one of the biggest reasons i HC Johnny as a closeted gay is thar none of his relationships ever last. the only person who's always been there, the one constant in his life, is peter. thr only relationship that's remained unbreakably strong and genuinely deep. it always comes back to peter
— Peter has a variety of nicknames for Johnny (Torchie, Matchstick, Flamebrain, etc), but he almost exclusively calls him “baby” when they’re alone. Johnny loves it.
— Their relationship is very public, so they have to be careful when they’re in costume. Johnny always forgets and tries to kiss Peter while he’s Spider-Man, and Peter has to remind him: “Hey, genius, you’re dating Peter Parker, not Spider-Man.”
— Johnny, prior to them dating, bought him and Peter frilly friendship bracelets “as a joke.” They both wore them every day until Johnny accidentally burnt his off and Peter lost his in the sewers (long story).
— They’re both clingy as hell. There isn’t one second where they’re not touching each other in one way or another.
— Peter is always taking pictures of Johnny. Johnny jokes “I think you have enough photos,” but Peter disagrees. He’ll never have enough photos of Johnny, not even if he takes a thousand every day.
— Peter has freckles and Johnny is obsessed with them. His favorite activity is taking Peter’s face and kissing every. single. one.
— They love to rage bait each other. Johnny will say dumb shit like: “Evolution’s fake because there’s still monkeys around,” making Peter go insane and explain in detail why he’s wrong. All Peter has to do is comment on how hot other superheroes/celebrities are before Johnny is seeing red and immediately disagreeing like the jealous man he is.
— Peter is a rambler and Johnny is a ranter.
— Johnny gives Peter massages on a near-daily basis because the man is always in some kind of pain, whether from crime fighting or sitting at his desk for hours, and has more knots than a fishing net.
— Before Johnny got his powers, he had the biggest fan-boy crush on Spider-Man. It’s been years since Johnny admitted that to Peter, and Peter still teases Johnny relentlessly about it.
I’ve decided to start posting some unfinished stuff occasionally because I tend to just not finish things but I dont want to post em to AO3 unfinished. SO Tumblr! A treat for you!
The Spiderman movie comes out next week heres the entirety of chapter 1 of that spideytorch fic I never finished.
Absolute Horizon
They won. They went up against a god and they won. Franklin was safe. Their home was safe.
Then an arm came back through the portal. Johnny watched wide eyed in horror as Galactus pulled himself through with one of the teleporters spires. Dragging himself halfway out.
He glanced at his watch. He only had seconds to make a choice. But it was a choice he had really already made. Just last night.
Himself for Franklin.
His eyes darted quickly to the family he would see for the last time.
Ben pulling himself from some rubble to stand tall and at the ready to fight again. Reed cradling his son protectively, slowly backing away from the monster that wanted to steal their baby.
Sue-
Johnny couldn’t look at Sue. Couldn’t see his big sister like that. Like how mom must’ve looked. Sue had made her sacrifice and it would not be in vain.
“Tell Franklin that Uncle Johnny loves him.”
He shot off like a bullet. Gaining the speed he’d need to shove Galactus back through the portal.
He raised both hands, pushed himself as fast as he could go and-
The impact sent them both through at the last second. There was a burst of light and colour and everything was spinning. Everything was burning.
Just like when those solar rays first glanced across his skin in rainbow colours. The burning of a star.
He hurtled through fire. Through rainbow. Through cold. And then-
Nothing.
Empty. Still. Quiet. Very very quiet.
He drifted aimlessly. His lungs couldn’t take in any air. He couldn’t flame on because there was no oxygen.
Oh.
Oh he was in space.
Thousands of stars were shimmering around him. Ice clung to his suit. To his eyelashes and his hair. With a slow and languid blink he turned around. And there was earth. It never stopped being beautiful no matter how many times he saw it. Oh how Johnny loved space.
This wasn’t such a bad way to go, he realised. He let his eyes shut and let himself drift. Slowly being pulled towards his beautiful planet. Slowly lurching forward. Gaining speed. Gaining heat.
Johnny had already passed out so he didn’t realize how his unconscious body was rapidly descending back towards earth.
-
Peter sat quietly on the shield held aloft by the Statue of Liberty.
It had become a place of tranquility for him. Since it was the last place he stood before everyone forgot who he was. The repairs had gone well. The statue stood tall and proud once more. Protecting the bay.
As he watched the sky, mask in hand, he counted the stars. Alone with his thoughts. Alone in the world.
It wasn’t so bad. He still occasionally got to see MJ and Ned even if they didn’t share that closeness they once had.
He still helped other superheros from time to time. Even if they looked at him differently. More… wary and distant.
It wasn’t so bad.
As he was watching the sky and uselessly trying to convince himself that everything was fine, a sudden light flashed. It sent a rainbow of colour across the horizon like the northern lights.
Peter was on his feet and donning his mask in seconds.
Flashbacks to that first invasion of New York nearly sent him into a panic. Something was hurtling towards earth.
It looked like a comet. And it was heading straight for the city. Peter leaped up to the very top of the statue and quickly eyeballed the trajectory. It was heading for the water and it was a small looking fireball. At least it wasn’t about to crash into any buildings or people. Because he was completely helpless to do anything about it.
With a whistle and a whoosh and then a large splash the object crashed into the water just off the island. Steam and bubbles rose to the surface as whatever it was rapidly cooled. Peter leaned over the side of the statue’s crown to peer into the water, sticking with just his toes.
There was something in there. And Peter swore to the heavens above that if it was some freaky alien villain, again, he was going to lose his mind.
He waited a beat and then two and then something floated to the surface.
That was a guy. A regular human guy.
With a gasp Peter swung off the statues arm and dove into the water. He made it out to the mysterious guy, the water around him still slightly bubbling with heat as he reached him. He hooked his arms under the strangers and backpedaled back towards the shore. His feet soon reached the rocks, stumbling a bit as he dragged the other man out of the water. When he laid the waterlogged body down he turned his head and listened to the guy's heart. It had stopped and he had probably swallowed a ton of water. His arms and shoulder looked bad, the fingers blackened from the intense heat. His clothing in tatters and melted in places.
Tony’s voice echoed in his ears as he positioned himself for cpr, straddling the guys waist and placing his hands directly over the still pristine 4 logo on his chest.
You have to be careful with your strength kid. But cpr is an invaluable skill to have out there. Now, begin compressions, to the beat of “Stayin’ Alive”. Ever heard that? Yeah? Okay ready one, two-
He pumped carefully, wary of his enhanced strength. Feeling the ribs beneath his hands bend way too easily. Like flimsy pencils. He counted the compressions out in his head. Then he pushed up his mask and leaned in to breathe carefully into the guy's mouth. Feeling his lungs expand.
Then he repeated it. His old mentors voice guiding him. Singing ”Stayin’ Alive” under his breath and ignoring the sting of tears in his eyes at the onslaught of memories. He felt the ribs creak and begin to crack as he tried desperately to save this strangers life.
Suddenly, violently, the guy surged upwards and threw Peter off. Spitting water and coughing as he turned himself to clear his airway. Then vomit all over the shore. The tide came in and cleaned that up right away however.
