Studyblr Gets Real. Life Gets Real.
Alright so I have not posted any original content in a couple weeks maybe? I’m not sure, I haven’t been keeping track but for sure I know I’ve been slacking so here is somewhat of a life update or like idk rant? Spoken word? Whatever.
Studyblr gets real. Let me tell you something: it is now 9:48 am that I am typing this and 2 hours ago, I had my second panic attack in 3 days. That is a new record for me. I have very bad anxiety and have been struggling with it since 7th grade. I am in 11th grade now and this year has been the worst for me in terms of dealing.
I stopped sleeping completely over the past couple of weeks. When I say completely I mean like 0 hours if I wouldn’t literally pass out at like 5 pm from exhaustion. What would happen would be I would finish my homework and sit in my bed when my brain just starts going haywire. If you have anxiety you know what I’m talking about, it’s literally like thinking about everything but nothing at once and then all of a sudden your heart starts racing and now you’re sweating so you sit up from your bed and just sit there. That was me for 2 weeks. I would sit up from 11pm until 7 am the next day and get ready for school. I would mainly worry about school and my future and expectations and stuff like that. Then during the school day around 1-2pm I would have splitting migraines. By splitting I mean the pain is so sharp sometimes my vision would get blurry. But still I would push through the day and do my homework until my eyes literally close themselves at around 5pm. I would skip dinner and sleep until 2-3 am the next morning. Sometimes I wouldn’t even finish the homework I needed to and then I would stay up to make it up- do you see the vicious cycle?
I lost 5lbs in 3 weeks. I stopped having an appetite, stopped finding the motivation to do anything but study. On top of that, I broke up with my mega language nerd boyfriend. It was hard, and sad and messy for me. How was I supposed to keep up being a girlfriend to someone else when I was destroying myself? It wasn’t just that though, there were other reasons why I ended it but that was a big factor.
I suck at math- I always have, I maybe always will. I am good at trig and geometry and most complex math ideas from Algebra 1 and 2 but I suck at the basics. Like middle school math, like inequalities and stuff. It sounds ridiculous because math builds on the basics but I just figured my way around those things. I have to take the SAT in about 5 months but my “dip my toes in the water” one is in 3 weeks. The SAT math section tests the basics mostly and it’s been killing my scores. I almost got a perfect score on the English portion but the math killed me so badly. I have been struggling to relearn the basics and I cannot afford a tutor right now… that’s why I had another panic attack.
My GPA right now is a 3.7 and I am so proud of myself. I have worked beyond belief to get it up this high and maintain it like this. But I cannot say I feel good as a person. Every day I barely make it through the school day, eating is impossible to get me to do unless I force myself, sleeping is only better because I have stronger medication now that I can’t fight, sometimes I think about missing an econ class because I sit right behind him and it kills me (thankfully I haven’t because I love econ so much), I find myself sacrificing everything in order to maintain my scores.
I have been a victim of the aesthetic. I spend hours taking photos and making posts for this account. I have been restraining myself from driving over to Muji and buying hundreds of dollars of stationary using my hard-earned money. I have thrown away mind-maps because they haven’t been pretty enough for me to post. But somehow I still manage like this. It’s time for me to wake up and for you to too. Studying is good, it goes towards your future but please don’t think that the aesthetic is real a lot of the times. Sure we clean our rooms, and nice notes are good! I still have nice notes because I can refer to them in 5 months when I take my finals but that’s not all what studying is, we like to eat our avocado toast and run every day sure, but that’s only the beautiful part of being a student, we are ashamed to show our dark days: the days we don’t sleep, that C you got on a Chemistry quiz even though you studied for a solid week, that 3rd Advil you’ve taken today alone, the 3rd meal you’ve skipped in a row to do “just one more assignment”, your parents yelling at you because you’re never going to be good enough for anyone: A average or C average, skipping a class because you literally don’t have any strength to get up from bed. I have seen my friends cry when they wake up because it’s just too much: life and school. Studying with a mental illness is one of the hardest things to do like ever. And it’s not even just mental illness being a student is like the hardest thing ever and it seems like most adults forget what it’s like being a student when they scream at you for getting a B.
This is my pledge to start exposing more real sides to the Studyblr. I’m going to stop re-writing my notes, I’m going to make more posts that people want in terms of advice for anything, I’m going to start taking photos of my actual failures. We are all human, we all have bad days let’s just help each other out a little okay? We shouldn’t build walls of expectations for people to uphold. The Studyblr community has helped me with so many resources to improve myself and my grades and let me tell you not every day is bad, not every moment is bad, but let’s continue to help each other out for when it is.
Thank you so much to @universi-tea and @piratestudy for opening my eyes recently
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