Fuck Bus To hobbiton

Mostly fandom stuff Lotr, Good Omens, Witcher, probably others I can’t think of Disabled and Bi🏳️

[the-depressed-comedic-relief]

So since the fandom has come the the (correct) conclusion that Samwise Gamgee is the absolute height of hobbit attractiveness standards, it only follows logically that hobbits see Sam working for Frodo as the middle earth equivalent of your weird eccentric rich neighbor having a hot pool boy. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[freelobotomiesinthebasement]

I’ve been thinking about the important things…

What type of car would LotR/TH characters drive? (TW: mentions of alcohol)

Aragorn -> off white jeep wrangler. The back window is covered in bumper stickers. The seats are white leather. If you get the seats dirty he’ll kick you out. If you call the car white he’ll lecture you about how it’s off white. He gets to control the radio unless you’re Arwen. Stops for all squirrels

Boromir -> Black off-brand Cybertruck that actually work and wasn’t made by a nazi. It has tinted windows. Tries to make it look tough on the outside. On the inside, the seats are covered in crumbs, there’s at least two half drank Red Bulls at all times. No one can touch the radio but the hobbits and Faramir. Road rage to the max.

Faramir -> kind of beat up grey Range Rover. Nothing special about it because he doesn’t want to bother anybody. Definitely picks up hitchhikers, probably tried to help them with their life troubles. Will let you use the radio, won’t judge you. Probably listens to imagine dragons. Follows traffic laws. Keeps his car clean. He’s a very courteous driver. Never honks, never curses.

Frodo -> Green Kia Fiat. Tan leather seats. One of those fuzzy steering wheel covers. Probably has a green worm on a string in that spot under the windshield. Anyone can touch the radio and he won’t judge your music taste because he’s so sweet. Religiously follows traffic laws, even the ones everybody else breaks. Stops for all squirrels. The cops love him.

Gandalf -> permanently borrowed light grey Lamborghini that’s suspiciously good for off roading. It smells like smoke. Need I say more?

Gimli -> vintage stick shift convertible jeep (but like, in a cool way). Definitely has off roading tires. I’d say the car itself is white. It’s somehow still in perfect condition. He probably engages in drag races with it when Legolas is in the car, but other than that he usually obeys most laws. Except he usually has a beer bottle in the console.

Legolas -> Green Outback Subaru. The cars muddy all over, there’s a bow in the backseat. He’ll slap you if you touch it. It smells like the wild animals he gives rides to regularly. Definitely has one of those tree air fresheners. Lots of bumper stickers. Probably at least one plant. He won’t let anyone touch the radio and only listens to the most obscure music ever. If he gets pulled over, he definitely starts insulting the cops on their driving skills, giving them a whole list of ways they could do better. Breaks for literal bugs. Has jumped out of his car to look at a cool tree before. More than once.

Merry and Pippin -> they own a beat up Prius together. They try to ram people off the road with it. They succeed more than they should considering they drive a Prius. What are traffic laws? They don’t know. Beer cans in the center console. At least ten more on the floor.

Sam -> Minivan, probably silver. Full of crumbs that are NOT his. The drivers seat is clean and nowhere else. He’s basically always the designated driver. Definitely uses car air fresheners. Has anything you could need in the center console. Cops love him, never pulled over, when he is he always pays and apologizes, probably gives them cookies or some shit too.

Bilbo -> red Mini Cooper convertible. Road rage almost as bad as Boromir. Sings along to the radio. Always has some kind of food. Has tree air freshener. Gas tank always full.

Thorin -> Black toyota tundra. Family bumper sticker on back. Truck bed is empty, he lets Kili and Fili ride in it sometimes. Sword in the front passenger seat. He’ll only move it for Bilbo. Hella road rage. Has probably rammed someone before. Multiple someone’s. Knows where all the speed traps are (Bilbo found out and told him) and avoids them. Cars probably muddy af from off roading.

Kili -> gold motorcycle with cringe bumper stickers. Muddy as hell, doesn’t know what a helmet is. Regularly tries to drag race cops. Has won multiple times. Definitely does wheelies to impress girls. Actually pretty good rider. Not by the laws standards though. Was offered a car but liked his motorcycle better.

