Stone Body: Cold Heart

An independent Zelgadis Greywords blog. Single-Ship with RaXTilt; any further Amelias that he may interact with with only be on the best friend/big brother figure basis.

[stonebody-coldheart]

ipraygreywords​: 

That nagging sensation that something is wrong, something is stretching out the perimeter of his skull, something that doesn’t belong, returns to Rezo.  Why should he be so concerned that Zelgadis places faith in him? Hundreds of thousands of people do that every day. 

Yet it’s here in the sanctum of privacy, with his own little blood family, that Rezo finds he must most be someone worth admiring.  And Rezo knows that not every patient can be saved. No man can be a king every moment of every day.  

     “I’m just a human being, love,” he hears himself warning Zelgadis, as though his own consciousness is growing further away.  And then, words that belong to someone else, moving his lips, stealing his voice: “But I accept your offer readily.”  

“I know I’m still too little to go with you. But when I’m bigger and can use a sword and a bow and ride horses and got really good at this ‘triangation compass’ stuff I can go with you and learn herbs and protect people coming to you for help! And help set up camps and stuff!” 

The boys’ mind was beginning to reel with the ideas breezing through it. Maybe on the road he could find a cure for his condition. His shame. Being unable to perform any of the spells he tried out of the white magic primer his grandfather had left him. He studied the words, the concepts, the theory behind what was supposed to happen with the same force of will he applied to every important thing. But despite doing the exercises over and over and over again just like the book described he hardly ever got more than the tiniest glow of healing light or levitated more than a few feet up before the strain became too much.

He wasn’t ready to give up, though. Maybe magic would come to him when he got tall like the bigger boys he saw swinging sticks around like swords. He couldn’t wait to grow tall. Taller than his grandpa. But just a little. He didn’t want to be weirdly tall. 

“Can.. we eat more cheese now?” His hand was still captive by Rezo and he didn’t want to be rude and pull away. But there was cheese to be had. And strawberries and grapes.

[stonebody-coldheart]

ipraygreywords​: 

As Rezo listens to Zelgadis, he finds himself resisting the urge to cry.  He isn’t quite able to articulate, even to himself, what makes this moment so special that it is almost like a kind of daily holiness. 

He supposes it is because after the awful storm of their feud, after both serving as puppets to cruel masters (one himself, he shall never cease to regret mirroring Shabranigdu, his own abuser, in such an unspeakable way) ….here they still sit, their fundamental dynamic unchanged.  

One cannot return to the past; it’s not even wise, not even beneficial, to simply retrace old steps and haunt old memories, like a ghost, insubstantial and sad and unchangeable, lingering in a doorway.  But one can cherish what parts of it were sacred, were good, were real. and one can forge ahead with that compass. 

Knowing that he is still the authoritative listener, Zelgadis still the eager companion conveying the unfettered accuracy of the world’s wonders, only to sit and await Rezo’s thoughtful verdict on the information collected, as though they are still collaborators in the world of spirit, and of science, and of philosophy….that is joy beyond measure.  

Sometimes a person has several soulmates in life, and one of them can be a grandkid who’s better than any pair of eyes: because he’s bursting to explain something you’ve always wanted to know. 

     “I’ve heard parts of it before, but that doesn’t matter. I’ve not heard it from you, and therefore, never with such  beautifully loving intent.  I don’t mean to embarrass you, but you have given me a great gift today.” 

When, he wonders, will it be welcome to just out and say it: You are the great joy of my life, and I am already happier than I have ever been?

"More practically,” Zelgadis pushed forward without acknowledging the gushing from the older man with his arms folding over his chest, “That night in Taforashia. The light was bad, but if you can recall Xellos’ staff. The gem on it is red, and the stones on the silver clasp holding his mantle. Lina’s hair is more orange than red but the big gems on the sides of her shoulder armor? They’re red too.”

“It... occurred to me a while ago that... I could use that moment to give you a bit of insight into what items or colors were.” A smirk crossed his lips. “And you could finally give an opinion on my ‘sheepdog’ bangs.”

