Allow me to start by complimenting you both. I very much enjoy both of your blogs. When I came upon them a few months ago, they were an oasis in that you and cynicaldom seemed to have a dynamic similar to the one my wife and I share. That is, we are not at all dungeons and leather and strict protocols and slave positions. For lack of a better word, we are a totally “normal” husband and wife raising kids in the suburbs… at least we appear that way on the outside. (Part 1)
But inside our dynamic, things are very different than those around us. She has rules, there are punishments, I am the leader or HOH, and we have kinky sex. We have been doing this for two years now. I sense I’m a bit of an outlier in that I’m a man who discovered D/s and brought it to his wife. From my research, it seems to be the woman or the submissive who stumbles upon D/s and struggles for a way to broach the subject with their boyfriend or husband. (part 2)
I was well into my research and practice of D/s when I discovered your blog but it quickly became one of my favorites. Now, I click on your blogs first thing in the morning. I especially love and appreciate the work you’ve been doing on your podcast. I know others have shared this with you but hearing your voices and the ease of your rapport with each other confirmed my feelings that you and cyncialdom are a similar version of us… Part 3
which goes a long way because sometimes I worry that this D/s thing is a little too weird or out there for a suburban husband and wife raising a family. Okay… now to the point. I would like to submit some suggestions for topics to be considered for your podcast. 1. As I mentioned, I am the one who brought this dynamic to my wife. She has been incredible in taking this journey with me and has really grown into it. Initially, she was fearful that we would lose the “us” that she loved. Part 4
See, we did not have a bad relationship, quite the opposite, we’ve been married a decade and things have always been very good. Sure we’ve had our issues but we are not a case where D/s “saved” our marriage. No doubt it has enhanced it considerably and definitely improved it. While in the beginning she was trepidatious for fear of losing us or unnecessarily challenging our relationship… she now sees that this dynamic has made us stronger and really ignited things in the bedroom. Part 5
In her own words she feels more confident, beautiful, sexy and powerful since becoming D/s. All of this is great, however, I can’t help but sometimes feel that she is doing it for me. That it is not something she needs. She says otherwise and I try to take her at her word but when she struggles to submit or fails to live up to her rules and then complains about getting punished or even can’t believe that I’m really going to spank her for an infraction… the doubt seeps in. Part 7
I start to think that for her this is just play. Because having it be play doesn’t work for me. It needs to be real otherwise it feels fake or like role play. We’ve discussed it and she insists it’s not but when she doesn’t take her rules seriously, again the doubt creeps in. Any advice here?
2. Since I am the one who stumbled upon this, I am the one who did the research and figured out how to do D/s. I brought her along with baby steps. At times I’ve encouraged her to do some research herself but she has yet to. She’s shy and reserved and I think uneasy looking into this stuff. She’s only comfortable being kinky like this with me. She’s not comfortable researching it on her own. Yet, I think we would grow more in our dynamic if she would.
I also think I would have a better sense of what she wants out of our D/s if she looked into it herself more. My sense is that you have both done extensive research on D/s. Do you think it’s essential that my wife do her own research? Do you think it’s important? What’s interesting is she says that she sees me as the leader so she just assumes that I will lead us in our D/s so there’s no need for her to research it. See what she did there?
3. While we are 24/7 D/s ours is a pretty causal version. She has rules and expectations. While I punish her from time to time with spankings for infractions I am not 100% consistent. Part of that is because I sense in the moment that if I were to punish her, she would have a very negative reaction and maybe want to stop D/s. She says no, but that’s my sense in the moment.
Also, admittedly, it is still sometimes difficult for me to take her over my knee and give her a real spanking because she forgot to ask permission for her second glass of wine or didn’t complete one of her chores on time. I want to be firm and consistent but we are pretty laid back and fun with each other. I don’t want it to become so super serious that we snuff out the spark with super Dommy Dom behavior. I suppose I’m still finding the balance between when to be laid back and when to enforce. I feel like we’re in a pretty good place with it but I worry that perhaps I should be more consistent… but at the same time, I think being too consistent would be too strict for us. I’m curious… how did you guys find your balance? Thanks for you time. Please keep up your very good work.
We answered this on our podcast:
https://soundcloud.com/overtheknee/did-ds-save-our-relationship
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dailybridgerton
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