point of this was, I guess to let you know that if you don’t get your shit together, I’m out. And I will go from keeping you at the center and fucking some dudes on the side, to you not even being in my rotation. That’s not a threat, or a brag,as if my circle is just “the place” to be. But what I am saying is that I have a lot to offer and I’ve treated you really well. And I deserve the same.
-T
