Not loa related, but please invest in yourself completely. You cannot continue to take on the role of your parents and be their successor in your own demise and degradation. If this way of self-talk/ criticism was the way to a better version of yourself, it would've worked by now.
If this self talk worked you'd be richer than a Dubai prince, if the way to being beautiful was to criticize your looks at how your family did when u were a tiny little thing, you'd be a world-renowned model.
Please invest in yourself, your education, your time and what u consume so completely and utterly to the point where it is an offense to put u in one box and to the point where the compliments you've been dying to hear are too simple for you.
Make sure everything is ready the previous night so when u wake up you don't worry your little head about a thing. Invest in your education and learn things like you're thinking about the future for your own child,. Because you want to be well equipped, not because you should look well-educated to the public, because you want an easier life for yourself.
Ask yourself things with curiosity instead of explaining every little detail to people around you because you've made the world your council, filled your mind with people who you should listen to because they "know better". If u make the world your council and ask them something as simple as if you're allowed to breathe, they'll still say no.
The desire to stay so small and quiet comes from a fear that we'll become the people who have hurt us, and just one more thing we can not bear. That's how monstrous the idea of taking care of yourself is to a person who pleases and fawns. There's others who "exist" more than us, right?
But if you invest, even in the most ridiculous thing, you do something scary and you create a small space only for you in your OWN mind, it's only then we feel alive.
We feel our needs, and then our desires start feeling important, then we think, " wait, there's one more person we have to give to"
Even in the most ridiculous wants u have, u can listen to it. You have a thing for expensive textiles, you love Chinese embroidery art, and you want to live in a ryokai for the rest of your life. It's not a matter if things are ridiculous or not, you carry a thousand fake beliefs about your life and looks by other people, things people have said to u and haven't thought about a 2nd time for the rest of their life. It's like stepping on a flower once, and the whole species goes extinct.
You can believe in that, but you can not give yourself a thought of pleasure because it's too unreal?
Maybe for the version others have built of you, the things u want are too big for that simple you. Well It's a good thing they're not too big for who you really are.
The point is not to tell you to always be righteous and do right. You've got your own discernment and morals. But whether you live the life u want or not, at least let it be your choice.
Invest in yourself like you exist.