heal from the Sun::love from the Moon

Follow me on my journey. Where to? Let's find out together.

[sunmoonstarlove]

EQUALITY. (lace your boots)

Okay, so here's the thing.. I see so much controversy surrounding politics recently and I have treaded those waters very carefully because I do not want to make anyone feel like their opinion and feelings do not matter.. But on here, it's fair game.

EQUALITY. Senate voted on requiring women to register for the draft. HECK YES. As a proud female veteran, I am so happy about this. There was a women's march recently, where women exclaimed they want equality.. But yet I see that the same females who proclaim they want equality, disagreeing with the draft. Why? Don't you want the same treatment as men? Then take off your makeup and lace your boots.. It's time to put up or shut up. I feel like it's some of the same people who want free college that want this "equality" .... Guess what, you get free college when you honorably serve in the United States Military. "Free healthcare" (for birth control that you cannot afford..) you shout? JOIN THE MILITARY. I full heartedly believe in equality for men, women, the LGBT Community, and persons of all races. My issue is when it comes down to equality, how many of those who "march/protest" for it are actually ready for it, full circle. We cannot continue to be a society that wants to pick and choose what we believe equality is.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Prayers.

If there is one thing that I have learned in this life, it is to pray. I have tried handling things on my own, I have tried doing things on my own, and I have failed at everything I have tried to do on my own. Once I realized that I need to accept that I cannot do things alone, I began to pray. Prayer has opened up so many doors for me, which in turn has opened doors for others. See, I think that God puts us in situations that not only help build us but to help others too.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Reasoning.

I had so much on my mind last night and this morning that I wanted to blog about but I did not have the time or energy so I waited, and I am glad that I did. It made me realize how I was going to write with emotions and without sitting on it to make sure it's the message I really wanted to get out. However, after sitting on it and soaking it all in, I want to talk about having an open flow of love and acceptance and forgiveness. I was so upset about this situation because I tend to not open up so much to people, I don't trust most people because of how much I have been hurt, but I gave someone a second chance to come into my life. I allowed this person to come back into my life because I have always felt a special vibe, I've seen this heart of gold, and I knew some how, some way they were put back into my life for a reason. (And I have found that reason, but I'll get to that in a bit)... So here I am, I opened that door back up, opened myself back up, and the same exact thing happened as last time. Let me tell you, instantly I had more than a few choice words. My anxiety went super crazy, and I couldn't help but to think "What's wrong with me? Why is this happening again? Did I do something wrong?" I immediately put my wall up and responded with a short accepting message. I sat there in disbelief that I trusted someone who not only hurt me once, but that asked to come back into my life, apologizing for what had happened , and did it again. How foolish could I be?

I slept on it.

And this morning I woke up and remembered that I asked my wonderful God to stop what was happening if it was not sent from him. I remembered that my wonderful God would not take me through something without learning a powerful lesson and offering a memorable message.

Open flow of love: Keeping your guard up will keep you from getting super hurt, but it will also keep you from being super loved. It's an automatic response when someone does something to upset you. And it's totally understandable. But if you can't be vulnerable, you wont get to experience all of the love that the world has to share. So I am glad that I opened my flow and allowed this person to share it.

Acceptance: I am not everyone's shot of whiskey and that is ok with me. I want to be, but I know some can't handle me. I am an empathic, I am deeply intuitive, I am carefree, and I am independent. Everyone is different and has his or her own unique tastes. You have to accept that.

Forgiveness: Oh, that. That's a tough one. Because simply forgiving a person is only half of the battle. You have to forgive yourself too. Forgive the person for what they did, said, or made you feel. Remember that is something that they will have to carry on their shoulders. But I think the most important thing is to forgive yourself. We are so harsh on ourselves sometimes and it's really super sad. When I was thinking that I did something wrong, or that something was wrong with me, I was beating myself up for someone else's feelings. That's not cool. So I forgave myself for thinking these negative thoughts about myself.

