4 and 30 for the NPD ask game?
4. is there anything non-narcissists feel, think, or do that you just can't wrap your head around?
Guilt, and the lack of the "constructed" self.
I've realized over time, that any and all forms of real "guilt" I've felt have really been shame. Guilt has always been a performance, there when it was servicable as a spectacle, there when others would have eyes on me and could feel bad for me, there when misery could be beneficial. The shame would hit much later. That deep pit of self-hatred, the innate sense that there is something wrong with and broken about me. I lack the empathy necessary to recognize when I've hurt or upset others without it directly spelled out for me, and even then, I tend to dodge it because shame feels like I'm being flayed alive. I don't particularly feel "bad" for it, or I convince myself it was needed, or that I was right all along. I didn't really realize that guilt wasn't something I felt until I had asked my girlfriend and close friends what it felt like for them. That isn't to say I don't know right from wrong, or am incapable of sincerity when I apologize. It's just different, I guess. I always thought everyone felt the way I did when I'd say I felt guilty. I, for years until recently, believed everyone performed guilt and that it wasn't "real," or purely constructed to make me feel ashamed. If others felt guilty, I'd taunt them either in my mind or, especially when I was younger, to their face. I'd look down on people. Because I thought, because it wasn't real for me, that it must not be real at all, and everyone took me for a fool.
As for the constructed self, it baffles me to learn that other people are capable of having thoughts, opinions, interests and hobbies without some kind of third-party intervention. Without the need to chase adoration. I don't have a single passion or interest that doesn't involve somehow being adored, being around others, or impact the view others have on me. Everything, genuinely, comes back to my need for adoration and attention.
I have a specific, curated personality for everyone. Everyone gets to see and witness a specific, still pretentious, "me," changed ever so slightly just for them. Whatever works well enough to make them love me, even if it's for a fraction of a moment. I can be pathetic, if they want me to be, if pity and misery is what makes them like me. I can be capable, beautiful, if need be. Childish, mature, masculine, feminine, arrogant, humble, overt, covert... All while I rot from the inside. My personality and identity feel a lot like dress-up. I have this ideal self, of course. Everything ties back to it, in some way, but some feel truer than others. I've even performed, and convinced myself of, other disorders because I believed it was what was expected of me by certain people. I don't like thinking about that.
30. what's your most common grandiose fantasy?
Oh God, where do I start?
I guess the most common one would be the idea of being noticed by someone I admire heavily, usually someone famous or with a large platform, and worming my way into their social circles. They'd notice how exceptional I am, how talented, intelligent, bright and wonderful I am, and keep me around. They'd begin to entrust their projects to me as they get overwhelmed, mentor me, and perfect where I am rough around the edges. They'd admire me back. Their audiences, as they begin giving me reign of their projects, begin to admire me, just as much if not more than them. Sometimes it feels more like destiny, than a fantasy.
Ever since I was very young, I had this fixed belief that I was destined to be famous, no matter the cost. Like it was an innate fact of reality. It changed shape over the years, and I suppose this is the most common form?
