The Blackest Rose..

There is so much I want to say, I need to say; and most of the time I feel that words don't do justice. So I try with random quotes and music and my personal ramblings. But at the end of the day, that's the only thing I actually do - I try!

[bookaddict24-7]

“To a book lover, a bookshop is not a place in the world, but a world in itself.”

―Found in a Bookshop by Stephanie Butland

[ss0j]

This song is stuck in my head. All versions of it!

[xiaq]

[ss0j]

I miss being around New York this time of the year. There’s nothing like Christmas time in NYC- the lights and decorations everywhere, holiday markets at Columbus Circle, window shopping at fifth ave, watching the skaters at the Central Park ice rink, sipping hot cocoa/apple cider (depends on the day’s whim), fighting off the crowd in puffy jackets, scarves n’ beanies and just staring at the tree at Rockefeller! There’s so much you can do at NYC every year and make it your own special holiday tradition! 

[ss0j]

Life has a really funny way of giving you everything you wanted and more when you least expect it. Our story is a testament to that statement!

Today marks a month since we said “I do”. Although we had made the thoughtful decision to be partners in life many years ago, the day that we finally made it official will always have a special place in my heart. It’s hard to single out a day or moment in our life that marked the beginning of our relationship, it could have been an epiphanic knock on the head or a collective set of unassuming moments that lead to it, it doesn’t matter anymore! What matters most is that after a rollercoaster of smiles, tears, nearly a decade and an adorable puppy together, I get to call this person mine forever! And that’s a pretty good way to feel.

So, to my best friend, partner, punching bag, lifelong roadside-assistance, HUSBAND -

Cheers to the first of many months, years and decades to come, full with little fights and a lotta laughs, spending hours side by side silently on the phone, and falling in love with each a little bit more every day!

[thoughtkick]

“My life is a struggle between my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, and a desire to not care at all.”

— Unkown

[ss0j]

This song hits a little differently, because it used to be me- I have loved not knowing if it was reciprocated. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that I was! And how!

[ss0j]

Loving you is a losing game!

[ss0j]

We think the butterflies die after a while, when mind, body and soul change. We think as we mature up or mellow down, the butterflies get euthanized. It’s not true.

Its easy to get into a groove and forget the first days, when a single touch could wake up a volcano and a sideways glance was all it took for our hearts to go bonkers.

But it’s still there, the butterflies live on, dormant and it really won’t take much to wake them up!

[ss0j]

Hello, hello, anybody out there?!

[ss0j]

Imagine its a cloudy evening at a secluded beach. You had come alone for some soul searching knowing full well that the impending drizzle forecast would keep most of the crowd away. You were just about to head back when suddenly the sky turned murky grey and it starts pouring down. Rolling your eyes at the reliability of the forecast, you shield your head as you spot this house as a viable shelter. You have no choice but to run into this lone house and try to dry yourself on this leaky verandah waiting out the nasty rain. The winds are getting stronger and the rain doesn’t look any close to quitting. You watch in awe as the lightning strikes the sand and the waves rushing in harder. The night is looming in too quickly and there’s no light anywhere near. You curse yourself now for taking those two thousand selfies which killed your phone battery. As the last flicker in the sky dimmed out, you start to shiver because of course you didn’t bring anything but a beach towel and a book. It must be the cold, or maybe dread that ran through your spine when you realize things are looking eerily similar to the starting of a horror/slasher movie. You see no way to head home in this vengeful weather and so you decide to man up and seek shelter inside the house. You try the rusty handle and find it stuck, but a short hard push opens the mossy old door with a loud groan. You gingerly step foot inside and hear the floorboard creak, but you power on, one step at a time, squinting and searching for a light. You just about find a switch on the wall, when the screeching wind shut the front door with bang. You jump with a yelp, cursing, and trying to soothe your heart that’s thumping way too hard in your chest. And that’s when you hear it- a laugh, was it a chuckle or a giggle? It doesn’t matter because it didn’t come from you, which meant there’s someone else in here, someone watching you, in the dark. Your gut tells you to run, but your legs have turned into jelly and your voice is lost somewhere in your stomach. You hear distant footsteps and before you can react, a candle lights in front of your face.

[ss0j]

I don’t remember exactly when my life got so chaotic, or even a single day in the recent past when I woke up without wishing I didn’t have to. For a very long time, I have been feeling that I haven’t been living a full life. My adolescence was overshadowed by my domineering mother. My young adult life was mostly about covering up one lie with another so that my mom wouldn’t find out that I was “having fun”. My adult life came without warning, when I was thrust overnight into responsibilities that I hadn’t anticipated even in my nightmares. 

I haven’t travelled, I haven’t explored myself, I haven’t truly lived in most of my life. I was constantly defined as something else and I have gone along with it for a long time, not wanting to deal with more drama, cause Lord knows I have had all the drama in my life. I still do. I know I have been tweaking myself to align with the personality of others to make myself more likeable, to prove to myself that I was not a completely horrible person, with my white lies and cold choices. Don’t misunderstand my train of thought here- I’m not saying I’m a bitter ol’ hateful person. I have loved, I still love and trust with my heart on my sleeve; but I also calculate. I’m hardly unconditional, I keep mental score and even though the the number of strikes required to cut someone out might vary from person to person, its still there. I’m still that person.

Maybe one thing I can say I like about my personality is that I don’t hate people anymore. I may have thought and said I do when I were younger but that holds no traction now. Now I know, I don’t hate anything. I simply don’t care for it- and that includes people just as much as things. I know how to make someone irrelevant to me- it takes a lot of heartbreak, and that kind of pain knows not to go back. I wouldn’t say I have trust issues, I have no problem making a new friend or falling in love; I just can’t go back to the place where I have felt pain before. And I’m absolutely okay with that.

Maybe its my perseverance that’s finally paying off, but things are looking up. Puddles are un-muddling and reflections are getting clearer. I can look into the lake and see my smile turn genuine without my eyes shifting. I just want to cross my feet and fingers and stare at myself all day long, because I’m beautiful when I’m me. Pure, unadulterated, unabashed, and I can’t emphasis this enough, real, me.

[bookmania]

“We change bit by bit, day by day, habit by habit. We are continually undergoing microevolutions of the self. Each habit is like a suggestion: ‘Hey, maybe this is who I am.’ If you finish a book, then perhaps you are the type of person who likes reading. If you go to the gym, then perhaps you are the type of person who likes to exercise. If you practice playing the guitar, perhaps you are the type of person who likes music. Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity.”

— James Clear, Atomic Habits

[ss0j]

Your big dream is crashing down and out your door Wake up and dream once more

- Absolutes, Barcelona

Absolute favorite. Any time of any day.

[ss0j]

The light is still alive, bright and burning. 

Expelling darkness within, lingering and blurring. 

On nights long or short, through bouts of snow or rain, 

There’s still light alive, in love and in pain!

[ss0j]

I’m still bitter about how Game of Thrones ended, but its theme is all kinds of love. The forever kind. The kind I’m sure I will listen to when I’m old and wrinkly.

I just stumbled upon this Cello cover version and I’m falling in love all over again. (Though not enough to watch the show again, that ship has sunk deeper than the Titanic.)

[ss0j]