2012 emo, 21 yrs old

spilling my guts on the internet in a futile attempt to feel something

[spooky-ghost-chick]

it was an ok morning til my manager told me i got fired bc im "too distant"

ny bad i didnt want to announce wanting to fucking die to my coworkers i don't even like

[spooky-ghost-chick]

if you told me 9 years ago that is was all down hill from there

i wouldve asked for a fucking refund

[spooky-ghost-chick]

do you know what its like to feel everything at once;

feeling every pain, like the tip of a knife devouring your feeble existence?

when you loved and trust someone with your very being, and you're very becoming the object of your own destruction?

do you know what it's like to feel nothing;

with no memories of the days you pass, no hopes for the days of the future?

crawling through each endless day like a ghost of what you once were?

my existence is the personification of the dichotomy between

begging to go numb until the storm is over

and

begging to feel the rain on my skin.

[spooky-ghost-chick]

i exist as nothing

in a time and space that has no demand for me.

 my existence is defined by my use

and how useful I am to those around me.

 emotional support

mental support

physical support

something fun.

 to ignore my humanity and assign a physical label

that cannot possibly encapsulate my existence.

cannot possibly describe my heart

and cannot possibly define the love i radiate

 instead existing as an object

as something to use for comfort

when youre sad

alone

or horny.

 nary to my problems matter

nary does my pain hurt

nary do i feel what its like to be alive.

 i am not alive

and i exist as a personification of loneliness,

of sadness isolation desperation and fantasy.

 my existence and purpose lies not with who i am

or what i am

 rather

who i am

and what i am

to those around me.

 i am not me. i am not what i think i am.

i am yours. i am his. i am hers.

i am everyone’s.

 i am everyone’s

except my own.

 i do not know who i am

outside of the happiness

i bring others.

 i am nothing

but the happiness

i bring others.

 i am nothing

but what i can provide

 i am nothing

but how others view me

 i

am

nothing.

[spooky-ghost-chick]

the artist is the most forgotten and under appreciated the composer of a song or the creator of a movie are often forget in the product theyve created.

we make a movie we make a play we make a musicial we make a song.

everyone who views it sees the work they do not see the artit they do not see the composition they do not see the person whose pain has driven the story you see on screen

the artist is often forgotten as art is what people want.

the origin is irrelevant as long as it applies to us. the origin doesn't matter if the feelings or experiences apply to us.

the artist the creator the sponge of suffering can crete something you can digest.

the pain is masked quieted silenced and normalized.

the hurt is written in a way that you can understand to get a glimpse of the pain the the artist feels.

to you this is a poem

to me this is an expression of my irreleance.

art to you is me.

art to me is being alive.

[spooky-ghost-chick]

thusly I've succumbed to the emptiness 

[spooky-ghost-chick]

will you twist my vision

into a perfect blur?

will you pull me

under water,

drag me down head first?

[spooky-ghost-chick]

im inactive because my mind is inactive.

i havent been able to form a thought or feeling, differentiate one thing from other, figure out what the fuck to do or what the fuck not to do. i lost my job, lost my boyfriend, he’s coming back but now im so empty and dead inside that i cant even feel a feeling. i was pushed aside and rejected for weeks, left home alone while he went skating with the boys, becoming more and more distant. hes sad that im distant. i dont know how to make this better because he left me, and i fought like hell for weeks and he did nothing. now i gave up and all the sudden he wants to fix it.\

fucking kill me. i cant do this shit anymore i really cant. 

[spooky-ghost-chick]

AHHHHHHHFUCKHELPOHMYGODIMLOSINGMYFUCKINGSHITAHHHHHHH

[spooky-ghost-chick]

do you wanna talk? i just kind of need someone to talk to. i kind of just need to get it out.

i need to talk to someone about my relationship, what's left of it, because i feel like it's crushing me.

i don't even know what's going on, i think i need some time.

i don't know how i feel, like i don't know what i even feel.

i just want to talk to you but i dont even know if you care.

[spooky-ghost-chick]

how can it be so hard to simply make me numb

simply make me feel nothing

simply make me feel nothing

simply make me feel nothing

[spooky-ghost-chick]

it feels like im suffocating

or dying.

im stuck beneath a layer of concrete

screaming

until the air runs out.

i can't think

i need it

i can't sleep

i need it

i can't breathe

i need it

i don't know who i am

i want it

as the smothering

heavy

desperation builds,

the dam withholding the shadow cracks.

the dam cracks

and cracks

and cracks.

the dam breaks.

and im drowning

but drowning in a curse

of my own choosing

of my own preference.

and im left with a feeling of safety

of calm

of quiet.

i love you for what you do.

i love you for who you are.

i love the pair we make together.

i love you for the pain you bring.

i love you for the pain you relieve.

i love you because you hate me.

[spooky-ghost-chick]

my heart is hollow

[spooky-ghost-chick]

gutted

[spooky-ghost-chick]

im numb but it hurts

um tired but i cant sleep

im quiet but im screaming

i do the same thing every day but i have no idea what im doing

i thought i left a trail

but i cant find my way back

[spooky-ghost-chick]

it was an ok morning til my manager told me i got fired bc im "too distant"

ny bad i didnt want to announce wanting to fucking die to my coworkers i don't even like

[spooky-ghost-chick]

im really scared that it wont be better by then. im scared that it will come and pass, with no change. and then how am i supposed to be happy waiting? here alone while youre out there. I'm not happy now, why would i be happy with even less? you ask me to stay, and i want to. you cant ask me to stay forever without making me feel loved.

i havent heard i love you in weeks. ive barely felt your skin on mine and i havent felt your lips once. i havent felt your arms around me or your head on mine. i havent felt you squeeze my hand. ill wait, but i won't wait without you by my side.

..

note #7