— the purest form of love you say?
summary: Rafe sees reader for the first time at a dinner, sitting alone as she looked like she was exhausted and alone. After he approached her they decided to go on a journey across the states, trying to reach an old family spot he used to go with his sister.
pairing: Cannibal! Rafe x Cannibal! Reader
warnings: english is not my first language so there may be some grammar errors. Mentions of cannibalism and a little bit of gore (??), also angst and some suicidal thoughts
inspired by: Bones and all ! Luca Guadagnino
NAVIGATION ! The cannibal collection. 𝜗𝜚
It was chilly outside, the sun was already set when you made your way in the dinner searching for warmth. You didn’t have a jacket, and going around with only your tank top wasn’t the best idea ever.
The place was quiet, almost empty besides a few other people. You made your way to one of the empty tables, ordering a cup of hot milk while you took out a map from your backpack.
Ten cities were circled in red. You roamed around ten fucking cities without a purpose in the past five days.
You ran away from home a couple of weeks before, it’s not like you had a choice, you would be dangerous for everyone if you didn’t. You tried so hard to contain yourself, to try and stop whatever problems you had in your head, but you failed. You failed every single time. It’s like you were born to be violent.
Your head was resting on the table, looking at the map, thinking where you could go next considering that money was running short and you didn’t have a car. Even if you did, you wouldn’t have enough money for the fuel.
The soft sound of the door opening didn’t caught your attention. But your presence, your smell, did caught someone’s attention. Rafe’s attention.
Your fingers played with the straw of the cup that the waiter gave you a couple of minutes ago, head still resting on the table. Life didn’t have a purpose anymore under your eyes, if you killed yourself that day no one would notice. At least that was the easiest way right now.
“I heard your smell from outside” A figure sat on the other side of the table, right in front of you. When you raised your head you saw a tall guy with dirty blonde hair and the most mesmerising blue eyes ever.
“Sorry?” You replied confused, voice soft as you finally started drinking your milk, hands trying to get warm by holding the cup.
“Aren’t you one of the—” His sentence was cut short by you almost choking on your drink. But he didn’t do anything to help you, he just sat there looking.. confused?
“I’m sorry” You said coughing a bit, he did caught you off guard. “You can smell that?” Your hand went to touch your shoulder, your gaze never leaving his as now you were definitely more intrigued.
“Can’t you?” He simply said, receiving a shoulder shrug from you as an answer.
“Yn” A small smile appeared on your face, trying to give him the impression that you weren’t there for.. judging him?
“Rafe” He said taking off his jacket, passing it to you shortly after, “Your body is shivering, I bet you’re cold.. you can keep it”.
You looked at him, then at the jacket. This was one of the few times someone was actually nice to you since you ran away from home, it felt weird, but you still grabbed the jacket, putting it on.
“Thanks I guess” You made the cup slip to his side of the table, you didn’t know why you did that, it just felt.. right?
“It’s still warm” He said as he took a sip, making a disgusted face right after which made you giggle a bit, “How much sugar there is in this thing?” He asked, passing you the cup back, “Mh, I’d say more than one cube” You replied, finishing the milk. “Who puts sugar in their milk.. other than you apparently”.
You guys sat there for what felt like days. Sometimes you talked, sometimes you enjoyed each other’s company in silence.
In those two hours you learnt a lot about him. How his mother died and the fact that his father doesn’t treat him like his son anymore, the way his sister barely speaks to him because she’s scared that he’ll hurt her.
Everything looked like you were looking at yourself in the mirror, except his side was broken and beyond repair. You were two sides of the same coin.
Rafe didn’t know why he decided to talk to you, he usually didn’t do that. Maybe he was desperate. Maybe he needed someone like him to understand him. Or maybe he just felt like it.
It didn’t matter the reason, the more he talked to you the more he understood how someone can be so similar to you, yet so different.