Fili -> matte gold BMW. Great driver, just don’t ask the police. Loves off roading in it. Keeps it actually clean. Goes through police chases for fun. Little bit of road rage. Definitely drifts regularly. Always has it in turbo mode. Always. Probably has a tower of Pizza Hut boxes in the trunk.

Thranduil -> bright gold Bugatti with rainbow strobe led lights wrapped around on the floor. Bottle of champagne in the console, perpetually. Says he’s not drinking it but the bottles half empty and there’s no cork in sight. Blaring basic white girl pop. Also in the center console: a hair brush, moisturizer, sunscreen, and party glasses. You will get slapped if you touch he radio. Only bard can ride in it with him now that Legolas has a car.

Bard -> also a motorcycle guy, except it’s because he couldn’t afford a car and now Thranduil drives him most places. He has a little bit of road rage and probably runs on solely caffeine while driving. Usually has grocery bags and stuff hanging from the handle bars. Does not follow traffic laws he thinks are stupid. Not reckless on the motorcycle. Wears proper safety gear.

[lsd-astronaut]

Random headcanons of the fellowship bc I'm bored (mix of modern & canon)

✨Frodo

Scares the shit out of people by staring them directly in the eye without blinking but if you looked inside his mind, it'd be a rotating PNG of a fish, he just dissociates a lot

Would absolutely steal stuff in Claire's. He's really good at it.

Doesn't smoke, yet he is the one who gets asked the most out of the four hobbits for a light.

He strikes me as a stomach problems & back pain girlie.

🌻Sam

He looks like a bread guy for me. I like bread.

Full on conversations with his plants. Mainly gossip about the Shire, and how dashing Mister Frodo was looking today, can you believe it?

The only hobbit with a driving license (Frodo can't bc of depression and dissociation; Merry got pulled over and got his license revoked for having weed in his car; Pippin is a minor).

🍁Merry

You know these videos where a girl (usually) records her partner while they're cuddling and he's so whiny and talking like a princess, and suddenly he sees the phone and forces his voice like three octaves lower? Yeah...

Narrates everything that everyone in the fellowship does during the journey like it's a nature documentary. Stopped pretty quickly after Moria.

The Walter White of Middle Earth if he could get away with it, let's be honest.

🌱Pippin

Had a phase where he ate anything he saw. Mainly stopped after Merry made him cry by teasing him that if he kept eating ants, they would eat him from inside out. He still munches on flowers when he's bored. Aragorn has given up on telling him to be careful in case one is poisonous, but Boromir suffers mini heart attacks daily.

Accidentally mansplains to everyone he knows but that's because he gets very excited with his hyperfixations! He has no idea why he doesn't have any luck in love, and Merry is like "dude shut the fuck up..."

Is like these children who will constantly ask "why" to their parents, and Boromir tries to be nice and genuine for him but he eventually gets tired. "But, why?" "Because I fucking said so!" "Okay... but why?"

I feel like he cries pretty easily about everything and anything. He is just very sensitive, and feels emotions really strongly.

🗡️Aragorn

Hates parties; when he is forced to attend one, he will sit in one corner and sip on his drink. Gets really drunk and texts Arwen. "How was the party, meleth nín?" "Me, yes."

Hyperfixates on the weirdest things like Pippin, but his autism shows in the most deadpan way possible so he just stands there like "i like swords" and will emotionlessly list you all the characteristics of your weapon of choice. If you looked inside his mind, you'd see he is REALLY excited. He just doesn't know how to show it.

🏹Legolas

For some reason, I feel like he'd know a super random skill? Like ventriloquism. Recreates the "hi my name is snapple" video with Gimli just to fuck with him.

Can actually whistle with a leaf, idk how he does this, but it's the only 'instrument' he can play (apart from his voice if you want to get nitpicky with me) lol this elf does not have a single musical bone.

⛏️Gimli

Crystal girlie. Gives Frodo an encyclopaedia on all the types of healing properties and characteristics of every kind of gem and stone.

