fleeting moments

This is to keep track of the stuff that I buy from time to time and feelings I cant seem to say

[sunken-boats]

you know how i told you, reddit has become an avenue for me to meet new people in the internet like kind of get to know them and talk to them but not personally. well, yesterday, some dude messaged me and i really thought she was a girl at first but turns out he was a dood. anyway, we’ve been kind of talking in tg and it’s something that’s really weird for me since i don’t like connecting with strangers on the internet but he seems very friendly and is actually helping me get through this tough time in my life. like he said i can tell him what i’m feeling, he can be my confidante. but sometimes i get really weirded out like he wants us to have phone conversations and idk why and awhile ago he asked if i was mad because i haven’t been replying. i mean don’t get all so clingy, we’ve only talked for like a day. 

[sunken-boats]

went to see my father today and i don't understand how after all these years, the moments before meeting him, still make me feel so nervous just like how i felt as a child. i guess the distance between us, growing up never really closed down. meetings with him would always be followed by a bit of interrogation from my mother, asking what he asked to us and if he asked about her. i've never given much thought on how we are a broken family but these are reminders how painful it is to be in one. it's a miserable thing to see when you see your parents act so indifferent towards each other and how their now extinct relationship has turned into a competition. i'm also sad that my father's been stressed out, he looked so thin and frail but it's nice to know that he takes a break every now and then. i'm excited to come to the point where i can help them out. help me, Lord.

[sunken-boats]

i haven’t written here in such a long time. i’ve been glossing over my previous posts here and i missed how nice it is to write down what i’m feeling and to have the chance to look back on it.

dear 21 y.o. self,

it’s okay that you feel confused and lost at the moment. i guess this really happens, a long span of time wherein you just can’t bring yourself to do something because of your self-doubts. the important thing is, you know you can get out from this, you know this is all just temporary, you’re gonna find your place soon in this world. you’ll start meeting and learning from new people and new environments, and it’s normal to feel slightly jealous of what others have accomplished or are beginning to pursue in their lives. it’s normal but don’t you ever compare yourself. you’ll have your own time.

don’t feel envious and feel regretful of what’s been happening and what just happened. there’s nothing you can do about it so just move forward. you can accomplish so much, you just have to start trying. you may not have been able to do it on the same time frame as them but know that, it doesn't matter as long as you keep pushing for it

your physical aspect that’s been bothering you for months now will be gone. it’s also temporary and it’s something you shouldn’t punish yourself from.

it’s also a delight that you’ve been feeling inspired of doing something creative, of trying and learning new things. take some time and do it. maximize this time of trying to learn about yourself, to do things that can grow your potential. you’ll get there.

one day, you’ll look back to this post and be proud that you made it through and that you’re on your way to accomplishing more for yourself.

“if you don’t start making sacrifices for the thing you love, a day will come when the thing you love will become the sacrifice” (it’s a quote i heard from a filipino youtuber that sticked to me)

[sunken-boats]

letters to people 

it’s almost the end of 2016, with barely 3 weeks left and not much of a change in my life since graduation, im weighed down by feelings of uncertainty. nostalgia, of unspoken thoughts and unfulfilled dreams. i’m almost 21 and somehow, this needs to be written down to put some things to an end and come out anew in the next year. you can change at whatever point in your life but somehow the mark of a new year makes it a lot easier to desist the constants.

to my college best friends,

i’m quite unsure, i am trying to be happy, trying to see what you’ve done in the past months in a positive light - i’ve disconnected from you for 5 long months, the longest since i’ve done it as a habit every summer break. the pressures of life comes in the form of group chat updates and in contrast to my seemingly non-moving life, it sinks me in a pit of sadness. i miss you a lot and there are instances when memories of college comes rushing back and i see myself in tears or in feelings of heartbreak because of how badly i miss everything about it. major happenings in your life where i’m not present leaves me confused, unable to grasp the idea of these people i’ve grown with for 4 years have met new people to grow with. maybe, because i’ve been stuck and the idea of y’all moving is such a vague concept to me. i’ll see you guys soon and know that in my heart you always have a special place no matter how much i’ve grown apart from you for the past months. by then, i hope and pray, i’ve done something in my life i can be happy about.

to relatives,

i’ve seen your criticisms, side comments and unknowing advises as heartbreaks and pain thrown at me because they don’t know what i’m going through personally. i’ve looked deeper into words uttered as a way to negate my growth- to force my growth and to shade me to how they expected i’ll become and how i turned out to be. sometimes, shared experiences don’t lead to any good, it comes off as a plain way to contrast yourselves to what i’ve been doing (wrong). despite all these, these words, these attacking thoughts gave me so much space for growth. to always strive to be the better person, to fight for what i believe in and to always come back stronger and eventually, with hard work comes the need to prove them wrong and to prove those hungry demons in your mind wrong. you’ll always be family but i hate human nature always rooted to being judgmental.

