the heterowl house, created by daisy platform

[askbox will open once everything is set up!] we will be haunted by our actions forever. hoot hoot. this is satire, the mods are heterophobes (mod calamity is she/they, mod rainstorm is they/xe). send an ask if you need something tagged. inspired by straighttma and others.

[straighttoh]

welcome to the heterowl house (hell)

please read the rules before sending an ask or submitting a post. again, this blog is a satire of heterosexual media and is not intended to be taken seriously.

blanket warning for homophobia, transphobia, ableism, racism, misogyny, etc. if you need something tagged please send us an ask. 

rules || [character names]

[straighttoh]

raina cispers, a definitely cisgender bard coven witch (this pained me to write. i am so sorry.) is a recurring character and an old friend of eda’s. they have the same dynamic as they did in eda’s requiem. daisy platform notices that a lot of the fans ship them, throws a fit on twitter, and immediately rewrites the next episode so that raina randomly says “i love you” to eda, eda replies with “you are like a sister to me”, then raina immediately dies via being buried under falling rocks and is never mentioned again.

[straighttoh]

emperor belos is the fandom’s Tumblr Sexyman and he was wholeheartedly intended to be. it was a marketing ploy. his entire character arc culminates in this.

unsurprisingly, it meets with resounding success. he surpasses bill cipher. he surpasses the onceler. fanfiction counts soar after his unmasking. there is no escape.

[straighttpp]

The Heteroverse:

@straighttma (the magnus archives)

@straighttpp (us, the penumbra podcast- junoverse and second citadel)

@straightcriticalrole (critical role) 

@straightwtnv (welcome to night vale)

@thehetcanisms (the mechanisms)

@straightarsparadoxica (ars paradoxica)

@straightw359 (wolf 359)

@thesandersstraights (sanders sides)

@straightstarshipiris (the strange case of the starship iris)

@straighttaz (the adventure zone, all arcs afaik)

@straighta81 (archive 81)

@straightsf (stellar firma)

@straighttwoprinces (the two princes)

@straightgraduation (the adventure zone: graduation)

all posts made by these accounts should be tagged #hetcanons 

[straighttoh]

hello! we exist now :)

[straightwtnv]

The Heterofication Union, So far

@straighttpp

@straighttma

@straightwtnv

@straightcriticalrole

@thehetcanisms

@straightarsparadoxica

@straightw359 

@thesandersstraights

@straightstarshipiris

@straighttaz

@straighta81

[straighttoh]

hi we’re here now and we’re so sorry

[straighttma]

Jon and Basira become an actual couple.

[straighttma]

Nothing else changes about them they still hate each other just as much.

[straighttoh]

luz and hunter are actually together but nothing else changes and they still hate each other just as much as they did at the beginning of “hunting palismen”

[straighttoh]

it’s an enemies to lovers situation but not the good kind (two people with differing perspectives gradually and mutually come to understand each other), hunter just goes after luz until she eventually capitulates and joins the emperor’s coven for him

yes they still despise each other

[straighttoh]

luz and hunter are actually together but nothing else changes and they still hate each other just as much as they did at the beginning of “hunting palismen”

[straighttoh]

rules (read before you ask / submit)

- no outright nsfw (suggestive or innuendo is fine, but don't send us your incredible 2k smutfic; this isn't the place for that, especially because the main characters are minors and the source material is still a kid's show) 

- no underage (romantic relationships between minors are alright; no relationships between a minor and an adult) 

- just generally don't be TOO disgusting (no sa or graphic violence) 

- please send us an ask if you need something tagged or if we forgot to tag something in a specific post

specific warnings will be tagged on posts, and all posts will be tagged #hetcanons and #straighttoh.