Really good medical skills. The rest of the fellowship regularly forget his uncle is Oín, so they're dumbfounded when Gimli gives advice to Aragorn, who is the only one that isn't surprised and actually listens to him when patching up Frodo lmfao

🛡️Boromir

Talks like someone out of a Shakespeare play and is dumbfounded when everyone in the fellowship is like "sup bro"

Keeps a heart locket with a picture of Faramir he likes to show like a proud dad does with his kids' wallet photos. Faramir was horrified when he learned of this and stopped talking to him for a month

Took to the hobbits like a dad who says he doesn't want a dog and then they're inseparable. Says he doesn't have favourites but Merry and Pippin remind him of Faramir and him when they were kids.

[animentality]

[kiis1k]

-

Nothing wrong with a mid-quest-hot-spring-nap with the bros after sprinting like 7 consecutive marathons 🤍🤍

-

[emmathefanficgal]

LOTR and Hobbit characters and cats -

Absurd headcanon

Warning : this is not serious. this was made out of whim, late at night. not editing done. Just for fun. And not all of them are funny anyway. You've been warned! - Feel free to add characters and headcanon. I forgot a few : Haldir, Hama, Theoden, Saruman, Treebeard and so on. I hope you will all have fun and play with this! (OC welcome - thinking of my moots with awesome OC).

Cirdan The cats roam freely in the Grey Haven as if they owned the place. Cirdan find them amusing and charming when he gets to pet them. Of course, what he does not know is that they tolerate him because he’s a great fisherman. And a good back scratcher.

Galadriel While there are not many felines in the Golden Forest, each time she is somewhere where there’s one (or two, or three) the cats are drawn to her and vice-versa. As a matter of fact, the cats consider her to be one of their kind. She does not correct them.

Celeborn There is no cat in Lothlorien. On the other hand, when there are cats, he has to tolerate them for Galadriel’s sake. Although, the truth is that they tolerate him because Galadriel shares her bed with him.

Elrond Rivendell had been free of felines for a while. Then, and he never found out how, they began to suddenly appear all around. Mostly around supper. They’re discreet and great pest hunters which he appreciate for his books sake. Although he would never admit it, he kind of like when they come and sleep in his lap while he sips his tea.

Aragorn learned to admire and respect cats as they can survive pretty much everywhere. As king, admits that cats are useful. But he does not like to share their bed with one of them, even Arwen’s pet. On the other hand, he relishes when the pet come in his lap to nap while he is smoking his pipe.

Arwen Since in Minas Tirith, she has adopted a few. Arwen is terribly jealous of their affection. She does not like when she finds out they nap on Aragorn’s lap, pretexting they smell like smoke. Aragorn only smiles which infuriates her.

Imrahil Cats hunt pests in stable, in kitchen, protect grain. He will tolerates cats. But they belong outside. On the other hand, he is actively ignoring the ginger fur transgression living in Lothiriel’s room. Relieved she left with it.

Lothiriel Positively delighted to realize cats prefer her lap to Arwen’s. Brings her pet with her in Rohan. Finds hilarious that Eomer is taking personally its presence in the bed and is jealous of the poor thing.

Eomer Blasted animals. Should stay in the barn and stable to hunt rats and mouse. Not in a bed. And certainly not between him and his queen when he wants privacy. Eomer is convinced the thing is plotting his demise. Always trying to steal his side of the bed.

Eowyn Cats were great listener when she was young. Once, one of them clawed Grima. She was delighted to see her little hero flee alive. Since in Ithilien, she has begun feeding the strays. She considers a high honor if one of them chooses to nap at her side.

Faramir Admires their independent spirit and intelligence. Consider them like a good blade: useful and dangerous. Will never admit he is a bit afraid of them. But if Eowyn loves them, he will say nothing. He is just relieved she does not bring them in.

Denethor Never could stand the little buggers. Tolerated them when his wife was alive but that was the best he could do. While he recognizes their usefulness he is terribly allergic to them.

Boromir Does not seem to care about the furry things. Until he is home. Where an old stray is waiting for him. Gave him food and a warm place to stay. Melted the first time the old cat came to sleep with him. Will never admit the cat makes him happy.

Gandalf Keeps a safe distance between him and them. They tend to appear out of nowhere and they don’t even have magic. He can’t even buy them with food.

