A reflection on my former self:
Originally, âKittyMarieâ began as a simple nickname, a fun play on my real name that also referenced the individual that I admired at the time. It wasnât until after that individual left the world, however, that it started becoming more than just a nickname. It became a kind of brand. It became so much bigger than I had ever intended it to be, ramping up to almost unbearable levels as I became a kind of symbol for the collective grief of the community that I belonged to. People I had never spoken to before would stop me in the hallways at conventions and ask me if I was KittyMarie. I even got recognized at Free Comic Book Day in May 2014, one of the most surreal and, in hindsight, creepy moments of my life. While the majority of people that did this obviously meant well, it still made me feel uneasy, especially because at the heart of the matter was the fact that literally none of these people would have known who I was if the guy hadnât died.
One of the breaking points for me was ConnectiCon 2017, where I was invited to sit at the Channel Awesome table in the dealers room while the people from the site signed autographs and sold merch. While there, somebody asked me for my own autograph, and it made me more confused than flattered. Why did this person want MY autograph? I didnât make videos. I didnât act in any of the shows. The only reason why they would know me is because of the dead individual.
On the sinister side of things, the trolls that made it their mission to make everyone affiliated with the community miserable found an excellent target in me. In some corners of the Internet, my nickname became a byword for psychotic, unhinged, crazy, everything wrong with fans of the site. This only got worse after the controversy of 2018. I was victim blamed beyond imagining. I lost several friends. People who had been associated with me in the past exploited their connection to me for clicks and engagement.ïżŒ KittyMarie had spiraled out of control, and there was literally nothing I could do about it.ïżŒ
By the time I gave up the persona for good, she wasnât me anymore. She was a warped version of me that had been propped up by years of trauma and expectations from others and blown up into something that I no longer recognized.
Iâm several years removed from that part of my life now, and I feel more free than ever not having to carry that weight of being KittyMarie. Iâll never pick up the cat ears again, but Iâm sure some parts of the original idea of her still exist deep down inside me, the qualities of unapologetic passion and tenacity and not being afraid to love loudly. KittyMarie the brand is dead, and the nickname may now live in the past as well, but the passion and love that defined her â for her friends, for her new heroes, and, finally, for herself â is still as alive as ever.