The weird spaceman heaved and gasped like he had never breathed air before. Peter watched silently, mask still rolled up to his nose.
“Holy shit- I’m alive?!” The man asked between gasping breaths, voice hoarse as he greedily sucked in air.
“Looks like it.” Peter breathed out a sigh of relief. The guy however, distracted by vomiting up all the water in his lungs, startled at Peter's presence. He scooted backwards, further into the tide and Peter held out his hands defensively. He wanted to grab him and pull him back from the water but was afraid it would just make the space guy more upset.
“Hey, let’s not take another swim for tonight, okay?”
The guy looked behind him at the dark waters and then forward at the Statue of Liberty. He slumped suddenly like a puppet with his strings cut and laughed.
“Oh thank god. I’m alive. The other three are gonna be so pissed at me.”
He suddenly raised his watch and pressed a button on it. It looked weird and alien but the numbers on it were normal even if the time was wrong.
“Guys. Guys I’m okay. I-“ he paused as he read something on the smooth square face.
“Reed? Ben? … Sue?” He tapped the button again. He smacked it. He moved as if to suddenly smash it on the rocky shore. Thats when Peter stepped in and grabbed his wrist.
“Woah, woah. Don’t hurt yourself, Space Guy.”
“Space guy?” He gestured to himself, the four on his chest. “Don’t you recognize me?”
Peter tilted his head and tried really hard to remember if there had been any 4 themed heroes on the Avengers radar.
“Mmm lemme guess…” he leaned back and tried to take in his full look. Right now he looked a lot like a wet dog. Pale blonde hair plastered to his forehead. Weird jumpsuit sticking to his body and weighing it down. Really all he had to go on was the number 4 and the colour blue.
“You are… the… fearsome… foursome!” He snapped his fingers, pointing to the four. the guy gave him an incredulous look so he tried again.
“Your the- the- okay can I get a hint?”
The guy motioned to his entire face and nearly hysterically shouted- “I’m Johnny Storm!”
Peter rocked back on his heels and raised his hands in the air.
“Well that has nothing to do with the number four!”
The guy- Johnny, shot up out of the water and patted the symbol on his chest.
“I am Johnny Storm! Of the Fantastic Four!”
Peter also rose from his crouched position and met the guy head on, arms crossed.
“The Fantastic what now? How am I supposed to know who that is?”
Johnny stood frozen in place, mouth gaping like his jaw might fall off.
“The human torch?” He tried again, motioning to himself, again.
“What? Are you like a human flashlight or something?” Peter asked, looking him up and down.
“No! …Kinda! And you're one to talk! What are you even wearing?” Johnny motioned to his red and blue suit and Peter looked down at himself. Only a bit self conscious as he asked.
“Whats wrong with my suit?”
“Red and blue? It’s like way too much dude.”
“You are being very rude to the guy who saved your life. Besides, it worked for Captain America didn’t it?”
Johnny stopped, face scrunching up in frustrated confusion. “Who?!”
“You are kidding. That's a good one. He’s only been in every psa school has ever shown us.”
“Oh my god.” Johnny suddenly stopped and looked around, like Cap might bust out of the water right now.
“What year is it?” He asked softly, having come to some kind of conclusion once he’d spun in a full circle.
“It’s currently 2025.”
The guy breathed a sigh of relief but then went rigid again. “Not time travel so-“
He spun in another circle. Counter clockwise this time. Then he looked up at the Statue of Liberty. Really looked.
“Was that repaired?” He asked softly.
“Oh uh… yeah. It got a little banged up but it’s fine now. Why?”
He gave the shield a funny look. Johnny then walked, more like limped, up the shoreline. Peter followed behind him cause the guy looked like he was about to drop any second.
“I really think you should sit down!” Peter pleaded. But Spaceman Johnny just continued on until he could see the city. His eyes searched for something over the water that Peter couldn’t see.
“Reed was right. I mean… of course he was. Annoying how he’s always right…” Finally the guy collapsed and fell on his ass. Then he laughed hysterically. And then he screamed up into the night sky and Peter flinched back.
“You okay?” Peter asked tentatively once he was done. Wondering if he needed to swing this guy to the mental hospital.
The guy half turned around to look at Peter with red eyes and a heartbroken smile.
“I’m in another dimension.”
After sitting and staring into space for a solid 20 minutes the pair boarded the last ferry back to the mainland. Johnny had this fuzzy distant look in his eyes while Peter supported his weight with an arm around the other man. He seemed a little shell shocked but well that was pretty understandable considering the circumstances.
It sounded unbelievable, sure. But he had seen the guy fall from the sky with his own two eyes. And besides, Peter already knew all too well that alternate dimensions were in fact real. He just hoped that this guy wasn’t here for Spider-Man.
Though if he was, he couldn’t put up much of a fight in this state. His right wrist was swollen and taking on a slightly purple shade. His left shoulder was held at an awkward angle. His boots were gone and his ankle there looked swollen too.
“We need to get you to a hospital.”
Johnny looked over at Peter for the first time during this boat trip and swallowed heavily before answering him. With a simple, “no.”
He was shaking. Trembling under Peters arm.
“Dude. You literally look like you got pummeled by asteroids. Your wrist might be broken.”
“Nah.” He waved his, maybe, broken wrist and grimaced. “Had worse.”
Peter stared at him, letting the empty soulless lenses of his mask do their job at unsettling someone into submission.
“You need X-rays. And-and like probably so many pain killers-“
“If I am stuck in a hospital I can’t find my way home.” Johnny argued. “Besides, I can't draw attention to myself. Who knows how the government might react to an interdimensional traveller.”
Luckily his mask hid the way Peter cringed. If anyone remembered the embarrassing event in question they would probably have regarded Johnny with a lot more caution. Luckily with everyone forgetting ‘Peter Parker’ they forgot all about that little hiccup in his hero career.
“So what are you going to do?”
Johnny looked again at Spider-Man. Held his gaze for a minute before blowing out air and giggling like a hysterical madman.
“I have no fucking idea!”
Peter started revisiting the mental hospital plan in his mind.
“Woah weird.” Johnny immediately gasped when they stepped off the boat. His gaze swept across very ordinary buildings and advertisements with the wonder of a man who’d never seen civilization.
“This place is so weird.”
“You don’t have, like, a concussion too do you?”
“Oh most definitely." Johnny nodded. “But I didn’t think an alternate dimension could look so different.”
Peter glanced around at the very normal looking buildings and cars. “What’s it look like in your world then?”
Johnny pursed his lips, really considered how to describe it.
“Well your buildings and stuff are like… flatter?”
“Flatter?”
“You guys use a lot of glass and squares…”
“Glass… and squares.”
Johnny made a face like he knew he wasn’t making any sense. And Peter felt a bit bad for the guy so he nodded in faux understanding.
“Yeah, yeah. Glass and squares are all the rage.”
“Mm hm.” Johnny gave him a sceptical look while they staggered onto the street like a pair of drunks. The other male hissed as his bare feet scraped over concrete.