Bilbo Find them amusing when chasing his smoke rings, love to watch them sleep in the sunny spot in the garden. Chase them away when they hunt the butterflies.

Sam Stupid animals. They dig in the garden and poison the flowers. And they don’t even like potatoes.

Frodo Good reading companions. Not very trustworthy with food. Love to climb in trees with him. Really good nap companions.

Pippin Cats are the evilest things after the ringwraiths. Did you see their eyes when they follow you in the night? Did you hear them meow after you in the night? That and their claws…

Merry Fights hard not to laugh each time Pippin speak about cats. Got a few scars out of the whole adventure but well worth it when seeing Pippin’s terrified face.

Thorin There is only one king under the mountain. And it won’t be a cat!

Thranduil He is the only one with the right of being fabulous. And this is HIS throne! Cats are not welcome in his palace.

Gimli Dwarves hate pests. But wild cats roaming unchecked underground? Unacceptable. What do you mean, he has adopted one? Don’t be ridiculous, he only keeps it in his room to hunt the rats that would eat his bed linen!

Legolas Never really got close of cats while in Mirkwood. Can’t understand why people would want to sleep with them when they're doing such noises. What was the great idea for Gimli to call his cat like him anyway?

[lsd-astronaut]

Books the LoTR characters would read:

First of all, a disclaimer: this is my own opinion and I will not care if you think otherwise. Second of all, I always gift books to my friends and family, and I've never got a complaint, so that has to count for something. I'm also putting some of my favourite books but that's just me of course ♡

Frodo:

Sloggiest classical high fantasy books you can find. Yknow these '90s fantasy books with like eleven books in a series, and each book is at least 500 pages long? He would love that.

I'm currently reading the first book of Crown of Stars (seven books baby), which is like an alternate fantasy medieval Europe, with lots of details and research done and it's super gritty and entertaining. Frodo would inhale that. The rest of the Fellowship are worried for him, they haven't seen him in days.

Sam:

Fantasy and poetry because he's cool like that.

Something not to complicated like Uprooted by Naomi Novik, and then he will surprise you by reading something super dark like Blood Over Bright Haven by M.L. Wang.

Also really likes literary fiction. Idk he strikes me as someone who would like reading about people's lives, and a plot where the action is less important than the characters evolution. Tried to read weird lit but didn't like that the main themes were rot and body fluids, it reminds him of Frodo during the Quest.

Merry:

I'm basing this on personal experience; but every time I see a cute guy either on the bus or on the Friday train, they'll be reading something like Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, or something by Hemingway, which does not strike trust, and it's a bit pretentious and on the nose. Like are you really reading Marcel Proust for fun? Be honest with me, my guy, you looked gay (for legal reasons this is a joke).

He likes non-fiction. Some of the books he has are Tristes Tropiques by Claude Lévi-Strauss; Folie et déraison by Michel Foucault; and he once even started talking about how he didn't really agree with Freud's Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis. The glare that the rest of the Fellowship gave him could have killed Sauron on the spot.

Pippin:

I doubt his AuDHD allows him to read anything really dense (or maybe he hyperfixates so badly that he reads one book in less than 12 hours who knows)

Graphic novels and comics are a must in his bookshelf! Eventually becomes a Marvel brainrot fan, to the dismay of everyone else, especially Aragorn who has to pay for the merch.

YA fantasy bc I'm taking into account his age. Percy Jackson hyperfixation and that's why he's gay now (again a joke)

Aragorn:

Romantasy but not of his own volition, he is just a really good partner, and Arwen seems to me like a romantasy girlie. Poor guy has been forced to read A Court of Thorns and Roses, and Fourth Wing, and Powerless. Put the limit at Colleen Hoover (not saying that Arwen likes her either, she just likes to make Aragorn suffer like a good gf). Will deny again and again to the rest of the Fellowship that he likes any of these books, and once even drew his sword at Boromir.

Legolas:

These random ass raunchy period romance books you find on your mother's bookcase just lying there and you read them out of curiosity and end up learning about things you should not be aware of yet, and they're not even written well but you can't stop reading. Chick lit, if you want.

Has read the Bridgerton books multiple times.

