Sports Ball for Cool Men

A bunch of idiots playing Final Fantasy 1 in a dumb way because all action is devoid of consequence or meaning.

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Done/Nuzlocke?

Hey! So, those of us who will finish this have finished it- Zane, Brian, and I all made it to the end, and found the experience.... underwhelming. All our parties did pretty well- no real struggles except the very beginning and end maybe. I ended up trying to further gamify this... game by seeing how much damage I could do in a single hit against Chaos just to make it more interesting. So, yeah- it's done, but it was surprisingly lame and did not make for good blog fodder. Sorry! However! I was thinking I could use this blog to document Nuzlocke runs I wanna do...? Would people be into that? Let Me Know! Justice McYaya

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This was a stupid experience that I recommend to no one except idiots. P.S. I know I didn’t update a lot of that, here are the bullet points: - climbed a volcano called Mount Bulgogi or something, probably because a volcano is like a spicy Korean mountain - there is a horse called Nightmare, which is my autobiography - apparently dragons think having a rat’s tail means you are brave, because one time I showed a dragon a rat tail and he said I had courage Sorry I didn’t take more screen grabs, there were a lot of things that didn’t occur to me until the end (like that I could play this game at 300x speed), because above all my particular experience (four thieves/”inevitable ninjas”) was just mind-numbingly dull. There’s no real challenge or strategy to it, save for maybe the last five boss battles where you are just choosing how to attack and spend hi-potions with your remaining dudes. No one do this, it is terrible. Sorry!

[sportsballforcoolmen]

&&&&&

Hey gang- we haven’t been doing great posting real updates lately, and I apologize for this. I haven’t heard updates from most people, but I have two crystals and so far, the game hasn’t really been “hard’ with the Simply Red team, more just..... arduous? Tedious at times? Yeah. I don’t know- but I’ll try to post more of my journey and get people to send me their stuff to post soon! How Are You Guys? Justice McWhatAreYouDoing?

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Sandworm vs. Glovey: Clash of the Titans

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CORAL SWORDDDD

I HAVE A CORAL SWORD

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In less entertaining news than last time, I ran across some parody dwarves who like Finnegan’s Wake I guess. Also I fought a demon not-king called Asstoes and got a key that opens your mythical parent’s porn armoire or whatever. Goodnight,

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Kate's Team: Phishy Effects Basically, it's the default party with a strange restriction I thought up: no HP magic; no restoring HP with white magic, and no drilling damage with black magic or dia or harm or whatever the "hurt undead spell" is called. So, you still have mages, but the can only have blink and poisona and temper and blind and such. So far, she doesn't feel like it's much of a handicap, but it is starting to be something that could be a problem. I guess her biggest complaints are that it isn't Pokemon and there aren't escape ropes and fly and such, mostly because she can't heal much in a dungeon or in between towns. Can't Wait To See How It Goes! Justice McStayTuned

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Bad at Tumblr

Oh man, I forgot how bad I was at Tumblr until I started this one. More posts coming soon (I’ve gotten a good deal further, and I’m guessing Joe has just like, beat the game at this point...? Who knows, but other people have some updates too that I just gotta put up). In the meantime... WHAT DO I WANT FOR LUNCH? A. My leftover Blue Apron stuff (shrimp curry- pretty good, but skews very “white person making curry”) B. Zoup! (they got a soup that has burger things today! But man, that sodium gonna fuck your heart’s butt to death) C. Some third thing Answer Today! Justice McPreferablyNow

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Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. [Jamz]

Yoo I went to this sage and the music was bumpin’.. Like.. Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. bumpin! ^_-

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Simply Red and the Not So Big Ocean (Justice Pt. 2)

Hail and well met, bitchezzzzzzzzzz. So, I’ve been playing the game for a few days now and wanted to give you guys an update of how things are going. My Band of Tims (aka Simply Red) and Glovey are doing actually decently well- while they are frailer physically than I had hoped, they pack a decent wallop with the right sword. What I have noticed is stats: at level 1, they were all identical, as they were all red mages. However, as they leveled up, their stats started to grow differently from each other:

To the point that by level 10 they were markedly different characters:

As far as plot goes, getting through the Chaos Shrine and beating Gardland was mad easy (I think I was level 6 at the time...? Not sure), and I was rewarded with a quest, some money and such, and a swag new guit-fiddle to noodle on whilst murdering gerblins and such.

