This Is All That I Got

"Just your average, awkward teenage kid who's never had much luck with the ladies," and I come here to bitch about it all. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm maturing and this blog tracks me every step of the way. These are the selected chapters of my story and I'm just here to tell the tales.

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

Anxiety

I haven’t been on Tumblr in years but I’ve decided to return as my anxiety has gotten very bad and I decided to write about it on here. It started a couple of weeks ago when I got a virus. It was the second time I’ve been sick this summer and after the symptoms of my virus disappeared I had felt like something had been stuck in my esophagus or sternum for days. Eventually when it got really bad, I went to the ER where they gave me a GI cocktail which made that feeling go away. 

The next week I had these weird chest spasms and pains that I was convinced was a serious heart condition. The physical symptoms went into muscle spasms and some annoying bouts with the hiccups. I eventually saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed .5 mg of Klonopin and a full Zoloft. 

The first day it seemed to help a little bit. I know the Zoloft takes time to kick in but yesterday it felt like I had to think about breathing, instead of just doing it involuntarily. My family and friends told me it was a panic attack and that if it was a side effect of the medication I would have had it the first times I took it. Eventually at night it went away but I woke up at night and in the morning feeling really anxious and restless again. After I took my prescribed dose of medication in the morning again I started feeling the same issue of needing to consciously think about breathing in order to do it correctly 

I’m in a state of turmoil and not sure what to do. What constant panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time. I can’t seem to find ways to distract myself.

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

The struggle of life is believing something without any proof of it; living is fighting through that struggle to get to the proof.

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter?

The Script

[howdoiputthisgently]

WHAT GOES THROUGH MY MIND WHENEVER IM IN A CROWDED PLACE

[howdoiputthisgently]

WHEN I SHOW UP SOMEWHERE EARLY AND FEEL AWKWARD

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

Quarter Life Crisis

At the beginning of this semester, I was so happy. I thought I had finally found my way. I thought I had matured and I was finally ready to fit in and be happy where I belong. Now, nearing the end of the semester, I couldn't be any more confused.

I always have these momentary sweets spots in my life, where I am sure that it is my time to shine. That people will accept me for who I am and I can connect with them on any level and everything will just be easy and happy and fun. The problem with me is when I get these opportunities that I never get and then I choke.

My biggest complaint is that I'm never really given a chance. Whether it's because I'm overlooked because of my shy, awkward persona or that I don't stand out in a crowd of more attractive, more personable guys or because I don't go too many bars or parties, I've always felt like I just haven't been given chances when I put myself out there.

I was finally given a chance a couple of months ago and I think I have been choking ever since. I always liked to imagine myself as the kind who would step up in the clutch. I might not be the most confident or the most eloquent or the most suave but when I got my chance I was going to run with it. I always thought that if someone could actually like me for me, then I would find it easy to connect with that person.

I couldn't be more wrong. I feel like a complete failure and a complete pussy and what's worse is I don't even know what to do about it. I hate the feeling of losing something that I never really had to begin with. Like I was on the road to something and I ran out of gas. But that's what has been my history in recent years. I always take one step forward towards happiness and normality and then two steps backwards. And with every step backward I feel less and less sure that I can bounce back.

Recently I just feel like I don't fit in any where. There may be a few people who actually care about me but I'm so unsure of who actually does any more. I wish I could do more to be better. I'm trying my hardest and it just isn't enough and when I do that, I don't know what more I can do. I wish I could be better. I just wish I was better.

[javierbardem]

[frankoceano]

[jasonttodd]

#one of life’s most important lessons #brought to you by a derranged monkey

[msmandapants]

If that ain’t true.

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

Sometimes I Just Hate Myself

I feel like I am digressing. About two months ago I thought I was finally on my way to doing what I need to to succeed. I felt less stressed and more in control of my own life. Lately, I don't know what's going on. But I'm feeling more stressed about the present and the future and wondering if I have what it takes to get to where I want to in life.

I've woken up the last two mornings having mini panic attacks. Part of this was about the terror attack in Boston and how crazy the world seems to be getting. Part of it has been my own mind messing things up in my head about what is wrong with me. Either way, I just haven't been able to shake off this feeling of depression as well as I normally do.

It's not a case of nothing going right for me, it's just a case of feeling like I'm last in a race and have no way of catching up. I feel like I'm not living up to my own expectations, which makes me think that I'm not living up to others expectation of myself. I hate to sound like the self loathing narcissist that I come off as sometimes, but I just can't help it. I'm worried that I'm getting into a deep state of depression that I can't fight back from like I was in the summer of freshmen year. I don't know how to stop it. I just want to feel like myself again and be happy where I am but I don't know how to. 

[howdoiputthisgently]

WHEN IM TRYING TO DECIDE WHETHER TO GO OUT AND BE SOCIAL OR SIT AT HOME ON MY ASS

[howdoiputthisgently]

WHEN IM THE ONLY ONE AMONG MY GROUP OF FRIENDS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP

[howdoiputthisgently]

MY THOUGHTS ON PEOPLE WHO START STUDYING FOR FINALS MORE THAN A FEW DAYS BEFORE

[howdoiputthisgently]

WHEN I SHOULD BE GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE IT

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Unwell

If I was an alcoholic or even a casual drinker, the last few weeks would involve a lot of alcohol ingestion. I don't feel right as of late, and I didn't want to whine about it, but I find myself needing to unload even if it is via Tumblr.

I should be happy, or at least satisfied with my life. I'm doing well in school, have a job/internship on the horizon and I feel like I have grown. It's the corniest thing to say but if people saw me on campus, I seem fine, but I don't feel fine.

I feel lonely and stressed and old and pathetic. Maybe it's because none of my friends could come out and play with me tonight so I'm sitting in a library on a Friday night or maybe it's just because I don't have as many friends as I should. This whole week, I have just felt like giving up. Not like seriously dropping out of school or anything serious like that. I just don't have the will to do work anymore. I feel like I've got nothing left and whatever I gave up has gotten me to this point of utter depression and loneliness.

I don't know what to do. If there was a specific thing that I knew was causing this feeling, at least I could put some effort into fixing it. I'm just tired. Physically tired. Mentally tired. Tired of feeling this way. I don't want to wake up in a year and be feeling the same way. I swear I have tried to grow and succeed in this world, but I can't bring myself to the point of being truly happy. All I want is to be happy, and nothing seems more impossible then that at the moment.

[stephenlevine9291-blog]

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be

[spygirl1129-blog]

[billieviperarchive]