When Dennis ran away from home he also ran away from God, he ran away from everything that his family wanted him to be. There was no salvation for a sinner like him, being a doctor was like a repentance that he chose to do. It was his selfish way of cleansing his hands from blood, if the number of lives he saves will make him less of a sinner then heāll spend his entire life healing people even if he cannot heal his own.Ā
Dennis was a devoted follower of the church heād spend most of his time reading and memorizing verses from heart, heād pray before eating, pray before going to sleep, and when heās having a rough day heād pray all of his sorrows and pain. Yet no matter how many masses he attended it couldnāt get rid of the truth that he had to learn from suffering.Ā
He wasnāt Dennis then, he had never been Dennis in his familyās eyes. He was Eden, their familyās prized little girl, the one that his own father would scream at once he started wearing his older brotherās clothes, the one his mother slapped when he cut his hair in high school so he would hate himself a little less. The girl who had to die so he could be Dennis.
Dennis hated himself for being different, he denied himself the joy of growing up in a body that he wanted for the church would label him as a sinner. Yet every time heād look at himself in the mirror his fist itched to break the glass. He knows the church wouldn't accept him, and he lost faith in a God that would damn his existence, just like his father had told him Dennis was an abhorrent creation, a sinner.
Leaving home is a first step but living on his own was difficult, Dennis had his share of struggles. Freedom was his now yet the outside world wasnāt so accepting of him after all, there were many times that he was so close to the edge. Struggling to feed himself everyday and balancing medical school, most of the time he didnāt have a roof over his head and he had to be at the mercy of his friends so he could crash on their couch for a day or two.
It was a miracle that he got accepted into PTMC, to be a part of a supportive family that he never got to have although the only person who knew that he was trans was Trinity and she has been nothing but accepting of him. For the first time in his life working didnāt feel like a repentance, it didnāt feel like a struggle within himself to be able to be forgiven for living a path thatās astray.
Until the past haunts him back, the face of his older brother feels like an apparition sitting amongst the sea of people in triage. Memories came crashing down on him for a second that theyāve locked eyes, the lips of his brother uttering a name he already buried deep, calling out to him like the years didnāt completely change him, that heās still the same little girl who would cry in her room after being berated for acting like a boy. His brother is seeing a memory, a ghost of the past, Eden and not Dennis, a paradise and not sinned.Ā
His legs moved before he could think, running away just like before. Dennis felt sick to his stomach as he went inside the break room, his senses were all flared up, everything was too bright and noisy. It was an overwhelming feeling, he wanted to just disappear completely or be small enough that no one could find him. Suddenly he found it very difficult to breathe, he was already curled up in the corner of the break room making himself smaller than he needs to be, reciting a bible verse that he had memorized by heart.
None of it was working, there was no salvation for him he thought that Godās damnation would be a stranger instead it came to him in familiarity, one that had the same eyes as him, one that called Dennis a freak of nature when he caught him wearing his old clothes. Those moments came back full force it paralyzed him, tears running down his eyes a sob broke out of him as he continued his prayers, maybe if he prayed harder he would be absolved of his sins.
āDoctor Whitaker?ā A voice from afar called out, footsteps came closer and Dennis flinched.Ā
āIām sorry pa, I wonāt do it again.ā Itās almost a whisper, a broken voice that continues to utter his prayers. "Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen."
āDennis.ā Robbyās voice finally got through him, Dennis lifted his head to see that Dr. Robby was now sitting beside him, eyes full of worry that it caused another sob to come out of him, his hands gripping Robbyās scrubs like a lifeline. It was a miracle for him to be here when Dennis needed someone the most, like his prayers had been answered.
āPlease forgive me, I have sinned for far too long. I don't know if I can still be absolved.ā
āThere is absolution in everything Dennis, itās not your fault, forgive yourself.ā Robby was like talking to a mirror, a reflection of his own downfall and Dennis was there to pull him back up now he was here to do the same.Ā
āNo you donāt understand, Michael. It is my fault, everything is and now it came to haunt me back, to damn me to a hell where I belong.ā Dennis was trembling badly and all Robby could do was to let the man lean on him, to support his body from crumbling completely. āMy brother is here, I donāt know how he found me but heās here. Heās going to take me back, I donāt want to go back. I ran from everything that made me want to end my life but now it chased me here. I canāt go back to Broken Bow. They wonāt accept me, they'll turn me back into this little girl they need me to be, my family would destroy all Iāve been working on so they can cleanse me, like Iām some filthy thing that they regret to raise.ā
It was all too much, to carry the weight of grief and hate all these years Dennis was tired, he wasnāt a soldier he was just a kid back then and it killed him to realize that the people who was supposed to protect him are the ones who left a gaping wound on his chest that never healed. Robbyās arms wrapped around him a warmth of support, he didnāt say anything he just let Dennis cry on his arms, Robby listened to him talk and didnāt judge him for his choices in the past.Ā
When Dennis regained himself he slowly pulled away from Robby trying to get rid of the tears from his eyes wiping them off with his hand. Robby stood up and offered his hand out to Dennis just like he did for him last time. And Dennis took a moment to wonder that maybe God heard his prayers and sent him the savior that he needed. Dennis took his hand and held it tightly hoping that Robby wouldn't ever let go.
Prompt from @sunriseblvdd