And that's it. That is the reason my wonderful God allowed this person to enter back into my life; to teach me a lesson and to share it. I don't look at things as coincidences or as mistakes. I try to dive in deep to find the meaning and reasoning behind every single thing in my life. We often get so rushed and sidetracked that we forget to literally stop and smell the roses. Me? I stop and smell every flower I cross because I know it was put in my path for a reason. <3

[sunmoonstarlove]

I’m about three glasses into my bottle of red and there is a lot on my heart and mind that I decided to share. This past week I have done a bunch of self examination and thinking. What you are about to read is the cold, uncensored reality. 

I have had so many messages in my inbox on social media and people coming up to me telling me that I inspire, that I am so strong, and that I am someone to look up to. But let me tell you what is behind the smile, motivational posts, and public speakings that I do... I am broken. I am not perfect. I am hurt and healed all at the same time. There are so many ups and downs in life that I am beginning to think they are all the same. I gratefully have so many blessings in life that I cannot deny but at the end of the day, I still feel empty. So this is for you. The one who thinks I have life all figured out, the one who is struggling, just like I am. The one who hurts and prays, and begs for things to get better.

I base my life around relationships. Relationships with friends, mates, family, and God. If I don’t have one, I feel like I don’t have any. When a friend and I are at odds, I feel like I don’t have any friends. When I don’t have a relationship, I feel as if I am unworthy. When family and I are not at our best, I feel like a failure. And the biggest, when I feel like my relationship with God is at a low, I feel like I don’t deserve any of the above mentioned. But what about my relationship with myself? Did I forget that? No. I just don’t have one. I spent nearly two years after my divorce trying to find myself, love myself, and have a relationship with myself. AND I HAD IT ALL. Until I got into a relationship with someone and then I lost it all once it was over. I am now trying to rebuild that relationship with myself because I know that without loving me, I cannot love someone else. The thing is, I don’t know how to do that anymore.. I get 5 steps ahead and 10 steps behind. I do so good, then ruin it. 

I go to church every Sunday and even on Thursdays. I pray numerous times a day, and post things on social media about my relationship with God. I really do it all. I read my bible, pray for others, and praise all the blessings that I have had. But my deep, dark secret that nobody knows, is that it’s not enough for me to actually fight against my sins. I don’t feel like I am enough. I don’t feel like I am worthy. I don’t feel like I deserve good in my life because of my sins. If you are not religious, don’t worry, this still can relate to you, because we all go through a time when we feel like we are at the bottom of our barrel. I am just here to admit it. There is so much more to everyone, including myself, than meets the eye. I am lonely. I am hurting. I am heartbroken. 

But I AM strong enough to know that there is light on the other side. I know that feeling bad for myself will not get me anywhere. I have to be proactive to make a change in my life. 

[sunmoonstarlove]

Hike for Healing.

https://www.crowdrise.com/hike-for-healing-mst-military-sexual-trauma

[sunmoonstarlove]

Stuck in the middle

I’ve been single for a little over a month. We split up because we wanted different things from life, but now that we are no longer together, I am not sure what it is that I even want.. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of wanting a fulfilling connection and wanting to just do me and explore all options. And it has led me to question, where is the medium?

I am so focused on building my career and finishing school, but some lonely nights lead me to want some kind of connection with someone. How do I balance both? I have fought this question for the last month, and I still don’t know the “right” answer. 

I think when the time is right, I will find the right person to build a life with but yet focus on myself and my dreams. I feel like it is so difficult to find the medium or the balance of both. But maybe it is because I have not found it yet. I see people I went to school with settling down and having these marriages and babies and I feel like I am the last to cross the finish lines. I have half the people I encounter telling me that I am too young to be focused on that, and the other half is asking me when will I actually settle down. You know, it’s a tough pill to swallow knowing that society has a “time line” on when you are supposed to get married and have children. I am 26. 26 years of living and breathing and being focused on MY future and 26 years of thinking that I should have been settled down by now. I know what I have to offer, I know that I have a bright future, but the question haunts me, when will someone else see that...