The situation was ridiculous in many ways. Not even a few hours prior he’d attempted to kill the other man. And now they both lay, overtired and weak, in a hospital room quietly talking tucked in bed like they were children at a sleepover.

[ask-zelgadis]

*stares*

[stonebody-coldheart]

seyruunsunshine​:

ask-zelgadis​:

That’s fine, only tell me then.

…Only you? But, again, there are two of you. And… Umm… Well… The thought did involve… errr… 

o////o

Amelia.

[stonebody-coldheart]

seyruunsunshine​: 

“We should probably forgo the sugar. Like you said, it might be a little counterproductive. I’m sure this tea tastes good on its own.”

Her grin hadn’t left her lips. She was studying his face waiting for a response when she the light flush on his cheeks. Amelia tensed as she realized that she was hugging his arm. She looked down and quickly pulled away. She busied herself with searching for cups trying not to make her retreat too obvious.

“Here we go!” she placed two cups down on the counter.

“Aa.” He gently swirled their improvised teapot, hiding his relief (and disappointment) as she pulled away to look for mugs. “It’s already slightly sweet between the spearmint and flowers.” His blush faded as he continued.

“It’s subtle sweetness, I mean. But.. it’s nice. At least I think so.”

Not everything sweet was cloyingly so like candy or icing. He was of the opinion that it was nice to not be overwhelmed with sweetness and to enjoy some things as they were.

He carefully poured their tea through the fine mesh strainer he had found earlier, managing to keep most of the solid bits out of the cups. “There, go ahead. It should be hot but pleasant.” The strainer and carafe got placed in the sink and given an initial rinse to make proper cleaning easier when they were finished.

[ask-zelgadis]

*stares*

[stonebody-coldheart]

*stares back*

[ask-zelgadis]

Well, this is awkward. *keeps staring*

[stonebody-coldheart]

Yes it is. *keeps staring as well*

[ask-zelgadis]

*stares*

[stonebody-coldheart]

*stares back*

[stonebody-coldheart]

"I need to tell you something. I need you to look at me. And let me tell you something. You *never* failed me. Do you understand, Zelgadis? There are some things we can't stop, no matter how much we might want to. You *never* failed me." / ipraygreywords

It took a long moment for Zelgadis to digest the words Rezo was saying. He looked away then, speaking slowly to forge words into sentences in carefully measured tones, not wanting to say the wrong thing. “I was the one who knew you best. Really knew you. You were.. my best friend as a kid, I should have noticed..!” His fist clenched at his side. “You’d never cared so much about your sight before, I should have realized your obsession wasn’t entirely your own. That you twisting my words and our mission wasn’t.. really you. I did fail you, Rezo. Badly. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a selfish fool I could have saved us both and.. the others with us… And yet..”

He cut himself off. The older man would know, from his experience with the more taciturn knight, that he was trying to not show very strong emotions. Failing Rezo had sent the man down his life path. True, Roddimus and Zolph would probably still be alive, but without things happening as they did he wouldn’t have met Lina and Gourry, let alone Amelia, Sylphiel, or Philionel. Wouldn’t have gone on the adventures he had, saved the world, started to come out of his gruff shell a bit, get knighted.

“I was a selfish fool who failed you. But we’re both victims of the source in different ways. So I know it’s not my fault I failed, eventually that thing would have come out. And if things had been different Lina wouldn’t have been around. Gourry and the Sword of Light wouldn’t have been around. I might not have been there to call out to you to help us however you could. The one situation where she could gamble the world on a coin flip, call heads, and win as cleanly as she did.”

It had been hard to have lost and gained so much in so short a time. 

[ipraygreywords]

   “Okay, but,” and in unguarded moments, with family and no one else at his side, Rezo regresses to layspeak in a way that none who know him as an illustrious Sage would imagine. “But, stop right there, because…!”  Large pale hands form claws.  He rests them on the table in frustration. 

    “You were a child!” he finally blurts, sporting a hapless expression.  “Zelgadis! You were fifteen years old when he overcame me completely! I don’t care how mature you may have been for your age, intellectually speaking, experientially speaking. You were still emotionally a child.  Adolescents are not adults and should not be expected to shoulder such tremendous burdens. No matter how extraordinary they are–how extraordinary you were.  Your argument, it is kind and it is nuanced and it is compassionate, but my boy, you. Were. A. Child.”  

