As I’ve started off my three other lengthy and unsent letters, I have so much to say, and at the same time, nothing at all. I guess that’s how it’s always been for me, thinking back to all those times of me being unable to speak my mind and tell you how I really feel and sitting in what felt like the most comfortable uncomfortable silence.
In short, I love you.
I always have and I think I always will. I don’t know if it’s possible to just... unlove a person that you’ve loved for so long, and if the past... wow, 13 years is anything to go by... I think for now, I’d like to turn this love into something more familial. So that when you get married and have kids, I can go and not have to cry in the bathroom between the ceremony and reception, and I can spoil your adorable kids without secretly resenting them.
I really do want to be happy for you. It just hurts a little that it kind of seems like she has the same name as me?
I’m really just making shots in the dark, making connections where there may, in fact, be nothing, and perhaps overthinking, as I always do. But some part of me hopes I’m not overthinking things, because you really do deserve someone better than your exes. Someone better than me, who can never seem to get it together when it really matters.
It just hurts that all the people after me have seemed so similar to me.
Some sick part of me is almost proud that I’ve made such an impact on you. The sane part of me knows that I’m just lashing out in hurt.
This isn’t working out, and I know that there’s almost no way it ever could. Not after what we went through. Not after all the things we did to each other (this is what I call personal growth, being able to acknowledge that not everything is my fault!). Not after all this time. The part of me that reads too much shoujo manga is on her hands and knees begging the rest of me to not let go.
Luckily for that part of me, I don’t know how to let go.
There’s a lot to unpack in my mind. 20+ years of blaming myself for everything doesn’t get untangled in just a couple of years. Just cause the pandemic left me too much time to actually take on the challenge, I have to admit that I don’t think I’ve made much headway in this area of my life. More than anything, I just don’t want to seem like a crazy person to you, even though I’m sure I already do at this point. Not that you’d ever see this.
But that’s the thing. If I sent this to you, I’m sure you’d really take the time to put the URL into your browser and read the entire thing. Because you care. A little too much, maybe, but that’s what I’ve loved about you too.
I’ve loved everything about you. The dumb faces you make. The way you are when you’re jealous. The way you treat everyone like they’re special. The way you love on and care for everyone. Your thoughtfulness. The silly things you’d come up with to make me smile. The way you never wanted to hurt me.
I always seemed to be hurt, huh?
I’m learning now that it’s mostly my fault. Not that I’m to blame, but you weren’t the one hurting me. Just me getting a little too far in my own head, and in my attempts to never be a bother to anyone, to never make anyone upset, to never hurt anyone else, I was hurting myself (and I’ve learned that hurting myself hurts others too, sorry). I know that now. It’s a work in progress. I don’t think it’s anything to apologize for, but I am sorry that you were caught up in it. I may not know much about you anymore, after all, 6-ish years is a long time to go without really seeing or talking to someone, but I still know you. Your kind and loving heart shouldn’t have had to try to pry mine open. I swear that behind the seemingly endless layers of protection, my heart tried.
It tried to tell you that one time at the Metreon that I was indeed hurt by how affectionate you were towards others. It wanted to hug you and tell you that you were more than enough when we were at youth camp and I told you I was cutting myself. It begged me to kiss you again when you were dropping me off after that one date when you said you wanted to be friends.
Wait, is that what you said? Actually, I remember a lot from that date, but I am still so confused about what happened after that. That afternoon and the years after were all one big jumbled mess to me. Kind of like when you wake up not knowing whether you’re late for work or it’s your day off.
“Friends don’t kiss,” is what I remember saying to you that day. I remember... not a lot. My mind was racing, I think you said that you didn’t know if you wanted to do those kinds of things with me. I remember that you said you liked hugging better (and honestly, same). That’s why we were just going to be friends? Was I just being a crazy person all this time? Like actually? Omg.
It does make the years that followed a little confusing though. How did we get from there to there? Teenage hormones, I’m sure.
How did I even get here? I just wanted to tell you that I want to be happy for you. I’m really trying. For the most part, I don’t even cry anymore when I think about what we had, and it doesn’t hurt so much seeing you with other girls. Just a little. A rather normal amount, I think.
If we had another chance, I know I’d do better. All I’ve ever wanted was to be with you, to live together and spend my days with you. Nothing special or extravagant, just to go places together, to cook and eat meals together, to watch movies and anime and other shows together, to play games together, to read the Bible together, to go to school events together, to go to games together, to lie next to each other and cuddle, to just be. And the me now has grown to be able to really open up, with minimal prying, I might add.
Motion City Soundtrack is still one of my favorite bands, and I swear I’m gonna make you listen to them someday. In one of their songs, Timelines, he says,
“It’s not a matter of time, it’s just a matter of timing.
Do you ever wonder how you got to here?”
It’s something I’ve never thought about, but it’s how I’ve thought for a long time since I heard those lines. It’s not a matter of how much time I give this relationship, it was the timing that mattered. We couldn’t be there for each other in the ways that we needed, when we needed, that’s all. Sometimes, giving it time doesn’t fix that.
It’s just hard when you were such a big part of my life growing up. I have so many memories of you, so many things that remind me of you.
People have told me that you’re no good for me. That you don’t actually feel anything for me. That you’re just stringing me along. But I think I’m just doing it to myself, haha.
There’s just something about you. Something that’s telling me to stick with it for just a little longer. To wait just a little longer. Something that’s telling me to not let go just yet. Honestly I don’t know whether it’s God or the devil at this point, but... I’m just taking each day as it comes. I have good days where I‘m really okay, and bad days where I lie in bed at night and cry cause I miss you. I also have days where I’m too busy and tired to think, but on half of those days I wish I was able to snuggle up to you when I sleep.
You’ve put up with me a lot over the years, and I’m really thankful.
Thanks, much love.