got a secret. @stfuwinwin - Tumblr Blog

gotta admit....... i’m kinda glad i skipped out on emo nite. seemed a bit.... whoo

i guess i really need to sit and talk about what’s going on.

he sits there and calls me self absorbed, when i’ve been out here trying not to get involved in other people’s shit. not because i don’t care, but because i don’t want to add onto the stress of my own things going on. i don’t want to get involved with whatever the hell is going on with everyone, because i’m literally too focused on trying to make myself a better person, and if that makes me a bad person, then i guess i’m a bad person. i’m trying to cut out the stupid and bad things in my life to make myself a better person and that’s whats important to me. i don’t care who’s fucking who, i don’t care what your drama is doing to you, and maybe that makes me a bad friend but like. people need to get that. we’ve been friends for too fucking long that you can’t get that i just... don’t wanna deal with it.

i don’t want to push people away anymore. i don’t want to snap and turn people that care about me against me all so i can get something in me that might make me relax a bit, be it a drink or a joint or something to help me sleep. it’s been a week, and i honestly think i’m doing okay. jungeun’s been here every step of the way, even when she hasn’t really noticed it. i don’t want anything else from her. i want her to know how much i care and want to make her so fucking happy. because really. she deserves that. she deserves everything and then more, and i’m still stupidly amazed that she even wants to be with an absolute mess like me.

but anyway. next thing, i got a call a good few days ago from an audition that i’d done. i was generally... really excited, because i went out to get this myself before we came here. and idk, something hurt hearing them go “we were ready to give you the role, but your label turned it down.” what have i done to make sm hate me so much? that they’re sitting there and turning down all my chances at doing things outside of the group. how is it fair that i feel like..... such an unimportant part of everything i do. they took meteor garden from me too. something i was supposed to do. like the directors fought to make sure i could have a main roll in that and that was took. the festival? that was took away from me too. like. i get it. i’m not important, i’m not anyone’s favourite and i don’t deserve shit.

life’s good, but it’s not good too. if you get what i mean

please tell me how keeping my own issues private to stop other people knowing about them is self absorbed? because damn some people like to talk like they really know me when they’re too busy pretending i don’t exist like everyone else

#wy.

dork-adios

literally fuck off. i’m somewhat happy don’t drag me into your shit

#ml.#dl.

you two ?? make me feel sick bye!

#dl.#wy.

really nice to know you don’t trust me with how you’re feeling when i’ve done everything i can to get you to trust me :)

i wish i was happier.

i wish i could look past the incredible self hatred that i have towards myself. it’s hard, really. i didn’t used to be like this. i used to be a happy person when i wasn’t signed up to this stupid ass label. i could work through any issues that i had and move on with it, but now? i’m just sat here wondering what i’ve done wrong. what have i done that makes them hate me so much where things are being took away from me? i wish i could sit and smile and not be absolutely fucking terrified that my future isn’t in doubt anytime it i have to work. that’s the worst part. i know every other one of my members would have chance after chance, and i’d still be blocked. i push people away when i get like this. the past couple of days haven’t been easy, and i’ll admit. i’ve been an absolute asshole to people who haven’t deserved it.

jungeun said something that hit me. i need to focus on fixing things, but working on myself at the same time, and i didn’t think that it was what i needed to do, but the weight that was lifted off my shoulders when i had the chance to apologize for being an asshole to yukhei? it felt good, and it felt like it was what i wanted to do. but i don’t deserve anyone forgiving the apologies that i’m giving. because i haven’t been a good person. i haven’t been a good friend. i’ve been the worst kind of friend, and i don’t deserve any of them. these past couple of days have been rough. i don’t know why i’m so forgetful all of a sudden. i can’t remember any of the bullshit i’ve said to them, and i don’t know if it’s drugs, the knock to my head or the pain medication i’m on. i don’t know, and i’m really.. really scared about all of it.

i wish i was happier. i wish i was happier so i could be a better person for everyone

#drugs

is it truly too much for my so called friends to come over and ask me how i’m doing no matter how much i ask them not to? like hey!!! not doing okay thanks for asking. let me cry on your shoulder

i’m trying to fucking hard not to snap. this pain isn’t passing and being questioned is just fucking irritating me

seriously wtf is it gonna take for people to idk leave me alone

every time. every time i think i’m gonna get more opportunities, it gets took away from me. what the fuck

you’re so incredibly soft and calming and i just feel at ease right now. you’re just gently snoring on my chest and i know i’m just gonna sit here and watch you for a bit.

let :) me :) focus :) on :) me

this anger. this anxiety. the desperate feeling to feel something other than that? it’ll go when comeback happens. i know it will. i get so fucking nervous every time because i’m terrified this isn’t gonna last and that happens every damn time and every time i ruin everything

leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone

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got a secret.