so i’ve been offline for a couple of weeks now and it’s been really nice . it’s also given me a lot of time to think about things that need to happen because i need to stop being scared of it because it’s no fun .
as some of you do know because i’ve brought it up to you or because others have come to you , i’ve been lying about my past . however , i’m hoping that you’re willing to hear my story before leaving .
five years ago , i was called out as bowie .
i don’t remember all of the details because i did everything possible to work with my fiance and my doctor to move past it and grow . there were some things in that callout that could not have been further from the truth and other things that are true and i’m not proud of .
first off , let me say that i did not hold onto any proof because my doctor told me that it would hurt more than it would help and he was right . letting go of screencaps and things let me heal and move on instead of holding onto grudges . that said , i can not prove anything that i am saying . but i am telling the truth . at this point , i have no reason not to .
for over a year before the callout came out , i was stalked by one of its creators . i won’t name them or tag them because they’re no longer on tumblr . however , this person was angered by something i had written years before and had already apologized for ( this would have been written nearly a decade ago for context ) and that i was friends with someone they deemed problematic . i also confided in them and another mutual friend about being uncomfortable with someone on the dash because they had helped someone try to end my relationship . that’s genuinely all i remember from the fallout with this person .
the person in question had my personal phone number , my home address , and knew where i worked . at the time i worked with a well known entertainment company so it wasn’t hard to reach out to them . i received multiple empty envelopes from this person , they attempted to reach out to my employer , and things got out of hand .
after the callout , my hangouts were publicly posted , i received death threats , and i was scared . my private social media accounts were posted publicly and tracked . my fiance and i moved out of our old apartment in part to try to feel safe .
that said … i was not perfect nor was i completely innocent . i also participated in keeping an eye on them and watching their blog because i was obsessed with my own reputation and trying to prove that they were a bad person .
i should have just let this go , but i didn’t .
this spiraled for years until the callout .
i will never pretend that i was perfect or that i didn’t talk about people behind their back . because i did . i vented to people i thought were friends and said horrible things i should not have . these things were not intended to get back to anyone . they were intended to stay in a small server of friends . however , they didn’t . and i learned from that .
however , many of the people mentioned in the callout were those i had already tried to make amends with . some , not all .
also , prior to the callout , i had only recently been medicated properly . this is not an excuse , however it does provide an explanation for some of my behavior .
at the time , i was bouncing between meds and was honestly out of my mind because things weren’t working . there’s an entire chunk of time missing from my memory because i was put on abilify and it completely fucked my brain up . i’m still responsible for anything i said or did during this time , but i genuinely don’t remember it .
after the callout , i was angry . i hid on other blogs in other fandoms and tried to ignore it and write . before i was found , i made mox’s blogs and started with the idea of trying to just write , not get involved with people , keep to myself , and try to have fun .
it was not started with the intention of hurting anyone or trying to keep tabs on anyone . i made blogs because i wanted an outlet and wanted to write . for the past two years , i’ve made it a point to try to keep my distance from people i knew had problems with me and i’ve worked on myself . i’ve tried to be someone who was positive and who tried to do the right thing .
in the process of that , the guilt kicked in because i wasn’t being honest because i was afraid not only of losing the people i’d befriended and cared about … but also because i was scared of this small group of people who had sent me death threats , who had posted about places i hung out , who i knew had my old address .
i don’t expect anyone to understand it all . and that’s fine . i don’t expect people to stay. it sucks and it’s okay .
but i do want to say that i’m sorry .
i’m sorry for lying to you all. i’m sorry to anyone i’ve hurt in the past . and i’m sorry to anyone who still feels like i’m trying to hurt them or i’m going after them .
i have no intention of going after anyone or keeping tabs on anyone .
i’ve let go of so many grudges and so much anger from five years ago and i’ve spent the past few years trying to show that i’m a better person .
and that starts with being honest .
