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[squirrelgirl006]

The night ended in a spectacular blaze of hellfire as the sorcerer with the wand of healing was accidentally abducted by a flaming goat; the barbarian realized that he had vastly underestimated another flaming goat, and promptly ran away and hid in his bag of holding; and the hunter just looked around amid all the bacon-greased flaming chaos and said “FUUUUUCCCKKKK... there goes our wand of healing!”

[squirrelgirl006]

“The priest of the dwarven goddess of beer thinks you’ve had too much to drink. Go home, you’re drunk.”

[squirrelgirl006]

So my players found a small fey child in what has been referred to as “the haunted fey forest of doom,” and rather than take him back to the person they know who KNOWS about fey stuff, or just leave him in the protected circle they found him in with some supplies, or literally ANYTHING ELSE they could have done, they decide to adopt the kid and take him with them on their expedition deep into the haunted forest. So... my group basically just stole the son of the leader of the local Seelie court.... and they have NO IDEA who this kid actually is.

[squirrelgirl006]

Currently playing as a Phoenix sorcerer in a campaign with a barbarian, and the barbarian still hasn’t realized that whenever he gets low on health and catches on fire (that heals him) it’s NOT because he’s a Super Sayen....

[squirrelgirl006]

From now on, every time a player argues with me about how my world, gods, or homemade monsters should work, a strange bug will fly up, bite them, and deal 1 point of INT damage. The more they argue with me, the dumber their character gets.

[squirrelgirl006]

Started a new campaign on Roll20. Provided my characters handouts on the regions of the world and a list of races, all core and a few non core that were allowed. Simple, right?

Not one, but 2 of them showed up with characters that were non-core, not allowed races. Fucking catfolk. Seriously?

[dare-to-dm]

When there hasn’t been any combat in your game for awhile and the martial character gets antsy

[squirrelgirl006]

Out of the 4 players in my new campaign, 3 of them are fighters. The 4th is a bloodrager.

This is why I have a dm character tagging along with the party. She’s a life Oracle.

[squirrelgirl006]

People who knowingly bring their sick kids to indoor public play places should be arrested for bioterrorism.

[squirrelgirl006]

Giving the kids baths at our friends’ house after an all day play date and we’ve got an assembly line going: I wash, she dries and dresses. Well, my 2 girls are done and she brings in her son (same age as my youngest, 18 months) and says, “Yeah, just to warn you, he freaks out a little when you rinse his hair.”

Yeah, no shit. She should have warned me that he’s a screamy, squirmy little hobgoblin that just plain HATES water. Her husband confirmed my suspicions afterwards. “Oh, she didn’t warn you? He HATES bath time.”

[squirrelgirl006]

We started a new campaign, and we’re playing with a bunch of new players. One of the things my husband has been wanting to do is show the new players some of the really cool things you can do with characters and building them.

This statement may have backfired on him. I took it to heart.

I’m an experienced player, but this time I wanted to do something new, so I decided to try out Rogue cause I’ve never played one before. 1st session I informed (my husband) the DM that I’m going to be sneak attacking with a nodachi using Heirloom Weapon. He just face palmed and called me an asshole.

One of our new players actually knows what a nodachi is. He is now very excited.

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“What is the difference between ‘I like you’ and ‘I love you? Beautifully answered by the Buddha: ‘When you like a flower you just pluck it; when you love a flower you water it daily.’ The one who understands this understands life.”

— Unknown

[squirrelgirl006]

Me to my 18 month old: “Can you say “Dino?”

Her: “Rawr.”

Me: "Say di-no”

Her: "Rawr!”

Me: "DI-NO”

Her: "RAWR!”

Well, at least she knows what the dino says...

[squirrelgirl006]

Let my daughter take a 360 sippy cup of water to bed last night cause she’s was really sick and it was easier than arguing with a super sick, snot covered, possibly dehydrated 3 year old. Woke up this morning to her sitting in a puddle. Had to do the sniff test. Good news! It’s just water.

[squirrelgirl006]

My almost 3 year old got stung on the face by a hornet last week and now she’s terrified of any bug that flies.

It also doesn’t help that apparently the toy phone in her play house has an ant nest in it and she came screaming out of the play house with her head covered in ants today. Black ants, and harmless, but bleh.

Poor baby doesn’t want to play outside anymore. Meanwhile her little sister just wants to lick all the sticks she can find.

[squirrelgirl006]

Twerkerbell

Background: I’m running a random dungeon crawl to introduce some new players to the mechanics of combat and get them used to playing before we dive into an actual campaign. My brother is the only experienced player at the table and is playing a sylph sorceress.

We also have a half-orc bloodrager we all refer to as Naz-Grog, an elven archer we refer to as “Legless” and an elven Druid (played by an 8 year old) who we refer to as Kitty and her panther, Spooky.

DM (Me): Giant spider has you grappled, so you can’t cast spells.

Sorceress: Well, fudge. Um... I suck at CMB/CMD.... Hey, can I make a perform dance check to try and twerk this spider off my ass?

Me: You know what, fuck it. I’ll allow you to try. Roll it.

Sorceress: Nat 20!

Me: Congratulations! You twerk the ass spider off your ass and it goes flying across the room.

(Next turn)

Sorceress: I continue twerking and jiggling to use fascinate on the spiders. (Rolls dice)

Me: Congratulations, 3 of the giant spiders are now fascinated with.... dat ass. Unfortunately, ass spider is not one of them. But he does still think that ass looks mighty tasty, so... (rolls dice) he’s gonna bite it again. You’re grappled again.

Sorceress: I TWERK HARDER!!!!

At this point we all had to take a break because the orc bloodrager had snorted soda out her nose and the rest of us were all helplessly giggling. We now officially refer to his character as Twerkerbell.

[squirrelgirl006]

I just had to whack a fly on the floor with a dish towel and then use the dish towel to drag its maimed body over to my POS cat before she would bother to “catch” it and eat it. Because my giant half-blind master fly-catching fluffzilla was too busy sleeping in the basement pack and play to notice his favorite snack was in the kitchen.

POS for Paragon Of Sloth.