After a while you found yourself walking with him outside the dinner, hands in the pockets of the jacket that he gifted you while he was lighting a cigarette.
“The car is yours?” You asked when you saw him stopping in front a black Jeep. “And if I tell you it isn’t?” He said taking a drag of his cigarette.
“I’d ask you to give me a ride anyway” Your hands were behind your back now, playing with your own fingers as you leaned slightly with your body in his direction, a small dimple appearing on your left cheek.
“Where are you directed?” He opened the door for you, turning on the front light to make it more cozy, “Well.. that’s the thing, I actually don’t know. You can drop me at the next city, don’t worry”.
You entered the vehicle, grabbing the map again to check where the nearest city was, but you quickly got distracted by the other door shutting.
“You can come with me, I mean, if you want to of course”, The sound of the engine start made you bit your lower lip, thinking about what he just said.
“I don’t wanna be a weight for you, I can imagine it’s already hard like this” You said, quickly getting reassured by him putting a hand on your head, stroking your hand gently.
“If you were i wouldn’t have asked you, plus I think it’s, you know, easier..? To go around with someone like me, not that i want to use you — fuck, I mean that I like your presence or something like that” He said pulling out the driveway.
A soft smile plastered on your face. You turned around, back pressed against the car door and your, now bare, feet were on the seat.
“Well, I’ll stuck with you then.. which is nice, I never had to be with someone like me so this is new, where are we headed?”.
“North Carolina, I want to go visit a place where I used to go with my sister” His way of driving was comforting in some way, he didn’t go too fast nor too slow, like your mother used to do. “And after that?” You asked, grabbing some candy stick from your backpack, biting it. “I don’t know, we’ll see what happens”.
You spent all the night sleeping while Rafe continued driving, eventually arriving at the border of Idaho, parking near a little forest for the night.
Now you got woken up by Rafe’s finger poking your cheek, your first instinct was to bite his finger, almost too violently, which made him pull away quickly. When you realised what you actually did you got up from your seat, getting out of the vehicle.
“Fuck, I’m so sorry Rafe please I didn’t mean—” You were cut short by him putting his hands in his pockets, smiling a bit, “Hey, don’t apologise, I get it maybe you’re hungry, it happens just don’t guilt yourself for that, it’s.. how we are”.
It was the second day that you knew him, yet he understood you more than everyone ever did in your life. Maybe because he was just like you, violent.
This side of you always made you feel disgusted, like you wanted to throw up but you couldn’t and you were just there, stuck in a horrible sensation for the rest of your life. You always wondered what was like to be normal, to enjoy normal meal, have friends that lasted more than a month, to not have your family never consider you like you weren’t fully one of them. You yearned for a life that you will never have because something in you was broken. But you wanted to try and have it, you wanted so badly.
Without even realising you were hugging Rafe, arms around him as your head rested on his chest, warm tears falling down your cheeks. His hand went to your hair without saying a work, he just stood there in silence like it was the best thing to do.
“Rafe” You murmured, hand wiping your own tears, “Mh?” He replied.
“After we go to North Carolina.. let’s try to be normal people, we could move somewhere and see how life goes” You slowly pulled away from him, raising your head enough to look at him in the eyes.
“Okay” He replied, a smile forming on his face. He finally found the opportunity to prove himself and everyone else that he wasn’t the monster they thought he was.
“Promise?” You asked showing him your pinky finger.
“Promise” He said interlinking your fingers.
That day you two got back in the car with a promise with each other, yet different promises to yourselves. You promised to yourself that you’ll have the life of a normal person. Rafe on the other hand promised to himself that he’d do everything to be different, to stop being seen as a person he didn’t want to be.
You two stopped at a gas station, Rafe went inside to pay for some gas while you ate the remaining candy sticks that you had in your backpack. But soon you’ll have to eat.. real food before the hunger will start to drive you crazy.
“I can’t believe this bastard made me pay the gas more where the fuck are we” He said entering back in the car, shutting the door aggressively. “Wyoming?” You said, making him soften a bit.