I am stuck in the middle of wanting to settle down and have a family and then still wanting to build myself to my full capacity. However, I know that when the timing is right, when I am right with my Lord, he will place the right person in my life. But it still does not stop my heart from yearning for that never ending love.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Peace out cub scout.

This is ALWAYS a difficult time of the year for many people that I know and care about, including myself. In a span of a few days, we celebrate his life and mourn his death. Every year, I get a little more closure and a little more peace within my heart but the ache will always remain imbedded in my heart. I've learned to love again, whole heartedly. I've learned to cherish and not take people, moments, and love for granted. And I've learned how to see myself the way he always saw me. When people leave the ground and go to the sky, it becomes so easy to dwell on things, to make things about yourself. I was wrapped up in the pain of losing someone that I loved that I forgot how to live for a few long years. After a lot of self reflecting and digging deep into the pain, these next few days are not about me reliving my pain and missing the memories. Rather it is about cherishing the time I was honored to share with him, his family, and his friends.

So with that being said, Happy 28th birthday Paul Neumann. You've been gone 9 years too long. But thank  you for showing everyone that encountered you how to have a good time, how to love, and how to care. You are missed.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Hike for Healing.

https://www.crowdrise.com/hike-for-healing-mst-military-sexual-trauma

[sunmoonstarlove]

bullspit.

I went to PA this weekend to visit an old friend and on the way back I started thinking about some things and just really wanted to express the way I feel about breakups. Breakups. Look, I do not see the reason behind watching re-runs of sex and the city while eating a carton of ice cream and crying. Sure, it’s healthy to cry and mourn the loss of the relationship but not for weeks on end. I spent a week crying every day, wishing we never broke up. And then my ah ha moment happened. I realized that he was only a chapter in my book and just because that chapter is over does not mean that the book is! So I put on my big girls panties and GOT OVER IT.  That simple. That does not mean that my heart doesn’t hurt still, does not mean I never loved him. But it means that I am mature enough to know that the world doesn’t end after one relationship does not work and to know that I have to do what makes me happy. If I wanted to go on a date tomorrow, it is my right to. It doesn’t mean I’m hooking up with anyone, or maybe it does. Why is it anyone else’s business what I want to do with my time, energy, body, and heart? Why must a female cry for weeks and be depressed while the guy goes out to the bar, drinks, and finds a different girl to take home for the night? Perfect example is a song that I heard a few days ago that really GRINDED MY GEARS. While I LOVE Dierks Bentley, I HATE his song “different for girls.” To sum it up, he says that girls can’t just get over a guy like a guy gets over a girl. BULLSPIT. I can just as easily go to a bar, order a drink, put my walls up, take someone home, sleep all day, let myself go. I can act and be tough. Easy peasy. There is so much “what girls should and shouldn’t do” and how we should and shouldn’t act. Well I am here to tell you that you are your own person and there are no standards to which you must abide by. Do what your heart feels, what  your brain tells you, and what you instinct is. Nobody knows what you feel except yourself so why in the world would you do something that is “standard” to everyone else. I say to hell with societies standards and start living life for yourself. Those who truly love you will accept you and the things you do. So guess what yall, I have been single for a few weeks, and I am going to go on dates. I am going to accept compliments. I am going to dress up and feel pretty. I am not going to cry over spilled milk. I am going to take life on as I was doing before, and create the future I want, how I want it, and with who I want it.

[sunmoonstarlove]

bullspit.

