Helpless Nerd

They/them, 25, not your babe

[babblebunny]

I’m calling this segment

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* Just Ace Things *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

[what-even-is-thiss]

Fairy: Hey I didn’t get your name.

Me: Yeah that was on purpose.

Fairy: Oh my god stealing people’s names has been categorized as a war crime for like a hundred years. Do I seem like the kind of fairy that would do war crimes?

Me: Well yes, but that’s just my impression of you personally. Not fairies in general.

Fairy: You’re smarter than I thought.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Me: So is the fairy monarch democratically elected?

Fairy: I think the one from a small corner of Alabama might be but for the most part, no. It’s still decided by a contest between the three oldest children.

Me: What kind of competition?

Fairy: Well it used to be to the death but that was too violent so these days each kingdom comes up with their own. In mine I think they play marbles but I’ve never seen one.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Me: Okay so why shouldn’t I say thank you or give gifts in return for favors?

Fairy: That’s mostly a regional thing but where I’m from it’s insulting to the wealth of the person giving you stuff. Like you really only thank people when what they did was like a huge burden so if you thank someone for giving you something that’s like calling them poor.

Me: Fairies have wealth inequality?

Fairy: I mean we technically still live under a feudal system if I’m being honest but with modern technology and ethics nobody notices.

Me: Do you have Internet down there?

Fairy: Only dial-up. That’s why I come to your house.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Fairy: So you’re telling me that human men don’t think that frog eyes are sexy?

Me: Well not most of them to my knowledge.

Fairy: So I bought these contacts for nothing.

Me: Hey man you don’t have to be a frog spirit to lure men into your clutches. Plenty of dudes are into cat eyes and ghoulish moaning.

Fairy: You really think so?

Me: I know so! Stop doubting yourself so much. You can definitely find some mortal men to lure into the timeless void for several centuries and adopt a demon cat with you.

Fairy: Thanks, man. That means a lot.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Fairy: So humans... don’t eat glass?

Me: No? It’ll cut up our insides and kill us.

Fairy: Ooohhhh. Oh no.

Me: What did you do now?

Fairy: More like... what I’ve done over the past three centuries since I moved out of my mom’s house.

Me: Did the coughing up of blood not cue you into anything?!?!!

Fairy: I thought that humans just spontaneously die sometimes!

Me: No we don’t! There’s physical reasons for these things!

Fairy: So... no more bringing nightshade and glass entrees to the potluck?

Me: No!

[what-even-is-thiss]

Me: So why mushrooms as portals?

Fairies: Look man, even we don’t mess with mushrooms alright? Sometimes they open up a portal to the human world and it’s just best to not question it.

Me: So wait. You don’t make the fairy circles?

Fairy: No. Mushrooms decide.

[no-chill-at-all]

[no-chill-at-all]

[captain-snark]

this poor man

[tinderventure]

Wouldn’t you like to know

[toopunktofuck]

ayn rand failing to understand that sesame street is for young children

[threegoatsinatrenchcoat-deactiv]

god this is missing the best part JIM HENSON I think Ms. Rand and my character Oscar the Grouch would have a lot to talk about actually. I am laughing out loud at this idea. AYN RAND Why would I want to talk to him. What has he achieved or trying to achieve. JIM HENSON He has achieved what I think is the ultimate goal of your way of thinking.

[threegoatsinatrenchcoat-deactiv]

lmao

[tallulahshorts]

Savage

[tikkunolamorgtfo]

I can’t believe I never knew that Jim Henson straight up murdered Ayn Rand. 

[chekhov]

[wildeismsremade-deactivated2019]

[broitsablog]

@indigopersei is the french language just always on the verge of getting someone accused of assault or..?

[dammitperseus]

my friend, if only you knew

[randomfandomteacher]

It’s a very dangerous language to learn

[party-bees-deactivated20181211]

Here’s an interesting thing about French! Everything needs to have an article in front of it. That’s why it’s “la chat” as opposed to just “chat”. So, for instance, you could say la fille for the girl, or jeune fille for young girl, but you can’t just say fille, because that means you are calling her a sex worker in a derogatory way.

The moral of the story is, if you want to make something rude in French, just take out the article in front of it. Yes, this works for nearly. every. word.

[wine-dark-sea]

#now I’m wondering how often my high school french teacher was silently screaming because of this little fact

Every year. Every year there’s that kid who forgets that you can’t translate “I am excited” to “Je suis excitée”. And every year Monsieur Jordan has to slam the brakes before that kid can finish his sentence and then tactfully ask him not to announce to the class that he is horny.

[shamwowxl]

“is the french language always on the verge” oh buddy, oh pal, i am so happy to break this news to you: 

[super-metroid]

truly the language of love

[breaddo]

@lou-who-writes hey what the fuck

[omghotmemes]

I laughed way too hard at this

[mezimraky]

in case anyone is looking through the notes trying to find the original artist it’s will mcphail !! feel free to check out his site but also here are some other things he made too !!

