stason-blr’s blog

my seven followers are gonna LOVE this / writing to get off my chest

[stason-blr]

i don’t know, dragonfly

i don’t know where i’m headed

the months have passed me by

and i dream about us wedded

i don’t know, dragonfly

i don’t know, but i dread it

the day you start flying high

and i’m left where we ended

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i grasp the air and clench it to my chest

nothing can save me, not deep breaths

when i break down in the sheets of my bed

are you able to tell? able to sense?

i’m quite aware of my lack of progress

walking backwards, i’m a trainwreck

i’m thinking about the future ahead

does wishing you best come at my expense?

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2:45AM

and my mind’s Back On You

If Only i could fix

my Restless Little Heart

String the pieces together

Trick myself it’s You

The Dream’s hard to live in

when Real Life hits me

my angel no longer

Hard Memory to lose

Wake Up from fantasy

not Walking After You

Love Is Everywhere, but

Loving You, i cherish

Lucky to have lived it

Greens Eyes say Last Goodbye

‘2:45AM’ - Elliot Smith

‘Back On You’ - Djo

‘If Only’ - The Marías

‘Restless Little Heart’ - The Favors, FINNEAS, Ashe

‘String’ - Alex G

‘Trick’ - Alex G, ‘You’ - Radiohead

‘The Dream’ - The Favors, FINNEAS, Ashe

‘Real Life’ - The Marías

‘my angel’ - Adrianne Lenker

‘Hard’ - Hayley Williams, ‘Memory’ - Alex G

‘Wake Up’ - Alanis Morissette

‘Walking After You’ - Foo Fighters

‘Love Is Everywhere’ - Magdalena Bay

‘Loving You’ - Wet Leg

‘Lucky’ - Radiohead

‘Green Eyes’ - Coldplay, ‘Last Goodbye’ - Post Animal

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“and the universe said i love you, for you are love”

yet i boil over in hatred

each second is spent in my own regret

falling for my own sorrow

teary eyed and doing nothing

always returning to you

always wanting you

always missing you

always wanting more

always wanting comfort

always waiting

i never got tired of waiting

i never would’ve gotten tired

i would’ve waited

i would have stood there

i would have asked

i would have listened

i could be laughing

i could be sleeping

i could be moving, walking

i could be moving on

i could be smiling

if not for you

if not for your awe

if not for my “loyalty”

my “dedication”

that rips me apart

if i didn’t worship you

if i didn’t worship us

if i didn’t worship what we were “meant” to be

if i didn’t worship “love”

for this is no longer love

for love is forgiveness

love is recognising that living is beyond this

that connection is greater

that warmth is destined beyond this

beyond one love

beyond one person

beyond those months

beyond that supposed future

the one set in stone

it changes as i change

breathes as i breathe

and while the concept is the same

a loving home for a partner and children

the pictures on the wall change

faces are blank but my own

the house is restructured

the same amount of love

and space for even more

the universe said i love you

for i was love

i was loved

i am loved

i do love

i will be loved

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May the world adore you as you adore it

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i write your birthday cards months beforehand

thought of buying that nail gel probably before you did

these ridiculous offers that i never get to give

now, don’t you know i’m generous? my heart needs this to live

when i walk beside you and my eyes start to water

i wonder if you notice, and if you do, ignore it

i’m fucked and i’m stupid

i’m sensitive beyond words

i kick myself over, and god it hurts

but nothing you can do or say is worse

you’ve done nothing, you’ve been living

i’ve been drowning in my curse

no reason to linger, no grasping for air

for all i know, i live in gay doom and despair

i should come to your window

and you should let me in

how i’d pray to be allowed to want you again

what if this were a movie

and we got a second chance?

we’d have the kids and the house we joked of living in

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I can’t stay up without needing to write

God knows it’s nothing different tonight

Look at my reflection with a blank face

The world’s spinning, how do I keep the pace?

I wish that I was living with nothing to outrun

The box that I live in is in all good harmless fun

I trapped myself here all within your name

you’re not sick knowing that I take more than half the blame?

now we’re friends, when we’re friends, I take time to fuck it up

and when it ends, it never ends. if only I had puckered up

The night when you kissed me and I didn’t think to jump

re-run it now, this is my vow: I’m prepared to show up

and i’m so sorry that I’m always thinking about you again

that I pass you and I glance at your perfect glowing skin

I miss your hands in my hands, i’m not the same without them

heart melts when you talk, mind scatters to defend

Don’t know enough about you, guess i’m a pretender

i’ve been told i assume, it’s my right to remember

to grasp the little that we were given

i hope that i am not forgiven

I hate it here without you, I hate when you’re near

i love it when you’re gone, i love to disappear

in crowded rooms, where i’m doomed to relive

those months of my life that were the greatest curse i’ll live

And now i’m singing songs in pitied endearment

It’s been too long, but fuck, at least i’m consistent

I’m ashamed, I’m a bum, i’ve done nothing since you left

the same as those months, did nothing to begin with