A hand reaches out in darkness for contact of any kind.

     “What have you been demanding of me all these months, hm?  All that I ask is that you forgive yourself. Release yourself of that burden of unjust guilt.” 

[stonebody-coldheart]

It took a long moment but Zelgadis would clasp his fingers around Rezo’s seeking hand. “Don’t.. misunderstand. Acknowledging that I failed isn’t the same as blaming myself. I couldn’t have done anything but fail in the circumstances we were in.” But it still hurts that I didn’t see what was going on. "You didn’t deserve all the hate I had for you for so long. But at the time, being a hurt and selfish teenager, I couldn’t see beyond myself.” Even to the point he’d offered his services in destroying the world and hunting further pieces of the dark lord in exchange for a cure.

He would let out a small burst of laughter. “Hell, I know many would say I still would be right to still be angry and hate-filled towards you.” Since being traumatized doesn’t excuse doing the same to others. But he understood now. Mortal and monster had been mixing for years at that point and it had probably driven what was left of the man mad. So, in Zelgadis’ opinion, it wasn’t like normal trauma and abuse and those normal rules don’t apply.

“I don’t blame myself. But..” He paused then shook his head. “I also don’t blame you.”

[stonebody-coldheart]

"I need to tell you something. I need you to look at me. And let me tell you something. You *never* failed me. Do you understand, Zelgadis? There are some things we can't stop, no matter how much we might want to. You *never* failed me." / ipraygreywords

It took a long moment for Zelgadis to digest the words Rezo was saying. He looked away then, speaking slowly to forge words into sentences in carefully measured tones, not wanting to say the wrong thing. “I was the one who knew you best. Really knew you. You were.. my best friend as a kid, I should have noticed..!” His fist clenched at his side. “You’d never cared so much about your sight before, I should have realized your obsession wasn’t entirely your own. That you twisting my words and our mission wasn’t.. really you. I did fail you, Rezo. Badly. Maybe if I hadn’t been such a selfish fool I could have saved us both and.. the others with us... And yet..”

He cut himself off. The older man would know, from his experience with the more taciturn knight, that he was trying to not show very strong emotions. Failing Rezo had sent the man down his life path. True, Roddimus and Zolph would probably still be alive, but without things happening as they did he wouldn’t have met Lina and Gourry, let alone Amelia, Sylphiel, or Philionel. Wouldn’t have gone on the adventures he had, saved the world, started to come out of his gruff shell a bit, get knighted.

“I was a selfish fool who failed you. But we’re both victims of the source in different ways. So I know it’s not my fault I failed, eventually that thing would have come out. And if things had been different Lina wouldn’t have been around. Gourry and the Sword of Light wouldn’t have been around. I might not have been there to call out to you to help us however you could. The one situation where she could gamble the world on a coin flip, call heads, and win as cleanly as she did.”

It had been hard to have lost and gained so much in so short a time. 

[stonebody-coldheart]

seyruunsunshine​: 

Amelia hadn’t even thought of the fact that the herbs might lose their medicinal purposes if left under intense heat. She was supposed to be a shrine maiden studying helpful subjects like this. Although magic was more her specialty with spells that helped both physical and spiritual cases, it didn’t erase the fact that medicinal plants were also helpful at times. 

Zelgadis went on speaking while she continues contemplating the proper temperatures to use in order to heat certain herbs. She managed to keep focused enough to hear the actual reason her companion was taught the helpful skills. His explanation suggested that he had burnt the teas he tried to make on more than one occasion. 

Amelia looked up at him while her eyes sparkled with humor. The princess bit her bottom lip in an attempt to hold back laughter. She didn’t want Zelgadis to think that she was laughing at him. More so the picture he had painted for her. Okay… maybe she was humored by the thought of a young Zel fighting with hot water and tea leaves and therefore was laughing inwardly at him a little. She sobered up and nodded almost sagely when his worry about shattering the pitcher was mentioned. An exploding glass container would absolutely add unneeded excitement. 

