thoughts, ideas && signs of a struggle

[rwarbelow]

This is the story of how I met the kindest person on this planet and how he left before it was time. I wrote this mainly for me because I don’t want to forget any of it. If you know me, you’ll know that I am not the kind of person to share much. So most of what I’ve written is stuff that I never...

[stevesdrop]

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[stuffhappening]

all autocompletes were screenshots of actual searches on 12/3/2013

photo credit: Mike Allen

This Photoshoot

The idea was inspired by the UN Women campaign by Memac Ogilvy & Mather Dubai. 

Racism from Absence

In my 19 years in America, I’ve never been stopped and frisked. Cops are always nice to me. People have no problems sitting next to me on the bus. No one’s scared of me no matter what direction I pointed my cap. 

The kind of Asian racism that makes headlines is cultural misappropriation -when some “insensitive” entertainer wears silk kimonos and painted faces to look exotic.

This never bothered me.

It’s the subtle, slippery racism that’s far more sinister. The absence of Asian leads in a non-martial arts movie or TV shows means I grew up knowing only non-Asian celebrities and role models. And that if you’re an Asian guy, you are not the stuff of fantasies girls grew up dreaming about.

The absence of Asians from politics and upper management means that Asians can be hard workers and geniuses but never leaders.

Above all, there seems to be some perma-foreignness about Asians. It’s not unusual to be told to “go back to China” and to be mocked for an accent we don’t have. The manifestations of this viewpoint range from the seemingly harmless to the outright hostile. But the underlying message is the same. Asians are not real Americans.

Inspirational Racism

I vividly remember seeing this racism first-hand in a conversation with one of my former business partners. I wanted to create a mentoring program in a predominantly Asian school organization.

He flat out told me he had no interest in helping Asians succeed in America. I asked him, “Are you serious?” He said, “Yeah.” He laughed a little.

He was serious.

It was a wtf moment for many reasons and was a major factor behind my decision to leave my position as a co-founder. I eventually heard from a mutual friend that he said I was a follower not a leader.

In retrospect, I’m fortunate to have heard him verbalize something that others keep to themselves. It allowed me to move on to bigger and better things instead of wasting time working with someone who never saw me as a partner. 

Confessions of an ABC Banana Twinky

I’ve been uncomfortable being Asian since the 2nd grade. Back then I was the foreign kid who didn’t speak any English who became the butt of every joke.

This bullying motivated me to learn English fast. By 3rd grade, I was nearly fluent and huge chunk of my vocabulary were insults and comebacks.

In 4th grade I started seeing my race as a handicap. I thought the only way to be accepted is to break every Asian stereotype. As a result, I avoided the other Asian kids. I stopped caring about my grades. Then there was the denial. For a period of my life I was Chinese Clayton Bigsby. I actually felt like I was white. 

In the 6th grade one of my friends picked a fight with me for no reason and told me to go back to China. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have taken it so hard, since he was the same friend who used to jerk off his cat.

—-

When I moved to a better school district in the 8th grade, a lot of the overt forms of bullying disappeared. Despite this, I still scoffed at Asian cliques and was embarrassed to speak Chinese in public or do anything which reminded people of who I really was. 

The only time I referenced my race was through self-deprecating humor. 

—-

In college, I became “ok” with being Asian. I didn’t feel embarrassed to speak Chinese in public anymore. I also started to see some value in Asian culture and re-developed interest in the history.

I was also in a serious relationship with someone who accepted me fully. I also joined a business fraternity that was predominantly Asian.

I took a lot of steps in the right direction, but I still felt divided. It wasn’t until  my second time meditating with a Shaman that I finally confronted the self-loathing I built up through the years. 

—-

I learned that by acting opposite to my stereotypes, I’m still letting ignorance control my life. Instead, the only thing that matters is figuring out who I want to be, and seeing if my actions are consistent with that version of myself.

The challenge is being honest with myself and admitting when my actions come from a place of insecurity and defensiveness. Committing to change that behavior is one of the purest expression of “self” stripped of delusion and denial.

—-

Note: I’m just some guy with a Finance background who rescues cats and makes videos. I don’t know doodle squats about race relations. Everything comes from my experiences growing up, and I hope some part of this resonates. 

If you have any comments, agreements, or disagreements please drop me a line via the confirm/deny link on the upper left corner. I’m also reachable by email here. 

[scratchingpad]

One day I noticed Ralph’s belly was getting enormous while his friend Dobby was still meowing for food. Apparently the last few times I fed them and ran out the door resulted in Ralph eating more than his fair share. In response, I started hand feeding the cats out of these plastic cups. Then this happened.