to my high school best/super/friends,

i’ve always appreciated that no matter how much i disconnect from you, you make more effort in keeping our bond alive. i’m sorry for never contacting any of you, for always ignoring your messages and calls for intentionally trying to ditch everything. i hate how the pressures of life has eaten me and as my friends i can’t say things to you freely as i want to, as my choice. i hate how competitive i am, how hungry i am for an accomplishment, how scared i am of judgments leaving me unable to face all of you in the eye. someday, i will. i miss you guys a lot, more than you think i do and i hate myself everytime i ignore every effort you guys exert to re-connect. i’m the problem and for now, i need you guys to understand. i’m sorry.

to my family,

always thankful that despite all these feelings of disappointment in my life, even with a little pressure from you guys, you remain to be my rock. i may have cried more times than i wanted, it’s a self loathing of not being able to provide for my own needs and contribute to this household which is also a failure of my dreams. thank you for always trying to see the best in me despite the past months. we’ve had fights and misunderstanding but i promise, i’ll be better soon. i’m excited to be able to travel with you, to see you in places you’ve dreamt off and to see us happy with our states of life. someday, someday, soon.

to myself, 

i’m proud that you are trying, that you’ve grown stronger but there’s so much more to see and experience, you have to get out of this comfort zone and leave the fear of the unknown in the farthest of your mind. you’ll never know until you try, you’ll get better soon, just pray and always hope. start anew next year, brave the world and see yourself slowly achieving your dreams. just be brave, just always hope. you’ll get there and never lose your sense of positivity in any way. love yourself more than ever, widen your knowledge, embrace adulthood and come out strong and dedicated as ever. you’re hardworking, if given the right opportunity so keep on trying.

[sunken-boats]

what being 20 feels like?

i’ve always been scared of getting out of the non-teen years of my life. somehow, entering it commences bigger responsibilities hence more emotional problems i have to struggle with. what’s scarier is i graduated this year, still unemployed 6 months after and trying to make it through life with a tiny hint of positivity. it’s downright scary all the way, nothing’s ever concrete or perhaps, with my state right now. you’re just trying to grasp your way through life, trying to make the best decisions and the least mistakes. add these all to the pressures of life in the form of words from family and relatives and accomplishments of your peers. you have to be brave, get through challenges headstrong and always willing.

[sunken-boats]

i dreamt of E, us going around the mall. me asking my mother i need to leave because i'm pregnant but will still try to find a job. ate y and me leaving for someplace else, entirely on our own to take care of ourselves and because life calls the need for it. my dreams lately have been about big decisions, moving away, and trying something. yesterday, i dreamt i got accepted in Nylon and will be working for them. saw a bunch of my batchmates working and sleeping in the headquarters. weird, weird.

[sunken-boats]

[sunken-boats]

you can’t help it but think-of blood lines, familial ties and connections seemingly gone yet still alive because it’s necessary. a family isn’t always what you consider them as such, but stays true to the saying-they bring the best and worst out of you. i’ll never understand how words thrown at me could put me in a wreck, in turmoil, in disdain of myself but maybe, because, words uttered from these unknowing mouths are the one with the most meaning to my character- solely, owing to the fact that they are family- regardless of up to what measure of my soul they know, of experiences i’ve grown to love by keeping it in my troubled heart, and thoughts that continue to live inside my head. it’s funny how they embody the pressures of life -but also become the motivation as i try to make a step for growth and beginnings.

[daughterofchaos]

[krissysaleh]

[sunken-boats]

today, I did one of the most horrible thing I may have done in my lifetime. i hid inside our house while someone calls me from the outside, repeatedly. every sound i heard at that moment felt 10x more emphasized than it is. i knew they were calling so I could meet my father and I intentionally turned my cellphone off because I knew they were gonna call me through it. the phone rang for a lot of times during the day and i ignored it. my lola came by trying to see if someone's home and i hid behind the cabinets. i can't explain how sad I am in my life right now. nothing's working out as I want it to and i am tired of living like this. of feeling like im being left behind by everyone, of feeling like a burden, of feeling like i am useless. i just need that 10 second of insane courage to move myself out from where i've grown a home for the past months. im decisions away from taking away this uneash feeling.

[sunken-boats]

things i’ve learned from (f)unemployment; some slight context and to slightly lift things up. i’ve not tried applying in companies yet in my 3 months and 19 days of being a bum.

1. social media can be toxic, it’s okay to disconnect and give yourself time to breathe and exhale away all the negativity in it. real life may not be better but at least you’re not deluded in all these glorious surfaces shared by your friends in social media.

2. plans don’t usually go the way you want it to but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen. what happens in our life take their own pace, we get through things in our own way.

3. i am thankful for friends who remember, who stay, who understand. there may only be a handful, but that’s all i’ll ever need in life.

4. don’t knock yourself down. i’ve learned to stop re-doing things that i know only give me anxiety and pain, free yourself.

5. you may not be in love with anyone, and nobody maybe in love with you right now. don’t sweat. focus on yourself, first, on your passions and in fulfilling your dreams.