“I heard that tonight there’s like a carnival in town, we should go, you know get mind off stuff before we start going towards Nebraska” You threw him a candy stick, stretching your legs on his lap.
“I mean if you want to i won’t say no” He took a bit of the candy stick, then, when you were distracted by the kids running on the street, he started to tickle your fear making you burst out laughing.
“RAFE STOP” You shouted, still laughing while your body got closer to his, trying to get him off.
He eventually stopped, but you rested your head on his shoulder to catch your breath, giving him a soft punch in his stomach causing him to laugh too.
“I hate you” You said smiling as you pulled away, back resting again against the car door.
“No you don’t” He replied, smile on his face as he took another bite of the candy stick.
“Yeah you’re right, maybe I don’t, maybe you’re more sufferable than I thought” That sentence made him raise his middle finger in your direction.
“So about the smell thing” You two were walking in the carnival’s direction when you asked this, curious about what he said to you when you first met.
“You how strong is the smell of something that is rotting, yeah? It’s kinda the same thing, except normal people aren’t used to hear it because their brains can’t notice it, it’s weird but someone told me that once” Your hand was hanging on his bicep as you looked at him while he spoke.
You wanted to ask him about the person who told him that, but after a couple of seconds of critical thinking you just shook your head. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea.
“Mh, what’s the purest form of love in your opinion?” He asked you while you arrived in front of the panoramic wheel, helping you getting on it.
“I don’t know, like I genuinely believe that if you love someone you would do anything to please them, but still I never loved someone so I don’t know what to tell you” You replied, tucking your hair behind your ears.
“You never had a boyfriend?” He asked, looking pretty much shocked, “Never, well two if we count the ones in elementary school” A giggle escaped your lips.
“You’re cute when you laugh” He pointed out getting closer, “Oh shut up Rafe” you said putting a hand on you face to cover it, while with the other you pushed him away.
Rafe told you he was going somewhere about an hour ago, honestly you don’t even know if it was an hour, you lost condition of the time. You just knew he was gone for a while now.
You were looking for him everywhere, you even thought he just left you there, but he wouldn’t, right? He promised you that he would stick out.
As you were exiting the carnival a weird smell passed under your nose. You couldn’t relocate it properly, it was a mixture of mud and something metallic. Whatever it was out of pure instinct you just started following the smell.
You found yourself not too far from the carnival, near a small river who was surrounded by corn plants. You started walking between them, continuing to follow the smell.
As you arrived you saw Rafe, shirtless, on the ground with a, now dead, body in front of him. His face was full of blood and so was his body, he looked like he hadn’t eaten in a while.
“Rafe?” You spoke softly, slowly taking off your jacket and tank top to not stain them, remaining in your bra.
He raised his head from what was his dinner, trying to clean his mouth with his hand but failing miserably considering they were both full of blood.
“Aren’t you hungry?” He said, making you a sign to come closer and just eat. You nodded in response, walking closer and kneeling down near the body.
In seconds you were eating it like your life deepened on it, teeth ripping the skin off the body, swallowing it quickly.
Rafe was washing his hands and face near the river. When he was done he looked for something in the clothes of the dead man, grabbing his wallet from his pants.
“Well, we have money for the next week gas” He said showing you two one hundred bills, putting them in his pockets as he threw the wallet at the bottom of the river.
“Yeah”. You felt disgusting. Every time you ate someone you had this nauseous feeling that, not only hit your body, but hit your head too, making you feel a pang of guilt in your chest.
“Rafe, do you think we are bad people?” At the sound of the question he turned in your direction, kneeling in front of you.
“Don’t be too much on yourself, it’s not like we decided to be like this” He grabbed your face, starting to clean the fresh blood with a wet shirt. “You care about the people who you kill, you just can’t help it, either this, we die or we eventually eat ourse—”.