Update: This guy needs to write all my bios. The first part is almost a haiku

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4-Step Writing Process 

Read More

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#adviceonion

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Ok, but I’m trying to use the bathroom

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Real reason the government shut down

Read More

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What it’s like to work after lunch

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Independence is Owning Your Actions

I had a moment of clarity two months ago. I was really horrendous at ending things - relationships, business relationships, and most sandwiches. 

I realized this, as I was sitting in a meeting about having to roll my side projects into the company I was working for - which despite a team of amazing people - is a vacuous hole where my only ownership is a title and the promise of future salary. 

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How did it come to this? I found a pencil and traced back six years.

NYU Stern - Finance & Statistics: Parents thought I should pursue a PHD in Finance. Got some money from Stern.

UBS Debt Capital Markets: Brian (friend from NYU) recommended me as "the best candidate" for this job. Got the offer immediately. Took it because I was tired of interviewing.

Startup Co-Living Project: UBS was killing me. Slept less than 20 hours a week. Trevor (roommate) and Louie (roommate) wanted to build a co-living space for entrepreneurs. I became obsessed with this idea. Immediately left UBS to work on this project. 

Lean Startup Machine: Startup Co-Living was stalling. Trevor had another startup in which his co-founder just quit. Needed someone to help him co-organize. I'm in. 

Inside Startups: Trevor co-founded another startup which he needed help in. I'm in. Eventually we both get ejected from Inside Startups by his other partner. The equity I was promised didn't exist because apparently Trevor's partner owned 100% of it. 

Laugh Fiend: Louie has another startup called Laugh Fiend with his partner Jimmy, who eventually moved in. I had some interest in comedy. Joined as a co-founder to make comedy videos and throw events. Eventually I realized Laugh Fiend has no chance of ever making money, took my half of the event money, and ran.

Ambitious Media: Due to a falling out between my roommates, I was asked to give up everything and focus 100% on Lean Startup Machine. Decided to quit Lean Startup Machine instead to continue with Louie on the Startup Co-Living project. When financing for that collapsed, I rolled my partnership into Ambitious Media and worked on camera rentals, production, and social media marketing.  

Ambiance: Came up with the name because of the first three letters. Became the official part of Ambitious which dealt with nightlife and promotions. Spawned two modeling accelerators which I lived out of. Aside from coming up with the name my participation was pretty tenuous from day one. Eventually downgraded to being a tenant and occasional photographer. 

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Revisit each important fork in your life. Did you ever have the chance to make a decision that you can own completely, or was it because there was some momentum that pushed you. 

Are you where you are today out of convenience, desperation, or boredom? 

I think this is what independence means. To be able to act in a way that is 100% an expression of your will. In creative endeavors it means not compromising your vision. In business it means not selling out on your principles or interests. At minimum. 

Unfortunately this was not the case for me in the last six years. Most of my adventures were the product of proximity and circumstance. Luckily I'm out of that trap and have moved on to greener pastures.

To understand what an "expression of will" is and how to differentiate between positive and negative influence is a much lengthier subject.

But self-reflection, per usual, is step one.

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New Job, New Home, New Madness

I've done a bad job keeping this under wraps for the past two months. But, for those who don't know, I recently pivoted out of Ambitious Media to start my own venture - which after several dozen iterations of explanations - can be summarized as "helping foster cats become Youtube stars so they can get adopted." 

To this end I'm converting one floor of a new apartment into an utopia cat-playground - drawing influence from Rufus Towers, The Cats House, Kittens on a Roomba - among other elements. 

What? Why?

1. I've never been able to own a cat or a dog. Growing up in restrictive apartments, the closest I've come is a pair of hamsters which procreated and then confused their babies for food pellets.

2. Cats outperform humans on Youtube. I made a jokey comment on time on how there are probably more views on Youtube per cat-ita than per capita. This set off a chain reaction where I've become convinced that there should be some type of agency which only managed pets.

3. Video advertising needs to be disrupted. We can do better than putting in a 30 second ad between a viewer and their content. It backfires for me because it creates an association between the brand and the feeling of annoyance. Also not a fan of those little banners with the tiny x's.

With the Scratching Pad. I'm going to try to organically integrate the marketing with the content by creating point of sales links for all of the products the cats interact with in the videos. But this also means not compromising on the quality and being honest when something doesn't work - like a cat toy that no cat actually likes.