i do want to say a specific i’m sorry to @deadlcrd ( i know that blog isn’t active , but i don’t know the url you are active on ) . i don’t remember what happened back in 2018 . i do remember we didn’t like each other and i said things i shouldn’t have about you behind the scenes . and for that , i’m truly sorry . i’ve been made aware that you got a hit on your blog from me sometime last year and i just wanted to let you know that it was not from me stalking you or keeping tabs on you . i was looking through commission examples on a blog and the examples were listed only as ( 1. 2. 3. ) . i didn’t realize that they weren’t linked as example pages but that they were linked directly to the blogs that commissioned them until after i started looking through them . i’m so sorry that i made you feel like i was watching you . i have no ill will toward you and wish you nothing but the best .
again , to anyone i’ve hurt , even unintentionally , i’m truly sorry and understand if you don’t want to speak to me .
i don’t know when or if i’ll be back around as i’m currently focusing on writing a book during NaNoWriMo . i’ve logged out of my rp discord to keep focused on that , but i’m willing to give my personal to mutuals who want to keep in touch .
i’ll be reblogging this on my active blogs and will have it linked in my rules if i do come back as i will continue going by mox as i’ve done everything i could to put my mistakes as bowie behind me .
i’m not going to be discussing much regarding this or answering things publicly as , again , i’m trying to move past this and would like the chance to continue showing you that the person you’ve known for the past years is who i really am .
no matter what happens , i hope you all keep thriving and i’m cheering for you <3
Is this some kind of fucking joke?
I’m not going to fully address the fact of timing for when the call out took place, because that’s not even my biggest problem with this. But as a note Ais dated her first writing wade as 2018, and the initial large call out of you took place at least a year after. I’m sure I could go back and find the reblogs of it, but I’d bet it was closer to late 2019 when the Bowie call out was posted.
What I will address is your implication that you were called out for one thing that happened almost a decade ago. Since you’ve conveniently forgotten, I’ll remind you. You were called out for being transphobic, anti-Semitic and racist. You were called out for stealing graphics and designs from people. You were called out for lying to and gaslighting just about everyone in the marvel RPC. You were called out for stalking and doxing people. The people you claim were stalking you. You were called out for gatekeeping, sending anon hate to others and sending it to yourself and claiming everyone else sent it to you. And it was easily proven to be lies. You claimed Val had sent you anon hate well after she had blocked you. And you know how I know she didn’t send it? SHE HAD BEEN SITTING NEXT TO ME FOR FIVE HOURS and neither of us were even on Tumblr. You were called out for all the things you’re still doing on your blogs now.
We were on a mod team for a marvel rpc server together and you pushed us into having a block/do not allow list of people you claimed had done terrible things to you. Val, Gem, Ais, Luca, Sam all were people you told me had stalked or talked shit or made you feel unsafe. You made us ban Honey because she “stole” from you, when it turned out to be the other way around. And when I realized what kind of person you are, reached out and apologized to them and actually talked to them THEY were the people that made me feel safe. They were the people that welcomed me with open arms and loved me and Tony and all of my subsequent blogs. I don’t talk to most of them often anymore, but when I do, it’s always like seeing an old, close friend.
A survivors group of many of the people you had maligned put together the call out you claim you don’t remember what it contained. We were meticulous with our screenshots and proof, we had you dead to rights and for a few months it was peaceful and we could enjoy our blogs without being anxious.
And then you came back as Mox. And your style was easy to notice back then, when it was fresh and sooooo similar. And you bullied the people who put that together to the point of making them apologize. There were huge dash posts of people apologizing to you. When you knew the whole time you were the same person. And you’re still doing it! Shame on me for not realizing you and that mox for the same person, but unlike your claims I really did move on and get a life. But writing Tony for more than small amounts of time just became impossible. And it’s a shame because I miss him and the joy his story brought me.
You didn’t fess up because you were guilty, you fessed up because I’m sure someone called you on it. After you were an utter hypocrite and called out someone else for lying about who they were. Not a single word of this reads like an apology or that you’ve changed. It reads as a justification and a way to shirk your responsibility and culpability.
Don’t mind me. Just here sipping this tea. This piping hot, I was right tea.
