any of ya’ll out here know about Pirates of Penzance
its a musical play from the 1800s about a kid called Fredrick who’s been interning on a pirate ship and he’s just turned 21 so he’s leaving them to be a Law Abiding Citizen and vows to slay them all, to which they reply ‘yeah fair enough’
But first he’s got to become a Real Man and get married, and because he’s never seen a woman in his life except for his 47 year old nursery maid Ruth, he’s fine with marrying her, which is great for her because she’s a bit past Prime Marrying Age, but the minute he sees a group of like 12 young women having a private party on the beach he immediately calls her an old ugly bitch and spends the next 10 minutes begging each one like a little gremlin to marry him.
They all say no because they’re not stupid. Except Miss Love Interest Mabel, who enters stage right and shatters everyone eardrums with her singing voice. She publicly shames her sisters for not marrying the little beach gremlin and says that she will Do Her Duty and marry the literal stranger. So thats great.
The pirates then come back to see the group of women and immediately capture them with the intention of taking them back to their ship and……marrying them, of course, but in the nick of time their doddering old father arrives and persuades the pirates to let them go because he’s a poor orphan boy (he’s rich and like 70). The pirates are moved to tears by this and let everyone go after singing about how beautiful poetry is (?).
In act 2, Fredrick has hired some policemen and is about to march against the pirates when Ruth, bitter af about getting ditched, appears with the pirate captain and tells Fredrick that according to his intern contract he’s technically still a pirate because it was supposed to be until his 21st birthday and actually he was born on the 29th of February on a leap year, so TECHNICALLY he’s only had 5 birthdays.
Fredrick is SHOCKED AND APPALLED, and tells Mabel that they can’t marry after all and he HAS to go back to the pirates, to which Mabel says “you know thats literally the stupidest thing ive ever heard” and he says “but its my DUTY Mabel, bye I’ll see you in 1940″ so she says “aww kk bye”
Also because he’s a pirate again, he reveals that the father isn’t an orphan at all, and he lied about it, and the pirates are SHOCKED AND APPALLED, and so they set about sneaking into the father’s estate and shanking him, so after a lot of singing and dancing about they arrive at the estate and confront him
“PLease save me Fredrick” says the father. “I literally can’t,” replies Fredrick, “There’s just no way i can stop doing what I’m doing.” At this point the policemen, who have done nothing so far except sing about how much they hate their job, arrive and fight the pirates, losing in about 0.005 seconds.
“BUT WAIT” says the police sergeant. “what if i told you……you’re making Queen Victoria sad”. “o shit” replies the pirates, surrendering immediately.
“BUT WAIT” says Ruth,”what if i told you….theyre all the sons of Noblemen, theyre just in their pirate phase”. “o shit” replies everyone, letting the pirates go immediately.
The play ends with Frederick marrying Mabel, the pirates-turned-noblemen getting off scot-free and marrying her sisters, and Ruth marrying either the police sergeant or the pirate captain or nobody depending on the version.
Basically this is the greatest story of all time and you can listen to the whole think on youtube here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp9pKUca_JY