4. Most importantly I want to create a sustainable business solution to create more churn for cats in shelters. We can argue this on end, but the only way to make real change in the world is re-aligning incentives so that something that is traditionally considered "charity" changes into something that looks more like "business." 

If I can show a profit for rotating cats out of shelters and into permanent homes, then it means that there are opportunities for other people to do the same thing.

More importantly, if this works out for partner brands, then it builds the case for more marketing budget to be allocated to projects which promote social good - in ways which are even more interesting.

5. I'm a masochist. Plus I'm allergic to cats.

---

Why are you telling me this?

First, and most importantly, I need to connect with people who know something about selling ads, product placement, interfacing with large brands, or anything else on the ads/marketing perspective. This is the one area I have pretty much no idea about. 

Second, I'm looking for writers, actors, and other creatives who want to participate in the content creation. I'm going to make part of the space into a green screen room for visual effects. 

Third, if you can connect me with press, other bloggers, or people with a lot of social media clout please let me know as well. I think the story of this project is pretty interesting by itself, but I still need to get it in front of as many people as possible.

Finally, if you like cats and want to visit or if you just want to tune in to see how this goes, please feel free to stay in contact with me. I'm going to update pretty frequently on this blog for behind the scenes thoughts and progress logs. 

The best way to reach me is via email: [email protected]. Or find me here http://www.facebook.com/stevesdrop. I'll accept almost anyone who doesn't have a spam account.

[stevesdrop]

GRADING RYAN HOLIDAY'S "25 RULES FOR LIVING FROM A (SEMI-)SUCCESSFUL 26-YEAR-OLD"

The original post

ASSIGNMENT: Write 25 rules which helps others become "semi-successful." Maximum of 4 points per rule for a total of 100 points. 

RULE #1: Talking about what you’re going to do makes you a lot less likely to actually do it. Keep your plans to yourself.

GRADE: +0 According to Robert Cialdini - oral communication of your intentions actually increases commitment. See Commitment and Consistency Principle.

  RULE #2: If it’s less than 2 floors, never take the elevator. Take the stairs. Nassim Taleb talks about this too: Carry your own bags. Take the stairs. Walk instead of taking a cab. You were already planning to go to the gym later, don’t be an idiot. Exercise is exercise.

GRADE: +4 Ok.

  RULE #3: Always pull the car up to the very end of the curb (never waste a parking spot)

GRADE: +4 Ok.

  RULE #4: Public speaking is only hard or scary if you don’t think you know what you’re talking about. That’s relatively simple to fix.

GRADE: +1 Public speaking takes practice. Knowing the subject matter is half the battle. Otherwise we'd all be able to deliver our life stories on stage.

  RULE #5: Never recline your seat on an airplane. Yes, it gives you more room–but ultimately at the expense of someone else. In economics, they call this an externality. It’s bad. Don’t do it.

GRADE: +1.5 Meh, most seats are built to recline with minimal interference to the person behind you. 

  RULE #6: After you’re done eating at a restaurant, just hand the waiter your card. You don’t need to see the receipt first (99% of the time it’s right and if it isn’t–it’s their fault. Send them back to fix it). Also, there’s no need to calculate the tip. I just enter the final number I’m paying. I’m paying them, they can do the math for me. (Provided you actually tip well.)

GRADE: +3 Not bad, but Keith Ferrazzi says never eat alone.

RULE #7: If someone wants to go faster, let them pass.

GRADE: +4 Ok.

  RULE #8: When you’re traveling to a new city, the first thing you should do when you get to the hotel is change into your work out clothes and go for a long run. You get to see the sights, get a sense of the layout and then you won’t waste an hour of your life in a lame hotel gym either.

GRADE: +4 Ok.

  RULE #9: Never correct someone’s pronunciation of a word with the more appropriate ethnic accentuation. Only small people care that much about grammar or pronunciations.

GRADE: +3 Ok. Although, giving them a note in private might save them embarrassment later. 

  RULE #10: Everything your doctor, school and parents said was healthy is probably bad for you. Whole grains, soy, corn, wraps, milk. Ask yourself: does what I am about to eat even remotely resemble something my ancestors evolved to eat? If the answer is no, put it down. If, like me, the allure of these foods is too much, save them for one day a week where you splurge (and then hate yourself and swear them off for another week).

GRADE: +2 Just because you follow your favorite fad diet doesn't mean you're auto smarter than your doctor, school, and parents.

  RULE #11: Unless it’s an atrocity, take responsibility for it. You’re probably more at fault than you know.

GRADE: +0 So if it's an atrocity, don't take any responsibility.