I went to PA this weekend to visit an old friend and on the way back I started thinking about some things and just really wanted to express the way I feel about breakups. Breakups. Look, I do not see the reason behind watching re-runs of sex and the city while eating a carton of ice cream and crying. Sure, it's healthy to cry and mourn the loss of the relationship but not for weeks on end. I spent a week crying every day, wishing we never broke up. And then my ah ha moment happened. I realized that he was only a chapter in my book and just because that chapter is over does not mean that the book is! So I put on my big girls panties and GOT OVER IT.  That simple. That does not mean that my heart doesn't hurt still, does not mean I never loved him. But it means that I am mature enough to know that the world doesn't end after one relationship does not work and to know that I have to do what makes me happy. If I wanted to go on a date tomorrow, it is my right to. It doesn't mean I'm hooking up with anyone, or maybe it does. Why is it anyone else's business what I want to do with my time, energy, body, and heart? Why must a female cry for weeks and be depressed while the guy goes out to the bar, drinks, and finds a different girl to take home for the night? Perfect example is a song that I heard a few days ago that really GRINDED MY GEARS. While I LOVE Dierks Bentley, I HATE his song "different for girls." To sum it up, he says that girls can't just get over a guy like a guy gets over a girl. BULLSPIT. I can just as easily go to a bar, order a drink, put my walls up, take someone home, sleep all day, let myself go. I can act and be tough. Easy peasy. There is so much "what girls should and shouldn't do" and how we should and shouldn't act. Well I am here to tell you that you are your own person and there are no standards to which you must abide by. Do what your heart feels, what  your brain tells you, and what you instinct is. Nobody knows what you feel except yourself so why in the world would you do something that is "standard" to everyone else. I say to hell with societies standards and start living life for yourself. Those who truly love you will accept you and the things you do. So guess what yall, I have been single for a few weeks, and I am going to go on dates. I am going to accept compliments. I am going to dress up and feel pretty. I am not going to cry over spilled milk. I am going to take life on as I was doing before, and create the future I want, how I want it, and with who I want it.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Growth

I just want to take a moment and reflect on the past few months. I am so gleeful! As I continue to grow into this independant, radiant, and lighthearted woman, I am SO very much thankful for my past, my friends, and my family..

Every so often I like to look back on previous months, years, so on and see how much I have grown and changed. I like to look back on the things that helped mold me; relationships, friendships, work, school, family.. There isn't a thing that I would change. I think it is healthy to remember the good and the bad times, to dive deep into those memories, and to learn from them. They teach you what you want, what you definitely do not want, and what life is truly about. Who would I be if I didn't join the military, if I was not assaulted while in the military, if my heart wasn't broken a couple of times? Would I appreciate life at it's rawest form? Would I be as caring, sensible, or devoted? I can't answer these things nor do I have any interest in doing so because I LOVE who I am. I love that I take care of myself, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I love that I love who I am and that I can proudly say that. This isn't the first time that I have been able to say it and it won't be the last. BUT it is a love that continue to grows deeper and deeper. An appreciation for myself that I learn more of daily. You grow into the person you're meant to be and that growth never stops. How amazing is that? You are in charge of YOU. You get to choose to see the glass half full. You get to be in love with yourself. It's such a beautiful thing.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Recreation

What is worse than a bad breakup?.. A good one. But what's better than a good one? nothing.

Sure, a bad break up means someone did something wrong or someone wasn't in love anymore and it hurts like hell. But when everything is good, so good that you think you found "the one" and suddenly you both realize that you have different paths of life to travel, does more than hurt like hell. It's gut wrenching to watch him pack his things and drive away saying that we'll remain friends. To know that you're better off as friends than lovers. To have so many high hopes, putting all your eggs into one basket, planning your lives together and it all crumble down into ash. To know that you love each other but sometimes love really is not enough. I was so ready to move from Maryland and take life on but meeting him changed every plan I had until I realized he wasn't ready to change any of his plans.