“Okay. We need to get you some shoes. And maybe some dry clothes…” Peter glanced around and pointed to a thrift store.
“Johnny Storm does not wear thrifted clothes unless it’s vintage.” He huffed and Peter snorted.
“Well Johnny Storm is gonna have to deal because I don’t see a gucci store and I don’t see your wallet.”
Comically, Johnny patted at his pockets before sighing dramatically. So Peter hurried him into the thrift store.
“We close in ten minutes.” The gruff lady with a heavy smokers voice huffed at them.
“Sorry! We’ll be quick!” Peter quickly apologized and rushed the other man through the door making him hiss in pain.
“Sorry, sorry!”
He grabbed some random things off the racks that looked too big for Johnny but would do for now. But for the shoes they would genuinely need to try on a few pairs.
“I hate all of these options.”
“Well then just pick the cheapest option!”
Johnny eyes the yellowed, clearly once white, sneakers with disdain.
“I’m gonna get athletes foot from that thing! No don’t-“ But Peter slid the shoe on Cinderella style and it fit. Johnny made a face like it physically pained him. Well maybe it did his ankle looked pretty bad.
Peter had him change in the change room and then they paid at the counter. The woman grumbled as she checked to make sure everything had it’s tags. Peter watched her with slowly waning patience. She was the one who wanted them out of the store! Finally she rang them up.
“30 bucks?!” Peter exclaimed.
“For this?” Jonny huffed looking down at the oversized polo and baggy shorts Peter had selected.
Peter grumbled as he pulled the emergency cash from his back pocket and slammed it down on the counter with a pout. She gave them their change and followed them to the door as they shuffled out. Turning the sign to closed and locking it immediately behind them.
“Well that was fun.” Johnny said with a sigh. Sounding anything but amused. “Now what?”
Peter looked at him and hummed.
“Well uh… I guess… we gotta go back to my place?”
“Wow. Take me on a date first.” Johnny snarked.
“Haha. Just hang on princess.” And he swept him up bridal style. Johnnys eyes bugged out of his head at the sudden reveal of his strength. His arms came up around Peters neck in surprise.
“Hold on tight.”
With one arm under Johnny he used the other to swing. Keeping a more gentle rhythm compared to the show off flips and twirls he was prone to trying.
“What are you?!” Johnny asked in wide eyes.
“Rude.” But then Peter remembered he hadn’t introduced himself properly. “I’m Spider-Man.”
-
Gasping Sue sat upwards. Strange light leaving her eyes. When her vision cleared the first thing she saw was her smiling baby. The second thing she saw was her husband. And then Ben.
And for a moment it didn't register. She was so overjoyed to have her son in her arms and her husband kissing her and Ben right there. Until it clicked. Instantly her smile fell. She swept her gaze across the ruined New York skyline.
“Where’s Johnny?”
Reed looked at Ben. Ben looked at the ground. His fists clenched at his side. Nobody answered her. A single tear tracked down her cheek and she hugged Franklin close who cooed curiously at her distress.
“Where. Is. My. Baby. Brother.”
Finally Reed looked back at her. He squeezed her hand, choked up.
“Galactus came back through the portal-“
“No.”
“And Johnny-“
“No!”
“Johnny rushed him. They both went through the portal.”
Sue’s lip trembled. “We have to go get him we-“
“Sue. We don’t know for sure where he is.” Reed said softly. “But it’s not likely to be hospitable to human life-“ Reed stopped and looked back at Ben as the Thing spoke up to interrupted his panicked rambling.
“He said-“ Ben cleared his throat before continuing, “he said to tell Franklin ‘Uncle Johnny loves him.’”
Sue curled over her son, and sobbed. It had been her job to protect Johnny. Ever since their parents died she had to look out for him. He was her baby brother. Now he was gone. Somewhere she might never see him again.
Softly, Reed's arms stretched back around his now fractured family. Holding the remains together.
“No. We will find him. And we will bring him home.” Reed said suddenly determined and hugged Sue to his chest.
He didn’t mention whether or not they would find him alive.
johnny storm and peter parker being a perfect match because johnny is (well, obviously) the human torch and a literal radiator meanwhile peter is cold blooded because he's a spider 😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ my babies
We know you're very normal(like us) about Bruce Wayne
But what about Brucie Wayne?
Mmm.
I think Brucie is interesting.
Don't get me wrong, I giggle like mad at his shenanigans, at his flirting, how he's written in fandom, but...
I like when people take him a bit more seriously. When he is still Gotham's darling, Gotham's Prince, but is more serious about it. When he isn't an aloof airhead, but is maybe a bit ditzy sometimes, but most often genuine, in his efforts to help Gotham, in his company, in his family, all of it.
Like that panel recently of Bruce squaring up on a rooftop, no Batman in sight, just Bruce. (Hot—)
I think he is a charming man, who can wrap someone around his finger and they won't even realise until he's gone (if they even do). He can hold command over an entire room, he is their Prince, but he is also one of them. On a pedestal, but looking up at it down on the floor alongside them.
He's a shark in business. He's a smiling face you don't think can hurt you, then you blink and you're on your ass, no idea what happened, down millions, your company now a W.E. subsidiary, and he's still smiling, you're still falling for the act.
He has his dalliances, he's still Brucie, but it's not the raunchy meet-ups people make them out to be, he takes them out for dates, showers them with gifts, covers for the closeted models by going out for lunch with them, helps closeted men come out on his arm, so the initial backlash hits them, not the partner they're coming out for.
(He's also a whore—)
The older elites see his parents in him. Thomas, in the way he charms the older ladies, in the way he twirls his partner all around the ballroom, the gentle hands guiding them away, the firmer hands guiding unwanted touches away from them, the wide smiles the children that run up to him get.
Martha, in the way he uses his words to twist entire groups into knots, to get exactly what he wants without them realising he's taking it, the way he laughs, when he throws his head back and it tinkles through the entire room, the time he wore a dress for charity, some of their old friends had to blink away the vision of Martha standing in front of them, the cool, silent glares when someone is going to cause trouble, that quells brewing fights without so much as a word.
He kisses babies heads like it's his job, you're considered lucky if you get one of them. Kids that grew up before Brucie came back to Gotham are sour about it, because they were past head-kissing age at galas, and weren't being handed over to Bruce's arms like their younger siblings.
He's a prominent sight at his charities, when he can be. Some people cry publicity stunt, seeing Bruce handing out food at the kitchens, but the other (compensated) volunteers (because Bruce pays them despite protests, he finds a way) know that the man in a terrible wig, that never takes off his jaunty moustache, is also Bruce, there a lot more often than 'Brucie' is.
He has sleepovers with models, they call him crying for advice and Bruce drives across the city to pick them up and take them out for a breakfast/lunch/dinner while giving them advice, and a shoulder to cry on. Bruce's own relationships fall apart, and he accepts the sympathy from his friends, from his family, then sends a text in the groupchat, and soon enough he's bundled in blankets, in a room of Gotham's top models, because that's who they are to each other.