  RULE #12: Get a dog, not a cat. One will make you a better person, the other is just an animal that lives in your house.

GRADE: +0.5 Even raising a snail teaches people about responsibility. 1/8 helpful and 7/8 opinion.

  RULE #13: In business situations, your first instinct is to start negotiating. Stop that. How much is significantly less important than whether you truly, truly want to do this thing. If you do–and I know this advice is controversial–just take the deal, provided its half way decent. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Bird in the hand. Blah blah. If you don’t want to do it–don’t let money sway you. Take the deal, do a good job, get more money on the next one. This is the philosophy of doers. Sharks and sociopaths care about squeezing every penny because they’ve confused money with their worth.

GRADE: +1.5 Big difference between a penny pincher and a bonafide sucker. The feeling of entering an unfair deal will hamper your motivation - make sure you feel that you're treated fairly from the getgo. 

RULE #14: Shame is a powerful emotion that can be used for good. If it’s something you want to hide or are embarrassed about, think twice about whether it’s actually the right thing. (Two good one liners about this here).

GRADE: +2 On the flip note, think about why you feel shame, especially when it stems from social stigma generated from repressive cultural backdrops.

  RULE #15: Be in the middle of a book at all times. Better still, carry one with you at all times–a physical one. You’ll be amazed at how impressed people are by this.

GRADE: +3 Except when you're public speaking, eating at a restaurant, or jogging right after you check in a hotel. 

  RULE #16: Frequent Flyer Miles are for people whose time is worthless. Here’s what I do: I use a Southwest Visa card. It means I get a few extra free domestic flights a year without ever having to do anything. And then on everything else? I never, ever think about it–even though I fly close to 50,000+ miles a year. If I am going to have to juggle a bunch of arbitrary, meaningless numbers for piddly rewards, I’d rather juggle sports stats or play games on my cell phone. At least those are entertaining.

GRADE: +2.5 Sounds like shitty advice or blatant advertisement for Southwest Visa, but points for benefit of the doubt.

  RULE #17: Most people are lying when they describe what their life is like. Don’t listen, don’t use what they say as a baseline, don’t get jealous, just nod and then forget it.

GRADE: +3 Ok, in situations where it's unproductive. Bad idea when people are legitimately trying to communicate with you.

  RULE #18: Speaking of which, people are constantly trying to bribe you to be like them and take on the same burdens as them. DO NOT ACCEPT.

GRADE: +2 First, stop hanging out with shitty people. And second, I guess I won't be signing up for the Southwest Visa plan.

  RULE #19: Traveling for the sake of traveling is stupid.

GRADE: +3 Nice Emerson quote, but pretty terrible way of summarizing. But...nice Emerson quote.

  RULE #20: If there is a long line and you don’t want to wait in it, walk up to the front (or walk through the back or opposite way) and pretend you didn’t know you were doing things incorrectly. It almost always works. And when it doesn’t, no one thinks it was malicious. After all, you were just turned around. Note: pretending you forgot something–like you were just walking up to grab silverware at the buffet line–works well too. Grab your stuff and make a getaway.

GRADE: +1.5 Dick thing to do. Didn't you just talk about negative externalities in RULE #5?

  RULE #21: The best way to flirt is to ask provocative questions. And provocative is anything people aren’t expecting to be asked–it doesn’t have to be sexual.

GRADE: +3 "Hey baby, you like big lists?"

  RULE #22: Eliminate options, concentrate your forces. Here I am combining two lessons from Tim Ferriss and Robert Greene. For example, in terms of clothes and meals, just pick a few favorites and then stick with them. This means less time is wasted thinking about choices on a daily basis. But more importantly, concentrating your limited dollars/time on fewer entities gives you more leverage. I mostly eat at the same restaurants over and over–and you know what, they always hook me up. The fastest way to VIP status on anything is to cheat by going or buying a few times in a row. There’s a saying behind this too: More wood behind fewer arrows. It applies to more than just dinner perks.

GRADE: +3.5 Kind of boring, but ok.

  RULE #23: Conference calls and meetings are mostly a waste of time. If the person is more important or successful than you, consider going. If not, beg off as best you can.

GRADE: +0 (Revised) This is just douchebaggery.

  RULE #24: Current events/the news should be followed only if it fits one of the following criteria 1) It directly affects you in someway. 2) Knowing about it would make for interesting conversation. If you’re watching something and you can’t tell yourself that you either plan to do something with that information or it will make you seem smart, turn it off. Or flip it over to Comedy Central because you may as well be watching pure entertainment.

