merry crambro
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@stuckindreams
merry crambro
A shadowy figure tried grabbing me the other hand night in a dream. In fact I'm having a shit load of dreams of people trying to chase me down and kill me. I keep waking up in cold sweats.
8/12/2020
Mario/Zelda game where you can glitch out of bounds to new areas using a glider. From the moon. I am tired.
This is an old draft but still relevant
I think the Australian Government needs to do a better job at handling mental health situations such as episodes and reform.
Recently someone in my family was admitted to the hospital due to a manic episode. The hospital was only a temporary one meant to be for 48 hours max. But he was there for a whole week then transferred to a proper ward for another week.
Unfortunately the doctors and nurses weren't doing well at being communicative with issues with how he was going. They were concerned about what he was saying and took a lot of things at face value.
A major issue I found out while trying to help him through everything by visiting him often did have to do with this lack of communication. We asked when he was able to get out at the first hospital and they said initially he may be here for a week, then we find out it's only a 48hr hospital. But he stays for a week anyway. They then tell him he's only being transferred for a short time, but he stays at the new hospital for a week as well. We ask a nurse when he should be able to get out, the nurse directs us to a doctor, the doctor directs to the psychiatrist that only shows up on weekdays, (it was friday). The psychiatrist then tells us he may be there for another week as nurses and doctors had to assess him further.
This was too much of a roundabout way just to find out how long people are usually admitted for. He also had a social worker saying he can help him get out, and the psychiatrist told us that wasn't going to be the case.
The lack of direction and help to find out how the process works was very concerning.
The next point is a bit of a personal issue, but the psychiatrist we talked too didn't seem to care so much that we needed to more information.
What seemed more concerning was they were withholding information from us about him being pinned down by security and having to be restrained. And then being told we weren't told that until that meeting because they don't want to show that to families?????? I think a family has the right to know how much force is needed on the person being admitted to give a scale on how serious the case is.
The psychiatrist also didn't think us wanting to help him get out due to the bad environment in the wards affecting him mentally more was a justified enough reason for him to consider allowing it or us mentioning it too him as he put himself on the defensive.
The environment itself was very hard for him to be in, the reason being is as his manic state started to relax and sustain back to normal, the environment he was in was threatening, boring, and uncomfortable. It was threatening as there were patients that had physically attacked him, yelled at him, and were screaming. Which was hard on him, boring due to the lack of anything to do making his one activity pacing, and it was just an uncomfortable situation to be in.
Even when I walked in to visit a few times I was threatened by the same patient that attacked him. And none of the behaviour is the wards fault or even the patients, everyone there needed mental therapy and help. But it was not ok for someone like my family member who had never experienced it before and was shoved into that situation.
Talking about needing mental help, there were not enough doctors around to help everyone, everyone had a specific time slot for a select few doctors, and a lot of the time when the patients felt anxious or even nervous, they weren't given any help besides medication. And I saw him take a pill every time he had a panic attack. And it wasn't healthy.
After he got out (the only reason by the way was because he got attacked), they barely gave him any information on how to improve besides some required counselling sessions. They didn't try to help him financially as he was struggling as they tried readjusting again. And they didn't treat him with a lot of respect, they treated him like he kept saying all the wrong things.
Its very jarring to see how all of this went down and to be very honest it should've been better. Even myself with mental health issues, it's hard to get help even on days I'm having a depressive episodes there isn't much of an incentive to seek out medical support due to the high costs even after Medicare and health care, and the lack of financial freedom you get when having these illnesses. I get so anxious I can't work but no job employer wants to know that, and having that on a centrelink document doesn't do much but give you a few months of breathing room even with the low pay I'm getting.
Honestly sometimes my brain is really mean to me. My mental health can be fine one day and a fucking wreck the next. I’m in a low in between right now of feeling ok and feeling like shit so it’s like this weird limbo of feeling almost like shit.
Honestly I’ve had some of the worst experiences with mental health, and still to this day have I not found a way to completely feel fine. I think I have a lot of issues to do with forming bonds with people and feeling like if I talk too much people will get mad. Especially when it comes to mental health everyone shuts down and I got so used to it that I stopped talking to people about the issues happening in my life. Because there’s a lot.
Childhood Trauma isn’t something that should be taken lightly neither is being abused but my god I wish I just wasn’t hit you know? I want to be able to be in a stereotypical normal family with a normal mind and a normal set of thoughts. But I have overwhelming mental health issues that I can’t just talk about. I wish my problems were simple. Like I can’t talk to someone I like so I’m a tiny bit anxious, or I ate something too fast. I don’t know what people without issues think about.