His company is fiercely loyal. His board are the ones he pisses off, refusing weapons contracts, funding the Justice League, raising wages when profits rise, but his company? Sure, he's irritating, Brucie still has his doofus act, but they're loyal. Fist fights have occurred in the lobby. Bruce tries to be on a first name basis with as many of them as he can. Even when he mixes up a name, pairs it with the wrong face, he's usually close enough that they're still charmed.
There's a Brucie kidnapping protocol, sometimes it's loud, plastered all over the news, sometimes it's quiet, he comes in wincing at the light, moving carefully, bandages peek through his clothes. (He got hurt at Batman.) They just assume he didn't want the media storm, and quietly accommodate it. Lights are dimmed, volumes lowered, schedule minimised, media personnel in the building carefully guided past him, not giving them a chance to get the scoop, Lucius is 'coincidentally' paired with Bruce for the day, as the highest-higher-up that cares about Bruce, not profits, and they carefully pick up the slack on whatever work Bruce came in for, leaving him enough that he doesn't realise what they've done.
Brucie gets locked in a bathroom, or forgets what office he's meant to be in, completely misses a work day cause he thought it was on another one, all of his usual messiness, and sure, they're annoyed, but it's Brucie. They love him anyway, and just work around him.
He's approachable. Outsiders are gasping, staring, screeching to see him, but Gothamites are used to it. He is their Prince, but he is a prince of the people. Rarely goes by a week where they don't see him out and about at least once.
This spread to outsiders when a poor uni student was found by Bruce, staring at the sanitary aisle in utter confusion. Bruce was out with Stephanie Brown, the family friend, and ended up guiding the young man around the entire shop, with her trailing behind laughing, as he tossed item after item in the kid's basket, throwing stuff back to her too for their own shop, then swiped his card for all of it at the till, so the kid could provide for his girlfriend. He went online to squeal, which is how the Outsiders finally figured out how Bruce works.
(I have a fic idea saved like that actually but anyway—)
Brucie was surrounded by a press circle walking around town, but burst through them quickly enough to deck the man about to snatch a little girl. She sits on his hip until the mother reaches them, her screaming is what alerted him, and he's immediately designated a Safe PersonTM. Batman was stopped on patrol and thanked by the mother for teaching Bruce Wayne how to fight.
As designated Safe PersonTM, Brucie will be walking around town—sometimes with his own kids—and a little kid will pop up next to him and take his hand. They will walk around the same area until a very frantic parent appears to collect the child they lost. The kid lost their parent, saw the next best thing, and Bruce is used to it (he's not. he wants to cry every time that people trust him enough for this to be a thing) and just circles the area, maybe dips into a shop and gets them an ice cream if they're particularly upset about losing their parent.
I also love Brucie as he's primarily written. Billboard underwear adverts, drunken shenanigans, comic stupidity. I just like to turn the dial back a slight bit. Sometimes.
Anyway.... guess I have thoughts on Brucie. Pshaw. I am totally normal about Brucie.
There are so many wonderful and entertaining dynamics where Scar gets to be as chaotic as he pleases while the other person yells at him in disbelief. Funny man ー Straight man (also knows as boke-tsukkomi, for weebs like I am) is a proven comedy duo formula that works, and works well.
Which is why it upsets me when people try to push Cub and Scar in this box. Because Cub presents you with a dynamic that hasn't been explored before: what if you thought everything Scar Goodtimes does was fucking awesome. What if you were completely down to get into any and all trouble with him without a single question asked.
What if Hotguy were the sexiest man alive. Well, he is, obviously, and Cub is gonna collect all merch of him that exists, and give him a dedicated corner in the museum, and outbid everyone for the Hotguy painting auction. Because Hotguy just makes him feel a special sort of way, you see.
What if the magic crystals were actually real. And they are. They possess secret, powerful capabilities no one can begin to understand. They bend time and space. You should totally visit the wizard in the jungle and buy everything in stock. Cub did that and Cub absolutely does not regret it.
Scar wants to abuse his authority as the POE, blowing up all shops that he deems unworthy? He should do that. Here are some TNT blocks.
Scar wants to burn down the s11 map, despite the hard work of the firefighters? He should do that. Here is a flint and steel.
I can keep going for eternity. Cub loves crazy. Cub IS crazy, he is Scar's wonderful mad scientist friend who he is a little scared of. Just because he knows how hard Cub can go. Every hermit knows how hard Cub can go. Cleo thinks Cub is the scariest hermit (despite being able to handle him herself pretty well). Doc, despite his evil theatrics, doesn't dare to mess with Cub. Cub can destroy entire Minecraft ecosystems in seconds just because he thought it would be funny. He is not no-nonsence, he is all nonsence.
And he loves his friends so much! Including Scar, especially Scar! He is an incredibly involved hermit who is always ready to help people and participate in community projects. He often laughs at Scar's jokes when no one else does. He always treats Scar with respect, seeing him as an incredible strong and capable individual. And he gets so, so worried when there is even a tiny implication that Scar might actually be in trouble.
TL;DR: Cubfan135 is the silliest man alive who is deeply enamored with everything Scar does and you should treat him as such
Do you think Dick feels uncomfortable when Peter mentions the Richard from his universe?
He loves Peter, even with all this complicated multiverse stuff and interdimensional travel.
But when he hears him casually mention his counterpart from his universe, he can't help but wonder: what if things had been different in his life?
The Peter he knows clearly didn't know who Batman was, much less Bruce Wayne, when he met him, and he clearly had no idea whether or not his dad was a vigilante.
And then he hears him say these things—natural answers to his questions and random comments about things that remind Peter of his past.
"My dad used to call me Robin."
"My dad taught me parkour. It was so much fun when I was a kid."
"My dad loved eating cereal. Whenever he couldn't sleep, we'd go to the kitchen and eat a huge bowl of it."
"Haha, my dad didn't like using public transportation either."
"My dad loved this song."
Dick knows that Peter doesn't do it on purpose; he only mentions it because it all seems very familiar to him, because Dick seems very familiar to him.
And that makes Dick wonder, what would have happened if things had been different? And Dick hates it because he knows that asking that kind of question is pointless, but there they are in his mind, every time he passes by, along with the proof of how his life could have been if he had never become a vigilante.
He could have had another life, a son to care for and love, someone to teach the acrobatics and tricks his parents had taught him, someone to take to school listening to his favorite songs, someone to sing lullabies to that his mother sang to him when he was a child, someone to share a bowl of cereal with when he couldn't fall asleep.
He knows it's useless to ask these questions, but they were something he couldn't stop thinking about.
If things had been different, maybe, just maybe, he could have had his Peter? His own little Robin?
And he hates himself for thinking about it so much…
Peter narrowed his eyes, face scrunched up in a scowl and clearly unamused.
"It's you."
Spoiler perked right up. She'd been waiting on Peter's designated roof since she started patrol tonight.
"Peter Pan!" She waved jovially, pushing past Peter’s salty exterior. It reminded her a lot of Robin.
He stayed where he was, on the last step of the ladder, refusing to climb up. "I thought I was “fruit boy”." He said, with heavy air quotes despite being on the ladder. A surprising show of athleticness, only surpassed by his judgmental tone.