GRADE: +3.5 "Directly affects you in someway" and "Interesting conversation" are vague cop-outs. Most current events can fall in these categories. But credit for referring to Comedy Central, which has good edutainment programing like Daily Show, Colbert Report, and South Park.

  RULE #25: (no answer)

GRADE: +0 If you're going to write an article about 25 rules make sure you count properly.

  TOTAL SCORE: 55.5 / 100

GRADE: F

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in-flight announcements

For some reason they had the flight attendant who sounds like she skimmed a Phonics book make all the in-flight announcements.

The highlight reel:

"The fasten seat sign is still eliminated."

"Your loyality is appreciated."

"In preparation for landing, all 'elecnick' devices must be turned off."

--

"We are now arrived in JFK International airport" when we landed in Seattle coming from JFK. 

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social media or collecting boogers

In a TedX talk, Ricky Van Veen of CollegeHumor commented on why people document events on their cellphones.

Or rather, why they're not documenting.

"It's not to document the event. Because, there's going to be thousands of photos of much higher quality in minutes. They're doing it because they want to post it online and say, 'Hey, look where I am!'"

We're all guilty of this.

To various degrees.

As a sufferer of docu-neurosis, I do protest. There are other perfectly terrible reasons to shoot pictures and videos everywhere. Here are a few:

1. Lack of confidence in the ability to recall memories correctly. 

2. Remembering a day completely forgotten is like living a day longer. 

3. It's fun to revisit an iPhoto album when the internet's down

It comes down to a certain sentimentality - not over material possessions, but the bits of data floating around in our heads. Putting that memory into a retrievable format confirms our existence in a small way, regardless of whether it's shared. For example, my parents have hundreds of vacation photos which they never share with anyone - most of which they haven't even looked at. 

Last year, my mom bought a T3i. And I'm not allowed to borrow it. 

As with most images, videos, and scraps of notes we accumulate through the years, it's not about the quality or the relevance. Just that it's all still there.

---

P.S. If you also feel the craving to document, look into 1 Second Everyday. They launched an app to make life-documentation fun and non-intrusive. Here's Cesar's talk on Ted. 

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Sentimentality from Material to Virtual

1998 - 2002 is a box in my parents' garage holding a pet rock, a red notebook filled with pencil comics, a dirty piece of dyed sheep wool, an off-center Mark Maguire rookie card, Animorph books, and a ceramic owl box. 

2002 - 2006 is a rack of old t-shirts, a clarinet case, brown accordian file folders, a discus, a shot put, boxes of old trophies, and a satire of the school paper

2006 - 2013 is my 3TB Lacie and social networks.

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project open source life

since all of you care about my diet, i'm going to lay out the causal chain -

in no particular order these are all the projects i've told at least one person i'd work on:

weekly networking event for media / entertainment / fashion professionals

streamlining / web design / marketing a camera rental business

creating a robust video-editing network

assisting the branding and development of an international energy drink, clothing, and battery brand

video production of a WMC afterparty

video production of a PSA for a prominent cancer research charity

event production / sponsorships for the same cancer research charity

sub-executing a recently deceased woman's estate

creating a weekly flow of Wall St money into SL

selling and organizing college comedy shows

develop innovative comedy show formats

helping Mahmud pursue his dreams

writing, directing, and potentially participating in 3-4 youtube videos

developing an animated series based on recorded dreams

promise to connect people to (investor, employee, industry expert)

developing business between a co-working space and a club/lounge

retry standup comedy

rebooting Amex black card to reward philanthropic behavior

marketing a hideously logo'd filmlanthropic event

arrange weekly pickup of farm-fresh vegetables (thanks LK)

if anyone can help me with any of the above, please let me know. food donations are appreciated.

[stevesdrop]

Act II

If you've ever been my friend, you're used to being left in the dark for months to years at a time.

This was the last 6 months.

I almost need to start a separate blog to go into the last six months. It's midway between generic drama and Rounders.

The Updates:

1. I'm no longer working on Lean Startup Machine. Not going to be rambling about lean methodology for indefinitely. Ask me anything about lean though, I'll point you to the people who know better.

2. Focus shifted from tech to entertainment + fashion. More on this later, once I figure out how to explain correctly.

3. Having a lot of trouble answering what I do, but the goal is building the business, growing the business, and keeping three businesses running. Concretely that means business development, social media marketing, buying giant boxes of tampons, and other fun projects.

4. Accumulated a huge backlog of creative projects. Let me know if you can use a camera or look good in 720p.