His sentence was cut short by you kissing him, hand on his chest, eyes closed, breath heavy. You didn’t know why you that. You never kissed people who you just met, actually, you never kissed anyone. It just felt natural, you followed the instincts of your body.. and it’s not like you were disliking it.
Rafe didn’t pull away, if else he just pressed himself more against you. The taste of the blood that was still in your mouth eventually reached his, mixing itself with the saliva.
“Sorry”, You simply said as you pulled away.
“Don’t be” He replied, giving you a soft kiss on the forehead.
Your feet were hanging out the window as Rafe drove in a beautiful road surrounded by trees. You guys spent together a month now, and it was the easiest your life has been since now.
“Well, at this peace we’ll get to North Carolina by the fourth, maybe we could go see the fireworks” You said, eyes scanning the road you guys had to do.
“Yeah, that sounds nice” He said, quieter than usual as his grip got tighter around the wheel.
“Everything’s fine? You look weird today” That sentence made him stop the car, well after parking near some trees to not be on the middle of the road.
“Rafe?” A confused look was now on your face, you put your feet back in the car, positioning yourself to look at him.
“Listen, it’s killing me not talking to you about it, especially after you told me basically everything about yourself” His elbows were on his knees as his fingers traveled in his hair.
“Rafe if you don’t want to no one is fo—” But he didn’t listen, he just cut you off, “No Yn you need to know, I just feel so much like a disgusting person and if I don’t tell you I feel that I’ll just feel worse”.
You sighed, holding the hem of your dress tight as you excepted him to say something.. anything at this point.
“Remember when you talked about your first time eating someone? And I didn’t want to talk about it because I said I didn’t remember it very well? I lied. My first time was my mother when I was four, it was an accident, her and my father were arguing and I bit her leg in hopes to drag her away from him, but they went in too deeply and I couldn’t stop myself, it felt like I was about to touch the stars with one finger. And I promise that I didn’t want to lie to you because you’re the most precious person that I have in my life.. but I was scared, I was scared that you would find me disgusting as I found myself, that you would see me as a monster, but I don’t want to a bad person Yn.. I don’t want to be like this”.
His eyes started getting teary as your grip on your dress tightened. You realised that a normal person in your position would freak out, it was normal considering your “boyfriend” just told you he ate his mother. But you didn’t feel anything.. if else you felt bad for him, he was just a baby after all.
“Rafe” Your hand went to his cheek, wiping away warm tears that were still falling down his face, “Just because you hurt someone accidentally doesn’t mean that someone will hurt you back”.
He slowly raised his head to look at you in the eyes, he certainly didn’t expect you to react like that. His eyes were slightly red, cheeks still wet, “You don’t think I’m a bad person?” He asked quietly.
“The only thing that I know is that I can’t imagine living without since the first time that I met you. I’m no one to define what’s good or bad, but Rafe the way you show love is the purest I’ve ever received in my life”.
“Check what I found” Before you could say anything a flash pointed your direction for a few seconds, accompanied by the sound of a camera.
You guys went to this vintage store to see if you could find some summer clothes, but Rafe apparently had other plans.
“C’mon Rafe you took it from my bad angle” You whined walking closer to him, looking at the photo coming out from the camera.
“I think it’s cute” He said with a smirk, putting the photo in his pocket.
The old man who was sitting at the counter looked at the two of you, soft smile on his face as he remembered his, now dead, wife — it gave him a sense of warmness inside.
“You guys can keep it if you want, it’s on the house” The old man said, taking a sip of his mug full of tea.
“Oh no please! Only god knows how many ugly pics Rafe could take with that thing” You said, receiving a whine of disapproval from Rafe.
“Young lady, trust me, it’s better off in your hand than in the hands of this old man.. it used to be my wife’s camera but I’m too old for this things, and she never actually taught me how to use that. She would love to see how two young people like you can make memories with it”.
“Well in that case we have to say thank you for your kindness, it means a lot” Rafe replied, a smile forming on his face.
