This is where tomorrow ends

[sunshynemonster]

The days run one by one together, never ceasing, never amazing, they just run. Run in an endless cycle of monotony. Ebs and flows through the rollercoaster of the never ending wave. The wave that never crashes and just flows, flows around the work grabbing the emotions of this never ending life. Then it grabs the right emotion from the right person and pow!!! There it goes it crashes and crashes hard. It awakens the inner soul and reminds that special person that they are lucky, they are amazing, they are one of a kind. The wave reminds the person that the monotony of life doesn’t need to be monotonous it can be joy, love, and hope. Hope is what will always be what brings you back into the life.

[sunshynemonster]

Toxic? You/Me=Us

You say hey you are toxic, I say you are toxic.  You know what IS toxic is US! You are tired, tired of the fighting, tired of the accusations, tired.  So am I.  You are “quiet” for a couple of days and say that’s healing.  I’ve been quiet since Oct. 28th and it’s finally proving a point.  i want counseling.  You don’t.  I want to figure out how to better our relationship and you sit there and share publicly for your friends and family to hurt me.  You want people in your corner, fine.  They are yours.  I am tired. I am tired of being shamed publicly.  I am tired of being the bad guy.  My whole existence I have been the bad guy.  It has always been my fault.  Well that is done.  I am a parent.  I am not wrong for wanting respect from my own parent.  This isn’t parent/child anymore this is parent/adult:Adult parent/parent... This word child/ teen/ adolescent are not my titles any longer.  I am a parent.  That is my existence.  You do not get to control my emotions any more.  You may not want to talk about you pinning me by my throat when I was 17, but I do.  You may not want to talk about trying to ruin my wedding, but I do.  You may not want to talk about being the hurricane in my life, but I do.  It’s not fair to me and my family that you treat me this way.  I am no longer tied monetarily to you so you try to emotionally tie me.  When that does not work you need to publicly call me out.  I am tired. I AM QUIET.  And there’s not much you can do about it.  I love you though I am allowed to tell someone I love that they are not treating me correct.  The ones I love listen and hear when I say that they are hurting me.  Because the ones I love do not want to hurt me. 

[sunshynemonster]

Soul

Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Are you here? You must be in hiding it was a rough one today.  I don’t blame you.  It’s time to rest, recharge, ground.  It’s time to remember who you are.  You my love are a child of God, you are a radiant beam of light that has been deposited onto this Earth to drive drive down deep into the pits of hell.  To drive the demons away.  To shine your amazing light that has been given to you by the grace of God to His people.  You little soul are a child of God.  You are the one that longs to be held in His grace.  Hold on little soul you still have work to be done here on His Earth.  You have mountains to climb, oceans to swim, people to love on.  His people seem to forget what matters in this world is Him.  Is His love.  Not the love of the people.  It is His love.  It seems that people are getting stuck in the ego and not being grounded to His word.  Remember... Remember it is His words that matter, not of this superficial realm. <3

[sunshynemonster]

What a shame or is it sham?

YOU...U....you....u..... sit there on your platform, that toadstool or is it pedestal of sheer disgust oh wait you call that love.  It needs no description but here let me try.  You say love, I see hate.  You say hypocrite, I see protector.  You say Bitch, I say and?  I say counseling you say no.  I say excuse you say nothing. The silence from you speaks volumes.  You then spew your hateful lies everywhere for the world to see. You sit there on your toadstool washing you warts over and over to hopefully turn them into flat skin, but they will always be warts because you still sit on that toadstool.  It’s a toadstool of hate, addiction, lies, violence, toxicity.  You say love but all I see is hate.  Karma will bite you in the ass little girl, oh wait maybe it has because you’re my karma.  Maybe I was a bad person in my past life who knows, but this life I do not deserve this.  This sham of a person pretending to love me.  For what is love?  You wouldn’t know if it bit you like a donkey running away from the hate.  It is late the snow is covering the ground at last, maybe this is where I rest, or maybe this is where I try to rest and melt all the snow away for a beautiful spring day to emerge.  This is my story.  My story that I write...I write...i...w.r.i.t.e.

