Me: no lube, no protection, all night, all day, from the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower, from the front porch to the balcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratic, exponent al, logarithmic, while i gasp for air, scream and see the light, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cow girl, doggy, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall, outside, in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over, in the basement, against the window, have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick thribbing, first clenching, ear rining, mouth drooling, ass clenching, nose sniffling, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheet gripping, knuckles cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling. teeth jitterbug, mind blogging, soul snatching, overstimulating, vile, sloppy, moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, back breaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly, lip bitting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty, feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone breaking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, bark worthy, cant walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets soaked, hair drenched, flabbergasting, lip locking, skin peeling, eyelash removing, eye widening, pussy popping, nail stractching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell desolving, hair ripping, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, slendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly, awakening, devils tangos, make me as your eternal lover.
ok listen to me. a long time ago aha made a worm really smart and tried to get it into the genius society. but even though that worm was smart as hell, nous did not give a fuck about it.
you know who else is smart as hell but nous doesnt give a fuck about?
heh. yeah. thats right. despite many people (including himself) feeling like nous should have recognized him a loooong time ago, that computer just doesn’t care.
now, we are left to wonder… why does nous refuse to acknowledge this man..?
i think it’s quite obvious.
my theory is that aha made a SECOND worm really smart. and Then they made the worm into a sexy guy.
and now they’re outside nous’s window, giggling, as everyone in the universe ponders why veritas ratio is not permitted into the genius society.
“what’s wrong, nous? he’s a genius, isn’t he? let him in,” aha goads.
nous is glitching in frustration. “it’s the worm again. i know it’s the worm again.”
How they react to you climbing them in a fit of panic because of a giant centipede nearby.
Pairings: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Diavolo x gn!reader (separately)
Perse's note: Based on this request. <3
You're just casually walking home when you spot a giant purple monster slithering past you. It's at least ten metres long and a metre tall, with long, thick legs all the way down its sides.
Safe to say you're fucking terrified. What more is there to do than immediately going to get rescued by the nearest demon?
—
Lucifer catches you in bridal style. His one hand is on the back of your knees, the other around your back. He gives you the most deadpan look, but you're too busy staring at the monster that's a couple of metres away from you now, to even consider what he thinks of all of this.
"Please get down," he says and considers just letting go of you, but your grip around his neck is strong, and he's afraid you might fall if he attempts to put you down. Besides, and he'll never admit this out loud, he quite likes holding you like this, even if it is in public and other demons are beginning to give him weird looks.
"No, thank you, I think I'll stay here," you politely reply, still eyeing the centipede that's slithering away down the street. Lucifer frowns, but he's tired and wants to go home, so he begins to walk towards HOL, with you still in his arms. "You're quite dramatic," he says and you gasp in dismay, causing the corners of his lips to turn upward. He gives you a look, eyes glinting, and it's clear that he likes teasing you.
"I am not dramatic! A giant monster just came by like it was nothing!" you reply, not at all feeling validated. "Sorry that I have a normal reaction, to a giant bug just casually slithering past me!" This makes Lucifer huff with amusement, and you glare at him, brows furrowed.
Once the centipede is safely out of sight, you reluctantly let him put you down, but you're still clutching his arm and looking around suspiciously not yet ready to let go.
"Oh, please, little lamb, you've experienced much scarier things during your stay here than a harmless centipede," he says and sends you a smile, that lets you know that he's referring to himself. Of course. You roll your eyes and let go of his arm, but Lucifer doesn't stop smiling as you walk back towards HOL, noticing that you still do not let him quite out of your sight.
He's quite honoured that you're so sure he'll keep you safe (he will, but nevertheless) and borderline amused at best, but still, you can't just go jumping on him in public like that. It's not appropriate for an exchange student and the demon of pride. At least wait until you're home before you jump him.
—
When you begin climbing Mammon, he instantly grabs your legs and lets you wrap your arms around his neck so that he's safely piggybacking you. Inwardly, Mammon is screaming. This is the best thing that's ever happened to him since casinos were invented. It doesn't keep him from making fun of you, though, and he laughs loudly.
"Awwww, is my lil' human scared? Good thing ya have the Great Mammon to save ya," he states while puffing his chest out in a proud manner, and you temporarily forget how scared you are of the giant purple monster as you attempt to climb down from his back again, unwrapping your arms and squirming in his hold.
"I changed my mind, I'm going to go get eaten by the centipede now," you say, but Mammon grips your legs tightly while craning his neck to look back at you. "Nooooo, please don't go, I'll miss you," he complains with a pout on his lips, and you sigh but wrap your arms around his neck again and get comfortable on his back.