Gimli:

Science fiction. Gets really nerdy about alien invasions, but it's not like he believes in any conspiracy theory of course. Legolas barely understands what he's talking about half of the time but who cares when your boyfriend is that cute.

He loves and actually understands pretty well space operas. The Final Architecture trilogy by Adrian Tchaikovsky, and Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir are favourites of his.

Boromir:

Sports romance. HOCKEY. He just likes the whole "turn off your brain to enjoy this" honestly, he needs a break sometimes of course!

Read Vampire Academy out of curiosity and really liked it, though he does admit it and Faramir will act like he doesn't know him (it's actually a good saga I'm sorry okay)

Faramir:

This guy right here owns the entire Realm of the Elderlings book saga. It pains me to admit that he would relate a lot with Fitz.

Heartstopper by Alice Oseman because he's not dead inside, okay?

Éowyn:

Really basic sorry but she is a Hunger Games girlie through and through.

Actually, I feel she would like dystopian fiction a lot. Has watched Divergent (only the first movie, the rest are trash) with Faramir more times than she can count. Faramir gets cold sweats whenever he hears something that reminds him of the movie (he knows the dialogues by heart)

Éomer:

Yes, yes, I know Rohirrim don't read or write, BUT he would own all the Valdemar books by Mercedes Lackey. Why, do you ask? Well, purely because it's a fantasy series of mages that are Chosen by their Companions, which are white horses. And Éomer is a good ol' horse girl so what more could he ask for.

[holybagelsstuff]

Listen. Listen.

Sauron should have been obsessed with Frodo.

He's all-powerful. He can have anyone under his control simply by getting into their heads and learning their hidden desires. Sauron is the best when it comes to exposing corruption within souls, even if it's someone who's generally known as a good person. One push from Sauron and their true nature comes to the surface.

But Frodo is different. He has what other victims of Sauron don't. Purity. He endures all the pain the One Ring makes him go through and Sauron feeds off it. It's the most delicious nutriment for the creature of darkness. He wants to own this goodness, this light, but he can't, and it's driving him insane.

I'm kind of disappointed they didn't really show this in the trilogy. When you think about it, Sauron should watch Frodo's every step. Use every opportunity to whisper horrid things in his ear to make him bend. Keep him up at night and never let him rest until Frodo realizes where he belongs. He should want him so, so badly.

His goal was to get his precious back, but the real prize was not the ring. It was this little Hobbit.

[live-laugh-legolas]

hey ya me again !

Ringtones, notifications and alarm sounds/songs/phrases for the fellowship!

Ready set go!

Moo~Moo~🍓🐄!

This is so random. I love it.

The fellowship’s notifications

Aragorn:

-No sounds

-Only vibrations

-Is annoyed by other people’s notifications

-Some basic ass bitch alarm; and just one, but he will press snooze a few times

Legolas:

-Probably some custom sound that is so high frequency only elves can hear

-Doesn’t have an alarm sound because he doesn’t set alarms

Gimli:

-Short and loud

-Just like him

-Dog barking alarm; best way to ensure you wake up is to scare yourself awake

Boromir:

-Text tone is “fanfare”

-It makes him feel important

-Some sort of horn alarm

Frodo:

-The basics

-He never bothered to change it from the default

-Stopped setting alarms because they didn’t wake him

Sam:

-Something with a little jingle

-But his phone would always be on silent because it annoys him but he doesn’t change it

-Lots of alarms but usually gets up and turns them off because he doesn’t end up needing them

Merry:

-Has a different sound for everyone

-Different texts and calls

-Some of them are honestly obnoxious

-Has an alarm clock; stands by that getting out of bed to turn off an alarm is better than a phone

Pippin:

-The longest text tone he can get

-Just to annoy people

-And jam out instead of answering

-100 alarms all different sounds just in hopes he will wake up

Gandalf:

-He lost his phone a long time ago

-He doesn’t know what sound it makes

-Wouldn’t answer anyway

-If he wakes up to someone else’s alarm he will be very grumpy

-Doesn’t set his own unless he really needs to get up at a certain time

[beepbeeplesbian]

Happy birthday Samwise Gamgee!!

