just some thoughts

this is my side blog, main is inactive

[thesingularity2]

being mentally ill is such a drag sometimes

[stillfine2009]

i know that talking about the hypocrisy of conservatives is like. not pointing out anything new or interesting. but i am feeling SO frustrated right now by the situation im encountering in trying to have a baby in an ultra-conservative state. they’re constantly pushing this “family first” thing and doing a bunch of hand-wringing about declining birth rates. and, of course, we have one of the strictest abortion bans in the US. but then virtually no support for childcare which is insanely expensive. as a state employee i have a LIFETIME maximum of SIX WEEKS of maternity leave. if i use it all on the first kid and want to have a second kid, i get ZERO paid leave. and also as a state employee my health insurance doesn’t cover any fertility treatment or fertility preservation. which you would think would be a relatively basic policy change to help “create more families” since they’re so obsessed with families. i guess their whole thing is that they only want heterosexual parents with breadwinner fathers and housewife moms, so there should be no need for daycare or maternity leave or fertility treatments in their perfect world. but like. okay so we don’t live in a perfect world. i’m a lesbian who wants to be a solo mom. i guess that doesn’t count as a family and doesn’t matter at all.

[oilpalette]

Where I Spend My Days, 2026 by Kate Lewis (American, b. 1977); Acrylic on canvas, 25 × 19

[nobrashfestivity]

Lucien Coutaud Centaur and Siren sketch, part of a letter sent to Isabelle Kloucowski 1933 gouache on paper

[heavensghost]

You don’t have to belong everywhere (textile home)

[nobrashfestivity]

Unknown, Fragment of an Animal Carpet late 16th century Attributed to, Northern India Cotton (warp and weft), wool (pile); asymmetrically knotted pile L. 30 11/16 in. (78 cm) W. 21 7/16 in. (54.5 cm)

[stillfine2009]

doctor's visit update: I met the fertility doctor yesterday and he was so nice and comforting. i got my AMH levels (ovarian reserves) tested, and I'm going to find out my results on Monday... and as long as those are good my doctor says I can basically just go ahead and find a sperm donor and try for non-medicated conception through IUI, which is by far the cheapest and least invasive of the possible methods! he said I could start pretty much immediately if I want!

ideally, before i start, i would like to pay off my credit card debt, and maybe pay off my car too if possible... and also, I would like to get a job where I earn approx. $10k more annually than I am currently earning, because I think that would be enough to cover daycare. I've been applying for jobs but haven't gotten any interviews yet... so really i just need to sort out some money stuff first and then i can go for it.

i also need to pick out a sperm donor and there are so many to choose from and so many factors, it is kind of overwhelming. my ideal donor is someone HEALTHY, smart, and also creative... maybe musical since I am not musically talented myself and it could be cool if my kid was. but most of all, healthy and not a carrier for any kind of genetic diseases.

So yay! Next steps: wait to hear back about AMH, research sperm donors, and GET A RAISE OR A NEW JOB. Everyone please join me in manifesting $10k more annually. or even more, ideally, so that i could also rent a two bedroom house for me and my baby.

[dogpuppy]

[stillfine2009]

Listened to this song on my way to the fertility doctor and cried in the car LOL but this is exactly how it feels

“I drew pictures of you / long before I met you / just a fragment of my mind.”

[post-troy-stress-disorder]

i need to read everything ever before the end of the summer

[stillfine2009]

i had the best travel day ever yesterday... I was supposed to have a 4.5 hour layover in DC and get home at 10:30 PM, but because of the storms in the northeast I was re-routed through Charlotte. I left my parent's at the same time I had originally planned, but got home at 7PM instead, and got a partial refund on my flight. once again, I was blessed by the universe because of my whimsical spirit and hopeful nature.

[campsis]

Kim Mintz, Princess and the pea inspired painting

[stillfine2009]

feels like life is really happening right now:

- saw my entire extended family over the long weekend, including people i haven’t seen in years, and it was complicated but also good !

- told everyone about my plans to have a baby solo with donor sperm and they were all SO supportive

- first appointment with the fertility doctor is TOMORROW afternoon and i am SO excited

- some (good) stuff is happening with work but i don’t want to jinx myself so I have nothing more to say on that topic for now

- girlfriend is coming to visit on Friday and it feels like things are really good with us lately. we’ve worked through some issues and we’re forging a path forward in this strange and unusual way. making a relationship that works for us! not making ourselves into the image of a “normal” relationship

- started a new sketchbook which always feels like a fresh start and a new chapter. each era of my life is represented by a sketchbook, and each sketchbook has the energy and emotions of the places i’ve been and the ways things have felt in those moments. who knows what my new sketchbook will capture! but i think it will be good

[stillfine2009]

You ok? How did it go at your parents'?

hi! i am okay! currently flying home. family visit went better than expected! everyone was on their best behavior. there were a few tense or awkward moments, but it was pretty smooth all things considered. and i got to see all of my grandparents who are all in their mid 80s, and it was nice to see them. especially my one grandma who gave me my love of crafting. i got to show her what i’ve been knitting lately and she was so excited. so that alone made it worthwhile. but when I get back to my house I think I’m going to sleep for 12 hours straight…. thank you for checking in :’)

[dogpuppy]

[polkadotmotmot]

Summer Wheat - Refrigerator, 2026 - Acrylic paint and gouache on aluminum mesh

[stillfine2009]

one of my friends posted this long instagram story about how she hates when "other queer people" reproduce and have biological children because it "just creates more suffering" and basically that we shouldn't bring more children into the world when there's already climate change and "overpopulation" and facism etc. and that we should all just be adopting instead. and it made me feel so upset. because first of all, i don't think creating life is inherently "creating suffering," and I think that's actually an absurd take. i love my life! i love being alive! i love the human experience! i love making art and being in love and having friends and eating fruit and listening to music and swimming in the ocean! i think giving someone life is like the greatest gift you can give. the idea that creating life is "creating suffering" is such a pessimistic view that I can't even wrap my mind around it. also, not to mention, "overpopulation" isn't even real.

i guess it just made me feel bad because i know people are going to think i'm selfish for the lengths i'm going to in order to have a child who is biologically mine. all the money and time and energy spent on finding a sperm donor and getting artificially inseminated. but i'm going to be selfish anyway. and people can think whatever they want. i'm going to bring a child into the world who is so loved and wanted and cared for and celebrated, and it is going to be the greatest and most difficult creative practice of my entire life, and it is going to be worth it. and i hope my child will grow up to love being alive as much as i do.