"Okay, okay, listen! I come bearing gifts," she held up one of those family sized boxes of Chinese food and a drink. Sweet tea, because Robin didn't, and she quotes, "want him drinking that crap", end quote.
"I don't take bribes from homophobes." Peter said hotly. Which, had the right spirit, but Spoiler was the totally wrong person. She loved all women! And, like, two guys. Just your average bisexual woman.
"Im not a homophobe!" Spoiler whined.
"You kept laughing and calling me fruit boy." Peter said flatly.
"Well, because, y'know... you always have fruit?" She said weakly.
She wanted to make amends so bad. It sucks being the only bat Peter wouldn't photograph or even talk to. And they'd get along SO good! She just had to get past her initial impression... perhaps jumping straight to talking to peter like she knew him was not the way to go.
She'd overheard so many conversations between him and the others, by the time she got to met him, she went straight into it. Now she was like the shunned black bird of the family. To Peter, the objectively funniest person she's had the pleasure of hearing roast her family-not-family.
He wouldn't give her fruit or trail mix either because her name wasn’t bird themed, and therefore didn't think she was part bird/bat, like the others. Curse her vigilante name she chose to spite her father,,,
Peter still didn't answer.
"Okay, what if I can clear my name before you clear a plate of Chinese food?" Spoiler offered, seeing if turning it into a challenge would work instea—
"Okay." And suddenly Peter was right next to her, already opening the box.
She lit up. Unfortunately, she couldn't eat any because she didn't have a domino and only a lower face covering, but that's okay. Peter liked making fun of her for that too. He actually hated it more than how the others just wore dominos, but she forgot to grab her new one before rushing out to beat Robin. And Nightwing. And Red Robin. And… Batman? Seriously?
"Kay, so my first evidence for the prosecution is... this!" She wiped out her phone, already open on a picture of her and Black Bat holding hands, Spoiler leaning into her with a bat burger bag in the other hand. RR had taken the picture, his unimpressed face in the lower left hand corner.
Peter paused, a massive chunk of orange chicken half way in his mouth. He squinted.
"A picthur of you... an' Blah' ba’?" He raised an unimpressed eyebrow, mouth full of food.
"Well, yes, and you can't tell anyone else, but!" She leaned in to whisper. "She’s my girlfriend."
Peter stared unimpressed. "You?"
Spoiler nodded excitedly.
"But Black Bat is so much cooler..." Which, well, yes, but Spoiler felt the need to defend her pride. "She has a—"
"—full face mask," Spoiler sighed "I know! Ugh, okay!"
Spoiler scrubbed her face, unreasonably stressed about this very non stressful situation.
"How can I make it up to you?"
"What are you, a dead beat dad or a shitty boyfriend?"
Spoiler pursed her lips. A little too close to home there, huh? Not for her, but well— close to her by association, she supposes.
After the DNA test from last night... to say they were put into a panic would be an understatement. She might've played it down, saying she rushed out to beat the others. It was more like... they were in the process of setting up a nightly and daily watch for Peter. Just until they could figure out their game plan and, well, verify he really was Nightwing's actual son and not some clone or ploy.
Spoiler has a feeling if Peter turns out to be part of some scheme to hurt them… Nightwing would be really hurt, but Robin would lose the first friend he’s made since Superboy.
While this family always has something crazy or angsty going on, Spoiler hopes this isn’t one of those cases.
But Peter's DNA was spliced with something; something definitely not human. Not in a meta way, not in an alien way, in a purposely edited way. But not a perfect clone, either. Though that didn’t rule out a whole lot, considering, y’know… With this family, nothing was ever as straightforward as a random accidental pregnancy. Not even Batman was afforded that luxury, what with his tube-baby assassin kid. (Red Robin absolutely killed it by saying Robin came out of a fricken egg. God, she wishes she was the one who got to say that. Eternal glory.)
RR had even been muttering about checking the timeline and speed force, especially from the one time Batman met his daughter from another universe. (Spoiler thinks her name was Huntress? She sounded like a total badass to her…)
So yeah, TLDR; Spoiler was technically sitting with her Nephew, who didn't like her because Peter thought she was making homophobic jokes at him.
She was already in last place for auntie, and the only other competition was her girlfriend!
Spoiler settled for giving Peter puppy dog eyes.
He raised a brow, evidently unaffected. Probably because his were far superior… He’d conned Nightwing into a shanigan or two.
"You can make it up to me by..." he grinned maliciously. "By making a thank you card for Batman."
Spoiler paused, considering. "Well, he's not really my dad, per se, more like I'm dating—"
"His one and only daughter and the only other actual bat? Yeah, exactly! Thank him for giving birth to your girlfriend." Peter nodded to himself, like he made perfect sense.
Spoiler nodded along easily. "Okay! I'll thank him for Black Bat." She somehow said without busting out into laughter. Is this what Batman was always talking about when he said to 'take your mission seriously'? Game changer, seriously.
Peter studied her before deeming her sincerity good enough. "Okay, good. Mr. Batman is really nice. You gotta give your parents,” he eyed her. “Er, parent in law?”
Spoiler nodded, making a so-so motion. He was more or less right, anyway. Like a weird mix of being a boss, father in law, not-quite paternal figure but still-up-there situation.
“Gotta appreciate them before they die tragically.” Peter nodded solemnly.
Spoiler blue screened. But, like, was he wrong?
“Uh, do you, like… want to talk… about that?” Spoiler asked hesitantly, unsure what her standing was with Peter after feeding him. When he gets prodded too much he just leaves, as they found out the hard way.
“Nah.” He said simply, shoving another bite in his mouth and swallowing like a pelican.
One of Spoiler’s favorite aspects of kids was how blunt they were. But in this instance, she wished he was more “oversharing that his parents divorced because his daddy likes putting it all on black” and not “no, I don’t wanna” kind of kid.
“Okay.” She said back in fear of losing her hard won (read: bribed) Peter privileges.
He pulled out paper and pens from his bag, and even some markers. He was more prepared than he was with RR, so evidently he was planning more appreciation letters for Batman. It was honestly so adorable, Spoiler felt like she had seven new cavities. No wonder why Batman was so fond, begrudgingly or not. Maybe he knew intrinsically with his new Grandpa gut? Spoiler wouldn’t put it past The Dark Knight.
Now if he could just move past this bout of hyper suspicion before he ruined his relationship with his grandson before it even starts would be great, honestly.
Though, Spoiler can't deny he does have a good reason to be suspicious…
Even more so because of just how suspicious and off putting so much around Peter tends to be. Initially, they assumed either trafficking or immigration, considering his lack of records.
Then Immigration was ruled out, leaving the worst option left; trafficking.
But Peter still didn't fit the profile for that. Not trafficking, not immigration, not a child soldier, but not a normal child either.
A mystery driving everyone mad was the most apt definition at this moment.
"I just wanna say, all that happened before I got here. Does that at least clear my name of not being a bad partial-offspring?" Spoiler bargained, absolutely willing to throw everyone else under the bus. She had favor to curry.