“Just take care of yourselves, and if you eventually pass by the city again, come and say hi, I’ll prepare some tea for you”.
Some new elements can be found in your backpack !
July — North Carolina 9 pm.
After basically two months of being together everyday, traveling to a bunch of different states, going through a lot and eating together, you finally arrived.
You finally arrived to the spot Rafe talked you about the first time you guys met. A beautiful lake in the middle of the woods. The place had a little pier, probably for people who wanted to take a swim.
“Rafe this place is beautiful” You said tugging his shirt, wanting him to take the camera out the backpack.
It was chilly tonight, that’s why you were wearing his jacket and he offered to carry your backpack.
“Yeah, Sarah, my sister, always whined when we didn’t go here during weekends, when I was younger I didn’t get her hype about this place.. but now I see why she was so excited” He said, taking the camera out.
“You know, I think you should talk to her, at the end she’s still your sister and it’s better than acting like she doesn’t exist you know” You said sitting down on the cold grass.
“Well, maybe let’s not talk about that option now, okay? Maybe when we settle down somewhere I’ll think about it” He sat down next to you, pulling you gently down to lay with him.
“Soon the fireworks will start” He simply said, trying to change the subject.
Silence was now replacing your talks and giggles from hours before. It wasn’t awkward, if else it was peaceful, you enjoyed spending your time with him.. and all this right now was perfect.
Then the first firework hit, bright and red lights were covering the sky, the lake reflected them with perfection.
You and Rafe were so caught in your moment, looking at each other, holding hands, that you didn’t even felt time passing.
Everything felt perfect, ‘till it wasn’t.
Not when you felt warm and dense liquid drip on your leg, you lowered your gaze and suddenly everything shattered.
Rafe white t-shirt was now turning red. The stain of blood slowly got wider as seconds passed.
His eyes also drifted to his shirt, remembering what previously happened that day. While you guys were in the car you suddenly stopped because of something on the road. In that moment he felt one of the stitches he had in his stomach opening, but he didn’t give it too much thought.
Now he was screwed. He was screwed big time.
The nearest hospital was two hours away, he couldn’t drive in a situation like this and even if you did you would never arrive in time.
“Rafe we have to get you to the hospital, somewhere, anywhere” Desperation hit you.
“The nearest hospital is two hours away from here, we wouldn’t arrive in time” His hand pressed against his stomach as he felt the cut widen even more. But you didn’t give up, you tried desperately to help him get up, to convince him to get some help.
“It’s useless Yn” He said, voice getting quieter now, “No.. no Rafe I can’t leave you here like this, I can’t have you dying, please don’t leave me, please I’m begging you. You promised me that we would live like normale people” You voice grew louder than his.
But he didn’t say a word, he opposed to you helping him to get up as tears were pouring down your face. The grip that you had on his shirt was weak, not because you were, but because you were so in pain thinking about the idea of living without him your body was slowly weakening, malfunctioning.
“Eat me” He said, breath now heavier.
“What? No.. no Rafe I won’t do that, I can’t I want you to stay here, to be with me, I—” You were panicking, your breath also getting heavier as he tried to calm you down caressing your cheek.
“But that’s what I want you to do, Yn, love, things will be easier if you do”.
“No I can’t eat you, don’t this to me.. please don’t leave me”.
“But I won’t leave you if you eat me, Yn please.. just love me and eat”.
And so you did, with tears still running down your cheeks you started eating him. You could hear him scream in pain. You could see how he tried to move his hands towards your hair to reassure you but he couldn’t. You saw the little tear falling down his face as his eyes lost the shine they always had.
As the last fire work hit the sky you found yourself taking the last bite of his heart. You did love him in the end, in the purest way he could think of.
And Rafe? He died knowing that maybe he wasn’t a monster like everyone painted him after all.
a/n: i spent my last days writing this but it was worth it because i had so much fun doing so!!