Right now I am struggling, I’m struggling to express myself, I’m struggling to have connections with people, I’m struggling financially, I’m struggling to get a job, I’m struggling with the fact that my childhood was fucked, I’m struggling with hobbies. But the only way through it all is swallowing whatever pride and anxiety or depression I’m having and just doing what needs to be done anyway, even if it hurts me.
Is that really a way I want to keep living? I just want this shit to be over, there have been so many times where I have almost felt that true happiness and bliss. But I’ve been stuck in perpetual nothing for way longer. It’s weird. I feel very broken and only stitched up back together by mere chance. It’s chance that I’m not on drugs or completely fucked up. Because I do have an addictive personality and if I was on something who would really stop me?
Why do I spend some nights even if I’m feeling good staring at the suicide hotline? Is that something I want? Someone to talk too? Am I even suicidal? I have been in the past and I do have to say it isn’t fun. Being told just to feel better or even just stop being a pussy and just get it over and done with already. Is it weird that I try and I try to please everyone but still be called selfish because I made one mistake or tried spending some of my time for myself?
Why am I even typing this up? Why even try to connect with strangers in the first place? Why am I going to tag this? Am I that desperate for communication? It feels like I’m being pathetic. Because I know how to deal with mental health, but I also feel like i don’t. Because I keep trying and trying and trying and nothing really seems to improve it. I think I might be the issue, as dumb as it sounds maybe I’m closed off to positivity.
I think I’m talking so much but still not saying how I really feel, because I don’t want people to pity for me or feel sorry for me because a lot of my self esteem and self worth is in shambles. Because I have had it ingrained into my mind by my dad that asking for help is something I should never do.
Lessons my dad has taught me is so hard to undo.
Perfect Practice Makes Perfect: This one is fucking dumb you can never practice something perfectly, but my god if I ever make a mistake now I feel that dread I used to feel all over again because I remember how much he hated us doing any sought of mistakes and being hit over it.
Have some pride: This is stupid because every time I had something I loved or enjoyed he hated it, and got mad he even destroyed things that I owned because of it.
There’s others but I dislike putting my family down as they’re trying to change and move on and they don’t need the constant reminder that have been shitty in the past. It’s just affecting me right now and I need to talk about it even if no one is ever going to listen.
Anyway I’m fucked.
The end.
I had my first basketball match today, I did awful but I had fun!
5/11/2020
I was in sleep paralysis but in between I had a dream about an old character from a book I wrote when I was younger it was nothing special, but a tragic back story for a better main character them the one I wrote at the time would be a pretty good way to start getting back into writing.
Guess who had sleep paralysis all morning? It was me I did it was torture. Have you ever tried moving your body slightly so you can roll over. It sucks trying to do it and nothing fucking happening.
I feel like shit woo x
your first column of emojis describes your personality! what’s yours?
🖕🙃👀😐 i mean honestly yeah
👌🥺😘✊🤙
i mean...
✨🥺😔💙💔
oop-
💕🦋😭🦎🍪 yea ok makes sense
🚻🚺👻😭💛
Welp
Wait when did I even use these emojis???🚻🚺
Idk but whatever
😂💓🥺😭😍 yeah okay
😁👻😟🙂🐢
🦋✨🎃😏🎄
😭❤️🙂
Oh yeah have I mentioned I draw sometimes?
He looks a bit pink but that can be changed with an edit .
Dumb Halloween photos??? Also I look ugly but meh
26/10/2020
I couldn't wake up so I tried everything I could. Calling out for help, slapping my aircon, hurting myself but everything was still just a dream.
26/10/2020
The creators of doki doki literature club made a new game that randomly generated your ideal girlfriend in a 3D dating sim, the game glitches out immediately, the title screen is her in pain screaming and convulsing. If you don't give her enough attention she starts getting very aggressive and starts messing up your game. It was basically like a horror tomagachi.
Thanks dreams.
I REACHED 100 Followers on Twitch
It’s fucking rad it’s only been a month, if you haven’t followed follow here:
https://www.twitch.tv/stuckindreams
I appreciate the support :D
14/10/2020
Couldn't wake up could barely move my body to do anything but struggle all morning.
10/10/2020
Dreamt my mother killed me with a broken lamp tasering me to death. After the dream I had another where I was trying to crawl away so I can leave my dream and started screaming.