[smooththegoofyshark]

OOOHHH CLICK ON THAT LINK THIS GUY IS FUCKING GREAT

[evilkitten3]

HOLY SHIT

this guy GETS IT

[chrissongzzz]

[lizoncloud9]

Albert went in 😂😂

[vibraniumacrylicpowder]

Raassssssclllaaaaarrt 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

[alladoreqi]

He was on the other side like

[songsterbee]

the fact that he was STILL typing !!! LMAO im crying…. read her!

[blackqueerblog]

this should be taught in AP Literature

[mysimpsonsblogisgreaterthanyours]

[chekhov]

[wildeismsremade-deactivated2019]

[broitsablog]

@indigopersei is the french language just always on the verge of getting someone accused of assault or..?

[dammitperseus]

my friend, if only you knew

[randomfandomteacher]

It’s a very dangerous language to learn

[party-bees-deactivated20181211]

Here’s an interesting thing about French! Everything needs to have an article in front of it. That’s why it’s “la chat” as opposed to just “chat”. So, for instance, you could say la fille for the girl, or jeune fille for young girl, but you can’t just say fille, because that means you are calling her a sex worker in a derogatory way.

The moral of the story is, if you want to make something rude in French, just take out the article in front of it. Yes, this works for nearly. every. word.

[wine-dark-sea]

#now I’m wondering how often my high school french teacher was silently screaming because of this little fact

Every year. Every year there’s that kid who forgets that you can’t translate “I am excited” to “Je suis excitée”. And every year Monsieur Jordan has to slam the brakes before that kid can finish his sentence and then tactfully ask him not to announce to the class that he is horny.

[shamwowxl]

“is the french language always on the verge” oh buddy, oh pal, i am so happy to break this news to you: 

[super-metroid]

truly the language of love

[pangur-and-grim]

did I ever upload the full photoset? here’s Grim van Gogh in all her glory

[alex-fa-ch]

...what

[alex-fa-ch]

This is already going wild places Im-

[alex-fa-ch]

TO SOMEONE ON CHEMO TH0UGH??

[alex-fa-ch]

What must their home life be like. Like if these are their power games. What goes on behind closed doors. What the fuck.

[tearstainedbugatti]

[yesitisijessie]

Naruto running my way out of here is my new catchphrase

[red-swimmerz-deactivated2021082]

Hey guys! :) I just want you all to remember that SOCIAL DISTANCING is IMPORTANT in order to minimize the contraction of COVID-19. :) So make sure to STAY in your HOMES. :) Even if you are at a YOUNG AGE and have NO PRIOR HEALTH ISSUES, it’s still important to be MINDFUL of those who are of OLDER AGE and have HEALTH ISSUES that could potentially INTERFERE with their RECOVERY if they contract the CORONAVIRUS. :) So as a SERVICE to your COMMUNITY, it’s important to remain ENCLOSED in your HOME. :) STUCK, if you will. :) Now go do something FUN from the CONFINES of your HOUSE. :) Perhaps play some VIDEO GAMES with your ONLINE FRIENDS? :) :) :)

[calware]

i’m bringing this back because i don’t think enough of you were forced to look at this

[calware]

[literature-license-please-deact]

Jesus Christ you tumblr users will start screaming over the smallest things. Distance, dickheads. Don’t be selfish.

[calware]

oh you sweet summer child, that is not why they’re mad

[business-as-usual-bats]

Some guy in an avengers Tshirt I just met at a coffee shop: so who's your favorite superhero?

Me too exhausted to explain there's more than one Robin: Batman

Guy: oh! Did you watch the Joker movie? It was surprisingly good for a DC film haha

Me: yeah it was something

Guy: you know they really fucked up on Justice League, but I've got to say Wonder Woman was better than Captain Marvel. Like, we get it, "yay girl power." That's great but it was so over the top. It totally ostracized half of it's audience.

Me: wow really

Guy: yeah. You know, you seem pretty chill. Maybe we could hang out sometime and watch some decent superhero movies? You know, Marvel movies haha

Me: i never asked, who's your favorite hero?

Guy: Iron Man. Like Batman but richer and cooler haha

Me: you know, Batman's rule? No killing?

Guy: yeah?

Me: i have no such rule. Lindsey, I found another one. My usual, please

Lindsey, the barista: *hands me my sword*

Guy: wow that's a poor replica of the God Killer blade, it should have more- *beheaded*

Me: thank god that's over

Lindsey: yeah. Hey want to watch Birds of Prey with me sometime?

Me: oh? You mean like as... a date?

Her: well yeah... is that okay?

Me: of course it's okay! all this time, all these years, i never knew you felt that way

Her: i don't keep a replica of Wonder Woman's sword under the counter for just anyone

Me: i never thought about it that way

Her: *writes her number on the forehead of dead guy* text me ;)

[business-as-usual-bats]

This is gaining notes faster than I thought so either we all know the same annoying guy or this is just what y'all think romance is

[nega-spark]

[carldangerous]

This really cool and then I turned the sound on and now I am… unsettled

[hornswogglingpapergirls]

I love them

[neenarchive]

vampire who's married to an archaeologist voice: my love, stop trying to carbon date me

[neenarchive]

*at the museum* my love, why is my cursed amulet in this display case