On coming to terms with my aromanticism
I remember the first time I saw the word asexual outside of science class. (Funnily enough, it was a Tumblr post screenshot reposted on insta) I didn't know much at the time about anything, but reading those few lines about what asexuality was felt like homecoming. It just clicked.
That's me, I'm not alone!
(Still took me a good 4-5 years before I completely, unashamedly accepted it. Thanks allonormativity --)
For some reason, aromanticism was much harder to come to terms with. I didn't want to think about it, didn't want to entertain the possibility—probably because I already knew on some level.
Asexuality was a warm embrace after a long night out.
Aromanticism was a plunge in freezing water. It was (is) terrifying.
My guess is this has to do with how society encourages and rewards innocent romantic relationships. Growing up, I never thought about sex being a defining part of a romantic relationship, and it's not like adults were going to spell it out to kid me either.
But romantic attraction has always been the main attraction. I was 4 in kindergarten and already the idea of finding a romantic partner was ingrained in my head. I was 10 in elementary seeing others fuss over their crush and how much they wanted a significant other. I was 14 in secondary school barely able to think of myself as asexual without feeling like I'd failed the human experience. I was 19 realizing a close friend wanted more yet I couldn't imagine myself reciprocating, no matter the person on the other side.
I am 20, scared senseless of my lack of romantic attraction.
I am 20, learning to live in a world molded into a heart shape.
Still, I catch myself thinking maybe I'll meet someone who'll change my mind. It's just too early, right?
What a painful thought, when I know it won't change anything. I'd take a best friend over a lover any day. Platonic over romantic love is an evidence, yet I can't help myself feeling like an incomplete puzzle.
It will take me some time still before I will wholly feel okay in my own skin. But the warmth and acceptance found in the aroace community will never fail to remind me I'm not alone.
Happy Aro week, hope everyone gets to enjoy their favourite chocolate.