sundriedsymphonies

[sundriedsymphonies]

and i wondered and wondered and wonder

[sundriedsymphonies]

he knows i struggle with bouts of sadness. yet he called me those names. he’s the only one those words would hurt from. if i am what he called me. it’s because he made me one. the two of us together. but he’s a man. so he remains exempt. and i have to carry this label with me. try to hide it. hope no one thinks of me as such. no one finds out what we did together. or what we didn’t do together

[sundriedsymphonies]

in my pjs picking up my mother. i haven’t showered or scrubbed my white tongue. my hair is unbrushed and ass unwiped. yet she still smiles when she sees me.

i can’t love as unconditionally as she does

[sundriedsymphonies]

i like the airport. so much waiting. angst. wonder

[sundriedsymphonies]

i thought seeing Mitski would heal me

[sundriedsymphonies]

i hurt everything I touch

i leave scars

and reopen wounds

an itchy scab

constantly picking

i’m unloveable

[sundriedsymphonies]

I came to uni

a girl

a romantic

naive

girlish

pure

i’m leaving in pieces

no girlhoood left

but still not any closer to womanhood

i’m

[sundriedsymphonies]

i miss who i was

[sundriedsymphonies]

i think the worst thing a man can do to me is pretend I don’t exist. Look me in my eyes and recognize the pain you are causing me. I am real. I am here. What happened happened.

[sundriedsymphonies]

valentine’s day meant nothing until you took me out. until you loved me on that day. and now i mourn you on this day of love. adorned with flowers from men who are not you.

[sundriedsymphonies]

I am so many things

and nothing at all

[sundriedsymphonies]

a poor beggar in matters of love

[sundriedsymphonies]

i’m a beggar of love

[sundriedsymphonies]

he told me he wanted me find someone like him. who gave me flowers and kisses me all the time. love and cherished my entire being. gave me gifts and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. Someone who treats me with kindness and love. If he wishes all that for me. I messed up. It’s him. It’s always been him.

[sundriedsymphonies]

i want to be with him. I blame sally rooney. I blame normal people.

I blame marianne and connell

i blame them for making me think he is the one

that he knows some intimate part of me

that i would be foolish to let get away.

That he loves me

and i love him

and all the in between is miscommunication

that someone is reading our story and rooting for us

and I just need to be brave

i blame them for me reaching out.

I blame myself for ruining it to begin with.

ruining him.

his perception of me

his love for me

his trust for me

that’s all my fault.

no one made me a bad person.

I did that all on my own.

[sundriedsymphonies]

idk if he will ever see them

[sundriedsymphonies]

i’m sending all this to him

because what do i have to lose.

he shouldn’t be the only one who can send horrible messages to me.

i will send only my love