Tight. However, the bridge does present some existential issues, at least for the workers:

Crossing the bridge, the monsters got stronger, and- after dicking around with a blind witch for a bit- found a town full of pirates. By murdering-up most of those pirates, you get to keep the boat, whilst daddy-pirate changes his ways. The ocean doesn’t hold much for monster variety, but the land has some neat stuff- most notably, perhaps, is this Neil Young-less batch of scrappers:

As I come upon Elfville, I find myself doing a lot of classic FF grinding- however, not so much for levels, but for money$$$. This is not how most of the Final Fantasies I’ve played have been, but I really wanted to get good weapons and magic for my mages (I guess this is the problem with having 4 mages that also use swords- very expensive!).  Anyways, after much grinding, I made my way to the smelly ground hole and then the dead castle. 

The hole (”Marsh Cave”) was easy for the most part, although those Piscodemons hit pretty rough for frail characters that still haven’t found a shield to use. After pulling as much treasure from this as I could, I went to face Assface the Elven Archduke or whatever, and took that fool down in 3 turns (I wasted a bit of time because I kept trying weak Fira when I should have just done Blizzara and attacked a bunch). I got the fake eyeball back for the witch, so now I just gotta get her to make Prince Juice to save the Elf Prince! Next Time- Hopefully Making A Crystal Alive Again....???? Justice McIThinkI’mPrettyClose

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Brian and the Black & White Cookie, a Preface

“I’m a recovering semi-hardcore gamer.  After growing up playing mostly sports and a few rpgs I’m really more interested in games that attempt to also serve as art (pretentious, I know, especially since they’re definitely not art).  Most of my RPG experience has been with real time combat ones (full disclosure: I’ve never actually played a Final Fantasy game even though I consider myself a Square Enix fan). So things like Kingdom Hearts, Shadow of the Colossus, and the Witcher were a big deal to me. I’m pretty much trying this out to actually play a Final Fantasy game, try a new challenge in the rpg world, and waste some time.  I went with the 2 black mage and 2 white mage party, affectionately referred to as the Black and White Cookie by some, because I felt like the game would still be winnable while being a challenge to survive.  And a good balance offensive and defensive magic seems like a good strategy.  Plus mages are kinda badass when they’re not being 1 shot.” -from the mouth of the man I have heard Brian swear at the game many a time in the lab at work, so I think this will be a good challenge to watch once he updates more!

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Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. [Crystmas]

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Deep..Dark..Fantasy..[Deux]

Well Sarah.. perhaps you could indulge my Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. of getting your dad to rebuild that bridge??  Soooo my strategy at this point is to blast all of my highest power spells, usually I can 1 hit everything since my spells do damage to all enemies.

I don't know what's really going on in the game at this point.. I just got some Nitro Coffee or some shit and then a coal miner took it and built the panama canal?  Then we have this lonely mermaid living in a whirlpool by themself.. btw I'm assuming that my mages don't speak at all.  Or speak in strange squeaks that only they understand (Just to enhance the readers perception of my Deep..Dark..Fantasy..).  Also, can't tell if this mermaid is coming onto me too, sry bro but I don't want to tango with Poseidon's offspring.. I only tango with Poseidon -_^

Oh, and if your Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. is numbers here are my stats so far:

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Dave Vs. The Fake Economy Pt 1

Alright gang, what follows is an exceedingly long first update from Dave, playing as Freegan Fantasy (the party that can’t spend money). I’m gonna try and put one of those “Read More” things in, but here is the man’s words and pictures of what is turning out to be a near impossible challenge. “ So first I built my party.I decided to make things pointlessly compelling towards metaphor I would assign political figures towards appropriate classes I thought would already spend no money. Didn't know what to do with Black Mage, so made him Reince Prebus (sp?) Chairman of the RNC/Trump's handler. 

