This Is Not A Drill

This is a humor blog. #constantsuffering2k17

[brbjellyfishing]

fuck it up Cathleen!!!!!!!

[mimikyyuu]

doctors in tweets be like

[memecucker]

do people actually read books while in the bathtub

how do you not get everything wet

[karnsway-deactivated20190708]

[rosalui]

why is this making me laugh so fucking hard

[tophatfloof-deactivated20170320]

[girlslutz]

THANK YOU FOR ADDING A VISUAL OMG

[chicanaspice-deactivated2018011]

Dammit I forgot to bring my pineapple to class

[440-tuneit-deactivated20190225]

Fun fact: One time in my English class, this dude walks in like 10 minutes late. He’s carrying a pineapple with him. I figure he needs it for something later on in the day so I don’t think anything of it. Well about 5 minutes after he sits down, this dude pulls out his pineapple, starts turning it around in his hands, stares at it, and STARTS EATING IT. SKIN AND EVERYTHING. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW PINEAPPLE SKIN WAS EDIBLE. I don’t think I had ever been more confused in my life. I wish I still had the picture I took of it saved on my phone.

[skankzzilla-blog]

Oklahoma is a strange state

[440-tuneit-deactivated20190225]

You have no idea

[chicanaspice-deactivated2018011]

Reading that was an experience

[440-tuneit-deactivated20190225]

i found the pictures

[chicanaspice-deactivated2018011]

OH MY GOD

[konpozaa-blog]

there are some stories on tumblr that are too weird or extreme sounding to be true. Sometimes there’s like, one picture, which could be something else out of context with an elaborate story tacked on.

but then there’s this shit and. there’s just. there is absolutely no way for there to be any contest over whether or not that man actually came to school and ate a whole pineapple. There it is. There he goes. There’s no way for anyone to argue this. That boy honest to god is just eating a fucking pineapple at school.

[sese24]

@fangirf

[thebootydiaries]

Mom: how many Popsicles have you eaten today

Me, laying in a bed of Popsicle wrappers: now is not the time to talk about my personal flaws as a human

[popokko-deactivated20210315]

older siblings b like i hate u because mom made me do things before u were born and also because u are taller. younger siblings b like u are oppressing me by giving me a task. only children b like what the fuck is compromise, fuck you

[popokko-deactivated20210315]

middle children b like [disappear under mysterious circumstances]

[dammitxhaka]

OP forgetting middle children in the first post is on point

[theladyofpie-deactivated2019031]

Literally anyone: *puts butter, garlic, and onions in a pan*

Me, busting through their wall like the kool-aid man: smells good, whatcha cooking?

[spudsexuall]

My boyfriend talks in his sleep and because he’s bilingual, he says some hilarious/weird/sometimes creepy shit. I ask him every morning if he remembers saying this stuff and he has no idea about any of it. 

Here are some of my favorites:

-”Babe, can you please turn down the brightness of your skin” -After stealing all of the blankets: “This is my right as a human” -After I take the blankets back: “I don’t want your freedom, America. Just blanket” -Sometimes he just says “Hello?” as if he’s answering a phone call -One night he just said “Cabbage” which is weird because he doesn’t know the english word for that when he’s awake.  -After spooning me: “You have a nice butt” -”Who is that in the corner?” (terrifying) -”Watch out for the red lady” (even more terrifying) -Sometimes he will say things in German and it sounds like he’s speaking Parseltongue -One time I actually think he said something in Parseltongue -One time he talked about buying a ticket to “everywhere” and then just said “hello?” after two minutes of silence -And my all time favorite: ”This is MY yogurt, Satan”

[anxietyproblem]

[straylightjay]

[hilarioushumorfromouterspace]

[zikash-deactivated20160419]

[dailylilnasx]

Mont giving us some GREAT material the last couple days.

[crystaliskandar]

[stability]

[poetical-irony]

my naem is skwid

i am not fish.

i mite be sick

so im in dish.

the doctor touch

it give me shock.

i do not trust

so now im rock

[sarahmackattack]

10/10 squid poetry, on my evergreen squid tweet 😂

[modplug-deactivated20140131]

[voulair]

teacher: write a 5 page essay analyzing this me: it’s not that deep 🏊🏼

[stonefemblues]

i love u carly rae jepsen but the lyric "who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them" is an absolutely wild thing to say. are u gonna confiscate someone's eyeballs

[transplantarchive-deactivated20]

ur balls, hand em over 🔫

[transplantarchive-deactivated20]

i couldve phrased this better

[psy-faerie]

If someone tells you to stop ripping on them, even if you’re joking, fucking listen. That shit gets tiring doesn’t matter if it’s a fucking joke no one wants to hear negative shit all the time.

[psy-faerie]

Some of y’all think you can be rude asf all the time bc you’re “just joking” but you’re seriously wearing people down.