Peter hummed thoughtfully. "Okay, mitigating circumstances.”
Spoiler fist pumped in victory, obediently beginning to color her page again. She already had a monopoly on the purple marker.
He pointed his chopsticks menacingly at her. “But not a full acquittal!”
“What!? Spoiler said, indignant at such an accusation.
“While you may not have been the first child, you weren’t the last, either!” Peter nodded to himself, something he did often. “Where were you for Robin? I heard he came from a, y’know…” He leaned in, whispering. “An egg!”
Oh, right, RR did say it was quote unquote, “confidential information”. She can’t wait for when he runs into Robin again. She needs to have cameras set up to savor that moment forever.
Spoiler nodded sagely. “Yes, yes he was… I was out of town, though!
Peter squinted. “Convenient.”
“It was very inconvenient, actually. It was an ordeal, Pete.” The ‘ordeal’ she speaks of was faking her death and then coming back as Batgirl, but that’s actual confidential information.
“Uh-huh.” Peter went back to his food, deeply unconvinced. “Sounds like an alibi someone made up after the egg hatched.”
Spoiler pressed a hand to her chest. “I am being framed.”
“You’re being investigated,” Peter corrected. “Big difference.”
She looked down at her half-finished card, contemplating adding another color other than purple and black. “Okay, but what if I add glitter?”
Peter paused mid-chew.
Spoiler watched him closely. “The good kind. Not loose glitter. I’m not a monster.”
Peter considered this with grave seriousness. “Glitter glue?”
“Obviously.”
He lowered the chopsticks. “That would help your case.”
Spoiler fist-pumped again, quieter this time. Progress. She was making progress. “Great. Perfect. I love due process.”
Peter pointed at her card with his chopsticks. “Write ‘thank you for your bat service’ on the inside.”
“Sir, yes sir!” She mock saluted, pulling out the glitter glue she always kept handy. You never know when you’ll need a glitter bomb, pocket glitter, glitter glue, the list goes on.
Spoiler dutifully added onto her thank-you letter, though she peaked at Peter as he finished off his food and began to fold some paper into almost-origami.
“How come you’re not making a thank-you letter too?” She asked idly, since their bickering seemed to have come to an end.
He raised an eyebrow. “Because I already made one with Red Robin?”
Spoiler tilted her head to the side for a moment, thinking. “How about making some for the other vigilantes?”
Peter blinked. “Wait, who else has kids?!”
Well, that is not what Spoiler was talking about. But technically that would be Nightwing. Because, well, y’know. Peter is literally his kid, so…
“Pfff— no! No, they’re—” Spoiler broke out into laughter, caught between the irony and the horror of anymore kids. She wiped a tear away. “No, but it wouldn’t hurt, right?”
Peter frowned. Man, he was not a fan of being laughed at. He liked making people laugh, but he was not a fan of being laughed at. Very different things. Also how Spoiler ended up on his shit-list in the first place.
“I guess…” Peter shrugged, not very into the idea since it wasn’t about Batman.
“You could thank Black Bat for her full face mask.” Spoiler said as a last ditch effort, resigned.
“You’re a genius!” Peter perked up immediately. He evidently leaned more toward the bat themed vigilantes… was this discrimination? Like, Spoiler was already exempt from the fruit list because she wasn’t a bird or a bat. Sigh, the cost of being cooler than everyone else.
She sighed dramatically. “I know. It’s quite burdensome at times.”
Peter’s only response was side-eyeing her.
“You’re gonna get a big head and float away,” he snarked, but was already pulling out another sheet of paper.
Spoiler clutched her chest. “Wow. I offer you creative inspiration and this is the thanks I get?”
“You’re on probation,” Peter reminded her, very seriously.
“Right. Right, sorry. Humble. Staying humble.” She mimed zipping her lips, then immediately unzipped them. “But I am a genius, just for the court’s records?”
Peter ignored her, tongue poking out slightly as he started sketching again.
Spoiler leaned over, trying to get a better look. “So what’s this one gonna say? ‘Thank you for wearing a full face mask’?”
Peter paused.
“No way….” Spoiler lit up. “Is that seriously what you’re gonna write?—”
“Well someone has to thank her for her service! You know how many heroes actually wear a proper mask? Too few, Spoiler, too few.” Peter explained like it was the most important thing in the world.
“I’m a visionary. A prophet, even.”
“Yeah, a false prophet maybe.” Peter rolled his eyes, but went back to drawing. His tongue sticking out quite adorably in concentration.
Peter added a couple of little bats around the words, then a very dramatic, flowing outline of what was clearly meant to be a full-face mask.
Spoiler squinted. “…that looks like a sock.”
“It’s just the outline!” Peter defended.
“Of what? A sock?”
“Dami would be disappointed if I could draw a simple frontal.” Peter said seriously, though it was inaccurate.
He was obviously talking about Damian, and while he likes drawing, he doesn’t expect everyone to be on his level. Damian draws with Peter because he likes hanging out with him. (Not that he’d ever admit that, of course.)
“Dami? Is that your art teacher or something?” Spoiler played dumb
Peter shook his head, still focussed on the task at hand. “Nuhuh, he’s my friend. We hang out all the time. Sometimes even with his brothers and stuff.”
“His brothers? Do you like them?” Spoiler asked.
Peter thought for a moment. “Damian’s family’s really nice to me, but…”
That was an ominous way to end a sentence pertaining to their civilian identities.
Peter looked up from his Black Bat appreciation card to squint at Spoiler. She did her best to project her earnestness (which was easier with her eyes not obscured by a domino, by the way).
And it worked.
“I dunno… I feel like they feel sorry for me.” Peter pursed his lips. “They talk in circles and around the bush because I live in Robinville,” read: near Crime Alley, homeless and guardianless, “so I feel like they walk on eggshells around me.”
“Cause, like, Damian is always straight forward and doesn’t, like, try to pick at every single thing I say. He says it how it is and he doesn’t think less of me.”
He began to shade the Black Bat drawing with decent accurateness, considering how elusive she typically is. Most people never get, or stay, close enough to see the finer details of her mask. And Peter only got to see her once in passing, that’s the impressive part!
“I like them, though. His brothers are fun, when they’re not looking at me like I’m some poor puppy.” Peter looked like he was going to say more, but decided against it.
Which… Yeah, that sounds about right. Robin should be proof enough some of them aren’t the best with kids outside of costume.
Spoiler hummed thoughtfully. She, as a civilian, was close. But as a vigilante, she wouldn’t know anything about that, realistically. So she had to act that part.
“Well, have you tried acting more like your friend?”
Peter tilted his head, but looked ready to defend his friend's honor. Cute. “What do you mean?”
“Well, by being more direct.”
A realization dawned on Peter.
“Oh.” He paused, thinking it through. “Um. I usually just leave when I get annoyed, so…”
Spoiler stared at him.
“…yeah, that tracks.”
“It’s efficient,” Peter added, nodding like he’d just made a strong point. He does that a lot.
“It’s evasive.”
“It avoids conflict.”
“It creates more conflict later.”
Peter frowned. “Not if you don’t come back.”