If I remember correctly, I met some king who pretty much ransomed the transportation system of his people (I guess there is some bridge construction project he's been stalling through unions and such for years). And he pretty much puts it on me, some stranger, to be the scapegoat. Telling people I'll save his daughter from some rogue soldier. Did I mention this king has a chancellor? That's a warning sign right there. Anyway, I admit the I got sucked in and the very first thing  I did after the shpiel was go and buy shit. I guess I'm trained. Restart the game.The second time around I rush through shit and I'm leveling up and I die pretty quickly. Game doesn't drop any items. No one knows any heals. So I'm just being blasted in a run from the castle to this other castle to settle this whole king is on crystal thing.That's another warning. Everyone is looking for crystal. Someone has had to have made this joke before. I hate it.

Anyway, without any mode of healing, I die pretty quick.

So I remake the second version of my chars:

This time my strategy is to b-line from one castle to the final castle where I've found a leather cap. It's the first free item I've found and figure it gives me a small advantage. So I run there, my life slowly depleting, unable to heal, get my shitty cap, and then I die again.

So I'm remaking my party a third time. This time Reince is China.  I've researched the classes a bit and chosen things that have the strongest starting stats, essentially, except HLclnt, because I wanted to keep her looking like hill and I thought maybe she'll pay off with some heals? Shit's gotta give, right?

So my new strategy is to grind away until I've got good stats. I'll just revive characters at the church when they die.

Healthcare is an issue here. We have the power to fucking revive the dead. Offered by a tax exempt institution. And it costs me? So I kind of lose it at this point. There's a pay wall everywhere, so I make the first of two exceptions: 1. I can spend money to revive chars and 2. I can go to the inn to health them up. (I thought for a while leveling up might get you health, but no, cus fuck you) I figure these two exceptions at least allow for some realistic normalcy as I would need a place to sleep and to be alive to play the game. as long as I'm not giving anything towards the greater economy, I should be good I guess. I might restrict these uses later on. I dunno. It's fucked up So, anyway, after already sullying the foundations of the no money challenge I figure ot you don't need to wander this second castle to kill the rogue knight, you can b-line right to him and with my grinded level four newbs he was easy as shit.I guess our crooked gang is off to adventure now. For some thing. I guess. At least those people have a bridge I guess. Right?

P.S. Sanders - Monk, Trump - Red Mage, H. Clinton - White Mage, and China - Warrior. I'm kinda proud of that. “ So there it is- can’t wait to see how this shakes down!  

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Well, maybe... but only about the dumb worms that chew on Glovey, my favorite Final Fantasy character.

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Hi my name is Zane and I chose to do this. I am calling my team “Where’s the Thief?” but I could not find the emoji on Tumblr of the old woman who we all know is dead by now but of natural causes. It occurred to me that probably this is not a very fun or good thing to have done, because until these thieves digivolve into ninjas I guess (??) there’s not really anything I can do in terms of strategy, it’s just “did I do the right amount of punching in advance of this?” I recorded some observations during my first day of playing, though note that I had to restart and my characters are renamed accordingly.

One more thing: ogres are hulks and ogre chiefs are inverse she-hulks.

[sportsballforcoolmen]

Get Ready For.. Deep..Dark..Fantasy

Hey! You're looking at team Deep..Dark..Fantasy.  That's Art, Nana, Gobbo, and LuCIFER.. I'm Joe, I live on a DESERT island in Maine in a basement.. Alone. Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. I've never played this game before but I was told that I should do this to experience merriment and camaraderie.  I've always wanted to play the sportsball since I was a boy so this seems like the time to indulge in my Deep..Dark..Fantasy.. Hope y'all will root me on! ;3