So here I am. Over a year later, recreating myself. Finding Brandi, diving back into my passions, because I'll admit, I lost me while finding "us". I am redefining happiness for myself. There is so much that I want to experience and accomplish. And it is as scary as hell but I know that I can do anything I put my mind to. I know what I want from life, what I want from a partner, and what I want for and from myself. I know that I cannot settle, that I have a fire that I have to continue to chase, a wild that drives my curiosity, and a love that can persevere.

I have to find the good.

[sunmoonstarlove]

Feed. Sleep. Smile. Pray.

Feed yourself literally and figuratively. I read and hear about so many diets. I too have played with a few. But one thing I've learned over time, dealing with self image issues is that you need to nourish yourself. Eat what makes you feel your best. Eat healthy. Eat your comfort foods. Overindulge from time to time (especially if it's your lady time) with no regrets. You've your whole life ahead of you to work off those extra 200 calories. Don't punish yourself for a piece of chocolate. Feed your mind. Gain knowledge on something you've never heard about. Read. Feed the brain. I wasn't a huge reader until the past few years. I've learned so much about the most random things. And what a great way to spark up a conversation! Listen to people, digest others opinions. Be open minded. Feed your soul. Weather it be spiritual, religious or something that just warms you inside out, throw yourself into it. I'm very spiritual and I am religious. I love losing myself to nature and appreciating my God who created it. Feed your body, mind and soul. Sleep is defined as a condition of body and mind such as that which typically recurs for several hours every night, in which the nervous system is relatively inactive, the eyes closed, the postural muscles relaxed, and consciousness practically suspended. Sleep is good. You need sleep. Studies show that an average adult needs 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night. I'm guilty of not always reaching those 7 amazingly beautiful hours. We all know between work, school, kids, pets, family.... LIFE in general, obtaining even 7 hours of beauty sleep can be close to impossible. But let me tell you, when I get those amazing 7 to 9 hours of sleep, I feel full of life and very happy. We all need sleep, make sure you set enough time to get it. You owe it to yourself. Smiling is contagious. No doubt about it. I've never looked at someone who was genuinely smiling and not smiled back. It's a universal sign of happiness and who doesn't like to see others happy? Hopefully nobody. I've had several times where I was having a tough day and the sight of someone just smiling away instantly made my day better. Isn't it amazing that you could do that for someone! Honestly, I believe a simple friendly smile could save someone's life. Smile. Praying is easy to do when you are in the dumps but seems so difficult to do when everything is going good. And that's something I have a hard time understanding. I'm guilty of it. I cannot pretend that I'm not. But I recognize it and I'm learning to praise when things are good. Pray for others. I look at it this way, they may need it more than I do. I pray for those who have hurt me, those who are struggling, and those who I love. I pray for my battles overseas. I pray for my cat. I pray for the world. There's not a prayer that goes unheard. Sometimes, things take longer to reveal and unfold but my God is great and has a plan. Just keep praying. These 4 things are what I see that have the biggest and best impact on my happy life. I practice what I preach, though I to am learning. What do you do to keep a positive mind and heart?

[wnq-movies]

I feel like if it’s not scaring you, you’re doing it wrong.

Anna Kendrick (via wnq-movies)

[wnq-movies]

I believe people are in our lives for a reason. We’re here to learn from each other.

Gillian Anderson (via wnq-movies)

[quotemadness]

Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.

Mandy Hale (via quotemadness)

[sunmoonstarlove]

Rebirth.

I'm a quarter of a century old. Anyone who is remotely close to me knows how big of a deal this is to me but not many understand why, so let me explain... I have spent 24 years learning how to accept myself and love myself through all of my ups and downs, failures, heartbreaks, mistakes. I've been ridiculously hard on myself and eventually it took a toll. The marking of my 25th year of living is a whole new light for me. It's a time for change and a time for complete happiness. It's a brand new beginning. I have faith that these new changes to come will most definitely satisfy me in the future. I'm all about evolving and continuous change. Though it's only an age, a number, I feel as if turning 25 is a rebirth, if you will. And I can promise that I will not take this rebirth lightly.