it’s almost the end of 2016, with barely 3 weeks left and not much of a change in my life since graduation, im weighed down by feelings of uncertainty. nostalgia, of unspoken thoughts and unfulfilled dreams. i’m almost 21 and somehow, this needs to be written down to put some things to an end and come out anew in the next year. you can change at whatever point in your life but somehow the mark of a new year makes it a lot easier to desist the constants.
to my college best friends,
i’m quite unsure, i am trying to be happy, trying to see what you’ve done in the past months in a positive light - i’ve disconnected from you for 5 long months, the longest since i’ve done it as a habit every summer break. the pressures of life comes in the form of group chat updates and in contrast to my seemingly non-moving life, it sinks me in a pit of sadness. i miss you a lot and there are instances when memories of college comes rushing back and i see myself in tears or in feelings of heartbreak because of how badly i miss everything about it. major happenings in your life where i’m not present leaves me confused, unable to grasp the idea of these people i’ve grown with for 4 years have met new people to grow with. maybe, because i’ve been stuck and the idea of y’all moving is such a vague concept to me. i’ll see you guys soon and know that in my heart you always have a special place no matter how much i’ve grown apart from you for the past months. by then, i hope and pray, i’ve done something in my life i can be happy about.
i’ve seen your criticisms, side comments and unknowing advises as heartbreaks and pain thrown at me because they don’t know what i’m going through personally. i’ve looked deeper into words uttered as a way to negate my growth- to force my growth and to shade me to how they expected i’ll become and how i turned out to be. sometimes, shared experiences don’t lead to any good, it comes off as a plain way to contrast yourselves to what i’ve been doing (wrong). despite all these, these words, these attacking thoughts gave me so much space for growth. to always strive to be the better person, to fight for what i believe in and to always come back stronger and eventually, with hard work comes the need to prove them wrong and to prove those hungry demons in your mind wrong. you’ll always be family but i hate human nature always rooted to being judgmental.
to my high school best/super/friends,
i’ve always appreciated that no matter how much i disconnect from you, you make more effort in keeping our bond alive. i’m sorry for never contacting any of you, for always ignoring your messages and calls for intentionally trying to ditch everything. i hate how the pressures of life has eaten me and as my friends i can’t say things to you freely as i want to, as my choice. i hate how competitive i am, how hungry i am for an accomplishment, how scared i am of judgments leaving me unable to face all of you in the eye. someday, i will. i miss you guys a lot, more than you think i do and i hate myself everytime i ignore every effort you guys exert to re-connect. i’m the problem and for now, i need you guys to understand. i’m sorry.
always thankful that despite all these feelings of disappointment in my life, even with a little pressure from you guys, you remain to be my rock. i may have cried more times than i wanted, it’s a self loathing of not being able to provide for my own needs and contribute to this household which is also a failure of my dreams. thank you for always trying to see the best in me despite the past months. we’ve had fights and misunderstanding but i promise, i’ll be better soon. i’m excited to be able to travel with you, to see you in places you’ve dreamt off and to see us happy with our states of life. someday, someday, soon.
i’m proud that you are trying, that you’ve grown stronger but there’s so much more to see and experience, you have to get out of this comfort zone and leave the fear of the unknown in the farthest of your mind. you’ll never know until you try, you’ll get better soon, just pray and always hope. start anew next year, brave the world and see yourself slowly achieving your dreams. just be brave, just always hope. you’ll get there and never lose your sense of positivity in any way. love yourself more than ever, widen your knowledge, embrace adulthood and come out strong and dedicated as ever. you’re hardworking, if given the right opportunity so keep on trying.