We learn how to love, date, and what to look for in a partner based on others-- parents, family, friends. It’s the only real-world examples we have of what it means to be dating, and what we should cultivate in our relationships. So if you have seen a lot of negative relationships, it becomes harder to tell how to find someone who will be a good match for you.
The textbook describes 5 things that can affect how someone interacts in a relationship:
1. Compatibility Potential: The balance between similarities and differences in personality, view, and interests. In other words, how well you ‘fit’ together.
2. Relationship Skills: Communication, openness, conflict management and resolution.
3. Patterns From Other Relationships: Relationship patterns from both romantic and nonromantic relations.
4. Family Patterns and Background: The quality of parental marriage and the family’s expression of affection and emotion, development of roles, and interaction patterns.
5. Character and Conscience Traits: The emotional health and maturity of conscience.
These can be early signs of how someone will approach a relationship. The first two are usually the easiest, and the ones we consider most often. People will later describe failed relationships that missed the last three signs as being ”Too in love to see.”
In these cases, there’s a lack of ‘heart knowledge’; the person in question will experience an overdeveloped emotion attachment that separated their misgiving thoughts from their hearts. Reasoning resorts to “Things will get better” and “I know this is a problem, but they love me, and that’s all that matters.”
Society as a whole tends to view relationships and love as being a ‘matter of the heart’, or in some cases, a ‘matter of the head’. In reality, the two were meant to work together to sus out the true compatibility of relationships. It’s often perceived that love is an on-off switch. You are in love or you aren’t, and if you’re in love then you jump in head first with no thought. This is not a good way to experience love.
How to identify an asshole
Assholes have no gender. The only difference is the package they come in.
An excerpt from the textbook:
“No one earns the right to be called a jerk from merely acting like one once or twice. If we are honest, all of us act like jerks now and then. However, the most fundamental identifying feature of true jerks is their persistent resistance to ever changing their core jerk qualities. No matter how many times they have been confronted by you or others, they still persist in their hurtful pattern. If it is possible to reform a jerk, it will almost always require a major life crisis or life-transforming event. But the longer a jerk’s track record, the lower the likelihood for improvement.” (How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk. John Van Epp, pg. 17)
(They use the word jerk, but I prefer asshole <3)
So what are some signs of a jerk?
+ A habit of breaking boundaries.
-This can display itself in a number of ways, one of which being the ‘player’. They’re in love with the excitement of infatuation, and enjoy the attention it brings. They often start a new relationship... while being unable to end the last, despite it being boring to them.
-Another is the ‘space invader’. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is also mine. They are entitled to your attention, interest, money, time, and emotional support. This is, however, not a two-way street.
+Inability to see anything from someone else’s perspective.
-This shortcoming is hard to catch, as many people relate in different ways; you do have to be careful. However, for this trait over time, you are invalidated over and over again, and feel like you’re never understood no matter what you try to convey. Eventually, you realize you are completely invisible to your partner.
+Dangerous lack of emotional control.
-Everyone experiences emotional highs and lows. But in this case, it’s extreme-- either an incredibly emotionally turbulent individual, or one who is flat and unresponsive. It’s similar to a pendulum-- to far to one side, and your partner will be so unresponsive that you will feel empty and unloved. Too far to the other, and you’ll be thrust in a hurricane of turbulence. At times it will switch rapidly from one to another, leaving you unbalanced.
In the end, it’s these things repeated consistently, and without change despite intervention.
Who is more vulnerable to these sorts of relationships?
+People who just left a bad relationship.
-Think of it like a virus. Your immune system is compromised, and you need to give it a bit of time to heal before attempting anything again.
+Good hearted people.
-Good hearted people are easy to succumb to this, because they’re more likely to give second, third, fourth-- however many chances. Gives the other partner the benefit of the doubt. They are at the greatest risk for staying in these relationships, because good-hearted people are quick to forgive, overlook problems, minimize shortcomings, and give second chances. This is not to say you shouldn’t be good-hearted. You simply have to be cautious of people who are looking to take advantage of your innate kindness, whether they do it subconsciously or purposefully.
Well how do you avoid getting caught up in love-blindness?
Don’t go fast-paced. One of the most common ways to get caught up in a relationship with a ‘jerk’ is to get into something fast-paced. You run the risk of thinking you know your partner deeply, when in reality, you don’t. You know them in a more superficial sense. You’re more likely to gloss over issues that will come up later, and it can be intoxicating. Your ability to form strong, loving relationships can be used against you if you don’t intentionally pace a relationship.
Emotional bonding is important to a relationship, and understanding how you personally bond can help you quite a bit when it comes to forming new ones.