[oatmealaddiction]

I do wish people knew more about Book!Frodo vs. Movie!Frodo. Like, I love Elijah Wood and I love his performance but Book!Frodo is a lot more scrappy and not quite as pure of heart, despite still being a pretty nice guy. Because it leads to a lot of fanon that because Frodo is quiet and nice, he's therefore helpless, sanctimonious, and childlike.

Like Frodo is probably the most polite of the four hobbits, but he's also the oldest. A lot of his interactions with Merry and Pippin specifically read like he's an older and wiser big brother who enjoys teasing them. The movie kinda acts like Frodo is naive to a lot of Merry and Pippin's hijinks, but the books are clear that Frodo was also out there stealing crops from Farmer Magot, and it was probably his idea in the first place.

He's not above practical jokes, or being petty, or losing his temper. When they first set out from the Shire, a cute character detail is Frodo choosing to wake up everybody in kind of funny ways, scaring Sam awake by making him think he's slept in and is late for work, and yanking Pippin's blankets and basically rolling him down a hill. He's king of veiled insults and trying to let out his depression in funny ways like saying "Let's not worry about tomorrow, it probably won't come." Like when Sam thinks Frodo's messing with him when he starts saying Sam should be called the Stout-Hearted, it's not like there isn't a precedent for that kind of thing.

The movie also omits a lot of Frodo's badass moments and qualities, like when he manages to just barely cut the Witch King of Angmar on Weathertop, or when he makes his stand at the River while being chased by Nazgûl, or when he slices off the arm of the Barrow-wight, or when he confronts Sarumon. He also is the only of the four hobbits who can speak some elvish and is definitely the most worldly because he's spent so long with Bilbo. Usually most of the hobbits look to Frodo for advice or guidance.

And to be clear, he is nice and modest and very polite and compassionate towards others. Like he's always making an effort to be kind. But he has layers, and is a mature adult who I think is reduced by a lot of his sweet cinnamon roll characterization. In actuality he's more like cool older bro who lets you stay up late when he babysits and who's trying not to let anyone else know he's in the middle of a break down.

[illegally-blind-and-deaf]

my favourite LOTR thought at the moment is how absolutely confused Samwise Gamgee must have been when he truly met Peregrin Took for the first time. Of course he'd seen Pippin before, but he'd never actually interacted with him because Sam is just a humble gardener, while Pippin is the heir to the richest and most influential family in the whole Shire.

Poor Sam was most probably expecting a well-mannered young hobbit with very nice clothing (and perhaps a snobbish attitude), someone like Mr Frodo, or perhaps even quiet, calm Meriadoc Brandybuck. While both have a mischievous streak, they're still well-to-do and obviously so in how they act and dress and interact with one another.

There is absolutely no way he was expecting an absolutely feral hobbit-child with far too much energy and a mouth that prattles on a-mile-a-minute about absolutely everything his mind comes across. Or Pippin's favourite hobby of singing loudly in every possible scenario, or vanishing off to climb a tree or catch a fish in a nearby brook. Bare-handed.

This concept is absolutely hilarious to me and I honestly need more Sam and Pippin interactions, especially at the start of the journey when they're walking to Buckland.

[pipis-took]

70s AU Frodo and Sam!

[bearflock]

Samfro fluff 🌈​🩷​🥰​

[louff4tw]

The one Ring to Sam: want power beyond belief?

Sam: nah I’m just a little guy

The Ring: massive garden?

Sam: to much work. Would have to hire people. I’m good with my garden

The Ring: frustrated scream

[cuntlijah]

Peak Samwise performance (mean mugging, one arm over his boo, other hand arm ready to grab weapon). he has killed and would do it again!

[mind-of-many-things]

I've go a headcannon that when a hobbit has a sock or bandage or something around their foot, they will stop every few steps and shake the offending foot out like a cat with tape on its paw.

One of the fellowship hobbits gets their foot bandaged, because sharp rocks, and:

Boromir and Aragorn walking behind the hobbit, watching him flap his foot every few paces:

Boromir leaning into Aragorns' side: why is he doing that?

Aragorn, squinting slightly: I don't know...

Boromir: kind of like a cat with leave stick to it's foot

Aragorn, remembering the hobbits sleep in a pile: yeaa, like cats

Meanwhile the hobbit in question: foaming at the mouth