She watched his body language change just slightly after his question. He seemed almost nervous. What was he so worried about? Standing beside him, the dark-haired girl was easily able to slide one hand into his and loosely hug his arm with the other. She let out an actual yawn this time around and shifted leaning on him for a bit of support. Amelia smiled up at him.

“Yes. You’re right. That doesn’t sound very relaxing at all. And, we wouldn’t be able to have our tea. I’m looking forward to it after all our hard work,” she rambled. 

What... was Amelia doing? Holding his hand and then practically cuddling against his arm?? He practically froze in place as pink splashed across his nose and cheeks. Any clever banter fled from his mind. He could hardly think of anything beyond the fact that Amelia had taken his hand.

“Y.yeah. Me too.”

He didn’t pull away from her. He knew he should discourage this kind of affection from the princess for many reasons, but they seemed like unimportant excuses at the moment. 

Zelgadis could hear his heart pounding in his ears, which twitched very faintly in response to his agitated state. 

“I ...haven’t mixed up a tea in ages. I think some people like a bit of sugar with it, but that’s... counterproductive. To sleep, I mean.”

[stonebody-coldheart]

seyruunsunshine​: 

Amelia absorbed the information about the immune support boost and tucked it away. It might come in handy later. She transferred the crushed leaves over and immediately became confused when Zelgadis filled the pitcher with cool water. It bothered her slightly that she didn’t know how to properly make herbal tea at her age.

Amelia looked up at him when he mentioned his past companions, and her face softened. He rarely opened up about his past. It was nice knowing he felt comfortable enough around her to mention them.

“Does it burn the leaves if the water is boiling? Is that why Mr. Zolph taught you that trick?” she inquired.

“I’ve heard theories that using too-hot water can destroy the benefits of herbal teas and medicines since some medicines lose effectiveness if they’re heated up too much.” As he poured the still very warm water into the carafe she had put their herbal mix into. “But really, he taught me the cooling thing because...” As a young lad when first entering Rezo’s service he was too young for much more than support work so worked in the kitchens and his terrible tea became legendary. “..Well, it turns out that using boiling water for tea leaves ruins the taste, apparently. Makes it far more bitter than it should be and intolerable to tea snobs. Which our leader was.”

Referring to Rezo that way skirted his complicated feelings about the deceased priest and allowed his good mood to continue.

“But tonight, more than the effectiveness of the tea, I had concerns about pouring boiling hot water into a pitcher made for cold drinks. I’ve seen glass bottles shatter when too-hot liquid were poured into them without preparation.” A wry grin was spared in her direction. “Cleaning up a shattered pitcher sounds like the opposite of a relaxing time, don’t you think?” 

Some part of his brain warned him that a secret meeting in the dead of night between the beautiful princess clad only in her nightdress and a foreign man would be the talk of the gossips for months should the wrong people see them. Glass didn’t fall quietly, and the cleanup effort would take precious time. Both would increase their likelihood of getting caught. 

[stonebody-coldheart]

ipraygreywords​:  

Rezo is gifted in the art of politely challenging dubious claims made by others, without once seeming threatening.  Usually it’s a quietly skeptical hum of “hoooh?” which suggests “are you sure?,” and then a deft change in subject.  

He puts that skill to good use with the grandson who has long dealt with his feelings by carefully concealing them; what is more, though, this is indeed a test of his pledge to allow Zelgadis to set the forward-pace in their relationship.

     “Please no leeeeeks, you know how I hate thooooose,” he sings in dulcet tones as he hears his kinsman’s carefully composed footsteps exiting: just a little too fast. He chuckles heartily to himself when he’s sure he’s alone. 

Yes, excellent, one of the babies will be a boy, perhaps the firstborn, then there’ll be at least two girls, and perhaps the first girl can be named after the princess’s late mother, or Zelgadis’s mother; surely the kids will work out those details, and there will be birthdays, and if Rezo doesn’t purchase an actual pony for at least one of these great grandchildren, he’s a monkeys uncle….. 

