‘ i’m a snack but everyone seems to be on a diet. ’
‘ i’m gonna replace every bone in my body with a knife, if someone punches me they’re in for a surprise (the knife) ’
‘ let me just flirt with you and be a brat and send you cute half nudes. ’
‘ blue-flavored candy is always the best flavor of candy like what the fuck. blue raspberries aren’t even a thing. we are literally eating the color blue as a flavor and it’s fucking magical. ’
‘ touch id is pissing me off. ‘try again’ the fuck? it’s me with a lil chicken grease. ’
‘ call me in the middle of the night and tell me you can’t sleep without me. ’
‘ healthy relationships with fathers? sounds fake. ’
‘ me to my alarm in the morning: i was literally sleeping but go off i guess. ’
‘ do i blame my zodiac sign or my childhood traumas or both ’
‘ *eating microwaved ramen noodles and watching kitchen nightmares* i cannot believe this asshole didn’t use fresh chicken in his paella, unbelievable. ’
‘ my specialty: the accidental 12 hour nap in broad daylight ’
‘ quiet little moans while making out is the hottest thing ever ’
‘ date somebody who will go on a road trip with you to see america’s 10 most haunted places ’
‘ any vampires who need permission to enter my house…. you have my permission… you wanna come through my window in a flurry of fog and wind? you can do that… wanna drink my blood and take me away to your big vampire castle? alright friend, go for it ’
‘ i’m the guy from the lady and the tramp who gives stray dogs pasta and stands in an alleyway playing an accordion for them ’
‘ *nervously calls crush bro* ’
‘ i don’t have trust issues. i have ‘seen that shit happen before my own eyes’ issues. ’
‘ fuck summer. i want it to be dark and misty and frigid and october. ’
‘ concept: we are holding each other in bed, we look at each other and know that all that waiting all that distance was worth it to be close now ’
‘ i’m so lucky to have gotten to watch you grow so much this past year. i’m so proud of you. ’
‘ i’m so protective of me now, i’ll cut somebody off for simply having the wrong energy ’
‘ why are you trying to make me horny. bitch, you know i’m making macaroni. ’
‘ date a boy who curls up on your lap, even though he is 6’2" because he loves cuddles ’
‘ going out on a date is cool and all; but what about simply sharing a bed with someone, listening to music and discovering everything about one another, together. ’
‘ we are drunk and i ended up sitting on the bathroom counter with my legs wrapped around you, but when i wrote ‘marry me’ on your hand with a sharpie, i wasn’t joking. ’
‘ you’re equivalent to my favorite color. you’re the human version of what is safe. ’
‘ one of the most toxic things i’ve ever done is ignore the bad in someone because i love them. ’
‘ you think you want me to shut up? i have to listen to myself even when i’m not talking ’
‘ why would i fuck a demon? simple, the status. imagine rolling up into hell already havin had your back blown out by one of their own. imagine you and a gang of other losers standin at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? legendary. ’
‘ i like wearing your clothes. they smell like you and your scent is home to me. ’
‘ *therapist voice* you are stupid and gay. ’
‘ i like to blame myself for everything just in case. ’
‘ the realist thing you can do for me is keep your word. ’
‘ love yourself enough to set boundaries. your time and energy are precious. ’
‘ i haven’t done anything but i sure could use a break. ’
‘ sometimes you just need to hear how much you mean to someone. ’
‘ who needs april fools. my entire life is a joke. ’
‘ i wish i could be near you, my heart misses you. ’
‘ i’m not trying my hardest but i’m very tired which i think should be taken into consideration. ’
‘ me @ me: don’t start buddy don’t you dare. ’
‘ so what’s next? you heal. you grow. and you help others. ’
‘ my kink is not setting an alarm for the next morning. ’
‘ if you think i’m cute send me money. ’
‘ one day i will take a good selfie and you will be sorry….. you will all be sorry. ’
‘ not a day passes where i don’t embarrass myself but it’s ok because i’m on the path to destroy my ego so i won’t be embarrassed anymore. ’
‘ there is no reason not to love with you whole heart. ’