"Alright, I guess I'll stay here," you reply and rest your head on his shoulder, so you can peek over at whatever's happening in front of you. There’s a considerable distance between you and the monster now, but it's still a little to close for your liking.
Mammon beams at you, practically blinding you with his smile, still very satisfied with his current situation. "Can we get out of here?" you ask and he nods, grabbing your legs tighter, so he's sure you won't fall off.
He sets off on a run, quickly making his way away from the centipede. You look behind you to see the giant slowly turn smaller as you get further away from it, and you turn your head so you can kiss Mammon's cheek. "Thank you, my saviour," you say, and Mammon's cheeks turn crimson as he somehow begins to run even faster. You grip him tightly so you don't fall off, and pray to whatever divine being watching over you that Mammon doesn't trip on your way home.
—
Leviathan is so shocked when you begin to climb him, wrapping your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. You bury your face in his shirt and whisper, "Tell me when it's gone again," and Levi is a goner. He's so happy that you can't see his face because he is beet red. He slowly wraps his arm around you and eyes the centipede, internally thanking it for appearing. (Obviously, he doesn't enjoy the fact that you're scared, but he does, however, enjoy the feeling of your warm body pressed against his.)
"Is it gone?" you whisper, peering up at him, and he's snapped back to reality, meeting your wide eyes. "Uh, is w– what gone?" he asks, and you send him a look. "The giant centipede, Levi. Is it gone?" you ask, and he looks around, noticing, much to his dismay, that the centipede is in fact gone. Just for a second, he considers lying, so he can keep this moment going, but he can't bring himself to do it and nods.
"Y– yeah, it's gone." He states, and you nod, slowly unwrapping your legs. He slowly lowers himself so your feet can meet the ground again, but his arms stay wrapped around you, and so do yours around his neck.
You give him a peck on the side of his lips and a tentative smile, and Levi thinks he might pass out.
"Thanks for saving me, Levi."
"Yeah, no problem."
—
Satan is surprised when you climb his back and whisper into his ear. "What the fuck is that?"
He looks to where your small, shaky finger is pointing and sees the giant centipede slithering down the street. "Oh? That's a giant centipede. Also called Scolopendra gigantea. It's actually quite interesting that it's here, usually they keep to the forests where there's a high humidity–"
"I hate it," you say, interrupting his rant that you're sure could go on for several minutes. Satan blinks, and you snuggle closer to him, prompting him to hook his arms under your knees so that you're more comfortable. Your breath on his neck makes him feel slightly hot, but he can't resist the urge to tease you. "Can we leave now, before it eats me?" you ask, still eyeing the monster and Satan shrugs.
"Actually, centipedes are quite gentle creatures. They have fangs that they use on their prey, but because the poison doesn't have an effect on demons, they never attack–"
"I think you're forgetting that I'm not a demon!" You whine, and Satan chuckles slightly as he begins to walk towards the centipede. "Come on, let's go say hi," he says, and his grip on your legs tightens as you squirm to get out of his hold, feeling very much betrayed by your former centipede protector.
"Nooooo, Satan, I'm too young to dieee!"
—
Hello, earth to Diavolo? Is anyone home?
He's not even focusing on the centipede, although it has actually broken the contract he made with their species. They’re supposed to stay in the forest, and he really should reprimand the gentle beast but he's too busy smiling at the way you climb his side like a koala to even care in this moment. Whatever, he'll tell Barbatos or Lucifer later, and let them deal with it. For now, he's too busy very much enjoying the way you seem to think of him as your protector.
He wraps his arm around your waist, and his cheeks flush as you cling to him. "Oh, this is quite nice," he states, and you send him a look that screams that you're definitely not finding it as nice as he is. He notices that you're slightly trembling and coos at you. His grip on you tightens and his brows furrow slightly.
"Hey, are you alright there?" he asks, and you shake your head. "Save me, Dia," you say, and press your face to his chest, and, oh, he's putty in your hands. A deep chuckle leaves him, and he pats your head. He eyes the centipede which has begun slithering towards the forest, probably because it noticed his presence.
"Don't worry, I got you," he says. "It's gone now, you can come down again," he adds and you hesitantly climb down again. As soon as your feet touch the ground, Diavolo grabs your hand and intertwines your fingers as you begin to walk towards your destination.
Maybe he'll go talk to the centipedes himself to make sure they stay on their territory. He can't have them scaring his little human, now can he?
a/n: aaaaaaaaaah i’m not sure if i like this, but it’s not getting any better so take this offering, i will leave now, thank you, bye
divider by @/cafekitsune
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