If Zelgadis heard the priest’s heartfelt plea for no leeks he gave no sign. Though he considered, briefly, getting Rezo potato and leek soup with a side of grilled chicken and leeks he was aware of how childishly petty that would be. Instead, he found an open inn where he was able to purchase roast, salad, and potatoes so that had been prepared in bulk for dinner service. Mentioning that he was bringing it to the blind priest had the owner more than willing to let him borrow a carrying basket. He stopped into a bakery to add some baked cake-like buns with cinnamon for the old man to the haul. His own taste ran more to the fruit he picked up from a closing market stall, especially after his transformation.

Blissfully unaware of Rezo’s designs on his reproductive future (and temper cooled), he returned to Rezo’s sanctuary deep in thought. Maybe I shouldn’t work with him about colors, he mused. After all, he’s probably not going to ever see them again in this life. Would it be cruel to explain things to him that he can never again enjoy? Or kindness to explain what little he experienced? Would asking be rude?

He knocked on the door to announce his return and stepped in. “You’ll be pleased to hear that I did not get you nothing but roast leeks for your supper.”

[stonebody-coldheart]

ipraygreywords​: 

Rezo’s harried breathing slowly returns to normal, at the ever-consoling sound of this little boy’s voice. Selfish. He shouldn’t afford a child the responsibility to comfort an adult!

But it isn’t exactly like that.  It’s more that Zelgadis makes Rezo happy solely by existing.  A small pinprick of persistent light in uniform, eternal, insurmountable darkness.

    “Well yes, that is a separate truth, but also an important one, never to use one’s greater power to harm another,” he counsels.  “But what I mean is sometimes, you are the person the knight could hurt. Or perhaps, say you are the knight, and the king could hurt you. People are people, Zelgadis, and sometimes, they do bad things, things they should not. Even people you love or admire. Don’t let them do those things to you. Don’t let your love of them become the reason why you don’t tell them ‘no.’ It is not selfish, or evil, to say ‘no.’”

Zelgadis considered Rezo’s words with all the somber contemplation a child his age could muster. It hadn’t even occurred to him that he could be the target of the harm instead of being in the position of strength. He thought for a long moment before speaking again. “That’s why I’ve gotta find someone really really good to be a knight for. A king that’s good and doesn’t want to hurt people. And will listen if someone points out doing something could be bad.”

His free hand moved to rest over the larger one holding his wrist. “Like you! I know you’d never ever hurt me and you’re good at listening. You can’t make me a real knight, but I can be a knight for you!"

[memories]

The day I started posting about #the slayers was the best day of my life.

[ipraygreywords]

"Fuck you, Stone, I'm dead!" Kiara your comments on my threads with Stone never fail to make me loudly laugh 😂

[naiokiara]

Well, FUCK HIM. You saw what he did!

[stonebody-coldheart]

:)

[stonebody-coldheart]

ipraygreywords​: 

    “Oh, child, are you kidding me? I loved those interrogations.” 

How does he explain the difference that is so evident to him: between some overly presumptuous stranger and his own beloved flesh and blood?

It’s always been more than that to Rezo, though.  Zelgadis is to him a soul mate–for soul mates are cut from all molds, not merely romantic–and a foil.  Taciturn where he is verbose, logical where he is emotional, pragmatic where he is, well, what can one politely call it? Whimsical. 

A long time ago, Rezo’s wife, who produced their son, who produced Zelgbadis, described to the Sage the appearance of clear warm water flowing over beautiful river stones. That is Rezo and Zelgadis, in the old man’s mind: something abstract and ephemeral, full of dreams and mad notions, ideas and inventions, coursing constantly and adaptively over firm, stolid foundations.  

But what unites them is a certain skepticism toward the same human race both (secretly, perhaps, when it comes to Zelgadis) love; a scoffing at the concept of conventional rules and limitations; and a cerebral nature, an intellect, beyond imagining. 

How to put that to words in an infirmary mere hours after a harrowing bonding experience?

    “You challenged me but you always listened to what wisdom I had to offer. You integrated it into your worldview, and you produced your own conclusions. What possible gratification can exist better than that, for someone called a ‘sage’?  Anyway, you did something better than any of those people. You let me feel human.  ‘Grandpa’ was always a better title to me than ‘Red Priest.’ I mean, what IS red, anyway? I have no idea!” 