Spoiler snorted. “Okay, yeah, that’s one way to solve it.”
He shrugged, going back to outlining the card. “It works. Mostly.”
“Peter.”
“What.”
“You cannot ghost an entire family.”
“Watch me.”
“I have been,” she said dryly. “It’s why you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” he corrected automatically.
She perked up. “Oh?”
“You’re just—” he waved his marker around, searching for the word, “—kind of difficult?”
She bumped shoulders with him. “Sometimes difficult isn’t so bad, yeah?”
“Don’t push it.” He said, though he didn’t look displeased.
Spoiler grinned anyway.
“Okay, but hypothetically,” she continued, leaning forward a little, “if you didn’t avoid them, what would you say?”
Peter paused mid-line.
“…I don’t know.”
“Try.”
He made a face.
“…like, ‘stop looking at me like that’?” he offered.
Spoiler nodded. “Good start.”
“‘I’m not a puppy.’”
“Excellent. Strong message.”
“‘I can hear you thinking.’”
“A little threatening, but I respect it.”
Peter huffed a laugh despite himself, shaking his head.
“Dami would just call them stupid.”
“He probably calls everyone stupid.”
“Yeah, but he means it. Plus, his insults are always so polished, if you’re dumb you don’t even know he just insulted your entire bloodline.”
Spoiler would know. She’s a longtime victim of Robin now.
Spoiler leaned back again. “See? You’re getting the hang of it.”
Peter didn’t respond, but he didn’t immediately dismiss it either, which Spoiler was counting as progress.
“…still gonna leave sometimes,” he muttered.
“Yeah,” she said easily. “Fair.”
Peter pulled away from the card he’d been working on showing off a surprisingly good drawing of Black Bat looking very heroic with several big red arrows pointing at her mask.
“Hey, that came out really good!”
“Good for a sock, you mean?” Peter said smugly.
“Best sock I ever did see.” She said solemnly.
Peter huffed, clearly pleased despite himself, and added one last aggressive arrow pointing at the mask like he needed to really drive the point home.
That was more so just the cover of the letter, and Spoiler had seen Peter writing something on the inside. He liked Black Bat for more than just her mask, but because she was an excellent vigilante. Even if she wasn’t as popular as Nightwing or Batman.
Spoiler watched him for a second, grin softening just a bit.
He was a good kid, despite his circumstances. A little avoidant? Sure, but daddy issues will do that to a person. (Spoilers! Personal experience talking.) (Nightwing is going to have to pay for his therapy)
Peter finished off the last of his tea and put the trash in his bag. “Um, make sure you get your letter to Batman, by the way!”
“He’d know if I didn’t… he’s the world’s best detective, y’know?” Spoiler said conspiratorily, helping Peter clean up the rest of their mess. Littering is bad, kids!
“Want me to take your letter to Black Bat, too?” Spoiler asked, gesturing to paper tucked into Peter’s pocket.
He thought for a moment. “Uhm… No, I’m good. Wanna give it to her myself.”
Spoiler nodded, somewhat mystified that something so cute was part Nightwing. (But then she remembered what living and working with him was like and it clicked together seamlessly. How someone can never meet their dad and still be the spitting image of them— personality wise— is a wonder. Peter held similarities to Dick in the way Damian was reminiscent of Bruce even when he was the carbon copy of Talia. It was all in mannerisms and expressions, more than anything else.)
She checked the time on her phone, then glanced back out over the rooftops. It was a relatively uneventful night, but she still had to make her rounds.
Duty, unfortunately, called.
“Welp!” she clapped her hands lightly against her knees as she pushed herself up. “Gotta finish my patrol. Crime doesn’t stop just because I’m busy defending my honor.”
“Skill issue.”
“Rude,” she shot back automatically, already stepping toward the edge of the roof. Then she paused, glancing back at him. “You’re a good kid, Peter. You deserve nice things, too.”
Peter didn’t respond to that. He ducked his head instead, shoulders hunching just a little, like he didn’t quite know what to do with something like that.
She couldn’t resist the urge, playfully ruffling his curls. If both Batman and RR got to do it, then she wanted to, too!
Spoiler smiled softly before she dropped off the building and out of sight.
Peter is an easy going kid, but by no means is he easy as a person. He’s sassy and tight-lipped and stubborn. And when he gets fed up with them, as vigilantes and in civvies, he just leaves without a word.
He is difficult, but he is worth it.
Spoiler turned off her mute and was immediately bombarded with Nightwing asking question after question, with an unsurprising Robin in tow.
“How is he? Is he okay? Oh man, I should bring some blankets—” Nightwing somehow managed to hover from across the city. Spoiler rolled her eyes.
“Dude, chill, this is what Peter was talking about with the puppy thing.” Spoiler sighed, grappling out of Robbinville.
“Puppy thing? What puppies?” Nightwing asked, confused.
“Did Peter find some strays?” was Robin’s first priority. He muttered something about ‘going against their pact’, but boy friendships were weird. Spoiler stopped questioning it.
She smiled vindictively.
“Well, actually—”
She cut herself off, spotting something in the distance. A black mass too big to be her lovely and amazing girlfriend, leaving the only viable option being her broody boss-almost-dad-but-not-quite situation. Spoiler did a detour to land on the rooftop next to Batman.
Spoiler didn’t startle, far too used to this. “You have got to stop doing that, man.” she groaned.
Batman didn’t respond, staring ominously. Instead, he extended his hand once Spoiler was closer.
Spoiler raised an eyebrow.
“…seriously?” she said flatly. “No greeting? No ‘how was your night, Spoiler’? Nothing?”
Batman awkwardly cleared his throat. “How was your night, Spoiler—”
“No, nevermind, that was weird,” Spoiler waved him off. She began rummaging around in her pouches, more for show than anything because she wanted to make him wait.
Pulling out the card, still faintly sticky from the glitter glue, placing it into his palm with gusto. “One ‘thank you for giving birth to my girlfriend’ appreciation card!”
Batman was hardly moved by the joke, since it’s been non-stop since RR’s letter. (And when Oracle got ahold of the audio of their conversation. Best favor Spoiler ever used.) He took the card silently, but with surprising gentleness.
“Oh, also…” Spoiler had been thinking about this one for a minute too. “Who's gonna be the one to break it to Peter?”
Batman, adeptly assuming she’s not talking about his parentage, waits for her to elaborate.
“That you’re not part bat and, the best part, that you didn’t give birth to anyone?” She gave an appraising look. “But if you did, you look great!”
Batman looked at her flatly.
“Peter’s coaching me on how to talk to pregnant people and parents,” Spoiler added. “Am I doing good? He said he’d shorten my probation if I got good marks.”
She finally got Batman to do his signature sigh as he turned away, ready to grapple back into the night.
“Don’t you like to…” He paused dramatically to look back at her.. “‘Spoil’ it?”
Batman smirked at Spoiler’s baffled face and the roaring comms before leaping off the roof.
She stood alone, scandalized, as the others roared on the other side.
“Did he just—?”
“I clipped it!”
“I taught him how to do that.”