[sunshynemonster]

Rainbow colored glasses

You sit on your mountain top with your rainbow colored glasses.  You move from one color to the next faster then anyone knows.  You pray and ask God to fix you, help you, when in fact all you need to do is take off those rainbow colored glasses. You sit in the 60′s pretending it’s still that time.  You wonder why rainbow colored glasses aren’t a new fad.  Those glasses are getting old and weary, but yet you still sit in the 60′s.  The world of rainbows, war, love, drugs, and sex.  What you don’t know is the world is watching.  The world is watching and waiting for a time that it is safe to walk away from those glasses.  See those glasses do not serve a purpose anymore.  Those glasses are a thing of the past.  You though think it’s now and always.  So, the world your world gets up and walks out.  You won’t take the glasses off you won’t work on mending those glasses to regular glasses.  So, your world is tired and beaten and finally has said enough is enough.  It is no longer time for rainbow glasses it is time to see clearly and love the ones around you.  Though you have been lost in those rainbows that you don’t even remember what life is past them.  You cant listen because all you smell is a plant, all you hear is the hate, all you feel is the dark, and all you see is the rainbows.  God said the rainbow was to remind us that He will never flood our world again, I think you must have forgotten somewhere that it is no longer raining and it is okay to step out and be free. Until then your world will be in hiding away from those rainbow colored glasses.

[sunshynemonster]

Hurricane

The dark it comes like a hurricane.  It comes as fast as it goes.  It breaks down walls. It tears glue apart.  It shatters glass from all corners.  It comes faster then you thought or even knew it could be.  You drink down the hurricane so you cant feel, so you go numb.  You feel the brush of the hateful wind rubbing up against you.  You drink more to hide from the wind.  You throw your drink at the wind in hopes that it calms down when in fact it just gets thrown back into your face.  Little girl you must know better, little girl you keep getting beaten down, little girl oh wait you’re not a little girl... You’re a grown adult with a family and a child to raise.  You take care of your own.  Build that gust of wind and whip it right back at that hurricane... But now the hurricane has turned into a tornado and is now tearing apart homes.  Calm down tornado it’s okay i’ll back off.  I’ll back off so much you won’t know what hit you.  Now you just turn into rain.  It rains and rains until the world pity’s the sky and the little hurricane is now hanging out in it’s own little world away from all that rain. Away from everything that wants to hurt it and beat it down.  She is a category 1 building up to take on the world.  One day... today is not the day though.  Today little hurricane you must breathe. You must take some breaths and remember that all of this is not new information and one day maybe.. just maybe there might be new information, but alas that too is not the day.  Sit back and watch the rain pour from your secret hide out little one.  Until the day comes you don’t need to hide anymore. Chin up. You can do this.

[sunshynemonster]

Bioluminescence

As I am watching the Will Smith documentary about him adventuring through the deep depths of the world, it makes me think about this adventure I am undertaking.  He had something inside of him that told him that this is something that he needs to do.  When I first had this inkling to even start a blog was when I had my child in the beginning of the pandemic.  I mean beginning.  Where fear, heartache, wonder, hurt, and so forth were all present.  The only joy was having my baby.  Now, how do bioluminescene and my baby go hand in hand? They are both joy.  This roller coaster of being a new parent in the midst of a pandemic is hard, but when we get right down to it they are indeed beautiful.  Me and so many parents are navigating a new way through life.  One that many people have never experienced.  Only certain amounts of people have seen the glowing water that glows through fear.  Only certain amounts of people can see a parent glow through fear.  Brand new parents with unvaccinated babies just trying to survive in this thing we call Earth.  Trying to shine through the fear.  We are Bioluminescent parents!

[sunshynemonster]

Who, Me?

Apparently there’s something about me that people need to know about... or so I am told.  Therapists ya know, doing things like know you.  Gosh, get out of my head.  Oh, wait that’s what I pay you for.  I guess you can stay there.  Anyways, why did I make this tumblr or is this just tumble dry on low? I said earlier that there is something that people need to know, something that I have learned and apparently I am sufficient at it.  The first thing that comes to my mind is survival, though I bet if you asked my therapist it would be something like resources. See I grew up and I had the stuff, you know the toys, marching band, the instrument, everything was paid for we were fed, but it was the behind closed doors is where the trouble laid.  The house.... The house was filthy.  I mean filthy.  I had friends who came over and would not come back.  I essentially had to beg people sometimes to sleep over because well who would want to?  So, filthy house grows up to an adult who now has a family and does not know how to clean.  I tried hard for years.  Then I realized there was something that I was not using to my advantage... Youtube.  I follow Moms, other Moms that know how to clean to teach me what I was never taught.  To teach me to clean naturally instead of bleach everywhere throwing my asthma into a loop.  It’s amazing that house are actually kept tidy and not hoarded and covered in a crusty layer of dust.  I have a home... a home that sure is lived in sometimes but is not filthy, it’s not some place where people would not want to walk into.  It’s pretty remarkable.. and it’s remarkable that I am giving myself credit.. finally.

This that you have stumbled across may not go anywhere or it might be something I end up investing a lot of time and love into.  Regardless thanks for coming here to read whatever this babble was about and if you come back for more thanks for that too. 

Here lies your new monster..... Sun