He laughs suddenly, richly, and winces.

   “Oosh. Damn this thing. Anyway.  I guess I just took it for granted and started letting some decent tailors make it my brand.”  

A pause.

    “You’ve gone quiet. I can smell your head-gears turning. What’re you thinking about?  The weirdest things you ever asked me? ‘Grandpa, who ate the first cheese? Who wanted to eat milk mold?’” 

He laughs again. 

    “That was a good one. I’ve got others.” 

Zelgadis gave a small, amused chuckle, but didn’t laugh with the same level of intensity. In fact, he waited until Rezo was finished talking before speaking again. He’d thought a lot about how to describe colors as a young man, should his grandfather ever ask. And yes, he knew the priest was being rhetorical. But he couldn’t bring himself to respond to the kind things Rezo had said.

“Red is complicated. It’s warmth. And heat. Fire is red, orange, yellow, white all flowing together, but red is the coolest of those, white is hottest. Red is the color of a maiden’s blush, of passion, of love, lust, and purest rage. It’s the color of the blood that keeps us alive. Red is a warning of danger, but also the color of bricks that make our hearths and represents safety. It’s the color of the sky around a sunset when the rain has passed and all’s clear. But also the color of a sunburn. Red is a symbol of war and death, but also of life. It’s the color of the hottest peppers and the sweetest berries. It’s contradictory in many ways, but intense and powerful, and is only rarely able to be subtle.”

He fell silent again for a bit. That was a lot of words for him to say in one go, but had been composed in his head over years so he figured it would be fine. There was so much more to that speech that he hadn’t said.

Red, for him, had been the color of his best friend returning from his journeys to play. To chat about everything and nothing, to use his adult status to sneak treats out to the boy. Of lessons on math, how to use a sextant, and the principles behind magic that the boy struggled to cast. The color that held him close and healed boo-boos and kept his childish secrets. The source of knowledge and books that his mother would have disapproved of.

“I’m sure you’ve heard all that before, though.”

[valtsv]

being weird together is a love language

[valtsv]

me, catching myself sharing something i wouldn’t say to just anyone because i wouldn’t want them to think i’m not “normal” with someone i love without any hesitation because i’m not worried they’ll judge me for it: oh… intimacy

[valtsv]

[stonebody-coldheart]

seyruunsunshine​: 

Amelia held the pestle in one hand and listened intently to what Zelgadis was teaching. At least she tried to. It was rather difficult when sleep was beckoning to her at the corners of her mind. She watched his hands as he scooped out the ingredients and skillfully poured them into the mortar. His voice lulling her into comfort.

When he finished adding the ingredients, she found him looking at her waiting for her to start crushing. The princess looked up at him and smiled.

“Immune support sounds very helpful. I actually didn’t know that rose hips provided that,” Amelia responded as she started carefully grinding the mixture. She jumped at the sound of the kettle whistling having forgotten that it was already boiling. Thankfully, her partner in crime immediately took care of it.

“Good! You stopped it,” she let out quietly. She didn’t want anybody to disturb them. “Does this look just about done?”

“Aa. It’s not to the level of specialized medicines, but for an herbal supplement that gives just a little bit of a boost they work well.” His blue eyes looked over her work and nodded. “That’s just about perfect. Now into the pitcher with all of that, and I’ll pour water over it.”

She might be surprised to see him get a pitcher of cool water and, after opening the top of the kettle, pour some in. By eye he estimated adding about 1/3 of the kettle’s contents. “Herbal tea does best at a lower temperature than normal tea. The metal is still hot though, and will warm it up to the proper range.” Zelgadis gave the kettle a few small swirls to equalize the temperature.

He smiled a quiet way to himself. “Zolph taught me the quick-cooling trick one evening when we both had kitchen duty. It’s more exact that an ice spell. And I couldn’t even cast an ice spell at the time.” 

It was rare that he mentioned his past companions, but he’d mentioned a few of them before. Especially Zolph and Roddimus, the two older men who had taught him so much and were loyal to him and each other to their ends.