“No you didn’t”
They laughed like a pack of hyenas, which was a real testament considering Spoiler literally pet sat for Harley last week.
“Dude, you just got served.” Nightwing wheezed uncontrollably.
“The Court themed jokes are only funny from Peter.”
“Jurys out and Batman is in.”
“That doesn’t even make sense!” Spoiler whined.
“Doesn’t matter, you got roasted by B.” Nightwing informed solemnly. Permanent aura loss.
“...You’re the one that’s going to have to explain to Peter that B didn’t give birth to you guys.”
The line went silent once more.
“Fuck…” Nightwing swore softly.
The hyenas returned at max volume.
—+—
When Staphanie came to the batcave the next day, she didn’t know how to feel when she saw her card hung with equal importance, right alongside Tim’s and Peter’s.
Even with Tim’s piss poor creativity, it was at least readable. Some parts were left illegible from where the excessive purple glitter glue bled into the purple marker. It was a bit wrinkled, she wasn’t nearly as gentle with the card as Bruce was, but he’d taken the time to smooth them back out. There was a glitter, way too much glitter, something that annoyed everyone at times. Steph was perpetually covered in glitter day and night, and she naturally left glitter everyone she was. Steph called it her ‘sparkle brightening the room up’, but the others (besides Cass) don’t care for the stubbornness of the glitter.
It’s not that she was so insecure to think Bruce didn’t care about her as much as his actually adopted kids. But she was technically, legally, not his responsibility.
Her mom was still alive, she didn’t live here, and she wasn’t always the best at listening to orders…
Peter thinks batman is like, a bat meta, so he keeps waiting on rooftops and trying to give him fruit and everyone is like "if anyone ruins this im breaking the no kill rule" and Peter's absolutely MORTIFIED when he finds out
Oracle: Hey, batman?
Batman, already sighing. His Dad Gut is going off.
Spoiler: I know that sigh! Is it fruit kid? I hope its fruit kid. Hes insane I love him
Oracle, not even hiding her laugh: fruit kid has a name, ya know
Red Robin, maybe losing his mind a little bit: no one believes his name is Peter Pan! He used the peanut butter as proof when B asked!
Nightwing: hes a riot, RR, gotta respect his commitment to chaos
Batman: same spot as usual?
Oracle: Yep. Oohhh, hes got bananas and watermelon today. I think he was Google best fruit for bats in the library
Robin: no he asked me about that, he was googling how much is safe for them to eat
Theres distorted laughing on the other end of the line
Batman absolutely not upset at all. This is probably the most wholesome interaction hes had with a civilian in years. (Alfred already had a room ready at the manor, unbeknownst to him)
Batman lands stealthily on a rooftop, right on the edge between crime Alley and robbinville. "Fruit Boy", although they mostly call him by Peter too, since he actually responded to that. And also because the last time someone (Read: Spoiler) called his fruit boy, he said she sounded homophobic and hed ruin her street cred. He had put up little Christmas lights for when he waited for Batman so he could find him.
Peter looked behind him just as batman landed. It was suspicious, and maybe running into one too many child assassins had made Bruce weary in his age. Though, its not like Peter actually moved like an assassin... he just seemed to be eerily aware.
Batman only says that because hes seen him trip over nothing, faceplanting into the chili dog with pickles splattering comically all around him. Like a fallen angel, nightwing had said.
Peter peaked up as soon as he saw Batman.
Peter, holding up a platter of fresh fruits for Batman up over his head: Hey! Took you long enough
Batman, smiling lightly: I thought i told you it wasn't safe to keep doing this?
He took a piece of cut up banana regardless.
Peter blew a raspberry.
Peter, eyebrows furrowed: do you know how many calories a bat has to eat a day?
Batman, humorously: how many?
Peter, shrugging: dunno. But i never see you guys eat, so youre probably not hitting the benchmark.
Peter held up a bag of trail mix happily.
Peter: I got some for your birds too!
Laughter exploded on the otherside of the comm. Batman almost chuckled too, but Peter was being earnest. (It was the only time he was earnest, considering he spent the rest of his time roasting Batman and anyone not wearing a full face mask. Which was everyone except Red Hood and Orphan, unfortunately for Batman.)
Batman: thank you Peter, im sure they'll appreciate it.
He ate a couple more pieces of fruit to make Peter happy, but as usual left over half the fruit for Peter. The kid frowned, but had since learned to stop arguing. He seemed to take Bruce not finishing the fruit as him not liking it or some adjacent health problem.
It was like his hand had a mind of its own, Batman watched, unable to stop it as it landed in a mess of brown curls.
Batman panicked, expecting how his kids would normally react. Swatting, a light attempt at stabbing, maybe a bite.
Peter visibly bluescreened, but otherwise seemed to enjoy the touch.
Batman: be safe, okay?
Peter: yeah yeah, wrap it before you tap it, go beat up a mugger or something man
Batman sighed.
This kid was also incapable of taking anything seriously, except the most unserious things. Like feeding Batman fruit and insisting he send trail mix to Robin because hes, quote unquote, "a growing biroy. Get it? I put together bird and boy". He laughed at his own joke for a full seven minutes. Batman had thought he was hit with Joker venom, but no, his humor was really that lame.
Batman shot his grappling hook, showing off a little because it made Peter cheer for him.
He managed to sneak a couple twenties in Peters pocket before leaping into the night.
I just found out that my cat will only eat when I'm watching her because she expects me to keep her safe while she drops her guard, and now I just gotta imagine the Batkids doing similar things to Bruce.
Duke wants to do that thing where Alfred dumps warm laundry on him? Well Bruce needs to be in the room, please.
Tim wants to play videogames on his ipad? Perched on the arm of Bruce's office chair while he talks to investors.
Jason wants to read a book? Lounging on the couch he moved to the Batcave while Bruce is working.
Dick wants to take a lil nap? Propped up against B's side and snoring.
Dami's finally decided to pause training and eat a meal? He makes Bruce hold the soup bowl.
Cassandra's lacing up her new pointe shoes? She's using Bruce as a ballet bar.
Steph's cutting her bangs as a chaotic form of entertainment? Bruce is the one parting her sections.
Sure, they could also be using Alfred for this form of quiet assurance, but if they do, he'll magically have them doing chores within minutes.
I've seen tons of fics where various batkids travel back in time and raise their younger selves or their siblings and that's all good and entertaining but where's the fic where Bruce goes back in time and raises himself. Where's the fic where he says "fuck no" to Alfred "you are not allowed to call me dad or act as if I'm anything but an employee" Pennyworth's 'parenting.' Where's the Bruce that goes back in time and hugs his younger self and tells him he's loved so he doesn't go after 20 yr old women (as a teenage child) for sex for love. Where's the Bruce that protected teen/child Bruce from the upper class poking and prodding and the timer counting down until he turned 18. Where's the Bruce that stormed into younger Bruce's school and sued the teachers that made sexual advances and the kids that bullied and beat him up, and made it extremely clear that he wouldn't be tolerating that and there would be Consequences.
Just. A fic where Bruce learns to love himself by taking care of his younger self the way he did his children, and learning to love himself.