6. people around you will always judge you, even if its a family relative, it’s human nature but don’t let yourself get attacked.

7. do not compare. like what i said earlier, people have their own timelines, their own pace in finishing and getting through life. if they’ve done it, you will too, maybe not now but you will.

8. look ahead for the future but never disregard today. your eyes might be looking straight ahead, ready for what’s in store in the next days, months, years but sometimes you might overlook what’s on your plate, live the now but also look ahead.

9. working in offices isn’t the only equivalent of being productive. exercise, plan for your future, create, design, immerse yourself in pop-culture, go out and discover new places, learn not only through school but the internet is a wonderful treasure of knowledge.

10. stop making excuses and just do it. to be honest, i maybe midway into learning this because if i did, i would’ve searched for a job already but it’s important to stop overthinking and just do things. learn from it and continue to try if it might not work out at first. important.

[sunken-boats]

scrolling down my timeline, thinking what has become of my life. i can’t help but compare myself to other people who are pursuing further studies in med/law, filled with love from their special someones or seeing the world as they travel from cities/provinces in the Philippines and countries of the world. i’m filled with envy yet i keep on reminding myself not to compare my life to others and never acknowledge social media presence as a medal of success. my acne problems have pushed me back so much that all i can do now is pray for it to heal and go away. it’s hard when what’s stopping you from participating in life is because you’re scared to be judged and because your self-esteem has reached an all-time low. so help me, God.

[sunken-boats]

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.“ Proverb 3:5-6

Everything happens for a reason, as cliche as it seems, always trust in the Lord that he knows the right path for you. Submit your dreams to him, your prayers and he will break down the walls and lay down a path. Lord, remove all uncertainties in my thoughts, feelings of anxiety and heal my heart to always fill it with Your Grace. I love you Lord with all my heart, every step that I’m about to take I know you’ll always be there to guide me and my family. Hindi po ako nagmamadali, alam ko po na di man magiging madali at mabilis maabot lahat nang pinapangarap ko. Lagi lang po kayong nandiyan para gumabay at makinig sa mga saloobin at panalangin ko at ng pamilya ko. Salamat po.

"Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you" Exodus 23:25

Heal me Lord. Put your Grace in my heart and bless me with you healing. I trust in you and your plans for me, I know that you helped me to get better, to be more appreciative, to not say unworthy things onto others, to give more help to others, to be selfless and to always think of others before myself. I am still learning but I know you’ll be there to put your healing on me. Thank you, Lord. Excited na po ako sa mga panahong makakagawa ako ng selfless acts for people I know and will know, people who needs them, tulungan niyo po akong maipanatili ang kagustuhan na to sa puso ko hanggang sa tumanda na po ako. Bless us Lord, bless all the people. Thank You po.

[sunken-boats]

what are you thinking?

a lot, to be honest. from career-life-love. tomorrow will be the 2nd month after my college graduation, it pains me to think i still haven’t tried what’s out there mostly because of my acne and how i’m afraid to get judged once i enter a working environment. if i think about it, these problems are all rooted to self esteem issues because of my acne. not being able to meet new people, not being able to attend events or go to gigs and live my life. not being able meet my friends for a really long time. i’m just sad. i pray that everything will turn out okay in the next months, God lead the way.

[sunken-boats]

it’s august 1 and i’ve been receiving big news about people for this past week. exhibit a. my little cousin “being” gay which i found a bit shocking. although i already had speculations before it was never confirmed until tuesday. i’ll always stay true to what i believe in, people are free to love whoever they want. [the only reason why i retaliate over my friend’s relationship is because i find it suffocating. exhibit b. sister passing her state boards which i’ve been praying for every night. made my faith to God stronger. exhibit c. them tying the knot? if i think about it though everything’s already legal but i can’t just imagine it? somehow it changes a lot of things? although i think there is a reason why they’re thinking about it? i’m not sure? it’s a good thing i already knew so i’d be able to process it better? or maybe the reason why i’m so bothered with it is because it’s far off from the age that i want myself to tie the knot which makes it a bit unreasonable for me. anyway, august, here i go. lead the way, Lord.

[sunken-boats]

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Lord, I entrust my dreams to you. I know you will help me become the person you created me to be. These worries will die down and will be overpowered by your love and guidance. Help me in every way possible. For the next days, I know you’ll be there to guide me and my family, to lay down a path that you believe is made for us. I know that You know our heart’s greatest desires, we will continue to serve you and put you on top of everything else every step of the way. Be my light, my savior, help me Lord God. Heal me. I believe in your plans for me, that it will answer my worries and my prayers. Thank You!

“The LORD your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

You may be unseen with my two eyes, but I believe in my heart that You are always there watching over us, your children. You’re a great father and I thank You for the gift of life, for the gift of family, wisdom, protection and continued blessings. You aim the best for us, You are good dear God. Thank You for saving us, for always being there to shield us when things get rough, You are our savior. I’ll always remember my thesis days and how you became my shoulder to lean on in times of doubt. You’ve always been there, we just need to listen. Thank You!