‘ i hope your heart heals from all the damage it took over the years. ’
‘ sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and send that text. ’
‘ ‘i can see your nipples through that shirt’ first of all stop being ungrateful. ’
‘ so much is going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s too much!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to sleep in the forest for 190 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m tired leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ’
‘ i heard you like bad girls. well i’m bad….. at everything. ’
‘ yes, i am fully aware that I’m The Worst™ but i still wanna be like……. loved and stuff. ’
‘ i really am, from the bottom of my heart, an actual fucking idiot. ’
‘ let me show you just how good i can be. ’
‘ i’m just tryna chill on a beach somewhere at 3 am. ’
‘ i have a serious weakness for thigh grabbing and hickeys. ’
‘ i’m a snail and god is salting me. ’
‘ i hate texting people who don’t use a billion emojis and a trillion exclamation points in their messages. just say you hate me and want me to die. ’
‘ being called baby?????? holding hands????!? being KISSED?!!!?!??????? ’
‘ i hope your heart heals from all the damage it took over the years. ’
‘ my heart busts a nut every time someone tells me they saw something and they thought of me. ’
‘ i have hella heart eyes for you. ’
‘ you’re cute. i wanna kiss you for a whole hour. ’
‘ it’s pretty iconic to like yourself. ’
‘ i am so jealous of animals that get to hibernate, like what the fuck, why can’t i just sleep for four months and then return to real life. ’
‘ stop feeling sad and acting weird you bitch (the bitch is me) ’
‘ i’m still obsessed with you like it’s day one. ’
‘ to quote hamlet act iii scene iii line 92, ‘no’. ’
‘ i would have a cuter room if i wasn’t a goblin who threw all her shit on the floor. ’
‘ on two hours of sleep i’m either way too happy or violently homicidal. ’
‘ let’s go on a date and by date i mean lay in bed and make out for three hours. ’
‘ alphabet soup. more like times new ramen am i right. ’
‘ tbh it’s okay if no one else thinks i’m funny because i think i’m a riot. ’
‘ catching feelings is bullshit. i’m just eating french fries, why i gotta think about kissing you? fuck you. ’
‘ smiling is so weird like you stretch your eating hole to show happiness. ’
‘ self care is putting absurd amounts of parmesan cheese on your pasta. ’
‘ you didn’t go through all of that for nothing. ’
‘ get you a girl who loses her shit every time you send a selfie. ’
‘ i wish i could be there to take care of you right now. ’
‘ home is where the heart is and my heart has always belonged to you. ’
‘ i just wanna have soft glowy skin, long eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, lots of cash, and no responsibilities. ’
‘ ok but platonic forehead kisses. ’
‘ my heart is guarded but like… very poorly. the kind of guards that would let 3 kids in a trench coat into an r-rated movie. ’
‘ what doesn’t kill me doesn’t kill me (unfortunately). ’
‘ do you ever look at a boy and wonder if he moans as pretty as he looks. ’
‘ life tip: if nothing goes right go to sleep. ’
‘ by cute do you mean you wanna frick frack or do you mean i look 12? ’
‘ cats are very pickupable and i think that was a really good choice on their part. ’
‘ don’t depend on anyone. handle your own shit. ’
‘ there isn’t one alternate reality where i didn’t fall in love with you. ’
‘ being my ex must be the worst thing. imagine losing me? ’
‘ if i say ‘backstreet’s back’ and you do not say ‘ALRIGHT!’ we’re not friends. burn in hell, you sick fuck. ’
‘ i love every cat in the entire world. every cat on the planet. if there are any cats in outer space, i love them too. ’
‘ my mom is really that bitch and i’m that bitch jr. ’
‘ you know you’re fucked when their voice turns you on. ’
‘ don’t look at my fucking boner when we fight. ’
‘ not all heroes wear capes. a lot of them wear collars and are called dogs. ’
‘ it’s you. it will always be you. ’
‘ why do tattoos cost so much? i’m paying you to injure me. ’
‘ thank you for being the biggest light in my life and saving me from the darkness. ’
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